Is this passive aggressive behavior?

[livnlern]

I was at lunch with some neighbors yesterday and two of the ladies were talking about the upcoming mayoral race in our town. They were praising one of the candidates and handed out pamphlets about her and talked about various issues. I’d been pretty quiet up until this point. When there was a break in the conversation, I had to speak up and point out that a few years ago, this candidate tried to have the nativity scene taken down outside city hall. All conversation stopped at this point and my neighbors admitted that this was true. Then the subject was changed.
I didn’t want to break in on their conversation but felt I had to. Is this considered a passive aggressive approach, to wait until the right moment and then sort of drop a bombshell?
I always hear negative things about being passive aggressive and can see where it can lead to manipulation. But other times it seems like it just means holding your peace until the right moment.
Any thoughts on this?

 

[the_phoenix]

I would just say you managed to
get a word in edgewise.

You’re entitled to voice your opinion,
especially among friends.

 

[JRKH]

No this is not “passive aggressive” behavior.

From HERE

People who are passive-aggressive appear to agree with the requests of others. They may even seem enthusiastic about them. But they don’t perform a requested action on time or in a useful way, and may even work against it. In other words, they use nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can’t express verbally. An example is showing up very late to a meeting that you didn’t really want to attend and then making up excuses for your lateness that deflect attention from the real reason you were late.

Your comments were clear, to the point and pertinant to the conversation.

Peace
James

 

[revert_jen]

I always hear negative things about being passive aggressive and can see where it can lead to manipulation. But other times it seems like it just means holding your peace until the right moment.
Any thoughts on this?

Passive-aggressive behavior has nothing to do with what you did. It’s totally not related at all. Assuming that you were at the same table with the people having the conversation, there was nothing wrong with it at all. If they were at a different table, it was a bit impolite, but still not passive-aggressive.

There is an example of classic passive-aggressive behavior in the Bible. It is one of Jesus’ parables in Mt. 21:28-31a.
“What do you think? A man had two sons; and he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ And he answered, ‘I will not’; but afterward he repented and went. And he went to the second and said the same; and he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.”

The second was being passive-aggressive. Basically (in a non-clinical sense) it has to do with creating expectations about your own behavior and then not fulfilling them. It’s trying to get the credit (explicit or implied) for behaving in a certain way that people want you to behave, and then not actually behaving that way.

I don’t see any relation between that and what you did.

Regards,

–Jen

 

[Nec5]

All you did was interrupt a hive mind/group think conversation. You injected a little objectivity. Their response? Change the subject.

The problem is with them, not with you.

 

[livnlern]

No this is not “passive aggressive” behavior.

From HERE

People who are passive-aggressive appear to agree with the requests of others. They may even seem enthusiastic about them. But they don’t perform a requested action on time or in a useful way, and may even work against it. In other words, they use nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can’t express verbally. An example is showing up very late to a meeting that you didn’t really want to attend and then making up excuses for your lateness that deflect attention from the real reason you were late.

Your comments were clear, to the point and pertinant to the conversation.

Peace
James

I can see what you mean about being late for a meeting. But what if you agree with people most of the time, think better of it later and do something other than what you said you’d do. I do this quite often and think that a lot of women react this way. The alternative is to challenge whatever is being discussed and takes a more openly aggressive personality. Many times I have to go back and think about the situation and then I’ll get angry and think, “Oh! I should have said this or that”. I know that it depends on the situation, but in general is it better to be out in the open with your thoughts and ideas before you’ve had a chance to think things through?
Sometimes it might be better to be passive aggressive.

 

[revert_jen]

But what if you agree with people most of the time, think better of it later and do something other than what you said you’d do.

If you said you’d do something and you decide later not to do it, it’s still not passive-aggressive behavior. For it to be passive-aggressive, you would have had to say you were going to do it without really intending to do it in the first place. You have a responsibility to tell the people that you are no longer intending to do it, or you are behaving badly toward them. But even if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be passive-aggressive, but just unreliable. Of course if you are talking about e.g. voting a particular way, it isn’t anything to do with them whether you change your mind or not, and you don’t have to tell them anything at all. You’ve just changed your mind, you don’t need an adjective for yourself.

I do this quite often and think that a lot of women react this way. The alternative is to challenge whatever is being discussed and takes a more openly aggressive personality. Many times I have to go back and think about the situation and then I’ll get angry and think, “Oh! I should have said this or that”. I know that it depends on the situation, but in general is it better to be out in the open with your thoughts and ideas before you’ve had a chance to think things through?

Speaking out or not speaking out has nothing to do with being passive-aggressive. Nothing at all. I guess some people are using “passive-aggressive” to mean things it doesn’t mean really, or you wouldn’t be asking the question. (It reminds me of many years ago, that stupid Alanis Morissette song, where the only (even slightly) ironic thing about it was that none of the examples in the song had any element of irony in them.)

It is not possible to be passive-aggressive in a discussion of opinion. Whether it is better to speak out at the time, before you have a chance to think things through, that is a different question. I would think that in general it matters how you speak up. I mean, it’s possible to put a pointed question into a conversation that changes its direction, without making any kind of dogmatic statement that you can’t back up because you haven’t totally thought it through.

Sometimes it might be better to be passive aggressive.

It never is better to lie to people about what you intend to do, or about the reasons that you have failed to meet your commitments. It is manipulative, sneaky, and besides that, really rude. That is what being passive-aggressive is, and I haven’t seen any indication that you are being passive-aggressive at all.

But it’s certainly OK to change your mind about your opinions. And it’s OK to listen to other people having a discussion about things you disagree with, without talking about your disagreement. As long as you don’t say anything that agrees with them, it’s generally up to your judgment whether you can accomplish anything useful by saying anything. For example, I have some friends that are very liberal atheists. When I am at a gathering at their house and politics comes up, I generally just mention my disagreement (eventually) and leave it at that. I’m not going to change anyone’s mind in that situation, and I don’t want to be the one antelope brought down by the lion pride.

–Jen