Is this deceptive?

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angell1

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is it deceptive to not mention something tha tyou know will upset someone?

for example, my mom doesn’t like people knowing where we live so she doesn’t me to accept rides from people.

she also doesn’t want me to tell people the real reason to not accept rides, she’d rather I lie because she thinks people will think it’s weird. which, it is, in all honestly. she’s just scared people will get jealous of our house or something.

sometimes i get stuck, I don’t want ot disrespect my mom because, her house, her rules.
I also don’t want to lie to friends or church acquaintances about something like this though and some people can be insistent on rides, especially if it’s dark or raining. and if I’m tired and don’t want to take the bus, well, why not if it’s on their way? also, my mom doesn’t drive, I would have ot call my dad but he works all day and is tired, I don’t want ot ask him all the time

so I let a friend from curch drive me a couple times, thought it ok because once, my parents were out of town, another time, I texted my dad to tell him and thought he would let my mom know, which usually does and sometimes, she agrees. when I got home though, found out he didn’t ask her. she asked if my dad picked me up and I said no, she then just assumed I came home on the bus and I didn’t say anything.

after that, I tried to not let people drive me anymore, I went to visit the same friend once and took the bus to her house. my mom then called and asked if the lady picked me up, which she hadn’t and then she reminded me again of her “house rule” and how I need her permission to tell people to drive me, which often, she doesn’t give. she also had a personal disagreement with this particular lady over something ridiculous so I just didn’t want the whole situation to blow up. I basically just said, yes I understand your rule and left it at that.

am I being disrespectful of my mom? am I sinning by omission by not mentioning that this happened in the past? if she finds out now, she will tell me tha ti lied to her which I didn’t do outrightly but I am letting her believe that the lady from church never drove me on her own assumption.

is it wrong to let someone believe something that is not true like this? do I just have to never accept rides again because of this crazy rule?

also, I am an adult but I still live at home, because people will usually ask how old I am

I’m just confused and feel trapped. should I just tell my mom everything and let her get angry at me?
 
Here’s the thing. It’s not a fair deal for your mom to make you lie on her behalf. But still you’ve got to respect her feelings. Ok. So what you do is this. You just tell people that because your mom’s a very private person she has a thing about people picking you up and dropping you off at her house. So if they don’t mind leaving you at the corner everyone stays happy. Just try not to roll your eyes when you say it. Try to pretend you’re respecting this.

I think people’ll think it’s weird. Because it is. But at least they’ll let you off the hook on it. And you won’t be really lying. And everyone will live happily-ever-after. The end.

Peace.

-Trident
 
And if there’s any risk in the vicinity have them bring you to the door anyway.

You don’t have to tell her.

If she asks about it just say firmly that she should trust your judgment about who is safe to do this.

If she argues, just point out that you have said what you have said.

This is all provided that they are genuinely sympathetic. If in doubt about their attitude to your mum, you are still justified in having them drop you provided you really are sure they will keep you safe in yourself. If they argue with you about your mum, just ask them firmly not to, the deal is the lift, are they offering to give you a lift responsibly full stop.
 
Okay, so your mom wants you to lie to other people but it’s not okay to lie to her? :ehh:

Uh, no.

Two thoughts.

  1. *]Parents have a responsibility not to compel their children (at any age) to sin.
    *]Nothing you have said seems like a sin of omission to me.

    There has to be a solution that everyone involved can be happy with.
 
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
And if there’s any risk in the vicinity have them bring you to the door anyway.

You don’t have to tell her.

If she asks about it just say firmly that she should trust your judgment about who is safe to do this.

If she argues, just point out that you have said what you have said.

This is all provided that they are genuinely sympathetic. If in doubt about their attitude to your mum, you are still justified in having them drop you provided you really are sure they will keep you safe in yourself. If they argue with you about your mum, just ask them firmly not to, the deal is the lift, are they offering to give you a lift responsibly full stop.
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Yeah OP. This is good stuff too. So how about you do my advice first. And then if there are people left over use Vic’s. Or I mean do it the other way around. Because his advice is maybe better. I don’t know. Depends on your neighborhood I guess.

I mean just keep people on their toes and wondering what you’re up to. That’s the Trident way too.* :rolleyes:

*Disclaimer. This is not to be taken as serious advice.

