Is there hope for my marriage?

[Iris30]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking around here for awhile but finally got up the courage to post tonight. Maybe you all will be kind enough to offer me some advice and some prayers.

I’m very afraid for my marriage. We have been married for only two years and it feels like it’s been a struggle the whole time. We constantly go through these extreme highs and extreme lows. I am not proud at all of how often and how badly we fight. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in an abusive relationship but I’m not sure which one of us is the abuser.

I am guilty of lots of impatience and yelling and I know it drives my husband crazy. But it’s because I feel at the end of my rope (not making an excuse, just explaining what prompts it). He just seems so controlling and defiant all the time. He rejects me sexually all the time even though we’ve talked about a hundred times about how devastating it is to me. I always get the feeling it’s some sort of power play to reject me that way. I’ve never heard of a healthy 30 year old man who is barely interested in sex. Tonight we got into a huge fight about it again and he just broke my dresser in half with his fist because he just wanted me to shutup. He has never hurt me, but he does punch objects when he’s mad.

I’m so scared and despairing now. We’ve been trying to get pregnant without success and now I go back to thinking that maybe we shouldn’t be trying, even though I want children more than anything in the world.

I have been to counseling, I have read a dozen books, we went to marital therapy a couple times but that was it. He says he’ll go to counseling but never follows through. I’m so sad. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but it literally feels like we’re in this toxic, horrible cycle that can never be broken.

Thanks for listening.

 

[kmuestwin]

This ministry may serve as a help to you. I know at least one person who went through this and said that it got her marriage back on track.

Marriage help program for couples

 

[Rainaldo]

I recommend calling in on the radio show of Dr Laura Schlessinger. She has the knack of cutting to to the heart of the matter.

 

[Scottishtee]

Iris,
You and your marraige are in my prayers and yes there is great hope! Remember that fear, anger, selfcenterdness, isolation, resentments…none of these are from God nor are they God’s will for us! Yet they are very real in our lives and in our thoughts. Peace, joy, forgiveness(giving and asking for), love are all from God. God created us in His likeness. Part of that includes the fact that our minds have power to create what we think about. Your story touched my heart. It describes an environment that is ripe for satan to fill your creative mind with his agenda. We are cautioned to hold or take each thought captive and to make them obedient unto Christ.A tall order to be sure, but what a powerful transformative change becomes when we reverse spiritual decline and restore spiritual growth! I saw the well intentioned suggestion to call dr laura. The church has the powerful tools of the sacraments. Start with reconcilliation…penance to follow…The Eucharist is another. Call your priest, whose role it is to facilitate and guide you through this confession.Iknow satan will fill your mind with a million reasons not to pick up that phone, but who you follow will be determined by your actions. You remain in my prayers!
Peace be with you!

 

[odile53]

Only you can answer that question. Retrouvaille might be able to help, assuming your husband is willing to attend and try it.

His breaking your dresser with his fist concerns me, though, as well as your description of his being controlling. When anger becomes demonstrated physically, it’s really time to take a very long, hard look at what is going on, and putting a stop to it. Breaking objects is early in the cycle of violence. Violence tends to escalate in frequency and intensity. Don’t permit it to escalate, even if that means you have to separate for awhile.

 

[aicirt]

Call your local battered women’s shelter and explain the situation. Breaking a dresser? That’s bad. And apparently this wasn’t the first thing.

Also talk to your priest and to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. Keep a journal of all that has transpired over the last two years. Write down the dates of each incident.

It is not normal for a 30 yr. old not to be interested in sex. Does he drink or do drugs?

Please don’t bring a baby into this situation. Drop the subject. You are on a roller coaster. Don’t think his highs will be the norm then find yourself pregnant only to discover he’s back to his old habits of abuse and you are now pregnant.

 

[Iris30]

Iris,
You and your marraige are in my prayers and yes there is great hope! Remember that fear, anger, selfcenterdness, isolation, resentments…none of these are from God nor are they God’s will for us! Yet they are very real in our lives and in our thoughts. Peace, joy, forgiveness(giving and asking for), love are all from God. God created us in His likeness. Part of that includes the fact that our minds have power to create what we think about. Your story touched my heart. It describes an environment that is ripe for satan to fill your creative mind with his agenda. We are cautioned to hold or take each thought captive and to make them obedient unto Christ.A tall order to be sure, but what a powerful transformative change becomes when we reverse spiritual decline and restore spiritual growth! I saw the well intentioned suggestion to call dr laura. The church has the powerful tools of the sacraments. Start with reconcilliation…penance to follow…The Eucharist is another. Call your priest, whose role it is to facilitate and guide you through this confession.Iknow satan will fill your mind with a million reasons not to pick up that phone, but who you follow will be determined by your actions. You remain in my prayers!
Peace be with you!

