Is this a sin?

[taty97]

HI!
First of all I have to say that if sex didn’t exist I would not care.
I’m married and I don’t get arouse very easily.My husband is very good with the first part but than he doesn’t last long and very often to get that thing done I need to have dirty thoughts.
Is this a sin?

Thank you

 

[unworthy]

Hi there,
someone on Ask an Apologist answered a similar question. I think you should try searching for it. If you can’t find it may be you could re-send the question.

 

[Shae]

HI!
First of all I have to say that if sex didn’t exist I would not care.
I’m married and I don’t get arouse very easily.My husband is very good with the first part but than he doesn’t last long and very often to get that thing done I need to have dirty thoughts.
Is this a sin?

Thank you

I’ve wondered the same thing as you. I really dont care for sex. If my husband never pursued me I definitely would not pursue him. I would like to know, if letting him just have his way and I dont get involved mentally is a sin.

This lack of desire has increased immensely moreso in hte last 12 months.

shae

 

[leonie]

HI!
First of all I have to say that if sex didn’t exist I would not care.
I’m married and I don’t get arouse very easily.My husband is very good with the first part but than he doesn’t last long and very often to get that thing done I need to have dirty thoughts.
Is this a sin?

Thank you

My confessor says to entertain thoughts is grave matter. But if it pops up and you dismiss it asap, it is not a sin.

so, yes, it is a sin. I’m sorry for your struggles.

Maybe you could pray about this (sexual desire). And, it the meantime, concentrate just on pleasing him?

Such a difficult topic…

 

[chevalier]

Do ask someone qualified, please, such as a priest in confession. People can’t tell you if you sin or not, or to what extent, with full certainty, at least not normally. Marital exclusivity includes thougths, as does the regular “ban” on premarital sex. Spouses are not to be treated like objects, including sexual objects. Marriage includes “marital acts” and there is an obligation towards that, as well as keeping the spouse’s needs satisfied. But I don’t want to draw concrete conclusions as to your specific situation, so once again, please consult with a priest. I’ll pray for you.

 

[Reepicheep]

Taty97:
“Dirty thoughts” is a vauge and general term, that might not mean the same thing to you that it would to me.
I repeat the advice already given, to consult your priest or a good Catholic therapist.

 

[PennitentMan]

My 2 cents:

It is a bit concerning for me to read that there are quite a few marreid Catholic ladies out there that feel this way about intimacy.
I am in a very similar situation, and to tell you honestly ladies, you are hurting your husbands by denying them this.
Marriage is about love. Don’t deny them this gift from God! Please pay attention.

You may even be the cause of your husband masturbating or looking at porn!
Pray about this please.

In Christ,
PM

 

[thechrismyster]

You may even be the cause of your husband masturbating or looking at porn!

whhHHhhHHHOOOOOO… HOLD ON THERE.
that is a stretch. she wouldn’t be culpable for his sinning. HE is responsible for his sinning.

HE ALONE sins if he masturbates or looks at porn.

 

[PennitentMan]

whhHHhhHHHOOOOOO… HOLD ON THERE.
that is a stretch. she wouldn’t be culpable for his sinning. HE is responsible for his sinning.

HE ALONE sins if he masturbates or looks at porn.

Actually, no.
*IF *the wife is witholding the act from the husband to the point where he has no release at all for a prolonged period of time, I’m not talking about just days here…then the graveness of the sin is transferred to the wife.
The husband will still be comitting a sin, but not a mortal one.

This was explained to me by a very wise priest.

 

[BlestOne]

Actually, no.
*IF *the wife is witholding the act from the husband to the point where he has no release at all for a prolonged period of time, I’m not talking about just days here…then the graveness of the sin is transferred to the wife.
The husband will still be comitting a sin, but not a mortal one.

This was explained to me by a very wise priest.

Did this priest say if it went both ways? What if a man withheld relations from his wife? Does that give her license to to act immorally? I also want to know how one is to define “prolonged” that is way too subjective a word. And how does this go from mortal to venial?

