Is there anything wrong with having homosexual friends?

[yessisan]

2 weeks ago, on the way to our Retrouvaille session, DH and I were talking about how a guy friend of mine, who happens to be homosexual, just ended a 5 yr long relationship and is feeling very lonely and very hurt. I don’t approve with the fact that he lived with the guy he was dating, but I cherish this man as a person. He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever met! He’s 22 and he helped me out a lot when I was in need of work and when I was having trouble with an ex boyfriend I had.

My friend asked if we could go out for coffee, and I mentioned this to my DH. I said, “Would you mind if I went out with him? I haven’t seen him in over a year”… then, DH responded, “No, you can’t go”. I was so upset, I couldn’t believe he was saying no. I asked why and he said because your friend is a man. Yes, not one who’s interested in women. I see my friend a a “girl” friend. We used to talk about clothes, purses, shoes and perfume, about movies, fashion, magazines… what straight guy would be interested in talking to a woman about this sort of stuff?

So, my DH said, “Would you let me go out with a lesbian friend?”. I said, “I wouldn’t mind if you went out with a woman who I knew for sure wasn’t interested in men”. So to his defense he said “Well, what if so & so (he mentioned one of his Catholic friends… remember my DH is a JW) saw you with your friend in public?” I said to him I didn’t care who saw me because I wasn’t going to be doing anything wrong and that just by looking at my friend, you could tell he wasn’t straight. The way he dresses, moves and speaks tells you he’s not interested in women. (I’m trying to avoid using words used to identify homosexuals, I don’t like to use them so I don’t offend anyone). So, DH was upset I wanted to see my guy friend who I see as my girl friend.

We got to our Retrouvaille meeting, and we weren’t speaking. I went to talk to the other women in the group about their kids and being either SAHM’s or being working moms. So, about 2 hours after the session began, DH tells me it’s ok if I go have some coffee with my friend.

I don’t know if he did it because he saw I was a bit mad, or if he discussed this with the other men at Retro, or if he thought about what harm it could cause if a person he knew woould see me with my friend. I have nothing to hide, so I cannot be afraid of anything… unless there really is something wrong about being friends with a person who is attracted to people of their same sex.

Can anyone help me figure out if I’m wrong in this or if DH was wrong? Before we married, he asked that I stop talking to a friend I dated 8 yrs ago, so I did, for the sake of our future marriage, but a guy who isn’t even a threat at all to his relationship? Would it be that he’s a JW? I don’t know what to do. I want to see my friend but I don’t know if I should.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Why don’t you offer to have the three of you go out for coffee?

 

[catechumen08]

Can anyone help me figure out if I’m wrong in this or if DH was wrong? Before we married, he asked that I stop talking to a friend I dated 8 yrs ago, so I did, for the sake of our future marriage, but a guy who isn’t even a threat at all to his relationship? Would it be that he’s a JW? I don’t know what to do. I want to see my friend but I don’t know if I should.

I can see how your husband would be upset at you still speaking with an ex-boyfriend. Doesn’t matter that you’re no longer seeing him. Ask yourself this, would you be comfortable if you knew that you husband was still talking to his ex?

As for this particular case, I wouldn’t have minded if I were him. You’re a free person, so you’re free to do whatever you want. As your husband, he should have enough trust in you to do the right thing, or rather, to not do the wrong thing.

When I first read the title of your thread, I had originally thought that your husband had a moral objection to homosexuality, and that that was the reason. The reason he had was a bit silly, and I think he did realize that later. Still, I think you should give your husband credit for doing the right thing, eventually.

 

[1ke]

You’ve got several different issues going on here, so I’ll try to call them as I see them:

1. The issue of having a friend who identifies themselves as “gay”: No, the Church does not teach any sort of shunning of individuals regardless of their sin. HOWEVER, we should in no way encourage or approve of their sin. So, if you have a friend who is “gay” you must be clear about that. Talking about their latest “boyfriend”, for example, would be problematic-- unless you are sharing the Gospel and encouraging them to discontinue their lifestyle. Also, invitations to your home or events might be a problem as you could not acknowledge any “partner” in such an invitation.