Thank you, Scottishtee. I know everything you say is true. Many times I have made a deep commitment within myself to not participate in all of this darkness. I try to pray, read, exercise, participate in the sacraments, counseling–and yet the same old demons keep coming out and that is why I’m at the point of feeling almost hopeless. I feel that even if by some miracle I get my own problems under control I don’t know if my husband ever will. He makes progress here and there but overall he seems unwilling to take a long hard look at things and get the help he needs.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It’s my only hope right now.

 

[Iris30]

Only you can answer that question. Retrouvaille might be able to help, assuming your husband is willing to attend and try it.

His breaking your dresser with his fist concerns me, though, as well as your description of his being controlling. When anger becomes demonstrated physically, it’s really time to take a very long, hard look at what is going on, and putting a stop to it. Breaking objects is early in the cycle of violence. Violence tends to escalate in frequency and intensity. Don’t permit it to escalate, even if that means you have to separate for awhile.

It worries me too, Odile. I sometimes wonder if it’s going to escalate to something worse. I just don’t know. It always happens when I’ve been “pushing” him and I won’t stop yelling at him because I can’t get through to him and I feel like I"m losing my mind. That’s when he punches something to scare me so that I will be quiet. Later when he’s calmed down he feels bad about it, but I think it’s going to keep happening until he gets to the root of the problem (which right now he’s making no effort at).

I will look into Retrouvaille. I’ve heard of that before, but I don’t know much about it.

 

[abominableangel]

Hi Iris

My love and prayers go out to you and your husband.
I know where you are coming from as I’ve been there myself, you see, I can be a very dominant character, I would yell and scream and stamp my foot if i couldnt get my own way (I still do it on occassion but thank the Lord it doesnt happen that much any more)

My husband is stubborn, very stubborn (his own admission) and sex isnt on the list of priorities either with him. I need a lot of physical affection (not just sex) to feel loved and wanted and when he would refuse me I’d feel totally rejected.
we would butt heads like rams and the poison we felt inside was awful, painful but
i refused to give up, I wasn’t ever going to quit wether it took all my blood sweat and tears.

there is hope for you and your marriage, always have hope cling to it as tightly as you can if you hear a voice in your head say “oh just give up” scream back “NEVER” the voice backs down then, utter determination is whats called for here,

what does your husband say when he rejects you over sex? what are his reasons?
have you discovered what his “love language” is (sounds corny i know) but very important, because the chances are your husband is feeling as rejected and hurt as you do, its vital that you can speak to his heart to serve him well, and the same goes for him.

these tips worked for me so im confidant they’ll work for you too, they’re simple to do and the affect is amazing.

Tip1# I learnt that my attitude effects the way I handle things and that I couldnt always have my own way all the time (very difficult for me) so I found out the best way I could to show love to my husband the way HE wanted to be loved (step in love language)… I was loving him the way I expereince love (touching, kissing, sex) he enjoys all those things but that isnt how he feels cherished … ironically, for me to show love to my husband was to do the house work and create a loving warm and comforting home with dinner on the table… when he was stress free the house clean and food in his belly he felt all lovey and squishy … yay me I get loved the way I want. find out yours and your husbands love language here i took it and it was bang on the money with me 5lovelanguages.com/widget/

Tip 2# when it came to discussing things i would ask his opinion and really listen then say to him “thank you i’ll think about what you suggested and make my decision” you dont have to take his option as “you must do this” but always show appreciation for him taking the time to consider your problems.
Always run things by your husband first no matter what it is, yes there are going to be a lot of mundane things being given to your husband to concider but he needs to know that you value his leadership, that he gets the final say and that you respect his authority.

you say it feels like a power play, it sounds like your husband is trying to be the leader of you and that you’re rejecting his attempts, I know in our modern world the thought of a wife being submissive to her husband is scoffed at nay even scorned, but it removes all kinds of marital issues, let your husband be the leader, give yourself permission to obey him you are gaining not loosing, He loves you, he isnt going to lead you off a cliff and he isnt going to do loads of stuff without telling you about it first, because he loves you… you’re his number 1 fan and he wont risk loosing you.

