Is this normal for in-laws or am I out of line?

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Bzzzd

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I’m concerned about whether my husband’s family dynamic is normal and if I should be concerned and make moves to protect my family from it.

I noticed strange behavior from the start. My mother-in-law seemed to know everyone important and all of her friends were top in their field, the director of this and that, or at least according to her. Admittedly, I was impressed by this at first but then I noticed that her estimation of them would change if the relationship did or it would become clear that these people weren’t really top of their field or even her friends, many times they’d met once, briefly at an event or she’d hired them for one of her projects. A cousin, for example was the youngest and only female director of marketing of a big, international company. When I met her, a lovely woman, she was just working in the advertising department (note - the cousin has not ever been a director of any company).

My mother-in-law has grand ideas that never seem to come to fruition. She pushes for people to help her start massive projects (like moving an entire grade school and high school she’s involved in to a new set of buildings, turning her property into a large cafe, garden center and tourist stop) and then abandons them when everyone involved realizes they are unfeasible.

She often says that she won’t accept anything but the best of whatever it is, be it food, clothing, a car, for example.

When she is shown to be wrong or confronted with an untruth or doesn’t get her way, she breaks down in sobbing tears and says that no one is kind to her, or that everything she does is from the bottom of her heart and she only means the best, etc. Gifts come with big strings attached and if not appreciated enough are called in for repayment.

The most troubling thing for me is the family dynamics. The youngest daughter (24 years of age) is woken every morning by her mother and made a bowl of porridge. Her mom speaks to her in baby talk pretty frequently and buys her whatever she wants. This is in sharp contrast to the other daughter, who is a step-child and who is spoken about in a very uncharitable way. For example, my mother-in-law says that she is obsessed with sex, that always showing off her body and does everything in an overly sensuous way. I see the exact opposite behavior. This woman dresses modestly and holds herself pretty well, I think. The youngest daughter on the other hand pulls down her trousers to show her string bikini tan lines to her brother, my husband, rolls her string top up to just under her breasts and stretches out languorously in the middle of a group of guests, showing off her abdomen.

Not only that, but the mother-in-law accuses the step-daughter of trying to poison her by deliberately ruining food she’s been asked to prepare. I’ve eaten precisely that same food and found nothing wrong with it. She’s actually a really good cook. I have spoken up for the step-daughter on a few occasions, just to say that I didn’t think she meant whatever she did or said in a bad way. I’m very sorry to say that I’ve also fallen into the trap of agreeing with my mother-in-law on a few occasions. Only when I’ve agreed has my mother-in-law reacted favorably.

Youngest daughter has wondered out loud, sitting next to step-daughter why she and my husband are so close and she’s not so close to the three step-children even though they all grew up together and have the same father. Mother-in-law told her then that it was because they are full blood and they have a special bond whereas she’s only half-related to the step-daughter. I’ve witnessed that several times.

How to deal with this? Is this normal? Am I out of line in wanting to create distance?
 
I dont think it is wrong for wanting to keep your distance from family disfunction. You should be very cautious to get yourself dragged into it. Your MIL sounds very eccentric. Everything you wrote about is not your problem.

The verse about the splinter in your brother’s eye comes to mind here. We all have a log in our own eye about something. It is more redeeming to worry about our own issues than someone else’s.
 
Just wondering what your husband has to say about any of this? Does he agree with you or does he think it is fine? :confused:
 
No, that doesn’t sound normal. But then, every family is dealing with something. :o

How does your husband feel about all of this? Does he agree with you? Does he want to put some distance between you both and his family?
 
As I read this post I was reminded of my daughter and her MIL, she is not as you have described your MIL but just as manipulative. Our daughter as well as her MIL’s other DIL try to avoid her as much as they can, but I have told my daughter that this is not right. Her MIL is her husband’s mother and she needs to honor her as such. That doesn’t mean she has to like unlikeable behavior, or always agree, etc. but she has to try to get along. She can ignore things, or set her mind to the fact that the visits are not too frequent so just tolerate her while she is there. Anything other than that causes her husband anxiety with his mother and if our daughter can just find a way to get along then she will make life easier for her husband. He doesn’t like what his mother is up to any more than our daughter but every time they try to say something things go down hill way too far and fast. Since my daughter has tried to follow my advice she finds it easier to be around her MIL and made her husband a lot happier. I know that what you have described is not pleasant but could you tolerate it more if you tried harder?
 
No, her behavior isn’t “normal”.

but, disfunction does exist in many families to some extent. Favoring one child over another isn’t uncommon. Treating an adult like a child isn’t unheard of. Playing one child off another isn’t either. Coming between a child and his/her spouse - no - that’s not totally unheard of either. And someone having grandiose ideas - wanting everything to be perfect - not seeing that the whole is impractical - well, i’ve seen that, too.