-Peace Vic. You always say the right thing. Right after I’ve said something different. Next time you go first. 😉

-Trident
 
angell1 said:
is it deceptive to not mention something tha tyou know will upset someone?

for example, my mom doesn’t like people knowing where we live so she doesn’t me to accept rides from people.

she also doesn’t want me to tell people the real reason to not accept rides, she’d rather I lie because she thinks people will think it’s weird. which, it is, in all honestly. she’s just scared people will get jealous of our house or something.

sometimes i get stuck, I don’t want ot disrespect my mom because, her house, her rules.
I also don’t want to lie to friends or church acquaintances about something like this though and some people can be insistent on rides, especially if it’s dark or raining. and if I’m tired and don’t want to take the bus, well, why not if it’s on their way? also, my mom doesn’t drive, I would have ot call my dad but he works all day and is tired, I don’t want ot ask him all the time

so I let a friend from curch drive me a couple times, thought it ok because once, my parents were out of town, another time, I texted my dad to tell him and thought he would let my mom know, which usually does and sometimes, she agrees. when I got home though, found out he didn’t ask her. she asked if my dad picked me up and I said no, she then just assumed I came home on the bus and I didn’t say anything.

after that, I tried to not let people drive me anymore, I went to visit the same friend once and took the bus to her house. my mom then called and asked if the lady picked me up, which she hadn’t and then she reminded me again of her “house rule” and how I need her permission to tell people to drive me, which often, she doesn’t give. she also had a personal disagreement with this particular lady over something ridiculous so I just didn’t want the whole situation to blow up. I basically just said, yes I understand your rule and left it at that.

am I being disrespectful of my mom? am I sinning by omission by not mentioning that this happened in the past? if she finds out now, she will tell me tha ti lied to her which I didn’t do outrightly but I am letting her believe that the lady from church never drove me on her own assumption.

is it wrong to let someone believe something that is not true like this? do I just have to never accept rides again because of this crazy rule?

also, I am an adult but I still live at home, because people will usually ask how old I am

I’m just confused and feel trapped. should I just tell my mom everything and let her get angry at me?
Click to expand...
Angel, you’ve asked this question a number of times.

I am not sure why you keep asking it.

We have told you that you are not sinning. And furthermore, as an adult you do NOT have to obey such an edict by your mother. You can ask for transportation as you see fit.
 
UpUpAndAway said:
Okay, so your mom wants you to lie to other people but it’s not okay to lie to her? :ehh:

Uh, no.

Two thoughts.

  1. *]Parents have a responsibility not to compel their children (at any age) to sin.
    *]Nothing you have said seems like a sin of omission to me.

    There has to be a solution that everyone involved can be happy with.
Click to expand...

  1. ^^^This!
 
Trident H is right.

You’re living in your mother’s home. You have to respect her wishes.

He’s right about what you should tell people too.

What if you asked your mother not to rummage through your closet and she kept doing it anyway?

It’s the same thing. Her privacy must be respected; even if you don’t agree with the conditions - it’s not up to you to agree or disagree.

I’d say that Vic is the one telling you to lie! And to disrespect your mom. Two sins. The other way is no sin.

You keep asking because you wish something would change or someone would give you advice that would solve the whole problem. That isn’t going to happen; you’re going to have to accept your mom’s conditions.

Remember: Honor your mother and your father.

Her request might seem unreasonable but she has her reasons - probably the same ones you have in not wanting her to go through your closet - privacy.

Fran
 
frangiuliano115 said:
Trident H is right.

You’re living in your mother’s home. You have to respect her wishes.

He’s right about what you should tell people too.

What if you asked your mother not to rummage through your closet and she kept doing it anyway?

It’s the same thing. Her privacy must be respected; even if you don’t agree with the conditions - it’s not up to you to agree or disagree.

I’d say that Vic is the one telling you to lie! And to disrespect your mom. Two sins. The other way is no sin.

You keep asking because you wish something would change or someone would give you advice that would solve the whole problem. That isn’t going to happen; you’re going to have to accept your mom’s conditions.

Remember: Honor your mother and your father.

Her request might seem unreasonable but she has her reasons - probably the same ones you have in not wanting her to go through your closet - privacy.

Fran
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well, she does go through my stuff, not that it was the original question
 
1ke said:
Angel, you’ve asked this question a number of times.

I am not sure why you keep asking it.

We have told you that you are not sinning. And furthermore, as an adult you do NOT have to obey such an edict by your mother. You can ask for transportation as you see fit.
Click to expand...
I suppose because I have a guilty conscience and it keeps coming back to haunt me.

and it turns in to a whole “so you respect others more than me?” kind of argument.

she doesn’t see anything wrong with “white lies” unless she is the recipient, of course.

things have calmed down now, guess I still feel bad though. just delicate situations that are usually nonissues for most people
 
frangiuliano115 said:
Trident H is right.

You’re living in your mother’s home. You have to respect her wishes.

He’s right about what you should tell people too.

What if you asked your mother not to rummage through your closet and she kept doing it anyway?

It’s the same thing. Her privacy must be respected; even if you don’t agree with the conditions - it’s not up to you to agree or disagree.

I’d say that Vic is the one telling you to lie! And to disrespect your mom. Two sins. The other way is no sin.

You keep asking because you wish something would change or someone would give you advice that would solve the whole problem. That isn’t going to happen; you’re going to have to accept your mom’s conditions.

Remember: Honor your mother and your father.

