Is this normal?

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LorilopezInneed

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I have been struggling with finances and my husband for sometime. Unfortunately, the situation has intensified where I have to file bankruptcy. My husband has been a spender and I’ve been an enabler according to our therapist.

Anyway, I finally made the appointment with an attorney. Not only did my husband avoid going… He “forgot” that I even had the appointment. I was the one that reminded him that I WENT. I told him the results he seemed quite unphased. He offered to sweep floors overnights (in addition to his full time day job) at Walmart. It was a complete FAKE empty offer. I said “ok” calling his bluff and he quickly backtracked.

Then tonight I was working and he was working late. I told him I would use my “break at work” to go get the kiddos and watch them until he could relieve me. (i was working nights tonight) and he said he would def be home by 7 so I could go back to work.

At 7:15 I called and texted … Wondering where he was. No answer. He eventually called back a half hour after he was supposed to be home and said he was 30 min away. I was almost 2 hours late going back to work. When I started to bring it up …, he got quiet and irritable.

Am I wrong for being upset? I tried to communicate my sadness and he just tells me “drop it”.
 
No, you are not wrong to be upset. He did not follow through on his word and is not working on his part of the problem.

It sounds to me like you are trying to understand your husband’s reaction as well. If he is anything like me, he is disappointed in himself for letting you down. He feels that he is a failure in the relationship and nothing he does will ever make you happy.

So when you express disappointment with him, he hears it all the time. It’s just another reminder of what a failure he is. And so he just shuts down, and all he hears is a nagging little voice that he wishes would just go away.

This is just my interpretation based on my experience…take it for what it is worth.
 
This is indicative of a severe communication problem between you and your husband. Seek help.

May the Lord be with you both!
 
Its always nice to have a place to vent and there is a place to do that here. We are happy to listen so that you can verbalize and get things off your chest, but you need a resolution not available by this type of forum. Since you have mentioned a therapist I hope you can still afford a few more sessions to that someone qualified to mediate can do so for you and your husband. God bless you and your husband, may the Holy Spirit lead and guide you on a path towards reconciliation for your marriage.
 
I wonder if your husband has had a thorough medical checkup? It never hurts to rule out other causes of a problem, especially if there seem to be memory lapses.

Also, over-spending can indicate a psychiatric disorder - perhaps one that will respond to treatment.
 
Describe his computer usage to us please. Does he drink alot? I say these things as a recovering, by the grace of God, alcoholic and lust (porn) addict. Your husband behaves EXACTLY the way I used to behave.
 
You are not wrong for feeling upset.
You need to find a way to better communicate with your husband, asap.
 
Thanks everyone.

I don’t think it’s a medical issue with him. It’s just kind of how he is. We’ve tried to address it in therapy. I just get stuck holding the bag.

I should have left the kids with the sitter instead of watching them on my break but I didn’t want THEM to be without their parent all day long. I wanted to spend time with them since school starts up next week.

My husband said that his coworkers were late for the meeting they scheduled so that set him back. And that he was busy when I called and texted.

It’s just ALL too common. I’m just fet up with this constant issue. When I get mad he gets quiet and passive aggressive. He texted me on my race back to work. “sorry I ruined your night”. He didn’t ruin my night … He threatened my job.
 
I never got angry with him verbally. I knew it would cause a fight so I didn’t really say anything. I did tell him earlier in the day yesterday that I felt his “sweeping floors at Walmart” offer was bizarre and hurtful because I knew he wasn’t being forthcoming. He just glared at me. I told him that he is too talented and smart toake these empty threats.
These kinds of responses are common, unfortunately.

As for bankruptcy appointment he said he didn’t realize that he needed to attend with me or even ask about it. He said I should have told him reminded him that I was going.
 
Dorothy said:
This is indicative of a severe communication problem between you and your husband.
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The OP does not have a communication problem. She has a loser, irresponsible husband problem.
LynJohn1023 said:
Did you correct him and affirm your love for him even though you might be angry at him?
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I imagine it’s awfully hard to express an affirmation of love for someone as you watch them behave so irresponsibly that they threaten your job and drive you into bankruptcy.
 
He just acts so strange sometimes. I don’t believe it’s do to any medical problem or alcoholism.

