Is there anything spouses should hide from each other?

[Della]

I think it depends on many factors. However, if there is no medical or legal reason to tell, and if the primary force behind telling is clearing of conscience, I amTOTALLY against it. The secret hiding spouse should absorb the guilt, not lessen it my hurting the other in the name of “honesty.”

So while it is not a one size fits all, I agree with the initial priest’s advice.

Yes. It may make a spouse feel good about him/herself to “spill the beans” but if the effect is to hurt the other and damage the marriage it’s not worth it.

And again, no one, not even a spouse, has the right to know what is divulged in confession. It’s not loving to demand to know things better kept secret nor to tell what is better left untold. It is NOT dishonest to withhold information, especially if it will only do more harm than good.

 

[Warrior1979]

As a general rule, I don’t believe that spouses should hide things from their spouses. I also believe there are some exceptions to that rule. Examples might include issues that would likely destroy a marriage if revealed, or issues that can destroy one’s faith if revealed.

 

[Nelka]

I tell my wife everything.

I will wait for the best time though.

If I forgot to pay the council tax, I would wait until I had finished hoovering first.

I have nothing to hide, I am quite boring these days.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

A man who had a very turbulent sexual past and who still struggled with his excessive sexual desires after his conversion and getting married was told in confession that when he falls back into his sexual sins (I.e masturbation, porn etc) he should keep it between him and God and just bring it to confession.

It’s true that such news would be a total devastation to his wife who was instrumental in his conversion and who witnessed the great miracle God did in his life - it could potentially ruin her trust and thereby really hurt the relationship- but do you think it’s right for the man to keep these struggles just between himself and God as the priest suggested?

Putting myself in these shoes I know I would feel extremely betrayed and would be tormented to know that the husband I trust is capable of that, not to mention that the trust would definitely become an issue, but I’m thinking what if she somehow finds out after a year or 2 or 5, wouldn’t it be even worse?

If it were a one-time thing it probably wouldn’t be the end of the world but if he has these temptations and struggles and falls regularly shouldn’t the spouse know?

Just the opposite. Do you want to stay married? Talking to your wife about every struggle you have will tear down her self-esteem. You can tell her that you struggle daily, you can tell her what you are doing in order to stay clean (no porn, etc.), and you can ask for her prayers and support. If you slip, confess it. I assume you are doing everything you can in order to stop looking at porn, masturbating, etc. including male support?

People are assuming that there has been adultery, but I do not see that in your post.

There is a place for discretion within marriage. I have never shared the details of my sexual past with my husband - although it is something I still feel guilt about. What good would it do him to know all of that? Am I hiding something from him? I don’t think so, I think I am protecting our relationship.

Always ask yourself what possible good could come of some bit of information you think you need to share, and if the answer is “none,” then confess it instead.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hide your impatience, your jealousy, and problems that are yours alone to figure out. Hide your annoyance at your spouse’s taste in gifts if they are given with a good heart. Hide anything that comes from selfishness or your own bad intentions and keep them in your heart. Hide any comments that are not loving, helpful, or complimentary.

But feel free to hide a really old and ugly tee shirt with holes in it that you are sick of seeing…
Hide that in the trash on pick up day.

:clapping::yup:

LOL good post!

And hide things that are likely to cause your spouse to believe that she or he is not enough and that you will never stop sinning. Take those things into confession, where God can hear your guilt and absolve it. It’s not your spouse’s ability to absolve you.

 

[cviolette]

You bring excellent points to the table… It must be a very hard situation for you.
Just a suggestion… DH and I both had some troublesome pasts, especially sexually so we made an agreement to tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets before getting engaged - I really held the premise that we should both know what we’re really getting into- and he accepted. We had also agreed that if we found it impossible to accept or forgive each other than we would break up but take each other’s secret to the grave.
It was incredibly eliberating to know I married the one who knew even the worst things about me.
Only u know f ud be comfortable with such a proposal however

That is a great idea. But you both have to agree that you want to know. It sounds like you married a good man

Every relationship is different. I know my husband does not want to know.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That is a great idea. But you both have to agree that you want to know. It sounds like you married a good man

Every relationship is different. I know my husband does not want to know.