 

[PennitentMan]

Did this priest say if it went both ways? What if a man withheld relations from his wife? Does that give her license to to act immorally? I also want to know how one is to define “prolonged” that is way too subjective a word. And how does this go from mortal to venial?

Honestly, we were talking very specifically abount a wife witholding the act from her husband, so he didn’t say.

I have to add though, it’s not “giving them a license to act immorrally”, as you stated.
We should, in everything, strive to remain pure and holy, but if he would stumble as a direct result of not receiving the love and martial act from his wife, as God intended, due to the wife’s conscious doing, then the gravity of the sin falls on the wife.
We must strive to remain chaste though.

As I said we were speaking of my situation specifically.

That made me also think that if I was to stumble, I would sin, but that sin would also be on my wife, and that gave me more courage not to act upon the impulses, but it does happen.

In Christ,
PM

 

[thechrismyster]

Actually, no.
*IF *the wife is witholding the act from the husband to the point where he has no release at all for a prolonged period of time, I’m not talking about just days here…then the graveness of the sin is transferred to the wife.
The husband will still be comitting a sin, but not a mortal one.

This was explained to me by a very wise priest.

let me get this straight… we men are nothing more than animals needing release.
here is a novel concept for that priest…

CONTROL YOURSELF!

If the wife can’t, physically or mentally, perform sexually for whatever reason, the man made a vow at the altar to be faithful, in good times and in BAD. and if there is no sex, he may view that as bad, but it’s not an excuse for him to go and sin. the guilt is on the person who pulls the trigger.
and if the man masturbates, is he fantasizing? about whom? his wife? porn?
if that man lusts after anyone during his sessions other than his wife he also, as Jesus said, commits adultery in his heart, which is against his marriage vows. HE breaks the promise.

everyone wants to blame another for their own shortcomings.
take responsibility, if a man sins. HE sins.

If a man can’t be a man and keep his promise to his wife and God, then he shouldn’t walk down the aisle.

personal responsilbility for a persons actions. it’s a novel and underutilitzed concept.

 

[PennitentMan]

let me get this straight… we men are nothing more than animals needing release.
here is a novel concept for that priest…

CONTROL YOURSELF!

If the wife can’t, physically or mentally, perform sexually for whatever reason, the man made a vow at the altar to be faithful, in good times and in BAD. and if there is no sex, he may view that as bad, but it’s not an excuse for him to go and sin. the guilt is on the person who pulls the trigger.
and if the man masturbates, is he fantasizing? about whom? his wife? porn?
if that man lusts after anyone during his sessions other than his wife he also, as Jesus said, commits adultery in his heart, which is against his marriage vows. HE breaks the promise.

everyone wants to blame another for their own shortcomings.
take responsibility, if a man sins. HE sins.

If a man can’t be a man and keep his promise to his wife and God, then he shouldn’t walk down the aisle.

personal responsilbility.

Personal responsibility…and what about the wife’s responsibility to fulfill her maritial duty?

Anywahy, I don’t want to get into a fight here, so I’ll just stop this now.

PM

 

[taty97]

I’ve been always available to my husband…
The problem is that it’s taking so much time for me to get to that point that I need to have dirty thoughts …for me it is not necessary to have pleasure at the end but I think for my husband my pleasure really counts.

 

[HailMary]

What I do know is that you cannot lust over your husband. So I suppose if those “dirthy thoughts” you said are for your husband then its probably not a sin.

Sex, the Liturgy of the Body, is an altar of sacrifice, where each individual, man and woman, offer their spouses to God. Sex is the prayer of the body. Only the catholic Church has this theology. Try reading The Theology of the Body for Beginners. Good stuff.

 

[homewardbound]

I’ve been always available to my husband…
The problem is that it’s taking so much time for me to get to that point that I need to have dirty thoughts …for me it is not necessary to have pleasure at the end but I think for my husband my pleasure really counts.

