Is this inappropriate conversation? (Update on that married guy...)

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So I posted here a few weeks ago about being attracted to a married man that works with me. I appreciated all the feedback about me likely being attracted to the married state itself, and I agree with that. I used to feel content with being single but I have come to the point where I am looking toward having a husband, children, a white picket fence and all that. Anyway, so I have tried to take your advice and not obsess over this guy. Things were going okay until I had a conversation with him last week that has disturbed me since. So I wanted some (name removed by moderator)ut from some of the married ladies out there.

So, what happened is that I wound up alone in the workplace with him – I guess I’ll call him “Tom” – after everyone else had gone home. He was helping me deal with a computer program that I didn’t know how to use – I would have called the IT people but they’d gone home already as well. So after we took care of that we just started talking casually. He for some reason kept talking about his wife – I’ll call her “Linda”–, things like how they met, when they had gotten married, where they went on their honeymoon, etc. So I thought, ok, this is kinda sweet that he wants to talk about his wife, and I’m sure not finding it tempting at all, so I’ll just stick with the conversation.

Except that after a while I started to feel like he was telling me way too much about her, details about her childhood and stuff, even details of a medical condition she had. After a while I started thinking, gee, if I run into this woman (which is a real possibility, I’ve met her twice before), I am going to feel so awkward, knowing all this stuff about her, which I’m sure she’d have no idea I know.

So I told him,

“Hey, we could sit around and talk all night, but I don’t think ‘Linda’ would like that.”

His answer really floored me then, because he said, “It’s ok, she’s working tonight, so I’m on my own anyway.”

And then (most disturbingly) he said some stuff hinting that his wife worked nights so much that they didn’t have much time for, well, a certain marital activity that often takes place at night. (I hope this is an appropriate way to mention this topic?) It took me a bit to realize that is what he was talking about, and when I did I thought “okay, this is really WAY too much information”. And I made some excuses and left.

Hmm, I was going to ask the married ladies whether you’d be okay with your husbands talking about you in detail with a female co-worker like this, but now that I’ve typed this out I think it’s pretty obvious he was being completely inappropriate here. I don’t know why he did this. In the same conversation he told me I reminded him of his sister, so I don’t think he was hitting on me or anything. I never felt harassed or anything, just that I was hearing things best kept between husband and wife.

I guess the question is, what to do now? Other than stay as far as way from him as possible?

Sad thing is, this guy is Catholic, he talks about going to Mass, and he told me he and his wife met at a Catholic college, and it kinda disappointed me that he’d act this way. 😦
 
I am not a female… but I would like to offer advice:)

Marriage is a sacred covenant between a man and woman and Our Lord. It is not alwasy rosy and sometimes a married person confides in the WRONG person. It starts off as very innocent, no one intending on it to go “to far”, but sad to say this is what happens very easily. He needs to confide in his wife!!! You are not to blame, but you need to do what is right and tell him that you are uncomfortable. Even if the sitation feeld right… it isn’t. I am a happily married man, but trust me it takes prayer, work and a commitment to keep love alive and the marriage working and to steer clear of situations that can lead to infidelity.

Pray for him and his wife and then pray for your future husband, if it is God’s will you will meet him. And I promise it will be worth the wait!!!

God Bless You!!!
 
Don’t do something that you will regret for the rest of your life!

If this guy is having problems with his wife that’s between him, his wife and God!

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous.” (Heb 13:4)

“So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Mt 19:6).

**If you are lonely, pray to Jesus and find a single guy who is lonely too!!!
**
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark
 
I’m not married, but stay away from this guy! You are how affairs begin. Figuratively speaking. The more interested and accommodating you are, the more he invades your turf and gets you to thinking just as you are now. If not you, he will try another woman, and if he succeeds, then she is the home wrecker. I have no clue who this guy is, but I already don’t trust him!