Her request might seem unreasonable but she has her reasons - probably the same ones you have in not wanting her to go through your closet - privacy.

Fran
Click to expand...
Well OP. You heard Fran. And I mean Fran’s always got my vote on stuff. So she must be right here. Sorry Vic. Swapped you for Fran. I mean of course it’s not because she said I was right. Of course not. I mean that would be too obvious. No. Because you’ve all come to expect better from Trident these days. Right?

Well Ok. Maybe it sort of is because of that. And of course because I like Fran. But I like you too Vic. I mean I do. But Fran comes first in this. Sorry man. Hope you understand. I promise to stick with you in another thread though. Don’t want to get a reputation for being a quick change artist. Or something. 😉

Peace.

-Trident
 
the couple times I let it happen, I thought she was getting over it. and I honestly thought my dad was going ot tell her.

I wasn’t trying to disrespect her, sort of found out after the fact that she still had problems with it

didn’t want everything to blow up so I just didn’t bring it up
 
You are old enough to arrange your own transportation.
She’s never going to ask you to leave home because she doesn’t believe you can take care of yourself.
She’s manipulating you because of her own paranoia.
Get your rides where you can get them, especially if it’s late.
Yes, you ask this all the time. It’s time to stand up to mom.
You’re always upset that people treat you differently because of your blindness. But mom gets to ??? No, she should be all about working on independence for you. She’s not going to be there forever. You’ll have to start making your own life decision.
Peace.
 
angell1 said:
I suppose because I have a guilty conscience and it keeps coming back to haunt me.

and it turns in to a whole “so you respect others more than me?” kind of argument.

she doesn’t see anything wrong with “white lies” unless she is the recipient, of course.

things have calmed down now, guess I still feel bad though. just delicate situations that are usually nonissues for most people
Click to expand...
She bullies you.
You’re halfway through college.
I would not worry. Don’t lie. If you deal only in the truth, you will be fine, and she will have to come to terms with the fact that your are grown. Being disabled doesn’t give her a pass to bully you. I would remind her of something I heard once:
You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think about you once you realize how seldom they do.

Who cares if anyone knows where you live? No one cares. That’s reality.
People want to give you a ride because they like you and they want to be helpful. Nothing wrong with that.
 
pianistclare said:
You are old enough to arrange your own transportation.
She’s never going to ask you to leave home because she doesn’t believe you can take care of yourself.
She’s manipulating you because of her own paranoia.
Get your rides where you can get them, especially if it’s late.
Yes, you ask this all the time. It’s time to stand up to mom.
You’re always upset that people treat you differently because of your blindness. But mom gets to ??? No, she should be all about working on independence for you. She’s not going to be there forever. You’ll have to start making your own life decision.
Peace.
Click to expand...
well, interesting thing, she does support independence. she’s just relaly unstable herself so things can get crazy. just pray for her to get better. I mean it, she wasn’t always like this
 
angell1 said:
well, she does go through my stuff, not that it was the original question
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Angell1

I’m very sorry to hear you’re in this situation, which is not an easy one, and which no one here can understand fully.

I do think that two wrongs never made a right so even if your mom goes through your closet because of apparent problems, you should still do the right thing.

The stronger person (sounds like it’s you) always has to be supportive of the weaker person (sounds like it’s your mom).

We always speak of objective moral values in christianity. That means that they cannot be changed from situation to situation - that would be situational ethics, which we don’t believe in. So not respecting your mom’s wishes will be wrong and will cause more distress by the arguments that will ensue.

So it’s a tough situation. Unless your mom could get real help (which she might need) nothing is going to change and you’ll find that, in the end, we all have to accept what God has sent us.

Do the right thing.

God bless you and keep you strong
Fran
 
angell1 said:
well, interesting thing, she does support independence. she’s just relaly unstable herself so things can get crazy. just pray for her to get better. I mean it, she wasn’t always like this
Click to expand...
She probably fears you being gone. You should have a long sit down chat with her (calmly if she can manage it) and reassure her, that no matter where your career takes you, you will never be “out” of her life. It’s not clear how much you personally will be able to care for her in her very elderly years due to you own disability, but I think she believes that if you get other friends and other opportunities, she’s out.
Tell her that simply isn’t true. But she has to let you make your own decisions as a young woman. Something as benign as accepting a ride that’s offered is NOT a sign of betrayal. If she won’t listen, insist that she seek help. You’re an adult. She should be able to talk with you rationally about these things, If not, then there’s a way worse problem going on. I don’t think you’re really there yet.
Good luck.
 
Whilst not mentioning something is not lying, and whilst I’m sure your mum would want you to put your own safety first, while trusting your discretion that those bringing you aren’t “casing the joint”, I agree with Fran and Trident that it’s right to put your Mum’s wishes as high as you possibly can.

(Fran and Trident, no problem.)

Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blest art thou amongst women and blest is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
 
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