And, you must also be cognizant of how your willingness to engage in “girlfriend” talk with this man also contributes to his identification as “gay”. Personally, I think it’s on the line there-- by talking to him in this “gay” manner you are encouraging him and tacitly approving of his lifestyle. The fact is he is NOT a girlfriend.

1. Desiring to do something your DH is not comfortable with. This, to me, is a bigger issue. You asked if he had a problem with it, and he told you yes. But, you didn’t like that answer, so you pouted until he gave in. If you had no intention of actually following his decision, you should not have asked him. His opinion is not a rubber-stamp for you. You cannot just do as you please regardless of his feelings on the matter.
2. Timing of this discussion and the subsequent behavior at Retrouvaille: Clearly communication is not your strong suit in your relationship, and Retrouvaille can be a big help. BUT, not if you are having disagreements and “not speaking”. You seem to have pouted until you got your way. Not cool. You should have been together at Retrouvaille and working on your relationship. You guys need to get some communication framework in place and stop with the juvenile behavior.

 

[catechumen08]

1. Desiring to do something your DH is not comfortable with. This, to me, is a bigger issue. You asked if he had a problem with it, and he told you yes. But, you didn’t like that answer, so you pouted until he gave in. If you had no intention of actually following his decision, you should not have asked him. His opinion is not a rubber-stamp for you. You cannot just do as you please regardless of his feelings on the matter.

I disagree. A marriage is a partnership. She didn’t ask her husband with the explicit intention of following his exact order; she did it to get his (name removed by moderator)ut. She has the free will to make her own decisions and face up to the consequences.

1. Timing of this discussion and the subsequent behavior at Retrouvaille: Clearly communication is not your strong suit in your relationship, and Retrouvaille can be a big help. BUT, not if you are having disagreements and “not speaking”. You seem to have pouted until you got your way. Not cool. You should have been together at Retrouvaille and working on your relationship. You guys need to get some communication framework in place and stop with the juvenile behavior.

Again, I disagree. How do you presume to know that communication is not her strong suit? People communicate in different ways. Who are we to pass judgment on whatever works for them? I do agree, though, that decisions should be made together as a couple.

 

[1ke]

I disagree. A marriage is a partnership. She didn’t ask her husband with the explicit intention of following his exact order; she did it to get his (name removed by moderator)ut. She has the free will to make her own decisions and face up to the consequences.

That’s fine, feel free to disagree.

Again, I disagree. How do you presume to know that communication is not her strong suit?

Other posts.

I know they are working on their relationship and working hard on it-- but these kinds of “silent treatment” moves do not help and are counter productive.

It’s my opinion that she just wanted him to say that he was fine with it. But, he’s not fine with it. Yes, I believe that in a marriage sometimes you have to defer when a spouse isn’t on board with something even if YOU think their reason is silly or unfair.

 

[catechumen08]

I know they are working on their relationship and working hard on it-- but these kinds of “silent treatment” moves do not help and are counter productive.

I’m not a big fan of the silent treatment, either. It seemed to me, though, that they were giving each other the silent treatment.

Yes, I believe that in a marriage sometimes you have to defer when a spouse isn’t on board with something even if YOU think their reason is silly or unfair.

Agreed. That’s where compromises come in.

 

[Linnyo]

I actually think that as a wife, you have to honour and respect your husband. I would never go out alone with another man regardless of their sexuality because it would not be right. If I wish to see old friends then my husband is included in my plans also. If he is unwilling to socialise with my friends then I would ensure that I did not see that male from the past on my own. I might arrange a reunion along with some other ‘old friends’. I think you put you husband in a really difficult position and punished him for his opinion.

 

[yessisan]

Why don’t you offer to have the three of you go out for coffee?

I did mention this to him and he said no.

