Is this my OCD acting up, or is it "real"?

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Kathrin

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Hello everybody, you wonderful people, you are the ones who might maybe give me some insight here.🤷

I have posted here before; I am a street musician and live on a very meager budget; I do believe in sharing though and so quite often I give something to other musicians and beggars.

I also am on medication for OCD (obsesive-compulsive disorder), and it helps a lot, but every once in a while obsessive thoughts break through, mostly as exaggerated scrupulosity, and make it difficult sometimes to discenr what is my faith speaking and what is “compulsive”.

Now todays’s situation, that is on my mind right now: I saw a woman selling a street paper and I KIND OF felt inspired to buy one from her, as just before as I had been singing my songs somebody had given me exactly that amount. Then I thought, hm, she doesn’t look too bad off, maybe I should not just give to everybody. And those particular papers aren’t all that cheap either.
So I asked her how it was going, and she said something like, “oh, quite well, I am content”. So I thought she didn’t really need me to buy a paper, and I just handed her some smaller change instead. She seemed to understand.

For some reason though I felt guilty. I want to be a sharing person. because even when I share, God always provides again. ESPECIALLY when I share, though. Well, I did share with her. And obviously I can’t give to EVERYbody, so since she said she was ok, I shouldn’t feel guilty, right?

Well, later I was playing my guitar and singing again, and I was still thinking about it a bit. And I wasn’t sure what God wanted me to do, or would have wanted me to do. I almost felt compelled to go back and look for the woman, even though that was two stops away on the train and well out of my way and would have taken probably about half an hour and then another half hour back.

Abyway, so I had this thought, just when an elderly woman walked by. I told myself, if this woman gives me something, that is a sign that I did it wrong.
The woman stopped and dropped a coin in my hat.

Well. Thought-wise I am kind of where I tell ymself: The street paper woman was ok, she didn’t need ME especially to buy a paper from ehr today. But then I remember this “sign”. Now my question to you is mostly: What would you do or think? Would you say God speaks to us through such “signs”? (I tried it again later and the “answer” was different), or is this OCD and/or harmful supersticion?

Argh. Maybe you just think I am nuts. Well, maybe I am. But still. Opinions needed?🤷

Kathrin
 
hello fellow friend with OCD! i thought i was the only one here with OCD!! nice to meet you!!👍

i think you need to not worry about it. of course, telling someone with OCD to not worry is impossible because we do it anyways.:rolleyes:

iam glad your on meds, i can’t take them because it effects my heart. so, i pray alot. your like me, alot. in the respect where you feel guilty about not giving her enough. it effects me the same way.

however, i pray and then the feeling goes away. don’t ruminate on it. that is only going to make it worse.

you did what you felt was right at the time. let it go at that. and if it borthers you again, offer it up to Jesus. offering it up to Jesus for me as an OCD patient is really helpful! it really does help me alot!!
 
Hey, thanks for replying! And nice to meet you too!
Yes, praying helps. Helps a lot. Sometimes I get such a feeling of comfort.

I have told myself many times not to ask for such “signs”, I don’t think it is right?
Anyway I still don’t quite know whether I should go back maybe tomorrow and look for her… or not… If it is OCD, it is not good if I follow the complusion. And it is WAY out of my way. But if God really gave me a sign?

Argh. Maybe I should just pray some more about it and see what i REALLY feel God wants me to do.
 
Kathrin said:
I have told myself many times not to ask for such “signs”, I don’t think it is right?
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It’s impossible to interpret such, “signs.” In the first place, it may be pure coincidence. For instance, as a street musician, is it so odd that people drop money in your hat? What if as I walked into classes, I said to myself, “Oh God, if my professor says we have a test, it means I’ve sinned against you.” :rolleyes: You’re right, it might be a bit superstitious.

Besides, even authentic revelations and signs from God are often misinterpreted by the people that receive them. St. John of the Cross discusses this at length in the Ascent of Mount Carmel.

