Is this normal?

[Moore11]

… He is a good father. But, he is not always involved or responsible.

How is that possible?

I think it is time you found a different therapist because these problems that you describe need to be addressed and fixed. NOW

It is important for us to remember that we are only getting a frustrated wife’s side of the story here so we should not pile on too much.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Well i understand that it sounds odd to say he’s a good father considering what I described… But I do see some of his best efforts being made for our kids.

But obviously that isn’t saying much. Recently a suspicious car was in the front of our house and he didn’t even escort us to our car when we needed to leave. I thought WOW … Can see you really care!

Here’s the thing. It’s his 40th bday in a few weeks. I feel terrible but part of me doesn’t want to do anything major. But I contacted his family (out of state) and invited them out. They haven’t responded. He did virtually nothing for my bday last year. So, what is proper for a wife in this position? He has basically no friends. I feel bad for him so I’m always trying to do things for him. Last year we took out away for the weekend. This year… I’m contemplating divorce.

 

[Moore11]

Well i understand that it sounds odd to say he’s a good father considering what I described… But I do see some of his best efforts being made for our kids.

But obviously that isn’t saying much. Recently a suspicious car was in the front of our house and he didn’t even escort us to our car when we needed to leave. I thought WOW … Can see you really care!

Here’s the thing. It’s his 40th bday in a few weeks. I feel terrible but part of me doesn’t want to do anything major. But I contacted his family (out of state) and invited them out. They haven’t responded. He did virtually nothing for my bday last year. So, what is proper for a wife in this position? He has basically no friends. I feel bad for him so I’m always trying to do things for him. Last year we took out away for the weekend. This year… I’m contemplating divorce.

Again all we have to go on is what you have said but I just dont see why these issues are not being dealt with immediately.
“My dad was a great dad, he thought my nightmares were “visions”, he allowed the family to go bankrupt while not even caring about the process or anything and he made my mom miserable. He didn’t watch us when he was supposed to and put my mom’s job in jeopardy.”
This does not sound like something a great dad’s kids should be saying…
If it is as bad as you have said, you need to step in and protect yourself and your kids. He can not only financially damage the family but his uneducated leap to “visions” can indicate psychological abuse of the kids as well. If this is the whole story you need to take immediate action. I think you know this but I also think you wont do it.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Well, he didn’t tell our son that he thought he was having visions. He just started asking me about that. He didn’t tell our son. In fact, I went in and slept the rest of the night with him. Not my husband.

As for the bankruptcy… It takes 2 to tango. I don’t want to disrespect my husband. He didn’t gamble etc. he just liked expensive things and I didn’t put an end to it when I should have. I DId get him to counseling awhile back. But that was short lived.

I actually am trying to put pressure on myself. Coming here to see if I can get the courage to step up and take the reins. I am trying to think of our kids.

I can file bankruptcy and seperate… I am just scared. No one wants to break up a family. And I don’t want to look back wondering… What if. What if.

Your reply was indicative of the bigger picture though. I hope my son doesn’t see things the way you describe. I suppose I have a severe tunnel vision.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Forgive me for being petty, but I came home tonight and I saw my husband going through papers and writing down numbers. I thought YES he’s finally going over the bills and facing our reality. Nope. Turns out he is signing up for fantasy football!!!

 

[Moore11]

Forgive me for being petty, but I came home tonight and I saw my husband going through papers and writing down numbers. I thought YES he’s finally going over the bills and facing our reality. Nope. Turns out he is signing up for fantasy football!!!

Well, if he were in my league he would be in last place… A guy that can’t get his bills together usually does not fare well in fantasy leauge. Just make sure his league is not for money he doesn’t need to lose any more.

My money league is strait up statistical. No emotion at all. But my fun league… tebow, peyton, and some other favorite players!

Sorry, I just love football!

 

[LilyM]

Well, he didn’t tell our son that he thought he was having visions. He just started asking me about that. He didn’t tell our son. In fact, I went in and slept the rest of the night with him. Not my husband.