Tip 3# show you need him, people need to feel needed and wanted … no one wants to feel like the 5th wheel identify key areas in your life where you truly neeeeeeeed him … this could be from emotional support through to getting something off a high shelf (especially in my case i’m 5ft4 hubby is 6ft8… very handy i must say lol)
I always want to make sure that my husband knows just how deeply i appreciate him. if i fail to do that it shows and I feel so sad that I’ve hurt him.

Tip 4# If he buys you a gift NEVER ASK FOR THE PRICE just go “oh wow darling thats amazing” nothing kills a loving gift quicker than “how much?”

Tip 5# if he loves you wearing a certain perfume, dress, hair style then give it to him, he wants to see you in it. if you are wearing that lovely summer dress he adores on you, your hair is all done the way he likes it and you a wearing that delightful perfume (even if you hate it) hes going to be glued to you like a puppy.

Tip 6 # Listen to him but DONT offer advice unless asked for it… if in doubt always ask " are you asking my advice?" if he says no then just listen closly and “parrot” back to him what it is you hear, he’ll hear key words that show you’re listenting for example

Husband: I’ve had a really BAD DAY at WORK today
wife: oh you had a BAD DAY at WORK
Husband: yeah that PROJECT i was telling you about didn’t get finished
Wife: oh darling I know you worked so hard on that PROJECT

I’ve used this active listening on my husband and he feels that he can come to me with anything which is exactly how I like it.

As for when is best for you to have a baby.that is really your discretion however if you want my personal opinion I’d say hold off until things become more consistant between you two, really work hard on getting that foundation set before bringing a beautiful child into the world, yes children are a blessing from the Lord but when you are stressed and they’re crying at 3am its a whole bunch of stress you just don’t need… If this were me, I’d wait until me and hubby were tag teaming well enough to handle the strain of a baby.

do not dispare, stay strong and I hope that this advice was helpful to you…

God Bless You

Abominableangel
aka Danni x

 

[Iris30]

Call your local battered women’s shelter and explain the situation. Breaking a dresser? That’s bad. And apparently this wasn’t the first thing.

Also talk to your priest and to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. Keep a journal of all that has transpired over the last two years. Write down the dates of each incident.

It is not normal for a 30 yr. old not to be interested in sex. Does he drink or do drugs?

Please don’t bring a baby into this situation. Drop the subject. You are on a roller coaster. Don’t think his highs will be the norm then find yourself pregnant only to discover he’s back to his old habits of abuse and you are now pregnant.

Battered women’s shelter? Do you think they will consider breaking a dresser to be abuse? I am really asking because I never knew whether or not to think of it that way. My brothers used to punch holes in things all the time when they were mad, so I was starting to wonder if it’s just “normal” male behavior when you make them really angry.

I don’t think I’m ready to talk to a lawyer. It’s a good suggestion to talk to a priest. I will try to work up my nerve to do that.

No, he doesn’t drink or do drugs. I can’t figure out why his sex drive is so low. He doesn’t look at porn or anything like that either. itt seems more of a control issue where he’s sending a message that he’s in charge of dispensing or withholding affection depending on his mood or my actions.

 

[abominableangel]

it is a false hood to believe the stereotype that men are always up for sex … my husband isnt, however there could be health issues at stake here, he might have a low iron count leading to tiredness etc etc maybe a check up from the doctor is called for here

as for the punching of things thats a symptom of something greater, hes under stress and hes releasing it on furniture, it can escilate to abuse if left unchecked but you still have all your options open to you right now so dont go rushing in with battered women shelters etc just yet… i think you need to calm the home life situation first before you can begin to tackle that problem … but it must be sorted that is certain.

he needs to find an better avenue for his anger find a way of calming himself down before he reaches that point of no return and the bathroom mirror gets it

 

[Iris30]

Hi Iris

My love and prayers go out to you and your husband.
I know where you are coming from as I’ve been there myself, you see, I can be a very dominant character, I would yell and scream and stamp my foot if i couldnt get my own way (I still do it on occassion but thank the Lord it doesnt happen that much any more)

My husband is stubborn, very stubborn (his own admission) and sex isnt on the list of priorities either with him. I need a lot of physical affection (not just sex) to feel loved and wanted and when he would refuse me I’d feel totally rejected.
we would butt heads like rams and the poison we felt inside was awful, painful but
i refused to give up, I wasn’t ever going to quit wether it took all my blood sweat and tears.

