S
sunnysun
Guest
Hello,
please forgive me in advance for such a long message. You guys are the first people that I am opening to.
I am struggling in my marriage again and I’m not sure where to go (I’ll explain why).
I have posted in the forum before when I was struggling to decide what to do with my family after I found out about my husband’s affair. My decision was to stay put until things settle and we got counseling and later I decided it was better for me to forgive for a few reasons. 1. It made me go through pain and love through it. 2. I kept the family together for the sake of the kids. 3. I still loved my husband and 4. He stopped his affair and began to show remorse.
Time has passed, I did develop PTSD (mentioned in another post), I got involved more in church (I’m a Catechist), and slowly saw one kid off to college and the other in boarding school. Throughout this time my husband got involved in church as well just to follow and show me he meant to be with us. He really has never been one on believing in God and admits to not being able to see, feel, want to have to learn more about God. He says “I know he’s there but that’s about it”. I don’t push on the subject and do more of “lead by example”.
We have had our ups and downs and I might get flashbacks but nothing I can’t control. My husband in the other hand has had many issues with his family, is very strong in character and stubborn and has unresolved issues with his family which affects our marriage even though he says he is everything under control (he likes control).
Unfortunately yesterday as we were going out I thought I had lost my charger to later find he had taken it (chargers are an issue in my house because he takes everybody’s chargers and looses them and have had to replace many), anyways I told him to please tell me next time he has it so I don’t go nuts looking for it.
Well, His response was so out of control as if I had “cheated” on him that I could not believe it. I stayed quiet and told him I did not want to argue and he went on with rage. I left the area and later came back and asked if we were going to talk about it (since it was so stupid) and his answered yelling and did not want to talk.
Fast forward an hour or two, I was in the bedroom with the intention of “I’m not going to argue today”. He came in into the room and asked to talk. He began to say how insulted he was that I said “don’t take my charger without telling me” and began to attack me with words.
I told him several times that I did not want to fight and he kept on pushing and saying hurtful things. I began to not feel well and told him I felt like I was going to loose my mind and to please leave me alone. He began to yell “this is your fault”, you need to own this, confront it, this is all your fault! And I need an apology!
He kept on screaming and I said I needed to leave. He told me he was leaving and threw the door and left me in the room.
At that point I was feeling like my mind was going to blow up, I have NEVER experience rage/upset and panicky at the same time (besides when I found out about the affair). I told him I was loosing my mind and he kept on screaming “let it out”, “that’s what I’m looking for”, “let it out” and I beg him to stop but he kept yelling the same and I yelled back that it was his fault my mind was not the same and I was loosing my mind and he followed me towards the bedroom screaming at me “let it out”, “there’s the reaction” and the rest is a blur. He kept on screaming at me and I lost control of my body (as if I was not in me) and threw a candle vase on the floor to make him stop.
I began to have a panic attack, locked myself in the room and cried I don’t know for how long. I still don’t know how it got like that. and I can’t explain why was such a small issue turned huge. I felt and feel emotionally abused.
I’ve been wrecking my brain wondering who can help me spiritually. Because we are both involved with the church and the priest loves his doctor (my husband) I don’t want to talk about him. The rest of the people are so impressed and love to have a doctor so involved and I feel like I would be “muddying the waters” for him and make him look bad in front on people that look up to him. My husband is a very successful doctor, and people admire him a lot. He is not a horrible person and I do t want to make him look bad among them.
Where do I go then? If we are so involved that I don’t know where to turn? I don’t think my husband would be willing to talk to anybody at church and he said no to a counselor before.
Is this my cross? I thought I gave all of me before and throughout all these years and even though I do not want to end this marriage, how do I know I either keep carrying or leave this.
I went to the blessed sacrament today and prayed the rosary in hope to be enlightened. I know things don’t happen magically. I honestly don’t know how to carry this cross of it is for me to carry.
Any (name removed by moderator)ut, prayer, help would be most appreciated.
