I’m sorry to barge in like this, but I believe that boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are too frequently and too highly understated in such threads, in fact, even somehow disparaged.
The lack of a substantive obligation to fidelity and some form of accountability (control is not right *even *in marriage) does not mean that it is a morally neutral issue. Relationships of love do not start with the moment of marriage alone. The way people act and what they say and what promises they make matters. Promises that do not take the form of a sacrament matter too. We are responsible for what feelings we awaken in people (not my words, this is Card. Wyszyński, an important person in JP2’s life). This means *no *laissez-faire with regard to what happens before the wedding. There is no laissez-faire in morality anyway. If people do not have the right *in *or *to *each other, they have a right to be given truthful communication (and as full as the relationship warrants), as well as a general honest, responsible, caring and personal treatment. Personal, even personalistic, as in not being used as a tool by another. Not a source of fun, not a source of good feelings, not a source of good mood and affirmation, not a learning aid in developing one’s taste in the opposite gender and learning relationship skills, but an actual *person *that has his own dignity, his own worth, a child of God ultimately. This precludes any form of toying and, in my view, precludes the non-accountable, self-driven independence.
But more on topic, there is nothing wrong with enjoying a drink and nothing wrong with eating out alone either. Being able to have a life of one’s own is important even when one is already married. Doing some things alone is necessary–one can’t really have a relationship in which the couple spend 100% of their time together or at least they limit time alone or away to work or chores alone. Some solitude is always necessary. As long as it doesn’t take the form of running away, being a recluse etc., this is healthy.
As for other women hitting on him, well, you really can’t get around to solving this issue by comparing how many men or women hit on each of you in given situations. Basically, you have a drink with friends, he has a drink with friends. Or alone if he wants to. The situation is more or less the same and you need to apply an equal standard. The important thing here is whether you can trust him. If he gives signs of being interested in attention by other women, if he doesn’t respect your feelings but chooses to bask in that attention, if he provokes the women to hit on him, then he can’t be trusted (at least currently) and you need to rethink the relationship. On the other hand, if he just has a drink or something to eat, then what problem would you have with it if you do the same? (Plus, maybe it’s worth mentioning that drink bars are one thing, but places where you go to eat aren’t really places for hitting on people, unless things are different where you live.)
Someone mentioned it would be a problem if he spent time alone at the cost of time with you and I agree. If time alone is more important than time spent with the other person in a relationship, then we have a problem. He doesn’t have to take you everywhere, but say, if he doesn’t have time to meet you but has the time to go out alone, then that’s a problem.
I can’t really tell you more without knowing more details. I can certainly understand how things you describe can be frustrating, I’ve been there, done that. I have my limits there and I stick to them. When they’re crossed, the other person and I are not compatible. I would suggest the same to you. Establish your *reasonable *boundaries and know why you set them. Find someone who won’t push them and won’t give you a headache. And, obviously, don’t despair over little things.
Finally, as you correctly noted, you have some communication problem there. Maybe you need to talk about your expectations as to spending time together and what kind of needs you have there and why they’re important to you. Generally, it’s easier to accept someone’s point of view and recognise his concerns as valid when you’ve heard the reasoning behind them and some justification. It’s harder when the person concerned believes himself or herself non-accountable and not obliged to offer any explanation (which is a wrong attitude in my opinion).
Oh, maybe on a personal note. I’m typically the clingier of the two and more in need of spending time together (I’m a man), but even I would go mad if I had radically to change my routines, give up my men only meetings with old pals etc., not like I wouldn’t be ecstatic for having a girl who’d actually want to spend significant time with me and be really involved, not just when it suits her in terms of no better fun to have otherwise.
Sure, you may worry, but what can you do, really? He hasn’t made any vows to you…yet.