there is hope for you and your marriage, always have hope cling to it as tightly as you can if you hear a voice in your head say “oh just give up” scream back “NEVER” the voice backs down then, utter determination is whats called for here,

what does your husband say when he rejects you over sex? what are his reasons?
have you discovered what his “love language” is (sounds corny i know) but very important, because the chances are your husband is feeling as rejected and hurt as you do, its vital that you can speak to his heart to serve him well, and the same goes for him.

these tips worked for me so im confidant they’ll work for you too, they’re simple to do and the affect is amazing.

Tip1# I learnt that my attitude effects the way I handle things and that I couldnt always have my own way all the time (very difficult for me) so I found out the best way I could to show love to my husband the way HE wanted to be loved (step in love language)… I was loving him the way I expereince love (touching, kissing, sex) he enjoys all those things but that isnt how he feels cherished … ironically, for me to show love to my husband was to do the house work and create a loving warm and comforting home with dinner on the table… when he was stress free the house clean and food in his belly he felt all lovey and squishy … yay me I get loved the way I want. find out yours and your husbands love language here i took it and it was bang on the money with me 5lovelanguages.com/widget/

Tip 2# when it came to discussing things i would ask his opinion and really listen then say to him “thank you i’ll think about what you suggested and make my decision” you dont have to take his option as “you must do this” but always show appreciation for him taking the time to consider your problems.
Always run things by your husband first no matter what it is, yes there are going to be a lot of mundane things being given to your husband to concider but he needs to know that you value his leadership, that he gets the final say and that you respect his authority.

you say it feels like a power play, it sounds like your husband is trying to be the leader of you and that you’re rejecting his attempts, I know in our modern world the thought of a wife being submissive to her husband is scoffed at nay even scorned, but it removes all kinds of marital issues, let your husband be the leader, give yourself permission to obey him you are gaining not loosing, He loves you, he isnt going to lead you off a cliff and he isnt going to do loads of stuff without telling you about it first, because he loves you… you’re his number 1 fan and he wont risk loosing you.

Tip 3# show you need him, people need to feel needed and wanted … no one wants to feel like the 5th wheel identify key areas in your life where you truly neeeeeeeed him … this could be from emotional support through to getting something off a high shelf (especially in my case i’m 5ft4 hubby is 6ft8… very handy i must say lol)
I always want to make sure that my husband knows just how deeply i appreciate him. if i fail to do that it shows and I feel so sad that I’ve hurt him.

Tip 4# If he buys you a gift NEVER ASK FOR THE PRICE just go “oh wow darling thats amazing” nothing kills a loving gift quicker than “how much?”

Tip 5# if he loves you wearing a certain perfume, dress, hair style then give it to him, he wants to see you in it. if you are wearing that lovely summer dress he adores on you, your hair is all done the way he likes it and you a wearing that delightful perfume (even if you hate it) hes going to be glued to you like a puppy.

Tip 6 # Listen to him but DONT offer advice unless asked for it… if in doubt always ask " are you asking my advice?" if he says no then just listen closly and “parrot” back to him what it is you hear, he’ll hear key words that show you’re listenting for example

Husband: I’ve had a really BAD DAY at WORK today
wife: oh you had a BAD DAY at WORK
Husband: yeah that PROJECT i was telling you about didn’t get finished
Wife: oh darling I know you worked so hard on that PROJECT

I’ve used this active listening on my husband and he feels that he can come to me with anything which is exactly how I like it.

As for when is best for you to have a baby.that is really your discretion however if you want my personal opinion I’d say hold off until things become more consistant between you two, really work hard on getting that foundation set before bringing a beautiful child into the world, yes children are a blessing from the Lord but when you are stressed and they’re crying at 3am its a whole bunch of stress you just don’t need… If this were me, I’d wait until me and hubby were tag teaming well enough to handle the strain of a baby.

do not dispare, stay strong and I hope that this advice was helpful to you…

God Bless You

Abominableangel
aka Danni x

Thank you for all of this. Good to know someone else has been through something similar and your marriage still survived. I think you have some solid advice here–I’ll try to respond to each point but might miss something.

