Is this a normal brother-sister relationship?

[smad0142]

I read this post in the morning and agreed with everybody. Now I am reading it tonight, with the OP second post, and think maybe it is not as bad as we all thought.

 

[justme_x101]

I read this post in the morning and agreed with everybody. Now I am reading it tonight, with the OP second post, and think maybe it is not as bad as we all thought.

yes, nothing everybody said here was wrong. and i really appreciate all your opinions.
it’s just that, yes it may be not good at all, but maybe it’s not that bad as well.

i’m only confused whether to stay and try, with prayers, to go through all our relationship problems, including this too-close, too-intimate brother-sister relationship. or to leave (which is of course not so easy) because i’m just being stupid staying with this kind of family…

i think if his sister finds a boyfriend and gets married too, it will be much better for all of us. but if she doesn’t, because she’s already 31 now, and haven’t been in a relationship at all, i’m not sure how much trouble will she affect our marriage later, because she’s too close to his brother. i’m not hoping for this scenario of course, just considering this possibility for my future life

 

[monicatholic]

maybe it is not as bad as we all thought.

i still think it’s bad. OP has described,

the fellow ***“goes home every 2 weeks.” ***of his own volition, he goes home every fourteenth day to a 2 bedroom apartment and sleeps in the same bed as his 30something sister. mom allows it. dad allows it. sis allows it. instead of saying, “now that you live away, try not to stay overnight so much.” or “buy another air conditioner” or “stay witht he neighbors” or “get a hotel room.” they all think this is OK.

and this: ***his sister never has a boyfriend yet, and he only had once (a 5 month only relationship 6 years ago), ***
the sister never had a boyfriend. and the fellow only had a brief girlfriend. the parents disapporve of hand holding but dont seem concerned their adult kids dont have mates. and dont seem concerned their adult kids reach inside of each other’s clothes. why is hand holding not OK, but this whole scenario OK with them? their standards are very weird.

and especially this:
thinking it’s still the same with the time when they were still kids, nothing’s changed.
but a LOT of something SHOULD have changed. that nothing has changed makes this family unbalanced (i dont care what country they’re from.) what i see here are 2 parents of 2 adult kids who have convinced their kids to remain children in many ways. and i see 2 adult children who have allowed themselves to be convinced.

justme, i think there will be no room in this family’s dysfuntional world for you.

how does this sound:

***dear diary. my new husband is a dream boat. he loves me very much. on our wedding night, his sister left us alone for an entire hour. then she came in to tickle his belly. is it just me or does she seem jealous of me? and i don’t know what i did to annoy my mother in law. she’s is making unreasonable demands of my husband and acting mean to me. my husband is timid in defending me. he doesnt want to upset his family. he wants to make small changes over time.

signed,
justme ***

justme, you asked because you KNOW there’s something wrong. there is NO ROOM in this family for you. and if you had children in this family, you will suffer badly.

 

[St_Francis]

…so those are what happen when he’s at home. they only have 2 bedrooms with air cons in their house (we live in a tropical country, so it’s so hot to sleep without air cons), so while their parents take 1 room, there’s only 1 room with air cons left for him and his sister. and maybe because his sister never has a boyfriend yet, and he only had once (a 5 month only relationship 6 years ago), before we met 2 years ago, this is what makes them still close after many years, and not aware to change their habits, thinking it’s still the same with the time when they were still kids, nothing’s changed.,

The thing that still gets to me is that they have only one bed and so they have to share it. That seems ridiculous. In the past 25 years, the family has not been able to afford to get 2 beds so they will at least sleep separately? At least here, king-sized beds are more expensive than two twin beds. The room cannot possibly be that small.

(As to the West, here in the US the family would have been required by law to get a 3-bedroom apartment at some point.)

 

[SMHW]

(As to the West, here in the US the family would have been required by law to get a 3-bedroom apartment at some point.)

???

 

[shannyk]

Given a situation where there was only one bed, either of my brothers would offer me their sister the bed and sleep on the floor, on a couch, or in the bath tub if necessary. Us sleeping in the same bed would not even be an option. As for the other behaviors, I’m at a loss to even address them they are so out of the norm. This is a very very disordered and dysfunctional family.

 

[Adeodatus]

Children of opposite sexes should have separate sleeping arrangements from about 5 or 6 years old, but, certainly from the age of puberty.

When the hormones start kicking in, almost any body can be tempting. Incest happens, and it happens much more frequently when inappropriate living conditions are the norm.

I suppose this tangent is actually sort of relevant to the OP’s situation… but I find this to be an astonishing claim. I don’t see how incest is possible absent some prior cause of mental illness (extreme trauma, etc.). I mean nothing personal, but I guess I simply don’t believe it.

