Is there a compromise?

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Mamebl

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My DH of 4 years is going through a very, very hard time. His father, best friend, the single parent that raised him is dying. He has stage 4 lung cancer that was diagnosed just 2 months ago and is now in hospice care. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago so I can kind of relate to what he is going through but admit that I did not have the unusually close bond with her that he has with his dad.

I mention that he has an unusually close relationship with his dad because in his eyes he dad has never done wrong. He has put him very high on a pedestal and I understood that when I met him. I knew that I would be basically marrying both him and his dad. They are very close, best friends. He even lives 5 houses down from us.

The dilemma is that he is inheriting his house down the street. The house is completely paid for. My DH wants us to sell our house (it was mine before we were married) and move into his dads. His plan is for us to sell our house, use the money to pay off my student loans, then move into his dads house and save some money and buy a house and land outright in a couple of years. We have no other debt.

That sounds like a great plan BUT…his dad made him promise him that he would not move my 2 cats into HIS house. I have had my cats for over 15 years. They are my babies and he has always known this. His dad doesn’t want the cats ruining his carpet…but it will be ok for my DH’s dog, whom his dad LOVED, to freely come in the house.

Does this sound reasonable??? My DH wants to come up with a compromise. I have no idea if there even is a real compromise. His ideas so far are for us to keep the cats but put them outside. They are INDOOR cats. His other idea is for the cats to stay in the garage and only come in a little while during the day while we are home. He thinks there is some kind of compromise that we just have to come up with. My idea is to just sell both houses and move into a new OUR house but he wants us to save money and not have a mortgage.

I am heartbroken. I love my cats but am more upset that he would even ask me to do anything with them. He has never had a huge issue with the cats before. All of the sudden he thinks the cats are a financial burden because they ruin carpet and furniture, exactly what his dad has always believed. My oldest cat is 17yrs old and has pancreatitis. He does throw up sometimes but it is very easy to clean. My other cat is 12yrs old and basically is always hidden away unless its quite in the house.

I won’t even go into the fact that I would be moving into his DAD’s house and not OUR house. I know that he won’t want to change anything. Basically in his eyes, his dad has everything in his house that we will need and because his stuff is soooo much better than our stuff (in his eyes), we can just put our stuff in storage or sell it. I just don’t think I can agree to that.

Am I being unreasonable? Is there a compromise? I have told him that I don’t even want to talk about it right now. His dad hasn’t even passed yet and I’ve always heard you aren’t supposed to make any major decisions “during emotional times”. But…he is a planner, as am I, and he keeps wanting to talk about it.

I love him with all my heart but have no idea how to solve this problem. Any ideas???

Thank you!!

Mame
 
Your husband needs some therapy. This may all be bound up in the grieving process, so try not to be too hard on his craziness.

Yes, his plan is a good one as far as the money aspects go. Selling your house and moving into a paid-for house to save money sounds very reasonable.

HOWEVER, that is where the reasonableness ends. Getting rid of your things and living in a shrine to his father is not reasonable and NOT healthy. Demanding your elderly cats move outside is also not reasonable, and is frankly quite cruel.

I don’t think there is anything you can say to him that will be an acceptable compromise. Again, I think he’s out of his head entirely.

Encourage him to get some grief counseling and some perspective on this. I would not move into his dad’s house at all until your husband is able to see more clearly that he must let go of his dad’s belongings, this ‘promise’ about the cats, and his dad’s way of doing things.
 
1ke said:
Your husband needs some therapy. This may all be bound up in the grieving process, so try not to be too hard on his craziness.

Yes, his plan is a good one as far as the money aspects go. Selling your house and moving into a paid-for house to save money sounds very reasonable.

HOWEVER, that is where the reasonableness ends. Getting rid of your things and living in a shrine to his father is not reasonable and NOT healthy. Demanding your elderly cats move outside is also not reasonable, and is frankly quite cruel.

I don’t think there is anything you can say to him that will be an acceptable compromise. Again, I think he’s out of his head entirely.

Encourage him to get some grief counseling and some perspective on this. I would not move into his dad’s house at all until your husband is able to see more clearly that he must let go of his dad’s belongings, this ‘promise’ about the cats, and his dad’s way of doing things.
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This. I would just suggest that you do not agree to anything or make any concrete plans until your husband goes to counseling or gets some similar help to process his grief.

It is likely that he is not himself right now, and that is not his fault. But what he is asking of you is not reasonable, IMHO. God bless your father in law during this time, but he does not get to decide, through his son, the course of your lives.
 
Perhaps your husband can speak to his father and obtain a compromise for you if you can assure him that your aged cat and the cat that is quite mature, do not scratch carpets or furniture.