Always find empathy! If you were Linda, and he behaved like this at work or elsewhere, how do you think you would feel? Even if he succeeded in leaving his wife for you, do you think you are safe? A woman who gets a man this way, somehow remains insecure for the rest of her life, for good reason. You will always feel he thinks people are expendable if he has opportunity to pursue elsewhere. There will never be trust in the beginning, during, and/or end of the relationship. He had no remorse doing that to his wife (who has a medical condition, no less), what makes you think he won’t do that to you? He could be breaking a lot of promises by leaving her for you, namely the vows he took in front of witnesses, no for better or worse, no for richer or poorer, no in sickness and in health…, shame on him!

I would not like being involved with a man I told my utmost secrets and hurtful past to, then to have them tell strangers, when that is to be held forever in a sacred relationship. This guy is a jerk, and is saying these things to make you feel sympathy for him and add to the fact that he obviously cares nothing for his wife or for marriage. Don’t do it, you could be next! Find someone in your same status situation. At least your guy was open about even being married, I don’t usually find out until months later (no worries, I never get too involved). 🙂
 
Im not married either but I was in the world for awile and I know the temptations out there.
If your single (and you dont have to take this advice) check out Ave Maria Singles.

I saw it on EWTN. Maybe there is someone special out there.

Im not promoting anything but if I were in a situation like this I would start thinking its time for marriage.

Your asking for trouble when they start talking like this. It means there are problems maybe in the marriage that need to be encountered.

Im no expert but I am 45 and have lived a little before coming back to the church after 18 years.

The world is a cold place to be unless you have the loving arms of Mother Church to guide one.

Love in Christ
brothers and sisters 👍
 
It sounds like this guy is lonely. He probably resents his wife working nights. It’s also possible that he has allowed his mind to wander in directions it shouldn’t. I would discourage even a friendship between you. There is too much temptation in the situation you described.

My ex had a female friend that he would confide in about me. The girl made it clear that they were just friends. She even babysat for us one night. It was an uncomfortable situation for me. She knew all my weaknesses and failings. He talked about her constantly, though. If she had not been an honest, upright person, it could have easily turned into something. I think the only thing that kept him from leaving me was that I was putting him through college.🤷 He talked about her for years after he graduated. :rolleyes: Then he found another pretty young woman to talk about.
 
***Hi there; 🙂

You will meet men like this ALL OF YOUR LIFE. I am 40, happily married, and I’m here to tell you…you will always encounter some “lonely” married guy who needs a shoulder to cry on. Happily married men don’t hang out with female coworkers chatting about their private marital matters with female coworkers. I think that it would most likely be best to just be polite during working hours, and not stay with him alone after work. Plus, does he realize that he is crossing the line a bit…talking about inappropriate things with a female coworker at work? :o I have no idea the state of his marriage, but typically, happily married men don’t talk about their wives in ways that are inappropriate…or disparaging. His wife is working to help out the family, most likely…not to be away from him. And even if that is the case, it’s not your issue to deal with…you’re not his wife. In a way, his display of inappropriateness has caused you to take a different look at him. We have no idea if things would ever progress, but affairs don’t start over night. They start with a man/woman’s tale of woe about their spouse…then, it turns into a ‘friendship,’ then it turns into attraction…then, after weeks months…an affair ensues. My sister dated a married man, helped to destroy a family. She cries still over it…the guilt that she has is so sad.

Thanks for sharing the update with us…Remember, his marital problems are not your issues …I think it sounds like you are viewing things differently now…good for you. Hope other things are going well for you. :)***
I
 
OLHope said:
I’m not married, but stay away from this guy! You are how affairs begin. Figuratively speaking. The more interested and accommodating you are, the more he invades your turf and gets you to thinking just as you are now. If not you, he will try another woman, and if he succeeds, then she is the home wrecker. I have no clue who this guy is, but I already don’t trust him!

