Is this a turn off?

[Imryl]

I would say that none of that would be as much of a turn off (whether potential spouse or just a potential friend) as your opinion that small children, whatever your reason, don’t belong at mass.

With the sorts of posts you were making on that thread, coupled with what you’ve stated here would, in fact, lead me to think that you’re the holier than thou sort of person.

But that is just my fallible opinion based only on your posts over the last few days, and I don’t know you beyond your posts.

 

[Defender1]

I would say that none of that would be as much of a turn off (whether potential spouse or just a potential friend) as your opinion that small children, whatever your reason, don’t belong at mass.

With the sorts of posts you were making on that thread, coupled with what you’ve stated here would, in fact, lead me to think that you’re the holier than thou sort of person.

But that is just my fallible opinion based only on your posts over the last few days, and I don’t know you beyond your posts.

You know what? Thank you so much for you honesty . I needed that and that was something I was looking for here as well . I was wondering when someone would call me on that and you did well . I do have to comment that I saw parents taking their children out in mass as well last weekend and on Tuesday night. M<ay be perhaps I should lighten up , but you do realize that I can express myself more her then in person to others . No one really knows feelings towards crying babies at church past this forum .

Thanks again your response is greatly appreciated .

 

[Imryl]

No one said that you shouldn’t take your children out. People were explaining why some parents choose to stay at Mass rather then making a hasty exit, pointing out that one really ought not arbitrarily judge that they are selfish, thoughtless, oblivious or unchurched parents because they don’t exhibit behavior that you might expect or want them to.

One’s interior disposition is, in my opinion, more telling of a person then their exterior disposition because it says who they really are rather then who they want people to think they are. So if it’s true that this medium allows you to vent and be more “honest” then, I think that says a lot about where you are in your journey right now.

 

[DarrenOglesby]

You shouldn’t be any less of a person that God made you to be to find the right person. Perhaps God might have something else in store. I use to always pray for a girlfriend someday, I was always afraid to ask out girls. I came close a couple of times in Middle School and in High School. I eventually started to discern the priesthood, which is the road I am on now.

 

[Defender1]

No one said that you shouldn’t take your children out. People were explaining why some parents choose to stay at Mass rather then making a hasty exit, pointing out that one really ought not arbitrarily judge that they are selfish, thoughtless, oblivious or unchurched parents because they don’t exhibit behavior that you might expect or want them to.

One’s interior disposition is, in my opinion, more telling of a person then their exterior disposition because it says who they really are rather then who they want people to think they are. So if it’s true that this medium allows you to vent and be more “honest” then, I think that says a lot about where you are in your journey right now.

Where am I in your opinion ?

 

[Sarabande]

You know what? Thank you so much for you honesty . I needed that and that was something I was looking for here as well . I was wondering when someone would call me on that and you did well . I do have to comment that I saw parents taking their children out in mass as well last weekend and on Tuesday night. M<ay be perhaps I should lighten up , but you do realize that I can express myself more her then in person to others . No one really knows feelings towards crying babies at church past this forum .

Thanks again your response is greatly appreciated .

I didn’t put two and two together that you were the same person on the other thread. I do try not to make a complete opinion on someone based on what kinds of posts they make because I do realize that sometimes we all don’t express ourselves as clearly as we’d like, especially with the written word. That said, emotions and impressions can’t be helped all the time. I will be honest, if I was a single woman and I read comments like that on the other thread, it would completely turn me off and would not consider dating you because it would seem to me that you have a balanced view of children and parenting in general. It would make me question your ability to parent and I would agree with Imryl that you would come off as holier-than-thou even if you weren’t actually like that in person. If I was a single woman, those qualities are not attractive to me, especially in terms of wanting a husband who would also be a good, non-holier-than-thou father. That is just my initial gut reaction to your posts before analyzing or giving you the benefit of the doubt.

After reading this thread, though, I can see that you are a well-meaning person. You just may be a little misguided on your thoughts about parenting and such… maybe because you are not a parent? I don’t want to assume that you are not, but your posts did make you appear inexperienced and it did get a bit out of hand and sometimes it just escalates to a point where I think it doesn’t actually show a person’s true self because everyone is on the defense.

I do agree that sometimes what is unsaid, can be transparent to others in person, even when you think people would never know your true self. If that is the case, then it requires a person to pretend to be something they are not and in that case, that person is deceiving the people around them and I don’t think that is something most people would want to do.