Lastly, as St. John also discusses, the path to spiritual perfection involves forsaking all revelations, visions and locutions from God. 🙂

-Rob

P.S. Yes, I think you are making too big of a deal out of this-- I highly doubt you sinned. Perhaps it would have been a more perfect path to give this woman more, but that doesn’t mean the path you took was a bad one. Always remember, as per what Jesus said to Martha and Mary-- our faith is not a faith of fear and anxiety. If you have trouble with OCD and scrupulosity then you need to take issues of the faith an an angle opposite that of other people. God bless.
 
Kathrin said:
Hey, thanks for replying! And nice to meet you too!
Yes, praying helps. Helps a lot. Sometimes I get such a feeling of comfort.

I have told myself many times not to ask for such “signs”, I don’t think it is right?
Anyway I still don’t quite know whether I should go back maybe tomorrow and look for her… or not… If it is OCD, it is not good if I follow the complusion. And it is WAY out of my way. But if God really gave me a sign?

Argh. Maybe I should just pray some more about it and see what i REALLY feel God wants me to do.
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going back would be like acting on a compulsion. i know because that is what i would do. i would feel compelled to go back. we who have OCD feel strong compulsions, and when we act on those compulsions it makes us feel “right”. when we don’t give in to them, we feel anxious. the compulsions make us feel “relief”.

the thing is, don’t give in to your compulsions. fight them. i do. it is very hard for me to fight them but i fight them alright. i cannot do this without God’s help.

we know it doesn’t make sense for us to go back, we see the logic of it, but the impulse is to go back. in order for us to not give in to the impulse, we have to fight to not give in to it. don’t go back, and trust in Jesus. say, Jesus I trust in You!

when you fight the impulse to go back, your compulsive behavior lessens. you have over come it. this is not an easy thing to do for people who have OCD. that is why i wish i was physically capable of taking anti depressent medications. there was one drug that truly benefited me, and i can’t take it because of my heart. that is too bad because it had an incredible impact on my OCD.

at any rate, i fight my OCD. i don’t let it rule my life. its not easy to fight it, because the compulsive behavior is very strong in me. my obsessions are also very strong. for instance, iam an obessive worrier. i feel like i have to call my hubby and my family and see if they are okay, and i feel like if i don’t see if they are okay, and something bad happens to them, then iam going to feel terrible for not seeing if they are okay.

even though i don’t have control over what happens to anyone, i cannot fight the compulsion to worry about people i care about at times. i know it is illogical to always worry about this and that, but it is not good also to dwell on it and give in to the compulsive behavior by phoning hubby when he is not at homeand working, and by calling my family.

if i don’t call them, i feel intense irritation and i worry. its not thati love to chit chat on the phone so much, it is worry. i love my hubby and family very dearly, and to think of not being able to speak to them terrifies me. its a deep seated compulsion believe me. whenever i get close to someone, i worry about them. i will call to see if they are okay. at least once a week. if i don’t make that call, then i feel guilt.

so not giving in to that compulsive behavior is hard, but when you unlearn it, then you learn to control it. i don’t call my hubby or family as often as i used to. i had to learn skills that enabled me to fight my compulsive behavior and my obsessive worrying.

God has given me the strength to fight it, and to keep on fighting it. He is great indeed!!! I ask you, as a fellow friend with OCD, when you feel a compulsive urge come on, say immediately, Jesus I trust in You! do you know how many times that has helped me fight successfully my obsessions and compulsions?
if i had meds, i could fight it even better!👍
 
This board is a blessing.
Thank you, “Traditional Cath”, and thank you Rob, for your replies.
Rob, thank you for the insights on the “signs” question. I feel in my heart that what you say makes a lot of sense.
And Traditional, thank you so much for sharing about your own OCD experience. Yes, I know that about the unlearning. (Guess what, I even have a BA in psych, ha ha). A therapist I once had explained that to me very well too. And it gets easier every time.
And the medication does help, it really does. At first it was amazing! See I had a time where I would sit on the bus or next to somebody in a car practically with my eyes closed because it caused so much anxiety to look outside - I might see something to obsess over etc. It really had an impact on my life, and it made me sad, walking around trying not to see things…😦
So now the things that I still have sometimes, they are kind of bearable.😉 Just, as I said, sometimes (and especially during times of stress I think) an obsession still clutches on to my brain and once I get it started… argh. You know what I mean.😉

I have a very strong faith too. And when the two (faith and OCD) get intermingled, that is maybe when I still have the most problems. Because I want to be a good Christian. But good from the heart. And it DOES feel different if I do something from the heart or by compulsion. Doing something from the heart feels so good. Compulsive stuff causes anxiety, and tends to feel kind of wrong.