Even so it shouldn’t be one spouse has to make all the sacrifices.
What would be most fair would be the sale of both houses, but part of your husband’s grieving may mean he want the consolation of his father’s home, however, it is possible he might never find it easy to relinquish his father’s house. Unfortunately it’s not a period in your husband’s life where reason is likely to be held above emotion, but I can imagine it is hurtful for you to have your husband so eager to sell the house you chose and put your dreams into, but is unwilling to take that into equal consideration.

It’s a curious situation. Your husband accepted your home as also his own, something which can be difficult, and now, he expects you to accept his home as your own. While you may understand, do you feel it is entering a world where you are still sharing your husband with his father’s memories and their life before your entered into it, and possibly that may trouble your mind?

Who know whether your house will take a long while to sell, or if your father-in-law’s house could sell more quickly if on the market, so any plans are premature at this stage.
With your father-in-law terminally ill and your husband watching him sinking, it may not be a good time for plans, even if they work out as discussed.

In the end I don’t have any answers, because this is between your husband and you and no one else can pre-empt your decisions. I pray all will work out for the best for you both, and for your pets.
And may God flood your father-in-law with blessings and peace in this last difficult period of his life.
May God support and console your husband. May God give you both wise guidance and a wise negotiator in a friend, family member, or professional, if to do so is beneficial and kind.
Condolences for your own loss of your mother.

.
 
Thank you for your replies. I do agree that he will need counseling. I would have definitly benefited from it when my own mother passed. However, I don’t think he will ever agree to it.

I just don’t have a good feeling about this any way I look at it. Even if the cats weren’t an issue, I still would feel like I was living in his father’s shrine. I know my DH probably felt that way when he first moved into my house but in the last 4 years we have made it OUR house and it looks and feels nothing like it did before US, at least to me.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him that we shouldn’t make any decisions about the houses for at least a year. Our house payment is only $400 a month. He said he could never rent out his dad’s house or even sell it while we are still living down the street. He couldn’t WATCH someone else living there…

Mame
 
Can you sell the dads house and use the money to pay off your house?
 
Mamebl said:
Thank you for your replies. I do agree that he will need counseling. I would have definitly benefited from it when my own mother passed. However, I don’t think he will ever agree to it.

I just don’t have a good feeling about this any way I look at it. Even if the cats weren’t an issue, I still would feel like I was living in his father’s shrine. I know my DH probably felt that way when he first moved into my house but in the last 4 years we have made it OUR house and it looks and feels nothing like it did before US, at least to me.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him that we shouldn’t make any decisions about the houses for at least a year. Our house payment is only $400 a month. He said he could never rent out his dad’s house or even sell it while we are still living down the street. He couldn’t WATCH someone else living there…

Mame
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You’re absolutely right that you need to wait at least a year before making any major decisions on this. You two shouldn’t be making any major life changes before he’s had time to process some of the grief and come back to more “normal” state of mind.

If I were you I’d table the discussion for a little while
 
Schieffelin said:
You’re absolutely right that you need to wait at least a year before making any major decisions on this. You two shouldn’t be making any major life changes before he’s had time to process some of the grief and come back to more “normal” state of mind.

If I were you I’d table the discussion for a little while
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Absolutely…he isn’t acting rationally and who can blame him?
He’s losing his father.

If the house is paid for and so close by…it wouldn’t be too much to just let it sit and no one occupy it for a year. No reason why one of you can’t mow the lawn once a week or so to keep the appearances up.

Your husband needs to grieve his lose and not make any huge life changing decisions that can be seriously effected by his grieving process.

The last thing you need is a huge move into a house that is basically…a shrine…and your poor cats to suffer because of your husband’s new rules.
Even if he got his way with the cats…something else might pop up and he’ll be equally unreasonable.
 
I have no suggestions on how to handle this situation. But I do want to say my heart goes out to you. I know how som men can get when they loose a loved one. I will not go into detail (too embarrassed) but my life was made RIDICULOUSLY complicated by a family member who could not properly grieve the loss of a loved one.

I would pray earnestly that your husband learns to appropriately deal with his grief. And trust in God. I lost my dad 1.5 years ago. Something I feared would not be easy. Never in my wildest dreams would I have though God would use my dad’s passing to show me the beauty in death and how God came in at the last minute and made everything wonderful. God can work miracles in your husbands heart

CM
 
I sure hope that God works a miracle with DH’s heart.

Right now he’s pretty mad a God… I’m afraid things are going to get a lot worse before they start to get better.

Mame
 
Mamebl said:
I sure hope that God works a miracle with DH’s heart.

Right now he’s pretty mad a God… I’m afraid things are going to get a lot worse before they start to get better.