I can see how your husband would be upset at you still speaking with an ex-boyfriend. Doesn’t matter that you’re no longer seeing him. Ask yourself this, would you be comfortable if you knew that you husband was still talking to his ex?

being why I stopped speaking to that guy with no objection

You’ve got several different issues going on here, so I’ll try to call them as I see them:

1. The issue of having a friend who identifies themselves as “gay”: No, the Church does not teach any sort of shunning of individuals regardless of their sin. HOWEVER, we should in no way encourage or approve of their sin. So, if you have a friend who is “gay” you must be clear about that. Talking about their latest “boyfriend”, for example, would be problematic-- unless you are sharing the Gospel and encouraging them to discontinue their lifestyle. Also, invitations to your home or events might be a problem as you could not acknowledge any “partner” in such an invitation.

And, you must also be cognizant of how your willingness to engage in “girlfriend” talk with this man also contributes to his identification as “gay”. Personally, I think it’s on the line there-- by talking to him in this “gay” manner you are encouraging him and tacitly approving of his lifestyle. The fact is he is NOT a girlfriend.

I have agreed to this type of behavior in the past, but that’s only when I was away from the Church and mislead by society. I went to school in San Francisco, a very liberal city, and at this school, I took some classes that actually taught this behavior was not wrong. Now that I am back at the CC, I do not approve of what he did or has done in the past. When I was working with him, he knew I was Catholic and knew my stance on the matter. Going out with him would be just as friends and making sure he’s ok. I cannot, however, influence him to be more girly since he’s been this way all his life, regardless of me having been in the picture. Talking to him about other things could be better, but I cannot tell him being this way is worng so be a man. I do happen to believe gay people are born this way. I think it’s a disorder and cannot be fixed. The only workable part in being homosexual is not acting up on it, and of course I cannot have a part in that. That has nothing to do with me, it’s all up to him.

1. Desiring to do something your DH is not comfortable with. This, to me, is a bigger issue. You asked if he had a problem with it, and he told you yes. But, you didn’t like that answer, so you pouted until he gave in. If you had no intention of actually following his decision, you should not have asked him. His opinion is not a rubber-stamp for you. You cannot just do as you please regardless of his feelings on the matter.

In a way I knew you would come and tell me this, I was actually expecting you to answer to my post. I always ask for his approval, I was just trying to see if he’d approve or not, I really didn’t think he’d say no, he’s already met my friend, so I din’t think he’d oppose. And about doing this regardless of what he says… he does that to me, and I don’t. He didn’t let me bless our house, he didn’t want a priest coming into our house , but I did get him to say our children are going to be Catholic. We had a huge fight last Saturday that led me to tell him if thechildren weren’t going to be raised Catholic, I was leaving the house. But that’s another story.

1. Timing of this discussion and the subsequent behavior at Retrouvaille: Clearly communication is not your strong suit in your relationship, and Retrouvaille can be a big help. BUT, not if you are having disagreements and “not speaking”. You seem to have pouted until you got your way. Not cool. You should have been together at Retrouvaille and working on your relationship. You guys need to get some communication framework in place and stop with the juvenile behavior.

Being why we’re at Retrouvaille, aside from the incident with our dog and the time I left the house…

But we were speaking at Retro, just not when we arrived. We were sharing our thout about the relationship. We weren’t speaking about the going out with my friend. After the dialogue he told me I could go out with him. It’s been 2 wks and I still haven’t gone. I do want my DH to go with me so he doesn’t feel resentmetn towards me.

 

[yessisan]

I actually think that as a wife, you have to honour and respect your husband. I would never go out alone with another man regardless of their sexuality because it would not be right. If I wish to see old friends then my husband is included in my plans also. If he is unwilling to socialise with my friends then I would ensure that I did not see that male from the past on my own. I might arrange a reunion along with some other ‘old friends’. I think you put you husband in a really difficult position and punished him for his opinion.

I do honour and respect his opinion, that is exactly why I asked if it was ok. He can go out with all his friends even though it makes me mad that he does, but I can’t? He went out with his friends on my bday instead of stay with me. He went out fishing in the middle of the day when we had already planned to go somewhere. And he knows it better than anyone I don’t really approve of that friendship. He talks to a woman from his past (a friend, never a girlfriend) who is still in “love” with him despite of me telling him I’m not ok with it. He even cried because he’s known her all his life He was writing a snail mail letter to her, was sending pictures of him and giving her our address and phone number… so he’s allowed and I cannot ask if it’s ok and not like his response?