I did what you said, I said “I trust in you Jesus”, I said it aloud. With a smile on my lips, feeling blessed.

Kathrin
 
Kathrin said:
This board is a blessing.
Thank you, “Traditional Cath”, and thank you Rob, for your replies.
Rob, thank you for the insights on the “signs” question. I feel in my heart that what you say makes a lot of sense.
And Traditional, thank you so much for sharing about your own OCD experience. Yes, I know that about the unlearning. (Guess what, I even have a BA in psych, ha ha). A therapist I once had explained that to me very well too. And it gets easier every time.
And the medication does help, it really does. At first it was amazing! See I had a time where I would sit on the bus or next to somebody in a car practically with my eyes closed because it caused so much anxiety to look outside - I might see something to obsess over etc. It really had an impact on my life, and it made me sad, walking around trying not to see things…😦
So now the things that I still have sometimes, they are kind of bearable.😉 Just, as I said, sometimes (and especially during times of stress I think) an obsession still clutches on to my brain and once I get it started… argh. You know what I mean.😉

I have a very strong faith too. And when the two (faith and OCD) get intermingled, that is maybe when I still have the most problems. Because I want to be a good Christian. But good from the heart. And it DOES feel different if I do something from the heart or by compulsion. Doing something from the heart feels so good. Compulsive stuff causes anxiety, and tends to feel kind of wrong.

I did what you said, I said “I trust in you Jesus”, I said it aloud. With a smile on my lips, feeling blessed.

Kathrin
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we are blessed abundantly when we say, Jesus I trust in You!
i think your a very fine Christian indeed:)👍
 
Traditional…
I love that you are a street musician! Busking is a tough way to make a living, but it is also a way to bring pleasure into people’s lives. So thanks for the work you do. I admire that you want to share what little you have, too.
But since you do have so little, I would suggest that you give when it is apparent that someone is in need, but not just because they happen to cross your path. Don’t let yourself feel guilty for not giving or for not giving more. Know that God is aware of your generous spirit. But He expects the rest of us to be charitable, too, so it is not all on *your *shoulders. Maybe the next time that you are haunted by the compulsive fear that you did not give enough, what you can do at that moment is PRAY for the person you are concerned about, and then pray for yourself to be able to “let it go.”
God bless you!🙂
 
Thanks, Diana. 🙂
Yes I do that often. Just pray for somebody if I don’t know how else to help.

Things here turned out a bit different today.
I was planning on working in my uncle’s garden a bit in the afternoon (he pays me a bit for it, and it’s a nice change from singing and playing), but then he called me to better not come today.
So I decided to play music again where I had played yesterday - close to where that woman is. So I DID go see if she was there. And she was. And I bought a paper from her. Just too many “signs” now that it may have been the right thing, maybe…
Anyway just a street further down or so there was another guy selling the street paper. Ha, that was probably God showing me OF COURSE I cannot do it all… I smiled hi at that guy but didn’t buy the paper from him as well.
Then I played some more music and did quite well.

