Is the "silent treatment" a sin?

[KEP1983]

I was wondering if using the “silent treatment” or just completely estranging myself from a family member is necessarily sinful?

My brother and I have never gotten along. My parents never disciplined us. Him, being the older brother, took full advantage of the laissez-faire parenting and was, quite frankly, a monster. My parents thought we’d just get along as we got older. That didn’t happen.

He’s always been controlling, I think he was trying to play the role of the father. He’s always been very disrespectful, and that’s one of the large themes of our problems.

We became practicing Protestants in our late teens or early 20’s. He’s a devout Calvinistic Protestant now. I was also, until I converted to the Catholic Church a few years ago.

We would talk every couple of weeks for a little bit. Then after a month or two he would randomly message me and berate me with accusations about how horrible the Catholic Church is, how I’ve sinned by becoming Catholic, we worship Mary, have works-righteousness salvation, etc. I know my Catholic faith pretty well-- and know Protestantism quite well too-- so I always shot down everything he’d say.

Afterwards we would agree not to talk about theological issues anymore. That is, until another month or two would pass by, when he’d do the same thing again. Then we’d agree not to talk about this again. And then it’d happen again and again and again.

Eventually he got to a point where he’d just berate me with these comments/accusations/etc, and he would be very disrespectful. In our last “argument”" when I would respond to him he just ignored what I said, and just kept going on and on.

I told him that apparently we can’t stop talking about this, and if we’re going to talk about these issues it has to be a dialogue, not a monologue. I’m not going to sit around taking his berating and tirades every few months and have him try to just dominate the conversation and ignore everything I say.

So I told him we can either stop talking or he can learn to be respectful, but I won’t just accept the tirades and monologues. He didn’t want that-- he wanted to have his cake and eat it too; so, I cut him off.

We haven’t talked for about 4 or 5 months.

This fight itself wasn’t the only reason that caused this, perhaps it was just the last straw. We’ve always had a very negative relationship.

So I’m wondering if this is a sin to purposely give my brother the silent treatment or estrange myself from him? He’s called me a few times but I’ve ignored him. I honestly don’t care very much if I never talk to him again. But my wife thinks I should respond to him, especially since our soon-to-be-first-child should know her cousins.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I think you should listen to your wife. Cutting your family off should never be done except for very grave reasons, it seems to me, but perhaps this is something you should discuss with a trusted priest / confessor / spiritual director.

Charity is the eleventh commandment of followers of Christ.

 

[oneofmany]

Buy a good book on assertive training. You might even go to classes on how to do it.

It teaches you how to respond to people like your brother. It’s plain you can never change his mind on what he thinks but you can change how you react to it.

I found repeating the same thing is helpful and they run out of steam. Like he says something about the faith and you say, “but I love my faith and find it fulfills my life” or whatever you want to say, than let him go on and on than repeat, but you love your faith and it fulfills your life. Just keep repeating, eventually the person runs down, especially if you don’t get angry yourself.

Another thing to do is say, “I am sorry you are upset over this.” See how that puts the onise on the other person to own the problem and it’s not your problem? Of course, he will blame you or come back with a lot of slams against the faith but then you go into your repeating again about loving your faith. He can’t argue much with himself and it will tire him out.

After you get of the phone you can have a laugh with your wife. That will keep you sane about his problem. Look in the book store, there are some really good books out there to handle overbearing people.

You have tried to explain the faith to him with no change on his part since he isn’t listening anyway. Don’t even try. Sometimes it takes someone outside of our family to explain things to our siblings because the dynamics are different. Look at Jesus, his kinsmen didn’t listen to him as much as foreigners did.

 

[esieffe]

Given your patience and explanations, I doubt this is about your being Catholic. This is just business as usual. He was this way about other things when you were growing up correct? There is no reason in the world that you have to live with a toxic relationship.

If he is making you miserable, maybe not talking to him long enough to take your request not to have your faith bashed during every conversation seriously is in order. Meanwhile pray for him and ask God to help with the situation. Detach with love.

 

[oneofmany]

Sometimes when we detach we never re-attach again, I have seen that happen but it’s up to you how much you and your family can stand. With a baby coming you should have other things to talk about anyway. Become an expert on changing the subject.

 

[MaryT777]

Perhaps you can tell him that religion is simply off limits as a topic. It seems as though you have tried to do that. If he can’t follow that simple request then any relationship failure is in his court until he can engage in a relationship without all of the religious nonsense he is spewing.

I might hope that he has other things to talk about such as the birth of a new baby soon.

Mary

 

[agnes_therese]

So I told him we can either stop talking or he can learn to be respectful, but I won’t just accept the tirades and monologues. He didn’t want that-- he wanted to have his cake and eat it too; so, I cut him off.

We haven’t talked for about 4 or 5 months.

This fight itself wasn’t the only reason that caused this, perhaps it was just the last straw. We’ve always had a very negative relationship.

So I’m wondering if this is a sin to purposely give my brother the silent treatment or estrange myself from him? He’s called me a few times but I’ve ignored him. I honestly don’t care very much if I never talk to him again. But my wife thinks I should respond to him, especially since our soon-to-be-first-child should know her cousins.

Just because he’s family, doesn’t mean you have to put up with that sort of treatment. In addition to speaking to your priest, you should get the book “Boundaries.”

And no, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You gave him the option to treat you with respect, and he refused. That’s on him.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Just because he’s family, doesn’t mean you have to put up with that sort of treatment. In addition to speaking to your priest, you should get the book “Boundaries.”

And no, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You gave him the option to treat you with respect, and he refused. That’s on him.

Exactly. Nothing productive was coming out of the endless back-and-forth, was it? So it would be pointless to continue it. You may be confusing “the silent treatment” as some people practice it to be spiteful and vindictive and punish others, with what you have done which is to set boundaries. I think you did a lot more right than you may realize:

• You were patient and gave your brother several chances to switch from attacking to honest dialogue;
• When that didn’t work, you laid the cards out on the table and approached the heart of the matter honestly;
• You gave him plenty of warning; and
• It sounds as if you aren’t wanting to just throw the relationship away; rather, you are open to resuming it if he can learn to be civil.

Sometimes there are these kinds of situations that are unfortunate but again, taking a “time out” is healthier than just being in conflict all the time. Take it one day at a time and pray for your brother and don’t worry about the future; God will take care of that. Wishing you all the best.