I know mine doesn’t either. Heck, he doesn’t really want to know what I think about today, let alone who I slept with 30 years ago!

 

[Pomme]

This is an old thread but I have experienced both situations and I think if it is a one time sin the husband doesn’t need to tell,however if it happens again what the priest said is the worst advice…Our marriage is truer (not easier but truer and there is tremendous progress as a result) since I know.And it is much better if the cheating spouse(porn is cheating) comes forward,instead of the cheated spouse finding out first:the hiding part(which is what the priest recommend in a way) is less seen as a lie in that case.Much less painful than feeling lied to on top of it.
Also it stops the sexual acting out at whatever level it is instead of growing worse and worse up to seeing prostitutes or having affairs,since there is no more secrecy and less shame and guilt from hiding…What is left in front of the cheater is real consequences(broken spouse and a marriage+bad habits to work on),much healthier and effective than having a double life with a apparent happy spouse(who subconsciously knows believe me -when husb and wife are v close the spouse somehow feels it),happy marriage mostly but not true or all the way,and a terrible secret between husb and wife.It is only creating distance which will give more excuse to cheat-very bad advice!
That said I don’t think it is helpful for the cheated spouse to know every detail or every time a temptation comes up!But the cheated spouse should be able to ask any detail he/she wants when he/she wants to-and discuss it.That way the cheater doesn’t constantly reminds his betrayal to the spouse-when the spouse is at a good place for a while and doesn’t need to know so much,and the spouse knows that if he/she wants to know there will be honesty and truth about the whole thing.
The main thing is to see progress and serious work on the problem .Absolution will not be enough to break a habit.

 

[GraceDK]

This is an old thread but I have experienced both situations and I think if it is a one time sin the husband doesn’t need to tell,however if it happens again what the priest said is the worst advice…Our marriage is truer (not easier but truer and there is tremendous progress as a result) since I know.And it is much better if the cheating spouse(porn is cheating) comes forward,instead of the cheated spouse finding out first:the hiding part(which is what the priest recommend in a way) is less seen as a lie in that case.Much less painful than feeling lied to on top of it.
Also it stops the sexual acting out at whatever level it is instead of growing worse and worse up to seeing prostitutes or having affairs,since there is no more secrecy and less shame and guilt from hiding…What is left in front of the cheater is real consequences(broken spouse and a marriage+bad habits to work on),much healthier and effective than having a double life with a apparent happy spouse(who subconsciously knows believe me -when husb and wife are v close the spouse somehow feels it),happy marriage mostly but not true or all the way,and a terrible secret between husb and wife.It is only creating distance which will give more excuse to cheat-very bad advice!
That said I don’t think it is helpful for the cheated spouse to know every detail or every time a temptation comes up!But the cheated spouse should be able to ask any detail he/she wants when he/she wants to-and discuss it.That way the cheater doesn’t constantly reminds his betrayal to the spouse-when the spouse is at a good place for a while and doesn’t need to know so much,and the spouse knows that if he/she wants to know there will be honesty and truth about the whole thing.
The main thing is to see progress and serious work on the problem .Absolution will not be enough to break a habit.

Not coming forward after any kind of betrayal, I would take to mean, the spouse is not repentant.
Like you, I would not tolerate being lied to, but if a spouse confessed immediately some kind of infidelity because he himself was surprised, dissapointed, and disgusted with his action there could be a chance the marriage might be saved.
A liar I would not tolerate.

 

[Pomme]

This is what I think,unfortunately if the sin(like porn) has a tendency to come back(even a few times a year),then this priest advice is very bad.It becomes a lie to the spouse to never tell (only in confession)…I felt v betrayed even though my husband came forward but after years of going to confession(I even felt betrayed by God because confession didn’t seem to have helped!)So no,it is not a good advice.
+the spouse will eventually find out.
I even know a story where the wife finds out weeks after the husband is dead:how horrible is that!!??Isn’t it better to have a real marriage and try fix the real problem before?
Also,this kind of sin is often addictive and it takes more than confession to get rid of it,and you always have to watch it once it’s been addictive.
It’s like a doctor saying don’t tell your wife you have cancer.