Always find empathy! If you were Linda, and he behaved like this at work or elsewhere, how do you think you would feel? Even if he succeeded in leaving his wife for you, do you think you are safe? A woman who gets a man this way, somehow remains insecure for the rest of her life, for good reason. You will always feel he thinks people are expendable if he has opportunity to pursue elsewhere. There will never be trust in the beginning, during, and/or end of the relationship. He had no remorse doing that to his wife (who has a medical condition, no less), what makes you think he won’t do that to you? He could be breaking a lot of promises by leaving her for you, namely the vows he took in front of witnesses, no for better or worse, no for richer or poorer, no in sickness and in health…, shame on him!

I would not like being involved with a man I told my utmost secrets and hurtful past to, then to have them tell strangers, when that is to be held forever in a sacred relationship. This guy is a jerk, and is saying these things to make you feel sympathy for him and add to the fact that he obviously cares nothing for his wife or for marriage. Don’t do it, you could be next! Find someone in your same status situation. At least your guy was open about even being married, I don’t usually find out until months later (no worries, I never get too involved). 🙂
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***Amen to this post. Although, he hasn’t left his wife or is remotely talking about that…BUT THIS IS HOW IT STARTS. By luring someone in to their issues…how bad their wife/husband is…etc…All just a line.

Where’s Liberano? She always has such great advice too for subjects like this! :o***
 
Hi bibliophile
Sorry I am not a female but I have seen what is happening to you many times in the workplace as well as in the church. I know it is hard when you do have some feelings for someone but as a male I can tell you he can pick up on those feelings and use them to get what he wants. He sounds like a typical predator male who may be going through a hard time at home and is looking for the thrill of the chase. Be careful this sort of one on one can only lead to tears. I am sorry to be so negative , listen to the advice you are being given by some wonderful people. I Ask God to give you peace and strength, it is hard may God bless and give you an abundent life geoff
 
He was hitting on you.

The old “my wife does not understand me, does not have sex with me” is the OLDEST line in the book.

I promise you, you are not the first woman at work on whom he has used this line and it has WORKED in the past. Stay away from him, far away.
 
kage_ar said:
He was hitting on you.

The old “my wife does not understand me, does not have sex with me” is the OLDEST line in the book.

I promise you, you are not the first woman at work on whom he has used this line and it has WORKED in the past. Stay away from him, far away.
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:sad_yes: Yep.
 
whatevergirl said:
***but typically, happily married men don’t talk about their wives in ways that are inappropriate…or disparaging. ***I
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Agreed. 99% of the time I talk about my wife at work it’s positive, or about the family. I will, however, say there are times I have complained about something she said or did that day that made me angry, but it’s mainly to blow off steam at that particular moment.

Example situation: My wife took the kids to Wisconsin Dells (waterparks) a few weeks ago. Two weeks after that trip when she needed her suitcase for another trip, she hands it to me and says “oh, by the way, here’s the suitcase with all of our wet cloths.” Now I do the wash and that just burned me up.

I don’t think I have to tell many people how chlorinated swimsuits that are two weeks old looked and smelled (but I partially blamed myself for not noticing when I did the wash, since I thought “I wonder where the swimsuits are?”). And I did tell a few people at work “you won’t believe what my wife did…”

However, I do love her more then any other woman. And it may surprise people, but I have done (and still do) things that really annoy her too. So I know we both are good at that sometimes:)

So what I’m trying to say, is that I don’t see a problem with a married person on rare occassions talking about some problem or other for a short period of time just to run it by another person or blow of a little steam. However, that being said, this clearly went over the line. When you start talking about your sex life, that means you are thinking about sex, and when you are thinking about sex talking to another woman… Most medical problems are clearly out of bounds. In a whole, it seemed like he is trying to distance himself emotionally from his wife, especially for as long as this conversation seemed to go.
 