As for the bankruptcy… It takes 2 to tango. I don’t want to disrespect my husband. He didn’t gamble etc. he just liked expensive things and I didn’t put an end to it when I should have. I DId get him to counseling awhile back. But that was short lived.

I actually am trying to put pressure on myself. Coming here to see if I can get the courage to step up and take the reins. I am trying to think of our kids.

I can file bankruptcy and seperate… I am just scared. No one wants to break up a family. And I don’t want to look back wondering… What if. What if.

Your reply was indicative of the bigger picture though. I hope my son doesn’t see things the way you describe. I suppose I have a severe tunnel vision.

Why is it up to you to put an end to his spending of his money?

There are a few other what it’s you should be asking yourself …

What if your children grow up with him as a model, and so are influenced to become like him?

What if they grow up to be like you but form relationships with people like him because that’s the type of relationship they see in front of their eyes every day?

What if, God forbid, something were to happen to you and he was left to take care of the kids, but was incapable because he’d always relied on you to do everything for him?

 

[Groo]

If you loved and respected your husband, little things like fantasy football would not bother you. It bugs you because you have lost all interest in him, imo.

Do you have a daily prayer life? That usually clarifies things for me.

 

[Irishmom2]

I actually am trying to put pressure on myself. Coming here to see if I can get the courage to step up and take the reins. I am trying to think of our kids.

I can file bankruptcy and seperate… I am just scared. No one wants to break up a family.

You know, no one wants to see a family broken apart. But perhaps a separation would be good for everyone involved. It does not have to be forever, but sometimes, it can be a defining moment. It can be a time of discernment, to decide what is best without the same living arrangement that is causing the problem. I am not in any way suggesting that you divorce. But I do see a separation until which time your husband steps it up and becomes the man he is supposed to be- for his wife, and to his children.

 

[Irishmom2]

If you loved and respected your husband, little things like fantasy football would not bother you. .

It bothers her because if it involves money, they cannot afford it. It bothers her because it is selfish of him to spend money on himself without thinking of how it may impact their already tight budget. It bothers her because he has time for fantasy football, but not for his family. It has nothing at all to do with her respect or love for her husband.

What about his love and respect for his wife and children? He is irresponsible. He almost cost his wife her employment. How is that being respectful of HER?

 

[LorilopezInneed]

I think it’s safe to say that my husband and I have both caused problems. I know that I’ve played a role. I think the biggest issue is that I am trying to fix my errors and he doesn’t seem to follow that logic.

Someone here asked if I still love him? I don’t know how to tell. We are not intimate. We havent been for awhile. He used to have an issue with porn but he says that is no longer an issue. However he recently told me that my weight was an issue. However, I’m a size 4. I haven’t gained any weight. It was confusing. He said “well I know you’ve been really working on your weight and I think you look great but I don’t want to say anything else because I could say the wrong thing”.

Bottom line … Here’s what I notice. I treat the kids different than I treat him. I always go out of my way to say hi to them as soon as I come through the door etc. I’m always “trying” with them. I am no longer “trying” around my husband. Mainly because I’m hurt.

 

[Moore11]

I think it’s safe to say that my husband and I have both caused problems. I know that I’ve played a role. I think the biggest issue is that I am trying to fix my errors and he doesn’t seem to follow that logic.

Someone here asked if I still love him? I don’t know how to tell. We are not intimate. We havent been for awhile. He used to have an issue with porn but he says that is no longer an issue. However he recently told me that my weight was an issue. However, I’m a size 4. I haven’t gained any weight. It was confusing. He said “well I know you’ve been really working on your weight and I think you look great but I don’t want to say anything else because I could say the wrong thing”.

Bottom line … Here’s what I notice. I treat the kids different than I treat him. I always go out of my way to say hi to them as soon as I come through the door etc. I’m always “trying” with them. I am no longer “trying” around my husband. Mainly because I’m hurt.

