Is this relationship a violation of Catholic teachings?

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dkong_469

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So I have a very good friend who is 18 that is in a relationship with a younger girl, 15. I know that they genuinely care for each other, and have been together for over a year now.

Recently, my friend told me about how he felt much more physically drawn to her, but wasn’t sure what was allowed under the Catechism and what wasn’t.

I did some research and found that the Church does not condone anything “reserved for marriage” between two people before marriage, but there was no further description given.

At the risk of violation of the no explicit chatter rule that I read before writing this thread, I was wondering if you were familiar with the first, second, and third base language that is used among younger people today.

Otherwise, are my two friends allowed to do more than hug and kiss each other as long as they refrain from sex, or is anything above kissing not condoned by the Church?

I know that both of my friends take the Church very seriously, and from reading some threads on other topics, I know that most people here do, too, and I’m looking out for their eternal souls, and I’m certain that they wouldn’t object.

Please let me know what your take on this is, especially if they are living in a life of mortal sin (violation of the catechism) or if they are allowed to physically express their feelings for one another (up to a limit). I know that we shouldn’t talk about hard limits, because then we’ll just want to toe the line, but I think that it would be really helpful right now.

Thank you very much, and I look forward to what you have to say.
 
I don’t think this situation is against anything in the church, per se.

However, it may not be the most prudent thing to do…
 
I’m not Catholic, so I’ll leave that question alone.
Even so, as a protestant, sex b/f marriage is a
big NO.

Your friend is 18, she is 15.
Do her parents know? Approve?
He’d best be very cautious with this ‘relationship’
b/c if they’re not, or if he and she have a nasty
breakup, and there’s sex involved, he could be
looking at statutory rape charges.

He would be labled a sexual offender, and it would
affect the rest of his life. High price to pay, it seems
to me. The ‘nasty breakup’ comment above?
He could be charged with stat rape even w/o sex,
if she chose to say so.

Very dangerous game he’s playing. I suggest he
remain (distant, well chaperoned) friends with her,
and save himself and everyone else a lot of trouble.
 
Just a few things that you mentioned:

Yes, her parents like him, and even though they’re really overprotective (I mean really), they still like him enough to give them time alone.

And no, neither of them plans on having sex (that I know of, but I know them both really well) before they’re married. But, they are teenagers, and from what he’s told me, he feels strongly physically attracted to her even though they haven’t done much together physically in the past.

I also forgot to mention that he’s at college now, about a hundred miles away from her, so they only meet once or twice a month…

Thank you very much for your insight, though. I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, because it’s always good to have another pair of eyes look at a situation.
 
dkong_469 said:
So I have a very good friend who is 18 that is in a relationship with a younger girl, 15. I know that they genuinely care for each other, and have been together for over a year now.

Recently, my friend told me about how he felt much more physically drawn to her, but wasn’t sure what was allowed under the Catechism and what wasn’t.
.
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nothing is allowed under natural law, as well as Church law, in the physical sense, that belongs only to marriage. Minors may not marry in the Church without parental consent. Since it is doubtful they can legally marry in her state, and even more doubtful that they are in any sense ready for marriage in terms of education, finances, maturity psycological and emotional, no physical relationship is appropriate. at all. he had better check the laws in his state before he even contemplates such a thing because he could be looking at jail time.

parents of a 15-yr-old girl who object to her relationship with an 18 yr old college man who has admitted his attraction is physical, are not being over protective. If they did not object they would be guilty of neglect and dumber than spit.
 
An 18 year old college student has no business pursuing an 15 year old. Her parents ARE dumber than spit.
 
No problem, and your welcome.

Him being away at college, I think there’s an awfully big
‘experience’ gap between them. They’re in two different worlds, and I think he’d be better off focusing on school and his new life right now.

Again, just stay friends, but if the physical attraction is too much, he may be best to break it off. She’ll be around in three years, and legal then too. Taking it slow, very, very, slow, is the best bet.
 
Strictly speaking, Church law doesn’t prevent them from dating. Canon law sets the minimum age for marriage at 14 for women and 16 for men. There are no restrictions based on age difference, either, so one person could be much older than the other. For example, a 30-year old man could marry a 14-year old girl legally, according to Church law. However, in western society we have certain cultural norms that should be considered for practical reasons.

So, there is no problem, in itself, with the ages of the couple in question. Moral law forbids seeking sexual gratification outside of marriage, so anything involving that kind of activity would be wrong for ANY unmarried couple, regardless of their ages. As to whether their relationship is prudent, that’s a different isse that depends on where each person is with their life, their plans for the future, their intentions and behavior towards each other, etc.
 
Here is a general rule of thumb that can be applied to nearly all younger people.

As for displays of affection, that is touching and physical contact, anything that they would be willing to do in front of their parents is probably okay. If there is something that they would rather not do in front of their parents, they they should refrain from that until they are joined in the sacrament of marriage.