 

[marymary1975]

thank you all for your responses and good suggestions…

actually i’m a bit shocked seeing that no one said it was normal.

No this situation is not normal, and even after OP’s second post is still weird.

they only have 2 bedrooms with air cons in their house

Even if they only have one room available, why sleeping on the same bed? can’t they get a second bed, sleeping bag, etc. Also, the fact of not having a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t make anybody closer to their sibling. The fact that she is 30 and never had a boyfriend makes things even weirder. Don’t you think that maybe others have noticed something weird in here and that is why she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

i used to talk to him about the change clothing thing in front of his sister. he said he would begin to change this habit, although it won’t be too quick, too extreme. he wants to avoid any problems that might occur in his family, if his family notices something really different suddenly happen.

Ok maybe I am going to be harsh here but how come that a 30 year old adult needs approval from his family with regard to his changing clothes habits He says he wants to avoid problems??? what problem?? That he wants privacy when he gets undressed??? Would you allow your parents to decide where and in front of who you should get undressed?? This only makes it more than abnormal. Either his parents treat him like a kid and he has absolutly no say in his own life (which if it is like that, if were you I would run away from him because if you marry him you’ll have to put up with man who is married to his parents not to you) or he’s making excuses to you.

i haven’t asked about it again, i will do it after some time. because i don’t want to sound ‘too controlling’, after all it’s his internal family matter and i haven’t been a family member yet. he used to say though, if one of them has been married, things would be different, because the situation has been different.QUOTE]

His internal family matters does matter to you because by looking at his family dinamics is the only real way that you are going to find out the real way that he is going to behave after marrying you. And let me say something, marriage NEVER CHANGES ANYTHING! In the contrary, if there is a bad situation before the marriage the only thing marriage is going to do is make THINGS WORSE!

Personally, I would run away from him. If you are not able to express discomfort with a situation now you won’t be able to do it after you marry him. If you don’t have say in his life now you won’t have it later. Unless that you are willing to put up with this same situation after marriage, with following everything that his parents say and with his parents getting into your life and his life without you being able to say anything, I don’t think you should stay with this guy.

 

[CoffeeHound]

yes, nothing everybody said here was wrong. and i really appreciate all your opinions.
it’s just that, yes it may be not good at all, but maybe it’s not that bad as well.

Everyone looks at a situation through their own lens based on their own experiences. It’s hard to really evaluate a situation over the internet, let alone a situation involving another culture (that still we only know is “eastern”).

It’s good that he’s not living with his parents. It’s better to sleep in a bed with yours sister once every two weeks rather than every night (though that still is a bit odd for me). It’s strange that his parents control how he dates, especially if he doesn’t live at home (though that might be a cultural difference).

 

[dixieagle]

Ma’am, with all due respect to everyone involved, run away from this situation. Freaky does not begin to describe it.

What he said.

to the whole creepy thing. (Actually this was all so weird, I thought the OP must be a troll!)

 

[PPeterson]

I suppose this tangent is actually sort of relevant to the OP’s situation… but I find this to be an astonishing claim. I don’t see how incest is possible absent some prior cause of mental illness (extreme trauma, etc.). I mean nothing personal, but I guess I simply don’t believe it.

mental illness and trauma are not uncommon at all.

anyway OP, maybe you live in a developing country with ways I don’t understand. By US/Western Europe/Canada standards incest seems likely in this case. Especially if your boyfriend is afraid to suddenly stop changing in front of his sister because of the family’s reaction. Extremely closed family systems can be a symptom of incest.

 

[snowbee]

I read the first page, but must reiterate.
YIKES, RUN FAR AWAY FROM THIS GUY! FAR FAR AWAY, DON’T LOOK BACK! IT IS NOT NORMAL.

 

[snowbee]

Read the other 2 pages and still.
Read this again.
**they like to touch each other’s belly’s skin (inside the cloth), because they say that it’s soft, and they just like to touch it
**

This behavior is not normal for a brother-sister relationship. You can’t even hold hands. And if my hand was stroking my wife’s belly, it’d be thinking a couple inches south if you get my drift. Seriously, I cannot get beyond this statement, let alone sleeping in the same room(would not happen in U.S., you sleep outside a girls room on the floor if you have to), and the same bed, and changing with eachother! Again, NOT NORMAL IN THE SLIGHTEST

 

[ConstantineTG]

This is very odd, at least for Western culture.

It’s *possible *that such behaviors are the norm in some other cultures. But it would seem that this family is living in a Western society and, even if innocent, such behaviors are just asking for trouble.

In most Asian cultures, sleeping in the same bed/room is not a big issue. Its common for entire families to sleep in one room regardless of age. Its just how it is. I know my sister told me about it that her friends (in the US) find it weird that on trips she would sleep in the same room, sometimes share the same bed with our parents (or one of them). To us its just normal, and even practical.

