If I am talking to someone such as my sister, cousin, or friend about a friend who has not been a good friend to me and describe a situation of why I am upset with her or why I think she is rude, is that considered gossip?? And, let’s say it’s vice versa - if a friend was to talk to you about someone they were upset with or hurt them, is it wrong to say “that’s rude of them” or talk about them also (not name calling or any of that, just saying if they think what that person did was mean or not, etc. )
It’s not gossip,but it is detraction, which is just as bad, detraction is the sin of revealing something about another that is true but harmful to that person’s reputation, while gossip is more along the lines of idle talk, usually repeating something you’ve heard about someone that can ruin their reputation, or which is simply none of your business, and which may or may not be true,
but talking to someone about the unknown faults of others is a sin against detraction, even if others know of a persons sins or faults, it’s still detraction to tell someone who was not aware of it,
“Keep yourselves therefore from murmuring, which profiteth nothing, and refrain your tongue from detraction, for an obscure speech shall not go for nought: and the mouth that belieth, killeth the soul.” - Wisdom 1:11
and the degree of sin depends on the degree of sin or fault revealed, but i would recommend talking with your priest about that, or whatever priest you go to for confession
.
and yes, it is also a sin to listen to detraction willingly,
everyone has a right to their reputation, whether they deserve it or not, and to robe someone of their reputation is a sin against justice, even if what you reveal is true, that does not justify it’s disclosure,
however, talking to someone, or “blowing off steam” with someone who already knows the faults of the person who was upsetting you is not detraction, although it’s still not “good” to do, but it’s not as serious,
you just have to use discretion, or just play it safe and don’t talk bad about others at all, although there are times which call for us to reveal something about someone we know for their own good and safety, but usually that involves telling a priest or their parents, and there are also other circumstances that call for us to reveal someones serious faults or bad intentions when they are or may hurt themselves or others by it…but that really doesn’t apply to your situation.
another reason it’s bad to talk about someone this way, is because if that person decides to repent, and really change their ways for the better, those around them will hardly let them forget their past faults, especially the more serious they were.
so not only would it be a sin against justice, but also charity,
although i know it’s hard, when someones really getting on your nerves, and you just need someone to vent to,
but some good ways to stop yourself, and also make yourself calm down and feel better, are first of all, say a prayer, even just a little one…and then think to yourself what complaining about it will profit you, it may make you feel better for a little bit, but they will only get on your nerves again, and even if you can escape them, someone else always comes along, and to complain also doesn’t help you spiritually, otherwise Jesus would have done it, but instead He didn’t complain, to show us that we do ourselves and others better by enduring things silently and patiently.
another thing to do, is to offer it up with the sacrifice prayer the Fatima children used so very much -
“O Jesus, it is for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners, in reparation for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and for the Holy Father.”
and although you may want to offer up your sufferings, yet for some reason, whenever i say this prayer, it seems like my suffering becomes lighter,
i think it’s because, when we help Jesus to carry His cross by accepting our own, then He in turn lightens our burden by helping us to carry ours.
you can also go to church or adoration when you are feeling upset, and just sit there with Jesus and talk with Him about it, or just let Him speak to you in your heart, and i can guarantee that after doing that, you will feel alot better.
there is no need to go to anyone but Jesus with your troubles, unload them on Him, because He can turn them into something profitable…whereas unloading on anyone else will profit us nothing except a temporary relief.
and it is no burden on Jesus to take our sufferings from us, He knows what to do with them, whereas to unload them on others will only burden them as well,
although don’t get me wrong here, i’m not talking about crying on someones shoulder, which is an act of charity for the person letting you cry on their shoulder, i’m only talking about more petty things, or other things that aren’t so devastating. although we should go to Jesus with those things to, but it’s ok if we need to cry on someone else also.
another good thing to do would be to get a good spiritual director, because you can also unload these things on him, and he will give you better advice and help on how to overcome your faults(not just detraction) and he may even be able to help you so that you don’t get angry with your friend(or whoever) at all, which is absolutely possible, it just takes a deeper and more perfect love of God and your neighbor.
well, i don’t want to make this to long, but if you have any other questions at all concerning this, i’d be glad to try and help further,
so i hope this helps, take care.
(To TheRealJuliane) - the answer to your question is no, it’s not detraction because those who read your posts here don’t know you or your husband…atleast i assume not…but if not, then no, it’s not wrong, because you are seeking help anonymously, and not merely for the sake of conversation or complaining.
this is a struggle for me too, i have gotten a lot better though about talking about my friends to other friends but now I usually talk about it mostly when I’m upset about something because it helps me feel better, especially to get some feedback. But, I definitley learned to only talk to people I fully trust. But, some people might consider it gossiping and others don’t. For example, my sister does not think this would be gossiping, but one of my friends thinks just mentioning someone else’s name or saying if what they did was rude is gossiping. To me, I don’t know if it’s gossiping or not, but i don’t see anything wrong to say what someone did was rude or not nice - it’s just the truth.