Here’s an idea - tell him you’ll pray for his marriage or find a brochure for an upcoming marriage encounter weekend and leave it on his desk - make it clear how much you (even as a single person) value and respect marriage. Then walk away - this is something you don’t need to be involved in, don’t be a third party in their relationship.
 
AHapka said:
Agreed. 99% of the time I talk about my wife at work it’s positive, or about the family. I will, however, say there are times I have complained about something she said or did that day that made me angry, but it’s mainly to blow off steam at that particular moment.

Example situation: My wife took the kids to Wisconsin Dells (waterparks) a few weeks ago. Two weeks after that trip when she needed her suitcase for another trip, she hands it to me and says “oh, by the way, here’s the suitcase with all of our wet cloths.” Now I do the wash and that just burned me up.

I don’t think I have to tell many people how chlorinated swimsuits that are two weeks old looked and smelled (but I partially blamed myself for not noticing when I did the wash, since I thought “I wonder where the swimsuits are?”). And I did tell a few people at work “you won’t believe what my wife did…”

However, I do love her more then any other woman. And it may surprise people, but I have done (and still do) things that really annoy her too. So I know we both are good at that sometimes:)

So what I’m trying to say, is that I don’t see a problem with a married person on rare occassions talking about some problem or other for a short period of time just to run it by another person or blow of a little steam. However, that being said, this clearly went over the line. When you start talking about your sex life, that means you are thinking about sex, and when you are thinking about sex talking to another woman… Most medical problems are clearly out of bounds. In a whole, it seemed like he is trying to distance himself emotionally from his wife, especially for as long as this conversation seemed to go.
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***Agreed. I doubt you’d be hanging out with a female coworker after hours, going on and on…lamenting about your wife. Lamenting about things that apparently made the OP a little uncomfortable. If you felt uncomfortable biblio…then, that is your gut telling you the conversation was inappropriate. Again happily married men don’t talk about their sex lives with women at work…they don’t.

You did the right thing by fleeing the moment. ***
 
bibliophile said:
So I posted here a few weeks ago about being attracted to a married man that works with me. I appreciated all the feedback about me likely being attracted to the married state itself, and I agree with that. I used to feel content with being single but I have come to the point where I am looking toward having a husband, children, a white picket fence and all that. Anyway, so I have tried to take your advice and not obsess over this guy. Things were going okay until I had a conversation with him last week that has disturbed me since. So I wanted some (name removed by moderator)ut from some of the married ladies out there.

So, what happened is that I wound up alone in the workplace with him – I guess I’ll call him “Tom” – after everyone else had gone home. He was helping me deal with a computer program that I didn’t know how to use – I would have called the IT people but they’d gone home already as well. So after we took care of that we just started talking casually. He for some reason kept talking about his wife – I’ll call her “Linda”–, things like how they met, when they had gotten married, where they went on their honeymoon, etc. So I thought, ok, this is kinda sweet that he wants to talk about his wife, and I’m sure not finding it tempting at all, so I’ll just stick with the conversation.

Except that after a while I started to feel like he was telling me way too much about her, details about her childhood and stuff, even details of a medical condition she had. After a while I started thinking, gee, if I run into this woman (which is a real possibility, I’ve met her twice before), I am going to feel so awkward, knowing all this stuff about her, which I’m sure she’d have no idea I know.

So I told him,

“Hey, we could sit around and talk all night, but I don’t think ‘Linda’ would like that.”

His answer really floored me then, because he said, “It’s ok, she’s working tonight, so I’m on my own anyway.”

And then (most disturbingly) he said some stuff hinting that his wife worked nights so much that they didn’t have much time for, well, a certain marital activity that often takes place at night. (I hope this is an appropriate way to mention this topic?) It took me a bit to realize that is what he was talking about, and when I did I thought “okay, this is really WAY too much information”. And I made some excuses and left.