When he rejects me for sex he says it’s because he’s tired, full, sick, etc. But I can clearly see that the “reason” he’s giving me isn’t the real reason, but he will never ever admit it. As soon as I start to initiate is when he suddenly has an unexplainable headache, etc. The odd thing is that he’s very physically affectionate in all the other ways like kissing, hugging and all that. But with sex it seems he only “needs” it every couple of weeks and other than that doesn’t feel like it.

I have been working very hard to learn his love language and to be a good listener and friend to him. And in those moments, it’s wonderful and we feel really connected. But it still doesn’t seem to stave off the build up to the next blowup.

The problem with letting my husband lead in the sense that he makes the decisions is the way he chooses to lead is by nitpicking. He has a comment about how to improve my cooking, my exercising, my driving. He thinks he has a better way for EVERYTHING. it’s spirit-crushing to have your own husband talk to you like a three year old who can’t tie her own shoes. It feels like a total disrespect to my intellect. He has gotten slightly better on this issue after we talked over it several times. His controlling tendencies are still a problem though.

As for the scenario of him buying things, it’s flipped. I am always extremely grateful when he gives me a gift. But when I give him a gift…ugh. This year I surprised him with an international trip and all he could do was talk about ways to improve it and how I could have gotten a better price on the plane tickets.

Thank you for all your advice. I will just keep trying even though I feel like giving up. I hope my husband won’t give up. Sometimes I think he will.

 

[maltmom]

It worries me too, Odile. I sometimes wonder if it’s going to escalate to something worse. I just don’t know. It always happens when I’ve been “pushing” him and I won’t stop yelling at him because I can’t get through to him and I feel like I"m losing my mind. That’s when he punches something to scare me so that I will be quiet. Later when he’s calmed down he feels bad about it, but I think it’s going to keep happening until he gets to the root of the problem (which right now he’s making no effort at).

Please stop blaming yourself. Nothing you say should escalate him to violence. People in abusive relationships tend to blame themselves.

Battered women’s shelter? Do you think they will consider breaking a dresser to be abuse? I am really asking because I never knew whether or not to think of it that way. My brothers used to punch holes in things all the time when they were mad, so I was starting to wonder if it’s just “normal” male behavior when you make them really angry.

I don’t think I’m ready to talk to a lawyer. It’s a good suggestion to talk to a priest. I will try to work up my nerve to do that.

No, he doesn’t drink or do drugs. I can’t figure out why his sex drive is so low. He doesn’t look at porn or anything like that either. itt seems more of a control issue where he’s sending a message that he’s in charge of dispensing or withholding affection depending on his mood or my actions.

They would see it as a symptom that could escalate. If nothing else you will have made contacts should you need them.

His lack of sex drive could be caused by a number of things. One may be a low testosterone level. A low TL can also result in aggressive behavior. If he wasn’t like this in the past he needs to have it checked. He really needs to see an MD and have a full physical and a pysch evaluation. He may be bi-polar. Has he seen an MD?

I will be praying for both of you and your marriage.

 

[PaulinVA]

I think you guys need professional help, but talking to each certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Neither of you should feel that you are in charge in the marriage, but neither of you should feel powerless. Marriage is cooperation and wanting what is best for the other person.

You can not make someone want to have sex with you. You just can’t. Once you’ve ruled out pornography, move on to medical reasons. If that isn’t it, then that’s just the way it is. You can’t change it. You need to initiate less often. It’s hard to do that, but in some ways that is what love requires. It’s also thankless - you can’t come out and say, “I’m interested in sex tonight, but since you have a lower sex drive I’m respecting you by not starting anything.”

Maybe it’s just you guys need to come to an understanding that you love each other, and you want to become “us” instead of two people fighting for power?

 

[Iris30]

Please stop blaming yourself. Nothing you say should escalate him to violence. People in abusive relationships tend to blame themselves.

They would see it as a symptom that could escalate. If nothing else you will have made contacts should you need them.

His lack of sex drive could be caused by a number of things. One may be a low testosterone level. A low TL can also result in aggressive behavior. If he wasn’t like this in the past he needs to have it checked. He really needs to see an MD and have a full physical and a pysch evaluation. He may be bi-polar. Has he seen an MD?

I will be praying for both of you and your marriage.

I’m not trying to blame myself, just take responsibility for my part. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have a history of pushing people to their limits. I agree with you it’s not ever acceptable for someone to use violence though.

I’ve begged him many times to go to a medical doctor and a therapist to find out what’s going on. He always says that he will but then he never follows through. I don’t want to call and make the appointments for him, so I’m at a loss.