Mame
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Yes, things are going to get worse before they get better. That’s how grief works. Please be patient and kind with him. And make sure he gets into grief counseling. Your local hospice group more than likely will offer grief counseling for free. Praying for you!
 
Just so I understand… your father-in-law’s dying request is that cats don’t move into his current house after his death because they might ruin the carpet? Why would he care? That’s kind of absurd. Would DH agree to have the cats there if you agreed to buy new carpet once you were ready to sell? How’s that for a compromise?

In any event, I don’t think you should make any decisons about this now. Not while his father is dying and not after while you’re both grieving. This too shall pass, and distance from sad events can bring clarity and perspective.
 
nodito said:
Just so I understand… your father-in-law’s dying request is that cats don’t move into his current house after his death because they might ruin the carpet? Why would he care? That’s kind of absurd. Would DH agree to have the cats there if you agreed to buy new carpet once you were ready to sell? How’s that for a compromise?

In any event, I don’t think you should make any decisons about this now. Not while his father is dying and not after while you’re both grieving. This too shall pass, and distance from sad events can bring clarity and perspective.
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Promise the father whatever he wants so he can die in peace with the understanding between you and your husband that someone who makes such a request is not in their right mind and can’t expect people to abide by such a promise one he is gone. It would be a mistake to rush into any decision with the house when the family is going through a morning period anyway. I went through this when my mom had cancer. We were trying to get her into a more disabled friendly house where it was easier to care for her unfortunately she died 2 days before we were scheduled to move. Frankly it was the best thing because I couldn’t envision staying in that house with all the memories there and the move kind of helped helped the family recover. No I wouldn’t move into the fathers house I’d sell it and payoff the house you have. If you need more space use the money to buy a bigger house in another part of town.
 
I think you are very wise to put off a decision on what to do with your FIL’s house until he has actually died. After all, he could out-live both of the cats. Stranger things have happened. As for your FIL’s edicts, this is all about your DH, not your FIL. It is your husband that is making the house issue into an issue, not your FIL, and that would be true even if your FIL were making residence in the house a legal condition of inheriting anything. Do not confuse yourself about that, and do not let the discussion continue as if your DH were your FIL’s puppet. No, the decision-makers are you and your DH, so keep it on that ground.

BTW: you married your DH’s family, especially his dad, but your DH married your love for cats, too. Anybody who marries a cat person and thinks he is going to get a cat-free home by outliving the cats is* seriously* unrealistic. If your husband wants to think about something, he can think about how to cope with that. Nice try on the garage, but no, nobody confines cats to a garage all of the time. They either live outside or else they live inside with the people.

I do know people, however, who have a part of their house that is allowed to the cats. This is not a garage. It is part of the owner’s living space, but might perhaps exclude the kitchen or the bedrooms or some such places. Since your current cats are somewhat elderly, that might work. Your cats have too many health issues to find them another home, though.

I suspect that you will either need to stay in your current house until your cats die or else sell both homes and buy a third home that is amenable to the sorts of pets you see yourselves owning. Again: if your husband had a dream that he would never let anyone else own his dad’s house, it would have been wise to get your consent on that before he married you. That is the time to spring non-negotiables on a would-be spouse, not four years after the vows.

BTW, point out to your husband that he should take some comfort in knowing that you will not kick him out if he starts becoming difficult to care for, either. You are someone who sticks with those you love even when they cause you some grief. He ought not try to change that about you.
 
Luvz2travel said:
Promise the father whatever he wants so he can die in peace with the understanding between you and your husband that someone who makes such a request is not in their right mind and can’t expect people to abide by such a promise one he is gone…
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OP, I would not suggest this to your husband. Your husband would not lie to his father, and he would be appalled if you asked him to. You two can refuse unreasonable requests, even from a dying man, you can refrain from making any promises in spite of your father’s “edicts” that you not do such and so or such and so, but you need to stick to the truth. Don’t make a promise you have no intention of keeping, however. That’s just wrong.

In other words, you can say, “Hey, you can promise your dad we’ll never let a cat live in his house, but just be aware that you may be promising that we’ll never live in his house at all. I’m not promising that, and I’m not going to betray my responsibility to my pets because you made a promise like that without consulting me first. It is not my concern to keep promises that you made without my consent.”

If your FIL says he forbids you to ever let a cat live in his house, well, that is like any other “rule” he makes for you, either as a DIL or as a couple. He has no authority to do it. Once you inherit the house, it isn’t his any more. He can ask for such a thing and hope to get your free consent, but you are not bound by a promise you never made.