I understand that you have had a difficult journey. I have had one as well and I remember what I was like in different parts of my spiritual journey in which I’m not always proud of (ie. being holier-than-thou and not thinking that I was when I was a teenager) When I learned to completely trust in God’s plan and to learn how to truly love… myself and others, my journey blossomed and has become a beautiful one. Continue on and to grow. When you are at a point where God feels you are ready for a wife, He will lead you to her and she to you, especially as you continue on your spiritual journey and continue to keep a strong spiritual life. Believe me, I know in my heart He did for me and my husband and I was one who no plans at all to marry for a long time. You will attract the right kind of women to you.

 

[Defender1]

I didn’t put two and two together that you were the same person on the other thread. I do try not to make a complete opinion on someone based on what kinds of posts they make because I do realize that sometimes we all don’t express ourselves as clearly as we’d like, especially with the written word. That said, emotions and impressions can’t be helped all the time. I will be honest, if I was a single woman and I read comments like that on the other thread, it would completely turn me off and would not consider dating you because it would seem to me that you have a balanced view of children and parenting in general. It would make me question your ability to parent and I would agree with Imryl that you would come off as holier-than-thou even if you weren’t actually like that in person. If I was a single woman, those qualities are not attractive to me, especially in terms of wanting a husband who would also be a good, non-holier-than-thou father. That is just my initial gut reaction to your posts before analyzing or giving you the benefit of the doubt.

After reading this thread, though, I can see that you are a well-meaning person. You just may be a little misguided on your thoughts about parenting and such… maybe because you are not a parent? I don’t want to assume that you are not, but your posts did make you appear inexperienced and it did get a bit out of hand and sometimes it just escalates to a point where I think it doesn’t actually show a person’s true self because everyone is on the defense.

I do agree that sometimes what is unsaid, can be transparent to others in person, even when you think people would never know your true self. If that is the case, then it requires a person to pretend to be something they are not and in that case, that person is deceiving the people around them and I don’t think that is something most people would want to do.

I understand that you have had a difficult journey. I have had one as well and I remember what I was like in different parts of my spiritual journey in which I’m not always proud of (ie. being holier-than-thou and not thinking that I was when I was a teenager) When I learned to completely trust in God’s plan and to learn how to truly love… myself and others, my journey blossomed and has become a beautiful one. Continue on and to grow. When you are at a point where God feels you are ready for a wife, He will lead you to her and she to you, especially as you continue on your spiritual journey and continue to keep a strong spiritual life. Believe me, I know in my heart He did for me and my husband and I was one who no plans at all to marry for a long time. You will attract the right kind of women to you.

Thank you for your honesty , however, someone at first glance would not know my views and what I say on forums so what about that particular scenario? Say you did not know about my forum comments . What then?

 

[Sarabande]

Thank you for your honesty , however, someone at first glance would not know my views and what I say on forums so what about that particular scenario? Say you did not know about my forum comments . What then?

I sort of shared that with you on my original post. If I didn’t know about your views from the other thread, I would just go on how you initially presented yourself. Some of the things I’d have on my checklist would be (not that it’s a concious checklist, but I remember the thoughts which would go through my mind when I’d see a young man I was interested in). Does he appear sincere and humble? Does he seem like a genuinely nice guy? Does he carry himself in a way that doesn’t appear like he is condescending towards others? How does he interact with those around him? How does he interact with kids? Does he seem like the kind of guy I would be interested in as a husband and a father? Is he a hard worker and responsible? Is he loving and charitable? Now these are all checks towards a first impression or at least the first few encounters with him. How I would feel after I got to know the gentleman would depend on how he conducted himself. And even if the guy did appear to be arrogant and condescending and holier-than-thou at first glance I’d actually still give him a chance on a date because I would want the same done for me as I was a shy person and raised to be rather formal (kind of victorian in a way as I had a very old-fashioned mom) and people would tell me that they didn’t realize how goofy and down-to-earth I was until after they got to know me. I did go on dates with men whose initial impression was not as pleasing that plenty of times. Sometimes my first impression was correct and their behaviour was certainly transparent. Other times it wasn’t and those gentlemen were actually nice guys who just appeared to look that way because of their shyness and formality.

Hope that’s helpful.