And yes, it IS a joy sometimes. Sometimes I feel so much joy when I sing. And I make up new songs on the go, feel really inspired sometimes.🙂

Traditional Cath - somebody pointed out the “ten commandments for the scrupulous” to me. Ever read those??👍

Kathrin
 
Kathrin, I was unable to keep a job until I read the book " Brain Lock". This book changed my life. You must understand that OCD is the great " doubting disease". OCD will have you thinking your going to hell no matter how good a person you really are. Brain Lock was written by Dr. Jeffrey M, Schwartz M.D. from U.C.L.A. and their research on OCD. In this book there is a story about a Catholic man who came to see Dr. Schwartz because when he would go to church his mind would call the Virgin Mary a ***** and his OCD would call the Holy Water, “**** water”. You can imagine the guilt this would reek on a sensitive good hearted Christian young man. But God understands that OCD is causing these thoughts and so he forgives US. This book tells us the reasons why are brains get stuck i.e. the Caudette Nucleus, etc. This book will give you the edge you need in your fight!
 
Kathrin, I think very few people are like you. I think you are wonderfully sensitive and I’m guessing that is because you feel deeply for people and have lived a deep life. I can’t say anything about OCD because I don’t know anything about it .

I think you did give to this woman, you talked to her and how many people actually stop and have a chat with her? There are many ways of giving and it doesn’t have to be money and seeing as you have very little money yourself, you should keep most of this money to make sure you have a home, food, heat etc the necessities of life. I think what you did was the ‘better part’; you asked the woman how she was and I can’t imagine too many people do that for this woman. Now I know why you asked how she was getting on but listen to what she said back to you, just the fact that you approached her and had a litle chat with her made her day better. You did a great deal without even realising it, but you go away beating yourself up that you didn’t do more! You are a good person.

Next time you see this woman, talk to her, this will do her a great deal of good. I work with the homeless and 90% of my work is talking and listening. We talk about alsorts of stuff, but in the talking no matter what the subject matter even if it is about the weather a great deal of good is done because the interaction gives worth to that person and more than that it gives love.

I think you did exactly the right thing and don’t ask for the signs, ask for the grace to listen to people instead.

You did good and you are good.🙂

In my Living Prayer of life.
 
I have studied OCD extensively and even dealt with a similar case when I was young. The situation you described above was obsessive. I am sure you are a wonderful person. You must continue to say this to your mind and not allow yourself to be controlled by these thoughts. Be the owner of your mind.
 
Kathrin,
Try to remember that our God is not a God of confusion. He is not a trickster or magician who is expecting us to descipher ambiguous signs in order to do His will. I feel certain that He is watching you each moment, as you go about your day giving joy to all, and being immensely pleased with your **desire **to do His will.
 
fire_and_ice said:
Kathrin, I was unable to keep a job until I read the book " Brain Lock". This book changed my life. You must understand that OCD is the great " doubting disease". OCD will have you thinking your going to hell no matter how good a person you really are. Brain Lock was written by Dr. Jeffrey M, Schwartz M.D. from U.C.L.A. and their research on OCD. In this book there is a story about a Catholic man who came to see Dr. Schwartz because when he would go to church his mind would call the Virgin Mary a ***** and his OCD would call the Holy Water, “**** water”. You can imagine the guilt this would reek on a sensitive good hearted Christian young man. But God understands that OCD is causing these thoughts and so he forgives US. This book tells us the reasons why are brains get stuck i.e. the Caudette Nucleus, etc. This book will give you the edge you need in your fight!
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Hey Fire and Ice,

I have actually read that book! 🙂 And yes, it is pretty much one of my favorites too.
The way I am now, I get doubtful thoughts sometimes still but I am a lot better than I used to be OCD-wise. That is also due to medication, that I have been taking now for over 5 years. (I went down with the dosage slowly. Then I felt the OCD thoughts getting more frequent again, and about a month or so ago I re-upped the dosage a bit.)

Fortunatly my faith in God is strong. I do not really believe we are going to hell for things like that, or no matter what.🙂 Just some what-ifs breaking through sometimes. It’s managable these days.
I must admit, this board is “tempting” (in a different sense) though. To post about these things.
😉

Thanks! For the nice reply!

Kathrin
 
Hey thank you everybody so much for your replies! I am touched that this post (after all, it has been a while since I posted it) came up again. I am very touched by all of your sweet words.
BlessedStar, thank you for your wisdom about the blessing of talking to people.

Kathrin
 
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