Is there a compromise?

[Luvz2travel]

Unfortunately, my FIL has not been conscious since last Thursday. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my husband about it right now and would never bring it up to FIL even if I could at this point.

This is something my husband promised his dad all the while knowing what the cats meant to me. I feel betrayed by my husband for not only promising him this but for asking me to follow through on a promise HE made without discussing it with me first.

I honestly don’t know how we can solve this if he remains adamant that we move there. I know he isn’t thinking clearly right now but I know my husband pretty well and have a gut feeling that his opinion of this is not going to change even in a year. I feel I will have to make a choice and right now I can’t really say that I would choose him…

I would see a priest about this. It’s wrong and selfish of your husband to make you give up the cats when they mean a lot to you. Frankly only an extreme allergy issue or bad financial problem would make me part with my cats.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do yourself a favor and get rid of the cats.

While I agree with the general maxim that spouses come before pets, remember how she described her pets: My oldest cat is 17 yrs old and has pancreatitis. He does throw up sometimes but it is very easy to clean. My other cat is 12yrs old and basically is always hidden away unless its quiet in the house.

Although a house cat can live to be 20, the average life expectancy of an indoor cat is about 12-15 years. These pets are not going to be easy to place in a new home, and doing so could be very hard on them. That makes asking her to find them a new place quite a bit different than if she knew they could be expected to have a long and healthy life to offer their new owners. In that case, it would be only her that would be making a sacrifice, not the pets.

She has enjoyed their company for many years, and it is understandable that she would feel it her personal responsibility to take care of them when they are more work than fun. Unless she knows someone who would be happy to take them, it isn’t right to ask her to betray what is a 15 year relationship. The animal might not understand the ethical issues involved, but she does.

It also needs to be kept in mind that her husband knew she kept cats when he married her AND that the person who has a problem with them is not her DH, but her FIL. It is not a matter of her husband’s health, either. This is about a promise he made without getting her consent first, not a matter of “it’s me or the cats”.

 

[shainski]

Wow, this is a bit difficult since it will likely be short term issue. It definitely sounds like your husband is dealing with serious grief - and defying his father in his last days seems like betrayal.

It does seem odd to me that you FIL would have this request when it won’t affect him. Have you and your FIL had a good relationship? But, i realize that everyone isn’t always logical - especially when in pain and confronting their own mortality.

How big are your two houses? Is there a compromise that part of the house could be sectioned off for the cats? Could that area be protected with some kind of drop cloths that would leave the carpeting untouched? If you agreed that the carpets could all be replaced after the passing of the cats, would that be reasonable. (How old are these carpets and is there anything about them that would make them valuable or unique?) The other alternative would be to keep both houses while the cats are alive - since it is only 5 houses away. It’s a down market anyway, so you may benefit financially by holding onto it for a while. It may be after a couple months of this, your husband may be able to see more clearly that the cats wouldn’t be that much of an intrusion.

It seems to me that your cats won’t be around more than a few years - so this whole problem resolves itself at that point. But your husband is so torn up inside that he doesn’t see it clearly. So to bringing in a third party to convince your husband he is wrong may backfire.

And if your husband would have this much trouble living down the block from his father’s home - is it realistic to think that you will actually be able to sell it a couple years down the road?

 

[EasterJoy]

It occurred to me that because of the age of the cats–that is, because they’re older, they don’t require a lot of space, just lots of different places to park themselves and to hide-- it might be possible to remodel the garage for them, so that it is insulated and has lots of perches and scratching posts and such, with maybe a place for a TV and a reading nook for the OP. If there were a big window looking out to bird feeders outside or a nook with a south-facing exposure that gets sunny and quite warm, it might be a little heaven for them. After all, people make garages into game rooms and “man caves” all of the time, as it is cheaper than other ways of adding living space to their houses.

After all, DH said the cats wouldn’t live in the FIL’s house. He never promised that the FIL’s garage wouldn’t be made over into a living space amenable to indoor cats. If the DH is willing to make that investment, maybe both spouses could be happy with the new arrangement. (The cats might even prefer the new place to one where they have to submit to being trained to stay off of things.)

When the time comes, making the FIL’s garage into an indoor space might be a way to compromise.