So the question is: “How do you deal with it?”

To that I would say that we each have to find our own methods of handling it. It partially depends on how your spouse feels about it - is he aware of it? - does he condone this behavior?

If you are drawn into it, I would decide how to keep some distance. Since you know that this behavior exists, you don’t have to take it personally. It’s not about you. If you know that you can’t fix it, then you can distance yourself and be more of an observer than a participant. If you can fix it, then try to get your spouse involved. (If she suffers from depression, for example, maybe he can encourage her to get a complete physical).

But - good luck to you. these family issues are not easy to find your way to navigate around. Figure out ahead of time your husband and your stands on things and stick with that. If you are drawn in where you don’t want to be, then find a way to leave. If you are given an expensive present with strings attached - find a polite way to say that you can’t accept it.
 
I’ve known women who, because of their own insecurities, feel it is necessary to embellish the lives and abilities of friends and acquaintances. Know of a couple of men who do the same. It is tedious listening to stories about who is who and who knows whom and what she/he is and isn’t doing. :yawn::sleep:

Also know of one woman who became a step-mother and was not very nice to that child. Her behavior was evident to all who saw how she interacted with the child. :mad: I cannot imagine any man tolerating it. Where is her husband?

Your MIL is flawed. Probably could benefit from counseling but no one is complaining and she doesn’t want to change because nothing is wrong with her.

She’ll continue to wait on her adult daughter and that woman will probably have great difficulty establishing her own life having learned she can do no wrong.
 
What does hubby have to say about his mother? From what you write, she’s a nutter!

:hypno::whackadoo::takeoff:
 
Well Cinderella turns out better than the spoiled brats, right? Be nice to the stepsister, be on guard against being drawn into family conflicts and realize that you can’t solve all the world’s problems.
 
manualman said:
Well Cinderella turns out better than the spoiled brats, right? Be nice to the stepsister, be on guard against being drawn into family conflicts and realize that you can’t solve all the world’s problems.
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Funny you should mention Cinderella… that is exactly what came to mind with me.

MIL sounds nuts. Husband should be dealing with this.
 
I just finished reading Ruth Reichl’s books (she was editor of Gourmet magazine etc) and your MIL reminded me of RR’s mother (who later it turns out did in fact suffer from mental illness). The grandiose (impossible) projects that she goes after 200% sound like a manic phase…
but I’m not a psychiatrist.

The suggestion of others, to gauge your husband’s response and work with him about your coupled response is a good idea.
 
The MIL displays signs of narcissism. It can be a personality trait or a personality disorder. They can be very difficult people to deal with. My SIL is a narcissist. She is chronically unhappy and blames everyone else for her problems. Narcissists have grandiose plans and a huge sense of entitlement and yes, they are very manipulative. They want/need to feel important and better than other people. With my SIL we keep our distance in order to keep our sanity. We spend short amounts of time with her only.
 
Thank you all for your prayers, sharing your responses and advice. It sure is comforting to be able to share this with others.

My husband told me before we were even married that he’s never really understood his mother. She is very difficult when wrong, insisting she’s right and breaking down in tears when it’s clear she isn’t. He’s chalked it up to eccentricity. My mother-in-law very easily misinterprets or misunderstands others’ meaning and behavior and will very angrily accuse another of maliciousness. I see this often with the step-daughter, when she has meant no harm at all. When I first realized that this was the case, I doubted myself because my mother-in-law can be very convincing when you haven’t witnessed whatever lead up to her grievance. I’ve been on the receiving end of that anger a few times now and thought it was the way I was communicating. I thought that maybe I was unintentionally being rude or insolent or ungrateful - her charges against me - or that it was down to personality differences. That happens, I’ve misinterpreted and been hurt, unintentionally, by someone else - well only my sister really. My husband has wondered about his half-sister and whether she really is out to get his mother and then doubted it and wondered again just as I have. He loves his half-sister and he also loves his mother so it’s a difficult situation to be in.

We’re reconsidering our understanding of that relationship now because of recent events. I was accused of certain very unpleasant actions that were simply not true. My husband knows this. His mother and youngest sister didn’t confront me directly, but approached my husband. When he defended me saying that what happened was not my fault and their interpretation of what happened was incorrect, his mother and sister told him not to take the blame on himself. They told him that I was at fault and he shouldn’t defend me. My husband refused to listen to them and left. When I heard about this, I knew I had to bring it up with them and make it very clear that their interpretation was incorrect and that I found it to be hurtful. When I did, there was no acknowledgement of misunderstanding or misinterpretation, which I hoped for because I just wanted to clear things up. Instead, I was confronted with more erroneous accusations - a how dare you say that we’ve hurt you when you done xyz and been abc, which were also just plain not true.

