Is there something wrong with me?

  • Thread starter Thread starter lovedance4ever
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

lovedance4ever

Guest
I have a very strange situation that I am currently trying to deal with and understand. For about ten years now (well, for as long as I can remember), I have had an extreme aversion to being touched; this includes ANY form of physical contact. For instance, I hate being hugged, and I also dislike any sort of friendly squeeze on the arm.

I’ve lost the ability to be affectionate with others, including my own family. My mother has even commented on this being a bit abnormal. If I initiate the hug or whatever, it’s not so bad. But when someone attempts to hug me, in a strange sort of way, I feel fear.

This has especially become a problem lately, because I went out with a guy in the past, and distanced myself from it all, because he kissed me once and I didn’t want it to happen again. I feel so embarrassed about this. 🤷

The more I write about this, the more I realize how strange it really is. And it really hurts to think I am this way.

When I was 10, I was molested by a neighborhood boy. His sister also tormented me and one of my friends for several years. Even now, they give me a bit of trouble and I am almost 20. So as you can see, this has been an ongoing thing. At any rate, my mother said that what happened with that guy could be the reason I am like this now. This has truly gotten worse over the past year or so. Perhaps it is a trust issue, as I have not had the greatest experience with friends in the past.

But if any of you have advice you could give to me, I would very much appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. Please pray for me.

God bless
 
There could be two different things going on.
  1. There’s the molestation thing. It’s not too late to go into counseling for that. I know that cognitive behavioral therapy has a lot of fans. It’s not navel-gazing stuff–it’s more results oriented.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
  1. Beyond that, I’ve always thought that your online voice sounded like you might be on the autism spectrum. That would explain a number of things about you–your social difficulties and your issues with touch. Unusual sensory experiences are very common for people on the autism spectrum. If you can, I would suggest getting a psychological evaluation to see if you are or aren’t autistic and then take it from there.
There’s a very fine and inspiring HBO movie on the life of Temple Grandin, an autistic woman that I think you might appreciate. Her memoir “Emergence” may also be very helpful.

Best wishes!
 
You need to talk to professional counselors about this, not strangers on the internet. Don’t wait.
 
I don’t like being touched either, and I don’t think I’ve ever been molested. If it is causing a lot of worry, counseling might help. As another poster mentioned, it can be typical for those on the autistic spectrum (I have a cousin with Aspergers) but that doesn’t mean you have it.
 
Frankly, I’m with you. I don’t like being touched by other people, except by my husband. I don’t like hugs, even from family members. I’m okay with hugs from my parents and grandparents, but I cringe a little when my inlaws start in with the hugging. I’m really not comfortable hugging my own siblings. I used to hate when my choir director wanted us all to massage one another’s back. I’m okay with handshakes though. I’ve never been molested and I don’t believe I have Aspergers. I think it may just be me. I don’t think it’s a problem in my daily life. If someone wants to hug me I just have to smile and suck it up. However, if it was affecting my ability to be intimate with my husband, I think I would try to find help with a proffessional. I guess my answer is, if it really bothers you, then speak to someone about it. (especially with the history of molestation) If it isn’t causing a problem, and you are just worried that you’re “not normal”, then you needed feel obligated to change. It’s okay to not like hugs.
 
Maybe I would get professional help. There’s nothing wrong with liking your space but not wanting to be touched at all is a red flag. Humans are social creature and need a certain about of touching. I don’t like hugging people I don’t know but have nothing against shaking their hand. I also don’t like couple dancing with guys I don’t know but if I know the person I don’t mind. It’s all relative but an aversion to any contact maybe a sign of something serious.
 
I think it’s basic self-preservation to be at least a little careful about who we allow to touch us. Other people don’t have the right to handle us without our permission. So, you don’t have to feel bad about not letting people touch you. That’s your right.

On the other hand, you should find out how much of this aversion is part of your particular make-up and how much comes from trauma or untreated psychological issues and figure out what your goals are for social physical contact. A therapist could help you work on that. The only pressing issue here is that you obviously want to develop a normal romantic relationship, and for that to be a success, you are going to have to enlarge your comfort zone with touch. I would add caveat here that 1) there’s the issue of personal safety and 2) the issue of morally appropriate limits. I think you’re going to need some third-party counsel to make sure that things are developing appropriately.

This might be worth a look:

wrongplanet.net/article443.html

It’s an article about the book “Asperger Love.” I haven’t read the book, but the cover art is very clever–it’s two goldfish in two separate bowls, looking at each other.

I see Wrong Planet has an entire forum devoted to Aspie love issues:

wrongplanet.net/forum6.html
 
It can be more or less normal for an introvert. Most of us cringe a bit at even the sign of peace at Mass! But I would also seek therapy, as the others also recommended, especially given your history.

I will tell you, as an example, that when I first married, I really hated kissing my husband. I just really didn’t like getting that close to someone else’s face, even his! He respected that. Now (we are approaching our 5th anniv.), I actually like it, and even tend to be the one that initiates it! So don’t give up hope that things can change for you should you enter a relationship. Be patient with yourself.
 
After reading the first paragraph, the first thing that came to my mind was “child abuse.” Then I see this happened to you as a child.

While some her might be able to offer sound advice, ultimately it will not solve your problem. You need professional counseling, and I strongly suggest you seek it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top