Is this level of disclosure normal?

[Naztakuan]

Maybe I’m “weird” like people say. But I’m very private about many matters in my life. I may divulge information in confidence to a select few people that I trust, but other that, I am a private person who comes from a family that is also very private in their affairs. The strange thing is that I attract people’s confessions. People feel the need to divulge the darkest secrets of their souls. I am not exaggerating. A random man on the train actually caught himself when he realized he was doing this and apologized. I assured him that this happens all the time…because it does. Perhaps I have this aura of comfort or whatever…but it’s not something I enjoy namely because if I work or study with this person or see them regularly, it can potentially lower my opinion of them or make things awkward.On the plus side it allows me to put their dysfunction into context. I would rather be ignorant than know these things. I’m not a priest, i can offer no absolution to these people. I’m just a poor college kid.
The annoying half of this is the outright nosy and gossipy behavior of these people I work with. I find that I limit my conversation to discussing ideas rather than my personal life (it’s hell right now). So instead vicious comments are made and my business is spread( or fabricated). I don’t know how info about my sexual status got around since I told only two people who I "thought: I could trust. My body is my business which is why I don’t enjoy having discussions with these people about my personal life. One particularly vicious coworker at my part-time job is notorious for poking into peoples personal business. When she can’t find what she’s looking for (because I’m so private) she makes vicious comments about me being too weird and not having friends. Now why would I introduce someone like her to my friends? She tells me long vulgar stories about her sexual exploits AND sends me pornographic images to my phone at 1am. Why on earth would I want to introduce someone(she thinks we’re good friends )who advises me to engage in immoral behavior out of “normalcy” to friends who accept me as is. I may not be “normal” but I do have enough goodness and talent in me to make up for it I should think.

Whatever happened to privacy and being discreet? At least back in the day, if you were engaged in seedy behaviour, you’d hide it really well so as not to scandalize others…right? Or so I’ve been told. I live in the full disclosure era where people get on my case for not having a facebook or a twitter. What’s worse is people suddenly feel entitled to treat you a certain way. It’s crazy how I have to constantly tell the men NOT to put their hands on me. They think I’m crazy. One of the managers has this habit of punching me in the arm or putting his heavy hands on my shoulder. I nearly punched him back. I don’t like being touched, caressed or rubbed on by other people, especially men even if other women are okay with this, I am not. I don’t know what the proper way to handle people who can’t respect boundaries, physically or socially. If I refuse to engage in graphic conversations or allow myself to be felt up, I’m labeled as weird or uptight. Am I crazy?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

No idea what to do about people like the man on the train. You must have a very caring face or demeanor. Just pray for those people.

But for the co-worker with the nosy comments and porno pictures, I’d report her to the HR department at work or whatever the equivalent would be. That is just not acceptable behavior. Nothing to do with being private or more open–that is just going much too far!

There is nothing that says you have to share more than you are comfortable with, introduce co-workers to other friends, or listen to other people’s disclosures. Just say “whoa! TMI!” and change the subject or walk away. But for the one person you described, that probably won’t be enough and I would definitely say something to management about her making your work situation too uncomfortable.

 

[StrawberryJam]

Hire an attorney asap. If you are in a union, contact your union supervisor asap. Above all, document, document and document.

 

[Mintaka]

You must have something gentle and nonthreatening about you. Some people respond by relaxing with you and disclosing their secrets.

But your coworkers are responding by harassing you, or gossiping. Some people may just be afflicted with a faulty sense of humor or the inability to keep their mouths shut, of course; but this does sound mean.

Is there anyone at work who seems… sane and dignified? Someone older and wiser, who can give you advice on how to fit in without getting into this unprofessional behavior?

If not, you might want to talk to a manager about how the work environment sometimes is uncomfortable.

You also might want to look for another job, because this unprofessional environment can’t be good for productivity.

 

[StrawberryJam]

I find what you described to be simply intolerable on top of illegal. I don’t care if it is “sometimes” I care that it is offensive, disgusting and illegal.

Your being christian does not mean you must be a doormat or think of this as suffering you must endure.

 

[purplesunshine]

I’m a manager so let me answer these:

1. Touching never, never, never ok. If someone is a “repeat offender” they should be reported immediately. However, if you work in a large office and these are different people then there’s not much you can do but constantly remind people you don’t like to be touched.
2. there’s an old show called “Dead Like Me”…long story short the girl is a grim reaper living among the living. This isn’t the line I was looking for but it is one similar…anyway…Rube is her mentor, George just stole a picture, “Happy Time” is the workplace.

RUBE: Would you like to enlighten me as to the point of the picture?
GEORGE: Everybody else has pictures on their desks. At Happy Time. I don’t. I just want Delores off my case. She says I don’t fit in.
RUBE: Delores is right.
GEORGE: I don’t wanna fit in. I just don’t wanna stand out.

By not sharing and by holding back you’re making yourself a target.

Share a few things that you can. Do you have a pet? Come up with pet antics. Do you have cousins/siblings? Come up with funny stories. Do you like nature? Talk about the black-footed warbler. Do you play video games? talk about them. Even if your life is hell come up with funny and boring stories. People will leave you alone soon enough. People don’t care for the boring. As far as Facebook and Twitter…easy answer…“I’m in college and work, I don’t have time.” Also good for deferring questions, “I plan on leaving when I graduate (or whenever you plan on leaving).”

I went through a very rough time in college. I worked two jobs, went to six classes, had a tutor, tutored, did acting gigs and was a part of 4 clubs. Often not even my roommate (who was my roommate for all 4 years) knew what was going on. I gave away just enough to keep people at a distance. No one CARES about a boring person.

1. Don’t be afraid to tell them you can’t be there/they should look for professional help. But no matter what if people trust you take it to God. Not only in your head but speak it out loud to them. Tell them you’ll pray for them or with them. If they’re looking for a friend and are willing to pray ask God for help and if this is where He wants you to be.
2. Non-managers should not have your contact info. Period. If co-workers need you to cover a shift, etc. TOO BAD. Unless this was part of your contract any person who isn’t your direct supervisor shouldn’t have your number. Call your phone provider immediately and have the number blocked. If your co-worker asks say that you installed a family safe filter on your phone that blocks offending numbers. Now…there’s really no such gadget/app but you’re acting as the filter so its not really a lie.
3. Realize your managers are responsible for their employees ONLY. They cannot control clients or any other persons. I have faced several difficult situations with my employees where clients/customers were being profane, disgusting, hitting on them, touching them…etc. There was nothing we could do except equip them with some tactics…we cannot change (or even correct) our customers, especially since ours walk in off the street. If one is really bad we can call the police/threaten to call…but it has to be BAD.
4. Seek professional counseling. If your life is “a living hell” you should be entitled to free counseling either through your school, the Catholic Church or your county. Work with financial aid, legal aid and others to get you out of your situation. Only you can change your life…and others are willing to help. Realize that those in super-stressful situations often over-react to normal life difficulties in an over-the-the top way.