 

[Iris30]

I think you guys need professional help, but talking to each certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Neither of you should feel that you are in charge in the marriage, but neither of you should feel powerless. Marriage is cooperation and wanting what is best for the other person.

You can not make someone want to have sex with you. You just can’t. Once you’ve ruled out pornography, move on to medical reasons. If that isn’t it, then that’s just the way it is. You can’t change it. You need to initiate less often. It’s hard to do that, but in some ways that is what love requires. It’s also thankless - you can’t come out and say, “I’m interested in sex tonight, but since you have a lower sex drive I’m respecting you by not starting anything.”

Maybe it’s just you guys need to come to an understanding that you love each other, and you want to become “us” instead of two people fighting for power?

Yeah, I have talked to my husband a few times about the power struggle dynamic that we have going on and we have made some efforts to break it. I think he is still in denial about just how unhealthy it is though.

I know I can’t make someone want sex with me. That’s why it hurts so bad. I can’t believe my own husband is barely interested in me in that way. And I can’t believe he doesn’t understand that it’s about intimacy and connection, not just a physical act. We’ve talked it over and over and over but nothing changes. The more I try to talk to him about it, the more he’s going to resist. Because, once again, he thinks it’s about power. When for me it’s just about wanting to feel wanted–which I don’t.

I don’t know how you would definite initiating less often. The problem doesn’t seem connected to how often or not I try. We could go a whole month without it and he still wouldn’t necessarily respond positively to me trying to start something.

 

[abominableangel]

with regard to your husbands nit picking id come up with an agreement, if he cant help it he must just think those things not actually say them, ask him to think to himself everytime he feels the need to nit pick …

would my wife appreciate this? answer no
will this enhance our marriage? answer no
would this upset my wife greatly answer yes

he needs to run a dialogue in his head before he speaks as he is causing you great distress, he needs to understand this the more he pushes your buttons the madder you are going to get at him, it is a self defeating exercise, it serves him no good.
if he does say them to you … DONT get mad no matter how hurt you feel. but calmly say to him “that hurt me” and leave it at that… if you really are upset like close to tears upset, walk away dont engage him, dont say anything just walk away go out side take a breath, pray … eventually though not over night he will realise that his behaviour is unacceptable.

having read the reasons hes states for not wanting sex… i think it has nothing to do with low sex drive and everything to do with low self esteme… if what you say is correct, hes desperately trying to get out of it, but hes loving the rest of the time… hes attracted to you that is obvious but i suspect hes feeling he cant live up to what he perceves as your expectations. Hes blocking himself through fear, hes controlling through fear and its spilling over into anger.

he needs to know that you are a safe haven and that he can be totally open and exposed with you, which currently i dont think he can… hes a bottle and hes about to pop his cork …
i would suggest working on his self esteme … those who are confident dont need to be overly controlling as they are at peace. He needs to build himself up see himself in a new light to be able to relinquish the grip hold he has, he sounds very insecure and trying to control his surroundings. He knows hes hurting you but at the present moment in time, he cant help himself… speak to a counsellor about techniques to improve self worth.

In the mean time, build up his self esteme, praise him, compliment him often (listen to his responses they will be telling) if he is nit picking say the " that hurt me" line take it on the chin if you can.

what you can do if you can is prepare for sex in advance … now I know many will go “oh but thats no fun”… oh yes it is sex begins in the mind always has always will… prepare

make the bedroom in to a candle lit oasis with lovely sents read song of soloman
you have to stimulate his mind, his senses, woo him, entice him get his mind to the point where its gonna blow… dont be fearful of rejection he will love the effort you have made.

even if ultimately you dont make love be there touch him love him let him feel safe… men act all tough but they are just as scared as the rest of us.

 

[aicirt]

Battered women’s shelter? Do you think they will consider breaking a dresser to be abuse? I am really asking because I never knew whether or not to think of it that way. My brothers used to punch holes in things all the time when they were mad, so I was starting to wonder if it’s just “normal” male behavior when you make them really angry.

I don’t think I’m ready to talk to a lawyer. It’s a good suggestion to talk to a priest. I will try to work up my nerve to do that.

No, he doesn’t drink or do drugs. I can’t figure out why his sex drive is so low. He doesn’t look at porn or anything like that either. itt seems more of a control issue where he’s sending a message that he’s in charge of dispensing or withholding affection depending on his mood or my actions.