 

[1ke]

I really think the issue is the bigger issue in your marriage-- the difference in religions.

All these other issues are just symptoms. The main issue is being diverted into all these other little power struggles and disagreements.

I don’t know what to tell you to fix it, but it’s just what I see as happening.

So, lesson learned: don’t ask him. You know it’s also a Hispanic cultural thing, so if you don’t want to get the “man rules the house” answer then don’t ask the question. Go and do what you want, and tell him later (of course, I’m speaking about morally acceptable things).

 

[Sr_Sally]

No friendship is worth your marriage. Send your friend a card and cool off on the coffees until you and your dh are doing better.

 

[yessisan]

No friendship is worth your marriage. Send your friend a card and cool off on the coffees until you and your dh are doing better.

I gotta say, you are more than right on this one!

 

[yessisan]

I really think the issue is the bigger issue in your marriage-- the difference in religions.

All these other issues are just symptoms. The main issue is being diverted into all these other little power struggles and disagreements.

I don’t know what to tell you to fix it, but it’s just what I see as happening.

So, lesson learned: don’t ask him. You know it’s also a Hispanic cultural thing, so if you don’t want to get the “man rules the house” answer then don’t ask the question. Go and do what you want, and tell him later (of course, I’m speaking about morally acceptable things).

Religion, culture, they both play a big part in this. But I still don’t want to go off and do things behind his back.

 

[1ke]

Religion, culture, they both play a big part in this. But I still don’t want to go off and do things behind his back.

I’m not advocating doing anything behind his back.

 

[catechumen08]

I do honour and respect his opinion, that is exactly why I asked if it was ok. He can go out with all his friends even though it makes me mad that he does, but I can’t? He went out with his friends on my bday instead of stay with me. He went out fishing in the middle of the day when we had already planned to go somewhere. And he knows it better than anyone I don’t really approve of that friendship. He talks to a woman from his past (a friend, never a girlfriend) who is still in “love” with him despite of me telling him I’m not ok with it. He even cried because he’s known her all his life He was writing a snail mail letter to her, was sending pictures of him and giving her our address and phone number… so he’s allowed and I cannot ask if it’s ok and not like his response?

Oh boy, yessisan, I’m beginning to agree with 1ke. It sounds to me that you and your husband have some issues that you need to work out. I’m not going to say anything else, because I’m not qualified.

 

[Linnyo]

I do honour and respect his opinion, that is exactly why I asked if it was ok. He can go out with all his friends even though it makes me mad that he does, but I can’t? He went out with his friends on my bday instead of stay with me. He went out fishing in the middle of the day when we had already planned to go somewhere. And he knows it better than anyone I don’t really approve of that friendship. He talks to a woman from his past (a friend, never a girlfriend) who is still in “love” with him despite of me telling him I’m not ok with it. He even cried because he’s known her all his life He was writing a snail mail letter to her, was sending pictures of him and giving her our address and phone number… so he’s allowed and I cannot ask if it’s ok and not like his response?

Ah, I still stand by what I say but it goes for him too. He should not be going out alone with other women. In crowds, yes ok but not alone. Never put yourself in a position where you might cause harm to your marraige.
I don’t think religion differences matter. Plenty mixed marraiges do work but the power struggle here is definately problematic. Sounds to me like you both want to be boss. You need to treat each other in the way you wish to be treated.

 

[yessisan]

Ah, I still stand by what I say but it goes for him too. He should not be going out alone with other women. In crowds, yes ok but not alone. Never put yourself in a position where you might cause harm to your marraige.
I don’t think religion differences matter. Plenty mixed marraiges do work but the power struggle here is definately problematic. Sounds to me like you both want to be boss. You need to treat each other in the way you wish to be treated.

I don’t want to be the boss, I want to be an equal. He cannot be the head of my household when it comes to religious purposes, but he is considered the head. But we are both equal, that’s not what the problem here is. We do ave a lot of problems because of the religion.

