Is there anything wrong with not having a nuptial mass in a mixed marriage ceremony?

[RJ88]

Okay, I posted this question in the ‘Ask an Apologist’ section but haven’t gotten a response, so I thought I’d post it for discussion here as well.

This summer I’ll be marrying my fiancee, who happens to be Protestant; I made it clear to her from the beginning that I wanted to be married in a Catholic church, which she never had a problem with. However, we decided to have a simple wedding rather than a full mass after she told me she was concerned that a communion ceremony in which she and her family could not take part would make her feel like an “outsider” at her own wedding. I thought this seemed perfectly fair. We talked this over with the priest and religious director at my parish and they told us that this was not only permissible but probably the right way to go in a situation like ours.

The only problem is that my devoutly Catholic mother is horrified at the suggestion that there won’t be a mass included in my wedding; she insists, among other things, that the wedding “won’t really be Catholic” because of this, that it will somehow be less sacramental or valid than a marriage with a nuptial mass, that omitting the mass would be sinful and offensive to Our Lord, etc.

None of this is how I understand the Church’s policy on interfaith marriages. Everyone else has told us that what we’re doing is perfectly fine, and that our wedding day should be emphasizing what unites us, not what divides us. This has been backed up not only by the parish staff but by Catholic friends of ours.

So IS there anything wrong with simply having a wedding ceremony rather than a full nuptial mass when one person is Catholic and the other isn’t? And if not - how can I ease my mother’s concerns about this? I understand that she would like me to be able to receive communion on this special day, but she also needs to realize that this isn’t her wedding and this decision isn’t hers to make.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

In this situation it is not usual to have the nuptial mass. I heard from a priest during my marriage preparation that it can be allowed in some circumstances but that it is not the norm since one party is not Catholic. So I don’t think that it is a question of choice or preference but more what the church allows in this situation. I hope your mother will accepth this and understand that you will still have a valid and sacramental marriage.

 

[RJ88]

In this situation it is not usual to have the nuptial mass. I heard from a priest during my marriage preparation that it can be allowed in some circumstances but that it is not the norm since one party is not Catholic. So I don’t think that it is a question of choice or preference but more what the church allows in this situation. I hope your mother will accepth this and understand that you will still have a valid and sacramental marriage.

Thank you for your reply…this is pretty much how I understood the situation as well. (Our church would have allowed us to have a nuptial mass had we wanted to, but it wasn’t encouraged.)

 

[corsair]

My wife and I were married on April 23, 1966 in a Catholic church. She was a cradle Catholic and I was a “heathen”. However, I was very open to the Catholic church and agreed to raise our children Catholic.

The priest was a wonderful old man that wanted us to have a Nuptial Mass, so he went to the Bishop and we were granted a Dispensation to have the Mass. That was at St. Ceclia’s in Tustin Calif.

So it can be done. But for the most part its not recommended.

 

[corsair]

I forgot to add that four years after we were married I converted to the Catholic church of my own free will.

 

[1ke]

We talked this over with the priest and religious director at my parish and they told us that this was not only permissible but probably the right way to go in a situation like ours.

Yes, the parish is correct and giving you good guidance.

The only problem is that my devoutly Catholic mother is horrified at the suggestion that there won’t be a mass included in my wedding; she insists, among other things, that the wedding “won’t really be Catholic” because of this, that it will somehow be less sacramental or valid than a marriage with a nuptial mass, that omitting the mass would be sinful and offensive to Our Lord, etc.

Your mother is going on emotion. Not on fact.

The Church teaches clearly that the Marriage Rite outside the mass is an option, and the preferred option for mixed marriages. It therefore can be neither sinful nor offensive.

It has no impact on validity or sacramentality. The Church’s canon law is crystal clear.

So IS there anything wrong with simply having a wedding ceremony rather than a full nuptial mass when one person is Catholic and the other isn’t?

No.

And if not - how can I ease my mother’s concerns about this?

It’s not your job to do so.

This is the part where you leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife.

Tell her to go talk to her priest about it.

 

[Thomas63116]

Okay, I posted this question in the ‘Ask an Apologist’ section but haven’t gotten a response, so I thought I’d post it for discussion here as well.

This summer I’ll be marrying my fiancee, who happens to be Protestant; I made it clear to her from the beginning that I wanted to be married in a Catholic church, which she never had a problem with. However, we decided to have a simple wedding rather than a full mass after she told me she was concerned that a communion ceremony in which she and her family could not take part would make her feel like an “outsider” at her own wedding. I thought this seemed perfectly fair. We talked this over with the priest and religious director at my parish and they told us that this was not only permissible but probably the right way to go in a situation like ours.

The only problem is that my devoutly Catholic mother is horrified at the suggestion that there won’t be a mass included in my wedding; she insists, among other things, that the wedding “won’t really be Catholic” because of this, that it will somehow be less sacramental or valid than a marriage with a nuptial mass, that omitting the mass would be sinful and offensive to Our Lord, etc.

None of this is how I understand the Church’s policy on interfaith marriages. Everyone else has told us that what we’re doing is perfectly fine, and that our wedding day should be emphasizing what unites us, not what divides us. This has been backed up not only by the parish staff but by Catholic friends of ours.

So IS there anything wrong with simply having a wedding ceremony rather than a full nuptial mass when one person is Catholic and the other isn’t? And if not - how can I ease my mother’s concerns about this? I understand that she would like me to be able to receive communion on this special day, but she also needs to realize that this isn’t her wedding and this decision isn’t hers to make.

Quite simply, you, your fiance, your priest, etc. are correct. The wedding ceremony without a Mass is generally preferred when a Catholic marries a non-Catholic. Your marriage will be valid, will be a sacrament, etc.

