Is this just silly?

[Layp3rs0n]

My fiance and I broke up almost 4 years ago. One of the things that drove us apart was the fact that I refused use birth control in our future marriage. Though, admittedly there were other problems many of which were my fault. Here I am four years later, and I still miss her daily. She is engaged now and I remain single. I believe however that she may have left the Church, or seldom practices. I still care immensely for her. The thought of her dying in a state of apostasy frightens me terribly. Here is the thing, I have recently begun to consider if I should cease looking for a new companion, and all for the cross of loneliness in this life for her conversion. Though she no longer cares for me, I still feel un conditional charities towards her. If my being single all the days of my life could bring about her conversion and save her I am willing to do it. Is this foolish?

 

[EasterJoy]

No, it isn’t foolish, but it isn’t something to do rashly, either. Talk to your pastor or spiritual director about this. In the meantime, of course offering to take the sufferings that life sends as you a penance on behalf of someone in need of grace is not a vain thing to do. Sometimes I think being willing to suffer what we get is more laudable than looking for suffering to bring on ourselves.

I would urge you to consider that the Lord may yet have plans for you that will be anything but lonely, and not exclude the possibility out of hand that you are not alone in feeling lonely because you are faithful to the Church’s teachings. I think someone is probably praying to meet you. Be ready for that, OK? It won’t hurt your former girlfriend’s chances of repentance for you to find a vocation as someone else’s husband.

 

[AthenaC]

My fiance and I broke up almost 4 years ago. One of the things that drove us apart was the fact that I refused use birth control in our future marriage. Though, admittedly there were other problems many of which were my fault. Here I am four years later, and I still miss her daily. She is engaged now and I remain single. I believe however that she may have left the Church, or seldom practices. I still care immensely for her. The thought of her dying in a state of apostasy frightens me terribly. Here is the thing, I have recently begun to consider if I should cease looking for a new companion, and all for the cross of loneliness in this life for her conversion. Though she no longer cares for me, I still feel un conditional charities towards her. If my being single all the days of my life could bring about her conversion and save her I am willing to do it. Is this foolish?

EasterJoy’s thoughts are very wise, but I wanted to add - it seems whenever I “cease looking for a new companion”, one drops into my lap. So I wouldn’t preclude the possibility of being someone else’s husband.

 

[mdisse]

Its a GREAT idea, however id talk to maybe a few priests or spiritual directors

 

[Edmundus1581]

My advice is the same as the others - ask a priest. They are surprisingly insightful with these kind of things. There are possibly also some matters of the theology of penance here which are beyond most of us.

(And, those who know me here, would know that I try to avoid saying “Ask a priest” when I think it is something we can work out here).

If your parish has times when the confessional is fairly quiet, you could even ask when you’ve finished your confession. Just say “There wasn’t anyone else waiting, and I have a question for you on another matter.” So long as you keep it brief and too-the-point, he’ll probably be quite happy to take your question there.

And, I like what the others have said about this resolution possibly being the trigger for someone special coming into your own life!

 

[Irishmom2]

My fiance and I broke up almost 4 years ago. One of the things that drove us apart was the fact that I refused use birth control in our future marriage. Though, admittedly there were other problems many of which were my fault. Here I am four years later, and I still miss her daily. She is engaged now and I remain single. I believe however that she may have left the Church, or seldom practices. I still care immensely for her. The thought of her dying in a state of apostasy frightens me terribly. Here is the thing, I have recently begun to consider if I should cease looking for a new companion, and all for the cross of loneliness in this life for her conversion. Though she no longer cares for me, I still feel un conditional charities towards her. If my being single all the days of my life could bring about her conversion and save her I am willing to do it. Is this foolish?

I actually do think it is foolish. Whatever you had or didn’t have was 4 years ago. She has moved on, and so should you. Her conversion is not your responsibility. I do not think God put her in your life and then expects you to sacrifice your entire life for her conversion. I just don’t think that is how He works. I believe God has something better for you in mind. But first, you have to give her up and it doesn’t seem like you really have. 4 years later and you are still so attached to her? It is time to let go completely. I would suggest you talk to someone about your loss or at least get some books about dealing with loss. How can God show you His will if you refuse to be open to it because you are still looking at the past?

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Is this foolish?

It’s beyond foolish…it’s creepy.

I agree with the others. Talk to your priest. Today.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s beyond foolish…it’s creepy.

I agree with the others. Talk to your priest. Today.

He’s concerned for her immortal soul. His solution may be over the top, but it is not creepy. If he were not accepting that their relationship is over and that she no longer cares for him, that would be one thing, but he is doing penance on her behalf, not stalking her!

Still, your point is well-taken: Loneliness (rather than celibacy) implies self-imposed isolation, and that is* not* what baptism demands of us. It is against what baptism demands of us. Even hermits cannot safely isolate themselves from the world by closing off their hearts to affection from others. They don’t choose isolation from the souls of the world, but rather freedom from the noise and false glamours of the world in favor of solitude with the Lord. Big difference.

 

[Irishmom2]

If he were not accepting that their relationship is over and that she no longer cares for him, that would be one thing,

But do you think this is truly the case? I’m not so sure he is. It’s been 4 years and he seems to feel way more for her than most people do for their ex-es. I find what he wants to do really over the top.

 

[EasterJoy]

But do you think this is truly the case? I’m not so sure he is. It’s been 4 years and he seems to feel way more for her than most people do for their ex-es. I find what he wants to do really over the top.

I guess I saw it as the difference between being concerned over present circumstances and being concerned over eternal circumstances. It’s more like what you’re willing to do if you were to see an ex-boyfriend who is suicidal, you know? Yes, there are a lot of suicidal people in the world, but when it is someone you used to know well, you take it to heart differently, and that would even be true if you were happily married with children.

But yes, I don’t think he realizes what he’s asking of himself. I don’t question his motives or whether it is appropriate to be so concerned for an ex-girlfriend, but I do not think that looking to remain lonely is likely to be a redemptive sort of suffering. Choosing lifelong celibacy and choosing loneliness are not the same thing.

 

[PatriceA]

I think it would be better to consult a priest and discern what is your vocation in life. Whatever vocation or lot in life you are called to, you are called to it because you desire it. A vocation, even being single, should not be a self imposed cross to bear or a form of punishment for someone else’s conversion. I can’t imagine a priest advising you that this is a good idea.