Is there such thing as "failed love"?

[alitaptap]

I’d been wondering whether there is a meaning to a failed love… Is something that disappeared the same as something that never existed? But now I now there is—There was a meaning right here… Because despite the heartbreak, i’m still glad that i fell in love with someone.

 

[Sair]

I’d been wondering whether there is a meaning to a failed love… Is something that disappeared the same as something that never existed? But now I now there is—There was a meaning right here… Because despite the heartbreak, i’m still glad that i fell in love with someone.

Depends upon whom you ask - it appears that those who take supernaturalist beliefs seriously, consider that anything that doesn’t last forever has no meaning or significance.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’d been wondering whether there is a meaning to a failed love… Is something that disappeared the same as something that never existed? But now I now there is—There was a meaning right here… Because despite the heartbreak, i’m still glad that i fell in love with someone.

I think there is always meaning to any relationship we have. Sometimes, we learn something about ourselves, sometimes we learn something about people in general, and often we learn something about another person specifically. Most of the time, I think that no encounter with another person is random. There is always meaning, if even in the smallest way. We can grow and learn about our wants, our desires, and what we are willing to sacrifice of ourselves to be in a relationship.

So yes, there is meaning to failed relationships, once you are able to get past the heartbreak. I wish you well.

 

[Luvtosew]

What is that saying,

better to have loved and lost as to never of loved at all,

something like that.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Love isn’t an emotion, it’s a decision. So failed love would occur when one decides not to love someone, or not to make an effort to love.

My mother had told me that when she was about to get married to my dad that someone asked my dad if he liked my mom. Dad said, “What do you mean, like? I love her!” The person then said that you had to like someone because somedays you weren’t going to love that person. That was when you had to make the decision, because you like them, to sacrafice and love them. This must happen even when you don’t feel like it. That’s sacrifice and that’s true love.

Different in each case - if your talking about a dating/courtship relationship, then this would be different than a marriage relationship, of course. With a commitment before God, marriage would require working through failed love to renew the sacrificial love that they promised to in vows.

Just some thoughts.

 

[Irishmom2]

Love isn’t an emotion, it’s a decision.

Agreed.

But if one party decides to love and the other doesn’t, that doesn’t mean the one that decided to love and still wants to love, is any less hurt or that their love was any less real for them.

 

[Godfollower]

Love is a choice. The beauty of God’s love is that He always chooses us, even when we don’t choose Him. We love our children by continuing to choose them, over and over. When we love our friends and family, we choose them, often over ourselves.

With romantic love, I choose her over anyone else; the butterflies in my stomach come from the fact that she apparently chooses me. Marriage, a very special form of romantic love, is a permanent choice of each other.

Failed romantic love is one person’s decision not to choose the other anymore. It hurts. But having chosen another person, however briefly, is itself an independent good. You are a better person for having loved, even if your love is now no longer reciprocated.

You are hurting now, and I am sorry for that. But you will get better over time. And, having been hurt many times, I agree that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

God and peace be with you.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Love is a choice. The beauty of God’s love is that He always chooses us, even when we don’t choose Him. We love our children by continuing to choose them, over and over. When we love our friends and family, we choose them, often over ourselves.

With romantic love, I choose her over anyone else; the butterflies in my stomach come from the fact that she apparently chooses me. Marriage, a very special form of romantic love, is a permanent choice of each other.

Failed romantic love is one person’s decision not to choose the other anymore. It hurts. But having chosen another person, however briefly, is itself an independent good. You are a better person for having loved, even if your love is now no longer reciprocated.

You are hurting now, and I am sorry for that. But you will get better over time. And, having been hurt many times, I agree that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

God and peace be with you.

 

[Elisabeth51]

I’d been wondering whether there is a meaning to a failed love… Is something that disappeared the same as something that never existed? But now I now there is—There was a meaning right here… Because despite the heartbreak, i’m still glad that i fell in love with someone.

No. Real, true, unconditional love does not die. It exists whether the love is returned or not. God still loves us even if we reject Him, as my priest says, He loves us so much He will let us go to Hell if that’s what we want. I’ve heard people say I Corinthians 13 is only the love of God for man, but I think that’s wrong, we are capable of unconditional, self-sacrificing love, it’s the love we are supposed to have for each other. Some people aren’t capable of it, some people have been so abused they run screaming from the room if someone tries to love them unconditionally because they think it’s a trap…and some accept it because they know it’s rare and wonderful. Unconditional love does not have to be returned, it’s really hard if it isn’t, but just because you offer doesn’t mean it will be accepted. You can still love the person, love them enough to let them go…and I really hate saying that because I’ve never liked that saying, but it is true.

 

[Elisabeth51]

Agreed.

But if one party decides to love and the other doesn’t, that doesn’t mean the one that decided to love and still wants to love, is any less hurt or that their love was any less real for them.

I have a hard time with the love not an emotion thing…I know what is being said and intellectually understand, but there is a feeling. I love unconditionally, but the feeling I have for my friends is different from the feeling I have for my siblings or my parents. I think it’s a bad idea to separate the feelings, that’s how you get super devout, letter of the law Catholics who think they’re supposed to be all intellect and will and have no feelings and oh, sex is just a biological act, no feelings needed—that kind of person is rare, but I’ve managed to meet several since moving here…maybe they just live here in California Anyway, I don’t mean to get off topic, but seriously, we have emotions and while we shouldn’t be ruled by them, we do have them and if we have no feelings towards someone we are helping, what good is that? I love you so I’m doing good, but my heart is a lump of hardened stone??? I just don’t think that’s ok.