Your mother needs to accept this, and move on. You are already following the advice of your priest, so I don’t know what else would convince her. Is the real issue that she doesn’t want you to marry your fiance because she is not Catholic?

 

[Mumbles140]

I, also, am marrying a Protestant girl this summer, and we are having the Sacrament of Matrimony outside of Mass. This is commonplace when one spouse is Catholic and the other is non-Catholic Christian. When a Catholic marries a non-Christian, though the marriage is valid in the eyes of the Church, it is non-sacramental.

Now, in the desire to attend mass on the day of the wedding, we decided to get up and go to an early Saturday morning mass. Perhaps you can suggest that to your mother as well!

 

[purplesunshine]

First, let me say that it is good you came to a forum seeking advice.

However, there is one element in this that has me concerned…that you saught advise from the Catholic church (which you trust) and from a friend. You researched and seem to REALLY be knowing what your doing. KUDOS! What is worrysome to me is that you are giving such weight to the rantings of your mother. You need to be putting your foot down…you do not need to quote chatecism or other material to her. You are getting married to a women whom you’re supposed to lead and care for. Mommy’s time is up. Certinally, you should be kind to her, but please, for the love of everything, let her know that you are not changing your mind bar a direct order from the Pope. (and he wouldn’t becuase this is a common, acceptable practice. Even Catholics marrying Catholics aren’t obliged to have Mass…recommeneded, but not requried)

 

[SMHW]

I disagree with others who say that you should not be concerned with your mother’s feelings about this. It is very reasonable for a mother (and/or father) to want the (adult) child to have a nuptial Mass with the wedding. In fact it is ideal to have a nuptial Mass. Your mother realizes this.

That said… the Church, you, your fiancee, and the posters here recognize that having a nuptial Mass is not the best choice for *your *situation. The truth of the matter is that you don’t have an ideal situation (two Catholics marrying) so some ideals just aren’t realistic.

While I think your mother’s feelings are reasonable, she will have to live with her disappointment. And I think it is only proper that you should be sympathetic to those feelings, even while holding your ground. I would hope that *you *are somewhat disappointed that you will not be having a nuptial Mass even as you understand it is the best choice for your situation.

…and a suggestion.

When I married my (then) non-Catholic husband I and my parents all went to Mass together the morning of the wedding. It went a long way towards soothing my mother’s disappointment that her daughter would not be married within the context of a nuptial Mass.

 

[benedictgal]

Actually, the Holy Father makes this recommendation in Sacramentum Caritatis:

In this regard, I** would like to call attention to a pastoral problem frequently encountered nowadays. I am referring to the fact that on certain occasions – for example, wedding Masses, funerals and the like – in addition to practicing Catholics there may be others present who have long since ceased to attend Mass or are living in a situation which does not permit them to receive the sacraments**. At other times members of other Christian confessions and even other religions may be present. Similar situations can occur in churches that are frequently visited, especially in tourist areas. In these cases, there is a need to find a brief and clear way to remind those present of the meaning of sacramental communion and the conditions required for its reception. Wherever circumstances make it impossible to ensure that the meaning of the Eucharist is duly appreciated, the appropriateness of replacing the celebration of the Mass with a celebration of the word of God should be considered. (153)

I hope this helps.

 

[puzzleannie]

Okay, I posted this question in the ‘Ask an Apologist’ section but haven’t gotten a response, so I thought I’d post it for discussion here as well.

This summer I’ll be marrying my fiancee, who happens to be Protestant; I made it clear to her from the beginning that I wanted to be married in a Catholic church, which she never had a problem with. However, we decided to have a simple wedding rather than a full mass after she told me she was concerned that a communion ceremony in which she and her family could not take part would make her feel like an “outsider” at her own wedding. I thought this seemed perfectly fair. We talked this over with the priest and religious director at my parish and they told us that this was not only permissible but probably the right way to go in a situation like ours…

most priests are of the same mind as your fiance.
They will refuse, or strenuously advise against, a nuptial Mass or even communion at a wedding were one spouse and half the guests are non-CAtholic, for the very reason she names, the visible disunity at a time which should above all be showing unity.

Have the priest speak to your mother and explain the reasons for his decision.

 

[Seatuck]

I’d cut your mother a little slack. Mom’s have dreams about our son’s weddings as well as our daughter’s. We have dreams about our children’s spouses. You have chosen a spouse that is not of the same religious background. It’s a tough thing to deal with for a devout catholic mother. It is disappointing , possibly painful and can cause some fear about your future as a Catholic as well as any Grandchildren that might come along. Even if the mother loves this future daughter in law as a person. This is manifesting itself with the wedding plans. Granted , she is going to have to deal with her disappointment and concern. Encourage her to talk to a priest about it so she can be at peace.

 

[jpjd]

My husband is not Catholic and we got married in the Catholic Church without a nuptial Mass, for that very reason that half the people present for the wedding would not appreciate the beauty of a Catholic Mass. Even without a Mass, our ceremony was a beautiful – and sacramental – wedding.

May I suggest that you plan to go to Mass with your mother and other Catholic friends and family before the wedding; for example, assuming your wedding is on Saturday afternoon, maybe you could attend a Saturday morning Mass. That would be very meaningful, and just the right way to start the day.

 

[ConstantineTG]

If you have a Mass, it would not be right for one of the couples to receive Communion while the other does not. Its a little contrary to the Sacrament of Matrimony when the two become one flesh, but only one receives Communion wherein Communion makes you one with the Church and with Christ. So its odd that Matrimony brings together husband and wife, but only one of them is communed with Christ. That is the reason why a Mass is normally left out in mixed marriages.