Maybe slow down during lovemaking and focus on what a gift he is, how much you love him, etc. Think more about your connection emotionally and try to not worry about the physical side as much. Thinking too much about how much he wants you to have pleasure and being stressed about it only makes it more impossible to happen. Focusing on the emotional and spiritual aspect of it may actually help the rest fix itself.

 

[otjm]

If there is a moral dilemma, then one needs to counsel with a priest.

However, the source of the moral dilemma stems, most likely, from physical and/or psychological issues; and to resolve them, one needs a competent therapist, and/or a good physician.

There can be any number of sources of a woman not having desire for intercourse, and the issue needs to be explored carefully and thoroughly. It is not enought to refer to the husband’s “marital right”, as that will work towards the wife reacting as if she were nothing more than a disengaged receptor of intercourse. Marriage is not about disengagement, but rather engagement. Anything that acts to separate the emotional bonding of the husband and wife is a danger to the long-term status of the marriage. There are all too many older marriages that are marriages in name only; they don’t get a legal divorce, but they achieved an emotional one long before.

 

[otjm]

let me get this straight… we men are nothing more than animals needing release.
here is a novel concept for that priest…

CONTROL YOURSELF!

If the wife can’t, physically or mentally, perform sexually for whatever reason, the man made a vow at the altar to be faithful, in good times and in BAD. and if there is no sex, he may view that as bad, but it’s not an excuse for him to go and sin. the guilt is on the person who pulls the trigger.
and if the man masturbates, is he fantasizing? about whom? his wife? porn?
if that man lusts after anyone during his sessions other than his wife he also, as Jesus said, commits adultery in his heart, which is against his marriage vows. HE breaks the promise.

everyone wants to blame another for their own shortcomings.
take responsibility, if a man sins. HE sins.

If a man can’t be a man and keep his promise to his wife and God, then he shouldn’t walk down the aisle.

personal responsilbility for a persons actions. it’s a novel and underutilitzed concept.

There is an old phrase that anything taken to it’s logical extreme is illogical. The comments above are not responsive to the issue at hand, namely the OP’s problem with intercourse.

The short answer is that if someone sticks their foot out and trips the man, he stumbles; but to assume that he is solely responsible for stumbling is to say that anyone else can stick their foot out and trip him. The other party does not have permission to trip him, either. They have a moral duty to not put their foot out and trip him.

And if you don’t accept that, please re-read the Gospel comment by Christ about causing another to stumble… He imputes guilt to the one causing the stumble.

 

[Teddy_P_1]

If there is a moral dilemma, then one needs to counsel with a priest.

However, the source of the moral dilemma stems, most likely, from physical and/or psychological issues; and to resolve them, one needs a competent therapist, and/or a good physician.

There can be any number of sources of a woman not having desire for intercourse, and the issue needs to be explored carefully and thoroughly. It is not enought to refer to the husband’s “marital right”, as that will work towards the wife reacting as if she were nothing more than a disengaged receptor of intercourse. Marriage is not about disengagement, but rather engagement. Anything that acts to separate the emotional bonding of the husband and wife is a danger to the long-term status of the marriage. There are all too many older marriages that are marriages in name only; they don’t get a legal divorce, but they achieved an emotional one long before.

Who should get help the man or woman. I know the best way is for both to work on it together, But could she ask her husband to get checked out for anything in particular or could she get checked out first if she thinks its her?
What would she or he say to a doctor to start moving in the right direction?

Teddy

 

[otjm]

Who should get help the man or woman. I know the best way is for both to work on it together, But could she ask her husband to get checked out for anything in particular or could she get checked out first if she thinks its her?
What would she or he say to a doctor to start moving in the right direction?

Teddy

There are few issues of a similar nature that do not involve both husband and wife. Having said that , it does not mean that the problem lies equally between them. As to what they say, they need to lay it all out on the table; they are having sexual problems and want to resolve them; and both need to be willing to seek resolution.

Resolution does not mean that the problem is simply going to go away; it isn’t going to be a matter of taking a few pills or going to 6 counseling sessions. But neither does it mean that how the OP feels and reacts now is the only answer to their future sex life.