I do agree it doesn’t hurt less if love is not returned, but with unconditional love, it doesn’t have to be…annoying as that can be.

 

[Lochias]

What is that saying,

better to have loved and lost as to never of loved at all,

something like that.

Only partially agree. I am glad that things happened as they did, because God used those events to bring me back to the Church in full. But that is the only reason that I am glad things happened as they did.

If it hadn’t brought me back to the Church, I would say that I wished I had never loved at all.

 

[Sair]

Love isn’t an emotion, it’s a decision. So failed love would occur when one decides not to love someone, or not to make an effort to love.

My mother had told me that when she was about to get married to my dad that someone asked my dad if he liked my mom. Dad said, “What do you mean, like? I love her!” The person then said that you had to like someone because somedays you weren’t going to love that person. That was when you had to make the decision, because you like them, to sacrafice and love them. This must happen even when you don’t feel like it. That’s sacrifice and that’s true love.

Different in each case - if your talking about a dating/courtship relationship, then this would be different than a marriage relationship, of course. With a commitment before God, marriage would require working through failed love to renew the sacrificial love that they promised to in vows.

Just some thoughts.

One of the wisest things my dad ever said to me was that of those marriages that fail, most of them fail not through lack of romantic or erotic love, but through lack of friendship - you have to be friends with your spouse, with everything that entails. Friends trust each other, listen to each other, are interested in each other’s concerns, stick by one another in troubled times - these are the ingredients for any successful relationship, marriage included.

I disagree that love is a conscious choice or decision - love is a deep-seated emotional response. The choice is in the commitment you make to another person, the investment you make in their happiness, the acceptance of that person with all their flaws (because goodness knows, we all have plenty of our own). Love is what sweetens the deal.

 

[Luvtosew]

Sair I agree with your Dad.

Love all the responses, and looking back, I think everyone (excluding family) that we have loved and has had it not reciprocated as we had hoped for will always take up a tiny place in our heart. We can’t just quit loving someone because they don’t love us back, although many people do seek revenge.( If I can’t have you, nobody will, types)

I also agree with a previous post, If you love someone set them free, because we want that person to be happy, and like with spouses or chldren we have to remember we don’t own them, we can’t cling to them like they are our property. Love needs to be freely given, without expectations. (Oh mean grown children),

There are many people out there that are unable to love, afraid of being hurt again, and that is sad, and its spreading in our society, people using people.

 

[Elisabeth51]

One of the wisest things my dad ever said to me was that of those marriages that fail, most of them fail not through lack of romantic or erotic love, but through lack of friendship - you have to be friends with your spouse, with everything that entails. Friends trust each other, listen to each other, are interested in each other’s concerns, stick by one another in troubled times - these are the ingredients for any successful relationship, marriage included.

I disagree that love is a conscious choice or decision - love is a deep-seated emotional response. The choice is in the commitment you make to another person, the investment you make in their happiness, the acceptance of that person with all their flaws (because goodness knows, we all have plenty of our own). Love is what sweetens the deal.

Agree completely!!! That’s a beautiful way to state it!

 

[Elisabeth51]

Sair I agree with your Dad.

Love all the responses, and looking back, I think everyone (excluding family) that we have loved and has had it not reciprocated as we had hoped for will always take up a tiny place in our heart. We can’t just quit loving someone because they don’t love us back, although many people do seek revenge.( If I can’t have you, nobody will, types)

I also agree with a previous post, If you love someone set them free, because we want that person to be happy, and like with spouses or chldren we have to remember we don’t own them, we can’t cling to them like they are our property. Love needs to be freely given, without expectations. (Oh mean grown children),

There are many people out there that are unable to love, afraid of being hurt again, and that is sad, and its spreading in our society, people using people.

I agree. And at my age, finding a spouse is hard because of several things–not the least of which is what you’ve said at the end—fear people have of being hurt and the habit of people using others to the extent that there are people out there that if you genuinely care about them and want to be there for them, they think you’re after something, they can’t understand unconditional love and friendship at the most basic.

 

[Sair]

I agree. And at my age, finding a spouse is hard because of several things–not the least of which is what you’ve said at the end—fear people have of being hurt and the habit of people using others to the extent that there are people out there that if you genuinely care about them and want to be there for them, they think you’re after something, they can’t understand unconditional love and friendship at the most basic.

Sadly, I think this is at least in part a result of the commercialisation of our social interaction, to the extent that everything has been reduced to a transaction - you exchange one commodity for another, and love and acceptance can be seen, in this context, as commodities.

Unconditional love is a hard thing to establish these days, it seems - although it may have been all along, for all I know! And actually, unconditional love is a problematic concept from the outset, because I don’t really know if it’s possible to actually love everything about another person - how many married couples have no complaints about the habits of their spouses, after all? What counts is the acceptance of the person as a whole package, for the sake of what you value in the relationship - the things you gain from knowing that person that you won’t have in any other relationship, because every person - and by extension, every couple - is unique.