As for “dying in peace”, if he can’t accept that he ought not try to control his grown son, let alone try to control the living while he himself is in the grave, I don’t think there is much chance of that. If you can’t give up control and serenely accept that you don’t have control and never had as much control as you thought you had in the first place, “dying in peace” is very unlikely.
 
Unfortunately, my FIL has not been conscious since last Thursday. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my husband about it right now and would never bring it up to FIL even if I could at this point.

This is something my husband promised his dad all the while knowing what the cats meant to me. I feel betrayed by my husband for not only promising him this but for asking me to follow through on a promise HE made without discussing it with me first.

I honestly don’t know how we can solve this if he remains adamant that we move there. I know he isn’t thinking clearly right now but I know my husband pretty well and have a gut feeling that his opinion of this is not going to change even in a year. I feel I will have to make a choice and right now I can’t really say that I would choose him…
 
Mamebl said:
Unfortunately, my FIL has not been conscious since last Thursday. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my husband about it right now and would never bring it up to FIL even if I could at this point.

This is something my husband promised his dad all the while knowing what the cats meant to me. I feel betrayed by my husband for not only promising him this but for asking me to follow through on a promise HE made without discussing it with me first.

I honestly don’t know how we can solve this if he remains adamant that we move there. I know he isn’t thinking clearly right now but I know my husband pretty well and have a gut feeling that his opinion of this is not going to change even in a year. I feel I will have to make a choice and right now I can’t really say that I would choose him…
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You are very wise to stay mum when there is nothing but trouble and pain to be stirred up by addressing the question. Stick with that…“Let’s get through this, then we’ll talk houses and cats. Now is not the time.” Repeat, repeat, repeat, and you’ll thank yourself.

As for what happens after his father dies, if you didn’t make any promises and you ought not let him pretend that forcing you to do what you don’t want to do is a “compromise”. By promising not to let a cat live in his dad’s house and not getting your consent, he may have been promising that he’d not be living there. Oh, well. At any rate, there gets to be a time in a marriage when one side or the other is forced to give in, but there isn’t a time when one side is forced to give in and doesn’t even get the admission that this is what has happened.

Still, I think you are wise to take the Lord’s counsel:
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.** Matt. 6:34**

Do not waste emotional energy needed for today’s problems on issues that you may not even have to face. By the time your FIL has been put to his rest, the problems of the cats or the house or whatever else may have taken care of itself. Your cats might die, the house could burn down, your husband could have a revelation about the meaning of life and your marriage, the Lord may have come back, who knows? Concentrate on your FIL and husband’s needs and your needs and your pet’s needs today. Unless you have to make a choice today for the sake of your duties tomorrow, then leave tomorrow’s troubles for tomorrow. Stick with that, and no worries, OK?
 
Mamebl said:
I honestly don’t know how we can solve this if he remains adamant that we move there. I know he isn’t thinking clearly right now but I know my husband pretty well and have a gut feeling that his opinion of this is not going to change even in a year. I feel I will have to make a choice and right now I can’t really say that I would choose him…
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Like others have said, cross that bridge when you get to it. However, I totally hear you when you say you know your husband and he will not change. Now…be honest with yourself about the following. Is it just the cats? Or once your FIL has passed will your husband insist on disrupting more of your lief because it was what his dad wanted? The reason I say this is because as I mentioned before, when my family lost a loved one, my life was not made hard over one issue, it was made hard everytime I was in the same room as the man who did not know how to grieve. I am speaking from experience. I will pray God works a miracle in your husbands heart.

CM
 
As far as cats go, let me first say that I know how you feel, I love my dog very much, and our cat. In a very literal way, I owe my very life to that dog. His bed is right next to my head when I sleep and the cat sleeps on a chair in the bedroom or sneaks into the bed. It would have to get very very serious for me to take their places away.

Objectively, what is your FIL’s problem with cats? How does your DH feel about them? Did he just start talking about cats being outdoors animals or is it an old issue? Could it be that he is too overcome by grief and pain and that he is trying to hold on to his father by holding on to his principles right now? Maybe it will pass if you give him some time.

Until then, maybe you can compromise by restricting them to certain rooms, instead of a certain time of the day? For example, no access to the kitchen or the kids’ rooms?

On the other hand, if this turns into a lasting problem, and your husband decides to turn your life upside down (making you move and give up your house and things, your arrangements) to honor the memory of his dad, you might have a problem. As harsh as this may sound right now, I’d be very reluctant to let a dead FIL rule my life.

You need to talk to him about this a lot more (even without the cats, it’s your house, your life), and maybe you (just you or both) need to talk to someone else about everything. Just make sure you give him time to be with his dad while he is still alive and plenty of time to grieve afterwards before you do it, unless he pushes those decisions on you.
 
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