 

[Defender1]

I sort of shared that with you on my original post. If I didn’t know about your views from the other thread, I would just go on how you initially presented yourself. Some of the things I’d have on my checklist would be (not that it’s a concious checklist, but I remember the thoughts which would go through my mind when I’d see a young man I was interested in). Does he appear sincere and humble? Does he seem like a genuinely nice guy? Does he carry himself in a way that doesn’t appear like he is condescending towards others? How does he interact with those around him? How does he interact with kids? Does he seem like the kind of guy I would be interested in as a husband and a father? Is he a hard worker and responsible? Is he loving and charitable? Now these are all checks towards a first impression or at least the first few encounters with him. How I would feel after I got to know the gentleman would depend on how he conducted himself. And even if the guy did appear to be arrogant and condescending and holier-than-thou at first glance I’d actually still give him a chance on a date because I would want the same done for me as I was a shy person and raised to be rather formal (kind of victorian in a way as I had a very old-fashioned mom) and people would tell me that they didn’t realize how goofy and down-to-earth I was until after they got to know me. I did go on dates with men whose initial impression was not as pleasing that plenty of times. Sometimes my first impression was correct and their behaviour was certainly transparent. Other times it wasn’t and those gentlemen were actually nice guys who just appeared to look that way because of their shyness and formality.

Hope that’s helpful.

In my opinion that is a great checklist and well thought out Thanks again .

 

[Imryl]

Where am I in your opinion ?

My opinion doesn’t really matter. You should ask your priest/spiritual director, someone who knows who you are now and who you’d like to be in the future.

 

[filledesagesse]

hmmm everyone has posted so positively so far but you did welcome your opponents in the original post…
I come from a very traditional Catholic parish which is for the most part a good thing, there is a Catholic college right down the street where my mom went and where my friends go. There are LOTS of young Catholics there and I that is usually very reassuring when it comes to guy/girl socializing EXCEPT that there are those sorts of guys that we girls call “wife hunters.” They care too much about what the young ladies think and are more or less HUNTING down a nice pretty holy young spouse. We don’t like the feeling of being hunted and judged whether or not we are the oh so lucky candidate to be some presumptuous guys’ wife. We, the girls, would much rather guy-guys that don’t care so much what we or anybody thinks but goes along in their own path of holiness not hunting down potential wives but taking their vocation (the present moment) and what ever comes along with it (a relationships if God sends it…but if He doesn’t, than forget about it and get a life!). I don’t know if your necessarily a “wife hunter” but I certainly wouldn’t care to have a young guy giving me communion and worrying about what I think about him. If God wants you doing what your doing and being who your being and your doing it, that should be sufficient for everyone, especially you.
So, from the girls perspective, I can’t say if it’s a turn off or not. I don’t know you (or the young guy who does yard work for the Dominican Sisters, etc.), I can’t say if your a cool guy or not just by seeing you administer communion and I can’t tell if your handsome on the inside by your suite or it’s cut or whatever. Forget about what other people think and stay focused on your activities, responsibilities, spiritual life, etc. and everything will play out just as it should. Only shallow girls think in terms of “turn ons” anyway.

 

[Defender1]

Thanbks

hmmm everyone has posted so positively so far but you did welcome your opponents in the original post…
I come from a very traditional Catholic parish which is for the most part a good thing, there is a Catholic college right down the street where my mom went and where my friends go. There are LOTS of young Catholics there and I that is usually very reassuring when it comes to guy/girl socializing EXCEPT that there are those sorts of guys that we girls call “wife hunters.” They care too much about what the young ladies think and are more or less HUNTING down a nice pretty holy young spouse. We don’t like the feeling of being hunted and judged whether or not we are the oh so lucky candidate to be some presumptuous guys’ wife. We, the girls, would much rather guy-guys that don’t care so much what we or anybody thinks but goes along in their own path of holiness not hunting down potential wives but taking their vocation (the present moment) and what ever comes along with it (a relationships if God sends it…but if He doesn’t, than forget about it and get a life!). I don’t know if your necessarily a “wife hunter” but I certainly wouldn’t care to have a young guy giving me communion and worrying about what I think about him. If God wants you doing what your doing and being who your being and your doing it, that should be sufficient for everyone, especially you.
So, from the girls perspective, I can’t say if it’s a turn off or not. I don’t know you (or the young guy who does yard work for the Dominican Sisters, etc.), I can’t say if your a cool guy or not just by seeing you administer communion and I can’t tell if your handsome on the inside by your suite or it’s cut or whatever. Forget about what other people think and stay focused on your activities, responsibilities, spiritual life, etc. and everything will play out just as it should. Only shallow girls think in terms of “turn ons” anyway.