What are your faith lives like? I am just not seeing a Godly man here…

 

[Groo]

I think it’s safe to say that my husband and I have both caused problems. I know that I’ve played a role. I think the biggest issue is that I am trying to fix my errors and he doesn’t seem to follow that logic.

Someone here asked if I still love him? I don’t know how to tell. We are not intimate. We havent been for awhile. He used to have an issue with porn but he says that is no longer an issue. However he recently told me that my weight was an issue. However, I’m a size 4. I haven’t gained any weight. It was confusing. He said “well I know you’ve been really working on your weight and I think you look great but I don’t want to say anything else because I could say the wrong thing”.

Bottom line … Here’s what I notice. I treat the kids different than I treat him. I always go out of my way to say hi to them as soon as I come through the door etc. I’m always “trying” with them. I am no longer “trying” around my husband. Mainly because I’m hurt.

Your husband may be addicted to porn. His passive-aggressiveness reminds me of myself when I was in active addiction. Sex addicts gradually destroy everything in their lives until they are either insane, in prison, or dead. I don’t know if he is an addict, but he sure sounds like one to me. There is hope for him if he seeks recovery, but that is up to him.

As for what you can do, consider that your resentments likely have a seed of envy in them. From my experience, holding onto resentments is very poisonous. Ask God for the grace to forgive him for all that he has done and continues to do…not for his sake so much, but for yours. A thought…

 

[LorilopezInneed]

We attend church as a family. But our faith could definitely be stronger. At night… The kids don’t say their prayers before bed unless I’m there… That type of behavior. Don’t get me wrong… He is not anti church or anti God. He was raised Catholic.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

I have checked his computer and phone history and I didn’t find any evidence. But who knows. But we definitely have a long history of intimacy problems.

Your husband may be addicted to porn. His passive-aggressiveness reminds me of myself when I was in active addiction. Sex addicts gradually destroy everything in their lives until they are either insane, in prison, or dead. I don’t know if he is an addict, but he sure sounds like one to me. There is hope for him if he seeks recovery, but that is up to him.

As for what you can do, consider that your resentments likely have a seed of envy in them. From my experience, holding onto resentments is very poisonous. Ask God for the grace to forgive him for all that he has done and continues to do…not for his sake so much, but for yours. A thought…

 

[Moore11]

We attend church as a family. But our faith could definitely be stronger. At night… The kids don’t say their prayers before bed unless I’m there… That type of behavior. Don’t get me wrong… He is not anti church or anti God. He was raised Catholic.

Well, it does not sound as if you are living the faith as a family. Faith touches finances, caretaking respect of a spouse and frankly no man of God tells a size 4 wife that her weight is an issue for intimacy. No man of God watches disinterested as the family financial situation is in peril. No man of God would make you feel the way you do.
No woman of God would not know what to do.
There are so many issues here and it is doubtful that you are ready to do everything you should do and these are Catholic boards. So I think you should PRAY and PRAY hard. Pray for the guidance from God and then have the courage and wisdom to use that guidance.

I’m going to be frank for a second and this might sting a little but I want you to know that I think you need to think about it:

Many people come to sites like this and post on family matters and marital matters and then excuse it away, backtrack on what they originally complained about and come up with every reason imaginable on why they cant or wont fix the situation. “I already tried that” or “I cant do that right now” or “i’m not ready for that” Or “he wont listen to that”
Bottom line is the poster is the one with the problem and they are too weak, scared, or lost to fix it. This problem should be OVER tonight, but it wont because you can’t do what is necessary to fix it.
Think about what you have posted and then think about what it might look like to outsiders.
Think about what you would tell a woman who has given you the facts you gave us.
The husband tells his not fat wife that she is fat and unattractive. There is no intimacy, The family is filing for bankruptcy and the man doesn’t know or care, the man is pushing the idea that his young child has “visions” the man could cost the woman her job, the man will not sweep floors at night to help, he is more interested in fantasy football than his family or money problems.
Think about how toxic that situation is for a child and for that woman. Now think about what that woman should do to help the situation. Should she seek God’s wisdom? Should she lay down the law, should she take care of herself and her children or should she just take it like a quiet mouse.
No one can do it for you. With God’s help only those involved can fix it.
Fix it!