 

[snowbee]

In most Asian cultures, sleeping in the same bed/room is not a big issue. Its common for entire families to sleep in one room regardless of age. Its just how it is. I know my sister told me about it that her friends (in the US) find it weird that on trips she would sleep in the same room, sometimes share the same bed with our parents (or one of them). To us its just normal, and even practical.

In isolation yes, sleeping in one room may not be a big deal. But coupled with everything else the OP said this is not normal.

 

[Calliso]

My opinion is going to be a bit different then the others here. I do think that it is a little abnormal…however I am not so sure if you should “run” from this relationship like many people are suggesting. I donlt see anything wrong with the tickling each other in public. The touching thing is kinda weird…but even that not too bad imo. The sleeping together thing…yeah that is kinda odd. At least they aren;t doing it everyday like I got the impression in the first post. Sleeping in the same bed isn;t necessarily a sexual thing or anything. The changing the clothes in front of each other is rather odd. But are they actually watching each other change or is it just them being in the same room but turning their backs on each other so the other doesn;t see anything? Also I wonder why stopping this behavior would cause problems in his family? Why would they care. And I admit the whole not letting you hold hands things have me really confused as well. But anyway this is potentially very concerning behavior but I wouldn;t run just yet.

 

[horselvr]

Well, I think it is time to move onto a normal family where brother and sister do not touch each others bellies and tickle each other and certainly don’t sleep together especially at 30 yrs old, and what is up with changing in front of each other??

I find it odd that you would even need to ask if this stuff is normal because clearly it is not.

 

[SMHW]

I find it odd that you would even need to ask if this stuff is normal because clearly it is not.

OP, I also am curious why you would ask your questions.

I am quite aware that eastern and western cultures can have very different opinions on what is appropriate as far as personal space, privacy, nudity, etc.

But the very fact that you ask the question suggests that *YOU *don’t consider this behavior normal and/or appropriate. Regardless of whether or not the behaviors are moral or culturally acceptable, they are apparently somewhat disturbing to YOU. That, in and of itself, is a reason to be very cautious in pursuing this relationship.

 

[Zooey]

I think I’d start running. It’s not a normal healthy relationship, and at their age!.. I’m afraid I’d be on the cautious side of gullible. They say there are no sexual intentions! The behaviour you detail…So they’re not human then? Even if innocent, it sounds like marriage to your boyfriend could include both of them since they have not physically or emotionally separated from each other into normal adult human relationship.

May God give you protection and a genuine chance at happiness in a balanced relationship with a very good man.
God bless you.

Children of opposite sexes should have separate sleeping arrangements from about 5 or 6 years old, but, certainly from the age of puberty.

When the hormones start kicking in, almost any body can be tempting. Incest happens, and it happens much more frequently when inappropriate living conditions are the norm.

Flee from this family. Your boyfriend and his sister are sleeping in the same bed! Their parents apparently do not see anything wrong with this! This is a VERY dysfunctional family. You do not need these problems in your life!

Ma’am, with all due respect to everyone involved, run away from this situation. Freaky does not begin to describe it.

Creepy. I’ve seen twins sometimes act very close but that’s not the case here. I would steer clear of this family. Wonder if they’ve had sexual abuse in the family. Hate to point fingers but that type of abuse often warps it’s victims as to how and with whom physical affection should be shown. No that I know from personal experience this is just what I’ve heard and read.

I agree with all of the above.

Given a situation where there was only one bed, either of my brothers would offer me their sister the bed and sleep on the floor, on a couch, or in the bath tub if necessary. Us sleeping in the same bed would not even be an option. As for the other behaviors, I’m at a loss to even address them they are so out of the norm. This is a very very disordered and dysfunctional family.

Yes, exactly.
Please, you need to get away from these people. There is something seriously wrong with this entire family in general, and with the relationship of the siblings in particular.

 

[Zooey]

I read the first page, but must reiterate.
YIKES, RUN FAR AWAY FROM THIS GUY! FAR FAR AWAY, DON’T LOOK BACK! IT IS NOT NORMAL.

Read the other 2 pages and still.
Read this again.
they like to touch each other’s belly’s skin (inside the cloth), because they say that it’s soft, and they just like to touch it

This behavior is not normal for a brother-sister relationship. You can’t even hold hands. And if my hand was stroking my wife’s belly, it’d be thinking a couple inches south if you get my drift. Seriously, I cannot get beyond this statement, let alone sleeping in the same room(would not happen in U.S., you sleep outside a girls room on the floor if you have to), and the same bed, and changing with eachother! Again, NOT NORMAL IN THE SLIGHTEST

Thank you!! I completely agree with you. You have said it better than I did, or ever could.