We had an overnight cooling off period and I asked to meet and talk over the problem again. Lots of anger from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law directed at me. Many more false accusations leveled at me, including criticisms of how I’m carrying out my wifely duties. Some of these stemmed from jealousy and over-involvement in our marriage. That was clear to my husband and I. We brought up our vows and the leaving and cleaving, said how we respected and loved them but needed to be our own family. Sister-in-law stood up pointed at me and said - you might be married to her, but we’re blood! Mother-in-law said - yes, you two are blood that is the most important thing! Not only that, but they refused to acknowledge that the story they had told my husband was incorrect. Instead, my mother-in-law told me that I can’t ask someone to change their opinion, that it was her “truth” at the time and my “truth” is different from her “truth”. I don’t like that.

My husband was very angry with them and so was I. We are working on forgiveness and moving forward, but I’m concerned that we ought to be protecting our family now. This subjectivity of truth makes me wonder if in the future I could be accused of some malicious behavior toward my child and it would be allowable because it is a so-called truth. Once my mother-in-law has finished venting, even though she says some truly awful things, she forgets them all and expects you to forget them as well.

I’m having trouble moving on from this because she expects us to go on normally and as involved as before, but hasn’t admitted any wrongdoing or acknowledged any hurt on our side. We’re taking time to heal but she is angry at me again, asking why I can’t just let it go. She’s said that she speaks to God and asks him to take her troubles and she can then let it go instantly, that I should try that. I’ve told her I need some time to do that and I’ve continued to drop in to say hello, just not every day. She’s dropped off prayer books for my husband with passages marked that emphasize leaving behind evil and returning to the family. She’s sent text messages to my husband recommending that I speak to a doctor or a nurse about my problem (I assume she’s inferring depression). When my husband told his mother that he loved her and wanted to work on repairing our relationship, she said that loves him and she even loves that stupid b***h (me), like a daughter. It’s just a bit too much for me.

There is a lot more to this story, but it’s too much to write here. My husband would like to leave. He’s wanted to cut off all ties, but I can’t see that as a healthy solution. I’ve been feeling like I’m causing a serious family rift, but then I think about what actually went on and I know that it’s not my fault. I have a role to play, but I’m not sure that this sort of reaction is warranted. I feel like my mother-in-law is trying to drive a wedge between myself and my husband. I feel guilty and I feel wrong for feeling guilty and then I feel wrong for coming between my husband and his family and guilty about that and then angry because I know that logically it’s not my fault but emotionally I feel that it is.

So I’m not sure what to do now and I wonder if patching things up, trying to leave it on friendly terms and creating some serious space is the best way to handle this.
 
Bzzzd said:
My husband would like to leave. He’s wanted to cut off all ties, but I can’t see that as a healthy solution. In some cases, this is the only healthy solution. We aren’t required to stay in abusive situations… I feel like my mother-in-law is trying to drive a wedge between myself and my husband. She’s made it very clear, I think, that she is trying to do just that. Completely unacceptable behavior.
So I’m not sure what to do now and I wonder if patching things up, trying to leave it on friendly terms and creating some serious space is the best way to handle this. You’ve tried to patch things up. This is impossible without some reciprocation and acknowledgment of fault (not going to happen) on their end. really don’t see any further obligation on your part here. If your husband, very reasonably, wants to make a clean cut, I would take his lead. I really am sorry you are going through all this.
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Bzzzd said:
There is a lot more to this story, but it’s too much to write here. My husband would like to leave. He’s wanted to cut off all ties, but I can’t see that as a healthy solution. I’ve been feeling like I’m causing a serious family rift, but then I think about what actually went on and I know that it’s not my fault. I have a role to play, but I’m not sure that this sort of reaction is warranted. I feel like my mother-in-law is trying to drive a wedge between myself and my husband. I feel guilty and I feel wrong for feeling guilty and then I feel wrong for coming between my husband and his family and guilty about that and then angry because I know that logically it’s not my fault but emotionally I feel that it is.

So I’m not sure what to do now and I wonder if patching things up, trying to leave it on friendly terms and creating some serious space is the best way to handle this.
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Read up on borderline personalty disorder. Sounds like your MIL is a prime candidate. The pennies will drop as you are reading other people’s descriptions of BPD people in their own lives.

Basic description from PubMed

More thorough description and more information

This link is even better and explains why “borderline” - it’s the border between neurotic and psychotic that is in play

You can Google something like “Borderline Personality Disorder Personal Accounts” and get tons of hits.

p.s. I am not a psychiatrist so this is only my opinion. It may only add to your understanding of the situation and in no way changes the reality that you have to deal with.

Based on my own experience with family members who have antisocial personality disorders, I would advise extreme caution and as much distance, even physical distance if possible, as you can arrange. It will probably be a relief for your husband and keeping your children well away from this kind of person is highly recommended. They can say one thing to your face and quite another behind closed doors to your children.
 
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