Is there anything spouses should hide from each other?

[GraceDK]

I

The above post is one of the main reasons why i think divulging the truth is better than hiding it. The perpetual fear of knowing you might get “found out” can paralyze a person and certainly the relationship. And once you do get found out, you might lose everything.

Posts like these could be a reason never to get married.
I truly believe if I ever cheated I would be feelings to desperately sad and filthy that I would wanna come forward and deal with the honest consequences… just like if I killed someone, I could not just go on with my life … even if no one would ever find out.

I would say a person who goes to confession to be reconciled with God but doesn’t go to reconscile with the one he has wronged also, is a hypocrite and cannot be trusted.

“Fear of getting found out” is for me a rather infantile reason to come forward… would really prove that the person was just continously selfish if that was his motivation.
If marriage is not based on honesty, I’d have no part in it.

Again I talked with my last boyfriend about this. We were both sure we wanted to know if a spouse did stuff like that… because if one does not live in the truth then the marriage will be a play of pretends… and thats not living authentically.
Again, I might forgive a one time infidelity if I saw the man was very sorry and shocked about his own behaviour and he therefore came forward and admitted his guilt… if he hid it I would not be with him anymore. If there were children I might stay but not have marital relationship with him again until the day where he had proven to me in word and action that he repented both for the betrayal and for lying and sneaking around…

 

[ajaffres]

For what its worth. I recently pre martial classes with our priest with my wife and he brought this subject up. He told both of us that if we cheated, we should not tell the other one because it relieves the guilty of the guilt and pushes pain upon the person you are going to be with the rest of their life.

I agree with this also, not disclosing every single thing about our lives is not keeping ‘secrets’ and it is not ‘lie’. For example, if a good friend of yours confides in you, should you disclose the content of that conversation with your husband? Absolutely not.

If I sinned in some way or another and I recognized my sin, I confessed it and did my penance. It is between God and me. If however, even after doing my penance, I feel that I need help, of course my husband would be the first person I would solicit. Not to relieve my guilt, but to help us both grow in holiness.

Many disclose things simply to relieve themselves of the guilt, if it is shared in that spirit, that in itself is a sin to make another wear your sin instead of working on striving to live the life Jesus has called us to live.

 

[ajaffres]

When we start worrying about our reputations instead of merely guarding the conscience of others by trying to avoid giving scandal, we have come to a “get thee behind me, Satan” moment.

One of the best things for our spiritual well-being is to serve God first and to care very little who thinks us a fool or a saint for doing it. Be faithful to the marriage and to your duty to help get both your spouse and yourself to heaven, and* to h**l* with what anyone in town thinks!

Personally I would not want to know. I do not need to wear his sins. If it is something he did before we were married, he had no commitment with me then, therefore, it is none of my business. If he did not deal with it and decided to leave the marriage, then and only then would I want to know.

 

[ajaffres]

Having recently found about about my wife’s cheating while we were engaged, I would say that unless you never,ever speak of it again, and there is no way that the spouse will find out, cheating should be kept secret. If the cheater can live in that kind of relationship, it is better not to hurt the innocent spouse.

In my case I would have preferred to have known prior to marriage, but once married there is very little that can be done. Unless a declaration of nullility can be obtained, I see no purpose in being hurt like that.Prior to marriage the innocent party can decide to end the relationship or forgive and continue on. It is not so easy with children involved.

Unfortunately I found out through email left open on a shared computer. I have not yet decided on how to deal with it, but it hurts to know that someone you trusted so much was able to hide this kind of secret for so long. It makes you wonder what else they can hide and erodes the marriage significantly. She doesn’t know that I know and I am seeking counsel on how to deal with it.

If it happened only once and never after marriage, why bring it up now? Has you marriage been going well? Are you happy together? What would you gain from getting more information on the incident?

 

[JoArtist]

There is very little I keep from my husband. If a friend confides in me, I don’t tell my hubby those things. Other than that the only thing I don’t tell my husband is how I truly feel about his mother. I can hardly stand her. Unless asked or if she tries to interfere in our marriage (which she has done many times) I keep my mouth shut. I find bad-talking her gets me nowhere. I also don’t like when my husband says negative things about family members of mine, so why would I talk negatively about his?

 

[Pomme]

I agree with this also, not disclosing every single thing about our lives is not keeping ‘secrets’ and it is not ‘lie’. For example, if a good friend of yours confides in you, should you disclose the content of that conversation with your husband? Absolutely not.

If I sinned in some way or another and I recognized my sin, I confessed it and did my penance. It is between God and me. If however, even after doing my penance, I feel that I need help, of course my husband would be the first person I would solicit. Not to relieve my guilt, but to help us both grow in holiness.

Many disclose things simply to relieve themselves of the guilt, if it is shared in that spirit, that in itself is a sin to make another wear your sin instead of working on striving to live the life Jesus has called us to live.

If your good friend confide in you this is not your secret to tell,of course!It belongs to your friend.If someone cheats on the spouse though it is a part of his/her sexual and/or emotional life and desires that he/she takes away from the spouse-despite the commandments and promises…It belongs to the spouse and he/she gives it to someone
else. It is a very different “secret” to keep!
I totally agree that before disclosing,one should work on oneself:not disclose to relieve the guilt only(very selfish),but to be true and repare the damage caused+be faithful forever after that.

 

[Pomme]

Personally I would not want to know. I do not need to wear his sins. If it is something he did before we were married, he had no commitment with me then, therefore, it is none of my business. If he did not deal with it and decided to leave the marriage, then and only then would I want to know.

I don’t need to know before getting married,but once married,I need to know the struggles before my husband decides to leave-before it’s too late…

 

[fm1982]

If it happened only once and never after marriage, why bring it up now? Has you marriage been going well? Are you happy together? What would you gain from getting more information on the incident?

Things are unfortunately not going well and the email I found it in was to a gentleman with whom she was planning “secret” meetings with a various points in the day, including while I’m at work and our kids are in daycare - long story but she is a stay at home mom right now who’s kids are in daycare most of he week, except the baby.

Playing connect the dots here, a full fledged affair is not out of the question.

I feel like I don’t have much of a choice now due to custody laws. She is not well enough to take care of the kids.but thee ensuing fight could lead to her getting a large portion of custody which would be bad for the kids- another long story. I wish I knew before marriage to have been able to make a better choice base on character, but now being stuck, I would rather have stayed ignorant.

 

[Pomme]

Things are unfortunately not going well and the email I found it in was to a gentleman with whom she was planning “secret” meetings with a various points in the day, including while I’m at work and our kids are in daycare - long story but she is a stay at home mom right now who’s kids are in daycare most of he week, except the baby.

Playing connect the dots here, a full fledged affair is not out of the question.

I feel like I don’t have much of a choice now due to custody laws. She is not well enough to take care of the kids.but thee ensuing fight could lead to her getting a large portion of custody which would be bad for the kids- another long story. I wish I knew before marriage to have been able to make a better choice base on character, but now being stuck, I would rather have stayed ignorant.

No no please don’t think that!I will pray St Philomena-very powerful-for you…Your wife doesn’t seem to be well mentally at this point,I don’t know how you could approach her on the subject,but with lots of prayer the right moment will come up and hopefully you will be both in the right dispositions to be honest and forgiving and trustful.
Rather than the flaws remember why you love her and also tell her you love her unconditionally and things will get better.If she feels your love she will want to respond-lots of prayers for you!St. Philomena will change hearts!

 

[kelvinf]

Sure, the secrets of others.