God bless,
Sunny
please forgive me in advance for such a long message. You guys are the first people that I am opening to.
I am struggling in my marriage again and I’m not sure where to go (I’ll explain why).
I have posted in the forum before when I was struggling to decide what to do with my family after I found out about my husband’s affair. My decision was to stay put until things settle and we got counseling and later I decided it was better for me to forgive for a few reasons. 1. It made me go through pain and love through it. 2. I kept the family together for the sake of the kids. 3. I still loved my husband and 4. He stopped his affair and began to show remorse.
Time has passed, I did develop PTSD (mentioned in another post), I got involved more in church (I’m a Catechist), and slowly saw one kid off to college and the other in boarding school. Throughout this time my husband got involved in church as well just to follow and show me he meant to be with us. He really has never been one on believing in God and admits to not being able to see, feel, want to have to learn more about God. He says “I know he’s there but that’s about it”. I don’t push on the subject and do more of “lead by example”.
We have had our ups and downs and I might get flashbacks but nothing I can’t control. My husband in the other hand has had many issues with his family, is very strong in character and stubborn and has unresolved issues with his family which affects our marriage even though he says he is everything under control (he likes control).
Unfortunately yesterday as we were going out I thought I had lost my charger to later find he had taken it (chargers are an issue in my house because he takes everybody’s chargers and looses them and have had to replace many), anyways I told him to please tell me next time he has it so I don’t go nuts looking for it.
Well, His response was so out of control as if I had “cheated” on him that I could not believe it. I stayed quiet and told him I did not want to argue and he went on with rage. I left the area and later came back and asked if we were going to talk about it (since it was so stupid) and his answered yelling and did not want to talk.
Fast forward an hour or two, I was in the bedroom with the intention of “I’m not going to argue today”. He came in into the room and asked to talk. He began to say how insulted he was that I said “don’t take my charger without telling me” and began to attack me with words.
I told him several times that I did not want to fight and he kept on pushing and saying hurtful things. I began to not feel well and told him I felt like I was going to loose my mind and to please leave me alone. He began to yell “this is your fault”, you need to own this, confront it, this is all your fault! And I need an apology!
He kept on screaming and I said I needed to leave. He told me he was leaving and threw the door and left me in the room.
At that point I was feeling like my mind was going to blow up, I have NEVER experience rage/upset and panicky at the same time (besides when I found out about the affair). I told him I was loosing my mind and he kept on screaming “let it out”, “that’s what I’m looking for”, “let it out” and I beg him to stop but he kept yelling the same and I yelled back that it was his fault my mind was not the same and I was loosing my mind and he followed me towards the bedroom screaming at me “let it out”, “there’s the reaction” and the rest is a blur. He kept on screaming at me and I lost control of my body (as if I was not in me) and threw a candle vase on the floor to make him stop.
I began to have a panic attack, locked myself in the room and cried I don’t know for how long. I still don’t know how it got like that. and I can’t explain why was such a small issue turned huge. I felt and feel emotionally abused.
I’ve been wrecking my brain wondering who can help me spiritually. Because we are both involved with the church and the priest loves his doctor (my husband) I don’t want to talk about him. The rest of the people are so impressed and love to have a doctor so involved and I feel like I would be “muddying the waters” for him and make him look bad in front on people that look up to him. My husband is a very successful doctor, and people admire him a lot. He is not a horrible person and I do t want to make him look bad among them.
Where do I go then? If we are so involved that I don’t know where to turn? I don’t think my husband would be willing to talk to anybody at church and he said no to a counselor before.
Is this my cross? I thought I gave all of me before and throughout all these years and even though I do not want to end this marriage, how do I know I either keep carrying or leave this.
I went to the blessed sacrament today and prayed the rosary in hope to be enlightened. I know things don’t happen magically. I honestly don’t know how to carry this cross of it is for me to carry.
Any (name removed by moderator)ut, prayer, help would be most appreciated.
God bless,
Sunny