thank you for your honesty . I am not a wife Hunter . I try to make my life holy . I did not want single woman to get the idea that I want to become a priest when they see me giving communion . So I get the impression that you see that as a strike against me? I asked you all to be honest and you have been so . You won’t see me drinking beers on a Friday night (which some may like ) But I do drink with the social clubs I belong to like the Knights of Columbus or the Ancient Order of Hibernians.My relationship with my coworkers ends at the clock I dont go to the Christmas parties. I get up at 4 O’clock in the morning to work out before going to work. At 6am I meet my friend to go running . I clock in a 730 and leave 345 . Now I know you did not appreciate the turn off point of view , but in all honesty have I described a turn off ? Now the wife hunter thing . I am not looking for a wife at this moment , but I am looking for a someone . Should we not all be as Catholics unless we are called to clergy? You seem a bit stand offish did someone hurt you to make you seem somewhat bitter . (please do not get insulted I would have made it sound better in person )

 

[filledesagesse]

What you have described isn’t necessarily either a turn off or a turn on, but the question, in my opinion, is a “turn off.” Why are you so worried about it? I think what I don’t like about it is that you seem to be thinking too much about the surface attraction. It makes me wonder whether you are so worried about whether you are a “turn on” to girls because that’s what you measure them by. And that’s a very unfortunate term to be judged by, if that were to be the case.

Also, in one of your responses to someone’s response to the original post (that’s a bit confusing!) you said that you are to “weak” to be a priest (to live without a wife). Now that IS unattractive. And unrealistic. One doesn’t get married because they’re too “weak” to be a priest, or become a priest because they are to impatient to deal with kids, one does it because one is called! And what is really attractive in a guy is complete openness and courage to answer that call, and entire forgetfulness of self in the desire to fulfill his God given mission!

If I sounded (or sound) bitter/standoffish it is because I particularly dislike terms such as “turn on,” “turn off,” “hot,” etc. I know it sounds harsh but it is so degrading and mean to put people in a box like that. It is a very incomplete picture based on what?

 

[Defender1]

What you have described isn’t necessarily either a turn off or a turn on, but the question, in my opinion, is a “turn off.” Why are you so worried about it? I think what I don’t like about it is that you seem to be thinking too much about the surface attraction. It makes me wonder whether you are so worried about whether you are a “turn on” to girls because that’s what you measure them by. And that’s a very unfortunate term to be judged by, if that were to be the case.

Also, in one of your responses to someone’s response to the original post (that’s a bit confusing!) you said that you are to “weak” to be a priest (to live without a wife). Now that IS unattractive. And unrealistic. One doesn’t get married because they’re too “weak” to be a priest, or become a priest because they are to impatient to deal with kids, one does it because one is called! And what is really attractive in a guy is complete openness and courage to answer that call, and entire forgetfulness of self in the desire to fulfill his God given mission!

If I sounded (or sound) bitter/standoffish it is because I particularly dislike terms such as “turn on,” “turn off,” “hot,” etc. I know it sounds harsh but it is so degrading and mean to put people in a box like that. It is a very incomplete picture based on what?

It is the surface attraction that attracts someone to begin with . You cannot see what is inside until you get to know them . I am asking if I am part of the turn off and I did not label any females in this category , I am worried about myself not how a female looks .
I would rather not judge any females in this way . Its about me not them . Are they attracted to me or am I a turn off .Why be offended if your a female by that ? The whole weak for a priest deal is that , I could not live by the law of no marriage in the church if I were a priest.I would have made a great priest and certainly a better preacher then many of them are (but thats not the point of the mass anyway ) but its not my calling because I could never live the rest of my life single . I put myself in the box not anyone else.Woman are way to special to judge them as I do myself.

 

[odile53]

Trust the old ladies’ opinions. They obviously have had successful marriages.

Present yourself as pleasant and genuinely interested in people where they are at, and you’ll do just fine. Make sure that the interest you project in people extends to ALL people, not just the pretty young women (that just makes you look like you’re on the prowl, a definite red flag to an intelligent and discerning young woman, and certainly the last thing one would want to see in church!) And make sure that the persona you project is the persona you are. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a phony, except someone who is too desperate to find a spouse.