 

[Della]

I wouldn’t want my dh to lie to me, either, but the priest is right in that no one has to tell another what he sins he has confessed. Each person is responsible for his/her own soul, not for another’s. If a wife would be devastated to learn something about her husband that he has confessed, then he need not tell her–it’s up to him to decide what he thinks would be best, to tell or not. Each person has his/her own dignity and does not have to answer to another for any personal sin. Affairs might be a bit different, but even that does not entitle a spouse to know what their mate has confessed. It’s no one’s business but the penitent’s.

 

[fm1982]

Having recently found about about my wife’s cheating while we were engaged, I would say that unless you never,ever speak of it again, and there is no way that the spouse will find out, cheating should be kept secret. If the cheater can live in that kind of relationship, it is better not to hurt the innocent spouse.

In my case I would have preferred to have known prior to marriage, but once married there is very little that can be done. Unless a declaration of nullility can be obtained, I see no purpose in being hurt like that.Prior to marriage the innocent party can decide to end the relationship or forgive and continue on. It is not so easy with children involved.

Unfortunately I found out through email left open on a shared computer. I have not yet decided on how to deal with it, but it hurts to know that someone you trusted so much was able to hide this kind of secret for so long. It makes you wonder what else they can hide and erodes the marriage significantly. She doesn’t know that I know and I am seeking counsel on how to deal with it.

 

[GraceDK]

This is what I think,unfortunately if the sin(like porn) has a tendency to come back(even a few times a year),then this priest advice is very bad.It becomes a lie to the spouse to never tell (only in confession)…I felt v betrayed even though my husband came forward but after years of going to confession(I even felt betrayed by God because confession didn’t seem to have helped!)So no,it is not a good advice.
+the spouse will eventually find out.
I even know a story where the wife finds out weeks after the husband is dead:how horrible is that!!??Isn’t it better to have a real marriage and try fix the real problem before?
Also,this kind of sin is often addictive and it takes more than confession to get rid of it,and you always have to watch it once it’s been addictive.
It’s like a doctor saying don’t tell your wife you have cancer.

I think that cheaters cheat again and again if they sense they can get away with it. I dont think people should stay with cheaters if they keep cheating… If they lie at the same time… Good bye Charlie

 

[GraceDK]

Having recently found about about my wife’s cheating while we were engaged, I would say that unless you never,ever speak of it again, and there is no way that the spouse will find out, cheating should be kept secret. If the cheater can live in that kind of relationship, it is better not to hurt the innocent spouse.

**Cheating should be kept a secret huh? Well I guess thats one of those things people should talk about prior to marriage… do I wanna know if you cheat… and what will be the consequences… **

In my case I would have preferred to have known prior to marriage, but once married there is very little that can be done. Unless a declaration of nullility can be obtained,

**The question is, would you have married if you had known about her cheating? If you know with all your heart that you would have ended the relationship then the marriage is based on fraud and you guys are probably not validly married. **

I see no purpose in being hurt like that.Prior to marriage the innocent party can decide to end the relationship or forgive and continue on. It is not so easy with children involved.

**Are there children involved? **

Unfortunately I found out through email left open on a shared computer. I have not yet decided on how to deal with it, but it hurts to know that someone you trusted so much was able to hide this kind of secret for so long. It makes you wonder what else they can hide and erodes the marriage significantly. She doesn’t know that I know and I am seeking counsel on how to deal with it.

Indeed she hid it. You found out. Yet you say you think its okay to try to hide such things? In my oppinion the Biblical principle is this: if you commit a sin agianst your brother (here spouse) you go and reconsile with him. Only then should you come to the alter (confession)… Jesus says this clearly. Besides, when we go to confession what we do is we seek reconsiliation not only with God but also with the Church. Should we not then seek to confess to the spouse which we have wronged in a covenant relationship?
I would not marry a man who thought its okay to deceive more and more once he had cheated…

 

[Struggling323]

For what its worth. I recently pre martial classes with our priest with my wife and he brought this subject up. He told both of us that if we cheated, we should not tell the other one because it relieves the guilty of the guilt and pushes pain upon the person you are going to be with the rest of their life.