Yes, it is abuse. You don’t have to have bruises to be battered. There’s physical, emotional, financial, sexual,verbal, and psychological abuse. Destroying the dresser is psychological because he is showing you what he is capable of and the next time it might be you. I’m sure you got that message. Witholding affection is emotional and psychological abuse.

You come from a home where the men did the same as he. People, male and female, tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar to them. Consequently, you see it as normal when it isn’t. You don’t know normal.

Because you don’t know is the reason I suggested you talk to a counselor at battered women.

Here’s what a healthy woman does: watches her possessions get destroyed, gets the message, thinks enough of herself and gets out of there. Unhealthy stays thinking she’s special enough to fix it. And your answer from him was…“I don’t need to go to counseling.” Why should he? You’re the prize and you’re still there. He’s won.

 

[Iris30]

with regard to your husbands nit picking id come up with an agreement, if he cant help it he must just think those things not actually say them, ask him to think to himself everytime he feels the need to nit pick …

would my wife appreciate this? answer no
will this enhance our marriage? answer no
would this upset my wife greatly answer yes

he needs to run a dialogue in his head before he speaks as he is causing you great distress, he needs to understand this the more he pushes your buttons the madder you are going to get at him, it is a self defeating exercise, it serves him no good.
if he does say them to you … DONT get mad no matter how hurt you feel. but calmly say to him “that hurt me” and leave it at that… if you really are upset like close to tears upset, walk away dont engage him, dont say anything just walk away go out side take a breath, pray … eventually though not over night he will realise that his behaviour is unacceptable.

having read the reasons hes states for not wanting sex… i think it has nothing to do with low sex drive and everything to do with low self esteme… if what you say is correct, hes desperately trying to get out of it, but hes loving the rest of the time… hes attracted to you that is obvious but i suspect hes feeling he cant live up to what he perceves as your expectations. Hes blocking himself through fear, hes controlling through fear and its spilling over into anger.

he needs to know that you are a safe haven and that he can be totally open and exposed with you, which currently i dont think he can… hes a bottle and hes about to pop his cork …
i would suggest working on his self esteme … those who are confident dont need to be overly controlling as they are at peace. He needs to build himself up see himself in a new light to be able to relinquish the grip hold he has, he sounds very insecure and trying to control his surroundings. He knows hes hurting you but at the present moment in time, he cant help himself… speak to a counsellor about techniques to improve self worth.

In the mean time, build up his self esteme, praise him, compliment him often (listen to his responses they will be telling) if he is nit picking say the " that hurt me" line take it on the chin if you can.

what you can do if you can is prepare for sex in advance … now I know many will go “oh but thats no fun”… oh yes it is sex begins in the mind always has always will… prepare

make the bedroom in to a candle lit oasis with lovely sents read song of soloman
you have to stimulate his mind, his senses, woo him, entice him get his mind to the point where its gonna blow… dont be fearful of rejection he will love the effort you have made.

even if ultimately you dont make love be there touch him love him let him feel safe… men act all tough but they are just as scared as the rest of us.

Everything you are saying makes sense, and I have thought of and tried all of these things before to some extent. The problem is that it requires me to be perfect. It takes so much patience and suffering that I only keep it up about half the time. I already have my own self-esteem and depression issues and the thought of dealing with myself and trying to heal him at the same time is totally and completely overwhelming. I’m not trying to whine, and I’m not saying I’m going to stop trying. I just feel like I’m losing steam.

I’m looking for a counselor online again now. I feel like I’ll have to be in individual counseling for the rest of my life just to help me cope with this marriage.

 

[abominableangel]

Deep breath Iris you dont need to take on the whole world tackle this situation a piece at a time.

what I want you to do now is go make yourself a cup of tea or what ever you would like.
take your bible, go outside if the weather is nice and sit… just sit and call out to God he knows whats going on, calm yourself be still and know that he is God and that you have the strength to handle this Gods promise to us is that he’ll never give us more than we can bare.

now when you are ready pick one of the things we have discussed here today in the logical order you believe they fall and work on that one thing for 28 to 40 days share this plan with your husband he can pick a task to work on at the same time.

after that time pick another task but keep up the first, you see we form habits after a 28 day period so keeping up the first will be easy just like getting dressed in the morning… work on this together, pray through this together, you have the strength I have faith in you