For example, our 6 year had a bad dream last night and got scared. He said he saw scary faces in the dark. I comforted him and got him back to sleep. Now he’s texting me implying this child has a mental problem. I told him it was just a bad dream. He keeps saying “but he said he was fully awake”.

I just feel he is irrational as a husband and parent and I’m really feeling resentful and hurt.
 
Is there anything about him that you still love? It doesn’t seem like you have much respect for him (not without reason). He almost views you like the mommy - I mean, he needs to be told to go to a bankruptcy appointment…

There is nothing you can do to change him. The only choices I can see are to eithet accept him for who he is and his many flaws; or separate. Getting mad doesn’t seem to be doing either of you any good.
 
I certainly don’t mean to sound or act disrespectful. I have been with this man for over a decade and I am just tired of this stuff.

Anything that I love about him? I love the fact that when he’s present… He is a good father. But, he is not always involved or responsible.

Here’s the thing. I have stayed because of the kids. But I am constantly picking up the slack. Our AC is out. Started last night (while I was watching the kids when I should have been at work). I called landlord. No response. He hasn’t once offered to help or anything. So I guess I have to juggle work and take care of it so the kids and sitter aren’t hot in the house?

Does a responsible dad husband need to be told that too? If he can’t manage to understand why the bankruptcy appt was important to me?
 
I could be wrong, but I really think he looks at you like a mom. He doesn’t take ownership of anything because you will handle it. If he is going to be of any help to you, you will have to tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what to do and when you want it done - like a boss/employee relationship.

It is tough. You are right, responsible men do not behave this way. You have a heavy cross.
 
LorilopezInneed said:
I certainly don’t mean to sound or act disrespectful. I have been with this man for over a decade and I am just tired of this stuff.

Anything that I love about him? I love the fact that when he’s present… He is a good father. But, he is not always involved or responsible.

Here’s the thing. I have stayed because of the kids. But I am constantly picking up the slack. Our AC is out. Started last night (while I was watching the kids when I should have been at work). I called landlord. No response. He hasn’t once offered to help or anything. So I guess I have to juggle work and take care of it so the kids and sitter aren’t hot in the house?

Does a responsible dad husband need to be told that too? If he can’t manage to understand why the bankruptcy appt was important to me?
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You don’t sound disrespectful. Don’t worry about that.

Your husband is disrespectful to YOU. He is not caring for you or your family and doesn’t take responsibility for anything. Talk about a slacker, your husband is the poster boy. Notice I said ‘boy’ and not man.

The only person who can change here is you. I suggest you stop relying on your husband for anything because all he does is let you down. You need to act like a single parent because in effect, that is what you are. You make the arrangements for the kids. You make the appointment with the attorney for the bankruptcy and go yourself. You do what you need to do.

Ask yourself what you want your next 10 yrs. to look like, and then start heading in that direction.
 
The thing is I have stopped enabling as much as I can but when it comes to my kids…I DO step in. I mean I could leave the AC issue today for him but then the kids would suffer. I could have left the kids with the sitter last night… But then I would have screwed over the sitter and never seen the kids.

You see what I mean?
 
LorilopezInneed said:
The thing is I have stopped enabling as much as I can but when it comes to my kids…I DO step in. I mean I could leave the AC issue today for him but then the kids would suffer. I could have left the kids with the sitter last night… But then I would have screwed over the sitter and never seen the kids.

You see what I mean?
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You did the right thing. You took care of your kids. You seem like a really good mom.

I’m just saying don’t even THINK your husband should care about the AC. He doesn’t. You were mentioning that you thought he should offer to help you. He doesn’t and then you are disappointed. I’m just trying to show you how to let go of relying on him so that you are not disappointed over and over.

Your husband is selfish. You gotta work with what you’ve got.
 
Well the minute I start looking at the future I begin to think WHY am I dealing with this? I have a career and I can take care of our kids. If I file bankruptcy and move to a smaller place… I could handle it. Emotionally I’d be devastated but it just seems unfair that I have to deal with my husbands antics.

He just texted and said he “never doubts” our 6 year old. He thinks he really saw people in his mind in the middle of the night. And that he may be having visions of some sort.

Have I entered the twilight zone? My husband thinks our 6 year olds bad dream is actually visions?
 
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