 

[GraceDK]

For what its worth. I recently pre martial classes with our priest with my wife and he brought this subject up. He told both of us that if we cheated, we should not tell the other one because it relieves the guilty of the guilt and pushes pain upon the person you are going to be with the rest of their life.

People might prefer different things.
I would rather know the truth and deal with the pain than live on a lie with someone who was going behind my back. Often when people cheat there are many witnesses and the cheated spouse is the fool.
Also I think its very dangerous to give people the idea that cheating without the following repentance and coming forward is possible…
If a person cheats they have to deal with the mess. If they wanna avoid hurting their spouse, well then they ought to think about that before they cheat.
Besides if a person cheats they might end up giving their not-knowing spouse some disgusting disease.

 

[Pomme]

In the case of porn-form of cheating after fantasizing,but before going to massages or prostitutes-,there are no apparent disease involved.The disease is psychological-for both spouses,because the other spouse senses that he/she is not enough even without knowing it’s porn…
I agree we don’t have to tell our sins generally-like if we steal something,we don’t have to tell the spouse BUT we HAVE to make reparation to the person we stole from(give it back-say sorry,give money instead…)I think it is just that with any cheating:you HAVE to make reparation to the person involved:here the spouse.
I agree with the priest saying that telling the spouse would be just putting the guilt on somebody else’s shoulders.Telling is only half of the issue,there has to be REPARATION.Otherwise yes ,telling is NOT healthy,but so is going to confession again and again without being true and offering reparation to your spouse.
Telling is the minimum,then there has to be a real repentance with firm conviction to not do it again-and for that,take all the tools necessary even therapy,accountability groups:the cheater HAS to go out of his way to get rid of the sin+do everything in his power to help the hurting spouse.
This is where we are at-a much better (hurting but better) place than only going to confession with no reparation ,and me feeling something must be wrong with me and having to try being very “hot” and have better sex and things like that…Believe me,telling is only half of what the cheater should do,after going to confession.Both spouses benefit.Hiding is not the cure!!

 

[Phemie]

Let’s see… I stumbled upon the information that my father-in-law, at the time of his death, was having an affair. It seemed to be the consensus that my MIL could not have been unaware. Since we lived nowhere near them and only spent a few days there a year, I don’t think my husband is aware of this and I have no intention of hurting his memory of his father by telling him.

 

[Della]

Actually, the Church teaches that if reparation is impossible or would do more harm than good, it should not be made but a substitute should be offered, such as prayer and penance.

What we are dealing with here is a basic principle that says each person is responsible for his/her own sins and not those of others. We are not to judge one another by our sins, so no one has the right to hurt feelings once a sin has been confessed and forgiven. It’s truly no one’s business but the pentitent. Spouses need to forgive even if they do not know what all they are forgiving each other for. It doesn’t matter. If someone is a serial cheater the spouse knowing will not cure him/her. They need professional help which they can obtain without telling anyone else about it. It’s not the business of a spouse to make their partner tell them all or demand they answer to them for their failings.

We all answer to God and cannot demand satisfaction. We are to love and forgive, not condemn and reprove. Love is not selfish nor demands anything of the beloved. This is agape love not human love. Christian marriage is the earthly image of Christ’s love for the Church–for us sinners. We have to keep that firmly in mind and live by it.

We have no right to hurt feelings because we are all sinners. The spouse who constantly nags or will not let go of past injuries is doing just as much damage to a relationship as a cheater. We all pounce on the other person’s faults and persistent sins, but we fail to look at our own–me included. This is about letting go and getting on, which is what confession and forgiveness are about. If we aren’t willing to let others fail, we are setting up a false sense of security for ourselves and relying on that instead of truly trusting in God and loving our spouse “in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part”.

 

[tafan]

For what its worth. I recently pre martial classes with our priest with my wife and he brought this subject up. He told both of us that if we cheated, we should not tell the other one because it relieves the guilty of the guilt and pushes pain upon the person you are going to be with the rest of their life.

Just thinking out loud, it seems as if on this forum, the recommendations from priests are very consistent in this regard, and yet people do not seem to accept it. I think that priests have a LOT of experience in these matters, and maybe we should trust their answer as opposed to our instincts.

Oh, we may say we want to know if our spouse cheats, but that does not mean it is best.