 

[dapper]

2 weeks ago, on the way to our Retrouvaille session, DH and I were talking about how a guy friend of mine, who happens to be homosexual, just ended a 5 yr long relationship and is feeling very lonely and very hurt. I don’t approve with the fact that he lived with the guy he was dating, but I cherish this man as a person. He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever met! He’s 22 and he helped me out a lot when I was in need of work and when I was having trouble with an ex boyfriend I had.

My friend asked if we could go out for coffee, and I mentioned this to my DH. I said, “Would you mind if I went out with him? I haven’t seen him in over a year”… then, DH responded, “No, you can’t go”. I was so upset, I couldn’t believe he was saying no. I asked why and he said because your friend is a man. Yes, not one who’s interested in women. I see my friend a a “girl” friend. We used to talk about clothes, purses, shoes and perfume, about movies, fashion, magazines… what straight guy would be interested in talking to a woman about this sort of stuff?

So, my DH said, “Would you let me go out with a lesbian friend?”. I said, “I wouldn’t mind if you went out with a woman who I knew for sure wasn’t interested in men”. So to his defense he said “Well, what if so & so (he mentioned one of his Catholic friends… remember my DH is a JW) saw you with your friend in public?” I said to him I didn’t care who saw me because I wasn’t going to be doing anything wrong and that just by looking at my friend, you could tell he wasn’t straight. The way he dresses, moves and speaks tells you he’s not interested in women. (I’m trying to avoid using words used to identify homosexuals, I don’t like to use them so I don’t offend anyone). So, DH was upset I wanted to see my guy friend who I see as my girl friend.

We got to our Retrouvaille meeting, and we weren’t speaking. I went to talk to the other women in the group about their kids and being either SAHM’s or being working moms. So, about 2 hours after the session began, DH tells me it’s ok if I go have some coffee with my friend.

I don’t know if he did it because he saw I was a bit mad, or if he discussed this with the other men at Retro, or if he thought about what harm it could cause if a person he knew woould see me with my friend. I have nothing to hide, so I cannot be afraid of anything… unless there really is something wrong about being friends with a person who is attracted to people of their same sex.

Can anyone help me figure out if I’m wrong in this or if DH was wrong? Before we married, he asked that I stop talking to a friend I dated 8 yrs ago, so I did, for the sake of our future marriage, but a guy who isn’t even a threat at all to his relationship? Would it be that he’s a JW? I don’t know what to do. I want to see my friend but I don’t know if I should.

The fact that your husband has to approve who you can and cannot hang out with is really odd.

 

[dapper]

I do honour and respect his opinion, that is exactly why I asked if it was ok. He can go out with all his friends even though it makes me mad that he does, but I can’t? He went out with his friends on my bday instead of stay with me. He went out fishing in the middle of the day when we had already planned to go somewhere. And he knows it better than anyone I don’t really approve of that friendship. He talks to a woman from his past (a friend, never a girlfriend) who is still in “love” with him despite of me telling him I’m not ok with it. He even cried because he’s known her all his life He was writing a snail mail letter to her, was sending pictures of him and giving her our address and phone number… so he’s allowed and I cannot ask if it’s ok and not like his response?

WOW! Double-standard to the max! Sounds like your husband is super-insecure. Glad to hear that you see this.

In terms of your gay friend, just go out with him. Life is too short to have to wait for “DH” to authorize our every move. I say forget what your husband thinks. This person is **(a) **only a friend, (b) you have no intention of cheating on your husband (even though it sounds like his heart is lingering in the past) and **(c) **on top of that, the friend is gay! As many posters seem to notice, there are bigger issues here, namely, your husband’s antiquated view on where women fall in the decision making process of hanging out with friends. It also sounds like he is EXTREMELY insecure with himself, your relationship with him and your relationship with your gay firend. That’s HIS PROBLEM. It’s disordered and needs rectifying. He should seek therapy. You might benefit from seeing a marriage counselor.

I think that thsi whole situation in which you wanted to hang out with a friend has exposed some deeper rooted problems. Probably a blessing in disguise. It’s pretty obvious though that your husband is insecure and needs to get some help on that.