Is this level of immodesty a grave matter?

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kat510

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Hello,

I just have a question regarding modesty. My boyfriend was visiting me recently (he lives a few hours away). He stays with me and my family at our house in the basement (we’re in separate rooms).
Now almost every morning I went down and gave him a morning hug and kiss and sometimes cuddle him for a while. I know a lot of the time I wasn’t wearing a bra when I did that because I was still in my pj’s and that’s what I’m feeling guilty about. I didn’t not put one on with the intention of arousing him or anything, I was just too lazy to put one on or I didn’t really think we’d have much contact so it wouldn’t matter.

I’m pretty sure that I committed a sin of immodesty/laziness, but I’m not sure if this would be a mortal sin or not. Deep down, I don;t really feel like it is mortal because I honestly never thought much into it and didn’t have any bad intentions, but as I was with him I knew I should have went and put one on or something and that’s where the guilt is coming from.

I’d really appreciate some advice on this!
 
How modest are your pajamas? If They cover most of your body and they are loose fitting, I couldn’t see how this could be sinful matter. And no, not taking the time to put on a bra in this situation would not be a sin.
 
The pj’s I wear are really loose - just an over-sized t-shirt and pants. Thanks for the reply
 
**If you are concerned about this instance being immodest then no matter what the answer is in this forum - refrain from repeating it.

There was a level of questioning for a reason…today loose fitting PJ’s then on to what. When the desire to keep modesty is present - the best response is to keep modesty.

Since you are questioning this particular situation take it as the lightbulb of your conscience. Was it grave - probably not…could it be clearly yes.**
 
jmjconder said:
**
Since you are questioning this particular situation take it as the lightbulb of your conscience. **
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I agree with jmjconder. It sounds to me like it you are trying to justify what you did and why. If you have to justify your actions, then perhaps your conscience is telling you that there is a problem with said action. I would suggest that you confess this and in the future put on a bra.
 
I don’t know how old you and your boyfriend are, but if you are still living at your parents’ then I will assume you are fairly young.

If it is unavoidable that your boyfriend stay in your house on occasion, then so be it. It is not an ideal situation. It looks unwholesome to the community and to your friends. And it lends itself to situations of close proximation to mortal sin, which is what you are experiencing. If the boyfriend is to continue spending the night there, you need to work out some strict rules of engagement that will protect your modesty and guard you both against the temptation to go further than allowed by your state in life.

There will be plenty of time in your future married life to kiss and cuddle each other. There is nothing wrong now with affectionate activity, but you must take concrete steps to ensure that it does not lead you to unwarranted arousal or impure thoughts. One very effective way to do this is to ensure that both of you are fully dressed when you encounter each other in the house. You should not even be laying eyes on each other if you could not go out and buy a cup of coffee in the clothes you are wearing. While your boyfriend is staying with you, you should consider yourself as brother and sister and be respectful of each other’s feelings. It may be the case that one of you is not bothered or tempted by your activity while the other one may be deeply struggling and tormented by the temptation to sin.

You should both respond willingly to each other’s needs for companionship with suitable opportunities for platonic activities that foster a deeper bond of friendship and do not compromise your modesty. Take the time to play a board game with him, or go to a park and enjoy a walk in the fresh air. There are all kinds of ways to strengthen your relationship now that will only enhance your respect for each other and reap rewards after you are married and enjoy the act of self-giving in its fullness.

I am sorry if the above sounds overly strict or prudish. I am speaking to you not from a position of authority or superiority, but rather as one who has been through relationships with women and can understand the temptations and consequences. In my time away from the church, I lived a life of sexual promiscuity and cohabitation as a serial monogamist. I regularly felt great guilt for what I was doing, but deprived of the sacraments, I did not have the grace to avoid it. Put your trust in God and the sacraments of His Church. Seek out your pastor and/or your confessor and make conversation with them a regular part of your life. It goes without saying that you should attend Mass and confession regularly. And above all, don’t rush things. You are young with your whole life before you; there is plenty of time to enjoy your freedom now and enjoy the company of your friends and your parents while you have them. If you marry your boyfriend, there is plenty to look forward to in your years of married life. Stay true to yourself and your state in life and you will do fine.
 
You’re doing fine. The fact that you are questioning your actions shows that you are a moral person. In the future, you will probably feel more comfortable by taking the time to put a bra on. That said, I cannot understand why we think not wearing a bra is a sin in and of itself. I mean deliberately not wearing one under tight and/or sheer clothing is clearly immodest, but I don’t agree (with the right outfit, of course) that it is a religious requirement for a woman to wear one.
 
Thanks for all the advice, everyone! I still am pretty young - I’m in college now - so I’m still figuring these things out. Today at mass I realized that I overlooked this whole thing and I wanted to get some opinions on it before receiving Communion. It’s definitely not something that I was or am going to continue.
 
kat510 said:
Hello,

I just have a question regarding modesty. My boyfriend was visiting me recently (he lives a few hours away). He stays with me and my family at our house in the basement (we’re in separate rooms).
Now almost every morning I went down and gave him a morning hug and kiss and sometimes cuddle him for a while. I know a lot of the time I wasn’t wearing a bra when I did that because I was still in my pj’s and that’s what I’m feeling guilty about. I didn’t not put one on with the intention of arousing him or anything, I was just too lazy to put one on or I didn’t really think we’d have much contact so it wouldn’t matter.

I’m pretty sure that I committed a sin of immodesty/laziness, but I’m not sure if this would be a mortal sin or not. Deep down, I don;t really feel like it is mortal because I honestly never thought much into it and didn’t have any bad intentions, but as I was with him I knew I should have went and put one on or something and that’s where the guilt is coming from.

I’d really appreciate some advice on this!
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t beet yourself up about it, it was an honest mistake but as you can see your night things are really sort of underwear and it’s probably not appropriate to hug & kiss your boyfriend without being a little more ‘covered’ - either bra etc or a robe over the top.
 
I think you need to reassess going down in the basement with him alone. These are his sleeping quarters. He should not be going up to your bedroom to greet and cuddle with you in his PJs either.

Put on clothes, both of you, and meet and greet at the breakfast table, in the kitchen, in the living room, with others. Not alone in the basement.
 
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