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received. Thank you!!!

My father is gone now but he used to think in very black and white terms. It was frustrating at times, but now after his death, I find myself wishing I could be more like him. It was either right or wrong… No gray area allowed.

The thing is he was catholic and compassionate and I’m not sure what he would have told me now. Like I said, I am not without fault. I have had a wondering eye because I miss intimacy … Emotional and physical… So much.

I don’t believe my husband’s faults are unfixable. However he is the only one who can make the changes. And he has improved… Just not for long periods of time.

You are right… On the surface …, your/my description sounds horrible. And I think it’s my tunnel vision that is preventing me from confronting it. I am going to a counselor today and I am going to ask him to help me plan a separation. I’ve already started looking for places.

The issue is that I will have to act before I tell my husband. I know if I do it any other way … I won’t remain strong enough. I am so quick to forgive my husband

Your husband may be addicted to porn. His passive-aggressiveness reminds me of myself when I was in active addiction. Sex addicts gradually destroy everything in their lives until they are either insane, in prison, or dead. I don’t know if he is an addict, but he sure sounds like one to me. There is hope for him if he seeks recovery, but that is up to him.

As for what you can do, consider that your resentments likely have a seed of envy in them. From my experience, holding onto resentments is very poisonous. Ask God for the grace to forgive him for all that he has done and continues to do…not for his sake so much, but for yours. A thought…

 

[LorilopezInneed]

So my husband just called and told me that his 90 day evaluation at his job has been extended because his boss is not fully convinced that he is responsible enough in all areas of his job. It’s very concerning… And now he is very angry and upset with his boss.

It is hard for me to soothe him knowing I am having almost the exact same issues. What am I going to do?

 

[Ms_Manners]

What am I
going to do?

Here’s a trick: imagine the person who is dearest to you, and I mean someone whose pain you feel as your own, sister, mother, best friend, your child even, came to you with exactly the same story. All the times you did nothing included.

What would you advise that person?

You really can’t ignore this anymore.

The other posters scenarios for your children are scary, but also real.

 

[martinah]

So my husband just called and told me that his 90 day evaluation at his job has been extended because his boss is not fully convinced that he is responsible enough in all areas of his job. It’s very concerning… And now he is very angry and upset with his boss.

It is hard for me to soothe him knowing I am having almost the exact same issues. What am I going to do?

I have read this entire thread and I just wanted to help by giving you a piece of information about what I have seen in myself and others. People tend to live in themes and symbols. I know that that seems weird but bear with me. The life themes that one often lives by are there to be informative and/or instructional and if you are aware of them, you can usually learn about yourself and grow from them. When I read your descriptions about your husband and his behaviors, the theme that comes to mind is ‘detachment’. I hate to use the vernacular of pop-psychology, but he just does not seem “plugged in”; in marriage, in parenthood and, now apparently, work. Why is he like that? When was the first time that you know of that he ‘detached’ in this way? Maybe it was something he did before he even met you? Its important to know when we did something for the first time because often the first time we engage in a behaviour, the behaviour gets its meaning or its purpose. For example, if he ‘detached’ for the first time when he was a child, he may have done it to avoid a painful situation or a difficulty and now, as an adult, he continues the behaviour during any times of difficulty–even when its not appropriate or beneficial to do so. You see what I mean? I think he needs help with his inability to be ‘plugged in’ and you need to stop being good at helping him check out (by pulling up his slack). Counseling is probably the only way you two are going to work through your difficulties.

BTW, for what its worth, separation does not help people learn how to be together unless there are issues of immediate safety at play. Just my two cents.

Take care,
Martina