Hmm, I was going to ask the married ladies whether you’d be okay with your husbands talking about you in detail with a female co-worker like this, but now that I’ve typed this out I think it’s pretty obvious he was being completely inappropriate here. I don’t know why he did this. In the same conversation he told me I reminded him of his sister, so I don’t think he was hitting on me or anything. I never felt harassed or anything, just that I was hearing things best kept between husband and wife.

I guess the question is, what to do now? Other than stay as far as way from him as possible?

Sad thing is, this guy is Catholic, he talks about going to Mass, and he told me he and his wife met at a Catholic college, and it kinda disappointed me that he’d act this way. 😦
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Run like heck away from that situation in your mind.
Go to another place to meet Catholic singles. Try Catholic Match online. There are forums like this one but dedicated to singles’ issues.

You can get good advice there, and what’s more, you will get your mind off this guy at work, and realize there are a great many good single Catholic men who plan to be faithful to their wife in the sacrament of marriage, who are just waiting to meet you.
 
sixofseven said:
Here’s an idea - tell him you’ll pray for his marriage or **find a brochure for an upcoming marriage encounter weekend and leave it on his desk **- make it clear how much you (even as a single person) value and respect marriage. Then walk away - this is something you don’t need to be involved in, don’t be a third party in their relationship.
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YES, I would totally do something like this!😃
 
sixofseven said:
Here’s an idea - tell him you’ll pray for his marriage or find a brochure for an upcoming marriage encounter weekend and leave it on his desk - make it clear how much you (even as a single person) value and respect marriage. Then walk away - this is something you don’t need to be involved in, don’t be a third party in their relationship.
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Good one sixof cheers geoff
 
People people. She did not say she was going after this man. Look at her post it talks about how she was disgusted by his behavior. Thats awesome for a women who only a while ago was interested in this man.

I concurr with everyone else. Try not to be alone with him if you can help it because it just could lead to something. If he starts talking about his wife and it gets too personal then tell him. Say hey i am just not comfortable with this conversation. If it continues then please talk to the HR department.
 
whatevergirl said:
***Hi there; 🙂

You will meet men like this ALL OF YOUR LIFE. I am 40, happily married, and I’m here to tell you…you will always encounter some “lonely” married guy who needs a shoulder to cry on. Happily married men don’t hang out with female coworkers chatting about their private marital matters with female coworkers. I think that it would most likely be best to just be polite during working hours, and not stay with him alone after work. Plus, does he realize that he is crossing the line a bit…talking about inappropriate things with a female coworker at work? :o I have no idea the state of his marriage, but typically, happily married men don’t talk about their wives in ways that are inappropriate…or disparaging. His wife is working to help out the family, most likely…not to be away from him. And even if that is the case, it’s not your issue to deal with…you’re not his wife. In a way, his display of inappropriateness has caused you to take a different look at him. We have no idea if things would ever progress, but affairs don’t start over night. They start with a man/woman’s tale of woe about their spouse…then, it turns into a ‘friendship,’ then it turns into attraction…then, after weeks months…an affair ensues. My sister dated a married man, helped to destroy a family. She cries still over it…the guilt that she has is so sad.

Thanks for sharing the update with us…Remember, his marital problems are not your issues …I think it sounds like you are viewing things differently now…good for you. Hope other things are going well for you. :)***
I
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Great points! YES, this guy is so inappropriate, it is obvious he is not happy, happiness in marriage is not always a constant, there can be pitfalls here and there, however things get bad, you just don’t bad talk or defame your wife to anyone, you just don’t do it…period. Women should not do that to their husbands either. The other very inappropriate thing was the direct focus in discussion to their intimacy, it seemed like an invitation for disaster. You did the right reactive thing by feeling squeemish and sliding out of work, however another woman could have reciprocated the advances and set that marriage ablaze. One way to help keep a married guy with a wandering eye in check is to be the smarter person and just keep helping his wife babysit him. Chances are pretty good he has other problems in this marriage. Best to just step aside and let them figure that out for themselves.
 
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