In addition, in many states, this 18 year old does not even have to lay a hand on this 15 year old child to be considered guilty of statutory rape. The best advice is to terminate contact.

So the short answer to the subject line question is basically “Yes. It is also against common sense.”
 
Dear dkong.

Oh dear… here I go again… This is something I know the taste of. Physical attraction… thats a very strong human passion. And the taste of failing in the area of chastity is extremely bitter… especially for a young woman.
These friends of yours need a lot of help in order to avoid stepping over the line…

So I suggest this. Because this is basically what changed my own life and the lives of thousands of others.

Go to this link
pureloveclub.com/seminars/index.php?id=5

and chose: **public high school talk ** (just do it, you wont regret it.)

Listen to it in peace…(its for you too)… and then pass it on to both of your friends… They will get greatly strengthened by this.

With lots of care.
Grace <><
 
I know two teens who like each other. I think the age difference is the same as the couple in the OP or one year less. They are not actually dating, but they are friends and their parents supervise their contact and approve of what has happened between them (not much). If this couple was to remain friends/“date”, and one was eighteen and the other was not, I would see absolutely no problem with it.

That being said, the couple in question here is going to have to wait for a really long time for this relationship to be able to go anywhere. Because of that, I think it would be unwise to get physically involved more than would happen in front of parents. It will only make them more impatient and that is not something they can afford to be right now.

You said they have been together for over a year and have a good relationship, and that her parents know about it and like him. Both of those are good signs. Nevertheless, she won’t be eighteen for three years. So they need to take it slowly. Any kind of physical involvement with kissing and beyond will not help them at all.
 
dkong_469 said:
And no, neither of them plans on having sex (that I know of, but I know them both really well) before they’re married. But, they are teenagers, and from what he’s told me, he feels strongly physically attracted to her even though they haven’t done much together physically in the past.
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In order for him to maintain the intention of remaining chaste until marriage, I would recommend the nothing below the collar or above the hem rule. When a young man feels “strongly” physically attracted, one touch is as good as throwing a match in the brush in L.A. on an August day – bad idea.
 
Any demonstration of physical affection that they would not do in front of their parents is too much. So, a kiss that is a peck or a hug that is chaste… is fine. Other than that-- off limits. In the language of “bases” they should not even be “at bat”.
 
1ke said:
Any demonstration of physical affection that they would not do in front of their parents is too much. So, a kiss that is a peck or a hug that is chaste… is fine. Other than that-- off limits. In the language of “bases” they should not even be “at bat”.
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👍

Yep. They are still in dugout and not even on the roster.
 
1ke said:
Any demonstration of physical affection that they would not do in front of their parents is too much. So, a kiss that is a peck or a hug that is chaste… is fine. Other than that-- off limits. In the language of “bases” they should not even be “at bat”.
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Well said.

But on the point of their ages, given the circumstances of present-day society and law, they should not be dating at all. He is an adult and she is a minor. They started dating a year ago? So he was 17 and she was 14? Even though he was a minor at the time, in my opinion she was too young to be dating at all, and too young to be dating him. (I think there may be some psychological issues on his part if he is attracted only to 14/15 year olds.)
 
18 and 15, not that bad, but still BE CAREFUL, he would definitely have a criminal record if he had sex with her, best not to kiss, these things lead to too much.

And for the record, the catholic church forbids doing anything that would lead to immorality in a relationship, this includes purposely getting into a tempting situation.

Sex is out of the question until marriage, nothing wrong with hugging or kissing, but then again, beware
 
Ron_Conte said:
(I think there may be some psychological issues on his part if he is attracted only to 14/15 year olds.)
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Are you a liscenced psychologist with experience with these types of relationships? Even if you are, have you spoken with or even met these individuals? Do you really know anything about them? It is one thig to say something like “these types of relationships tend not to work well”, but to make an unfounded assumption about the young man’s psychological health seems rash and inappropriate.
 
Ron_Conte said:
Well said.

But on the point of their ages, given the circumstances of present-day society and law, they should not be dating at all. He is an adult and she is a minor. They started dating a year ago? So he was 17 and she was 14? Even though he was a minor at the time, in my opinion she was too young to be dating at all, and too young to be dating him. (I think there may be some psychological issues on his part if he is attracted only to 14/15 year olds.)
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Present day society’s views have no basis for moral correctness, so everytime society’s views change we must too change our definition of morals?

I don’t think much of 3 year differences personally, though I reckon 17 and 14 is kind of odd because 14 is rather…immature and 17 is only starting the maturing process. But to claim someone has a psychological disorder is a far cry and rather derogatory.
 
I would like to suggest that you get them a copy of Theology of the Body for Teens! A great resource and full of things to think about while dating.
I personally think she should not be dating yet. And that he should be attending Mass and getting involved with the Catholic Student Center on his campus.
I would also like to suggest reading over these:
www.catholic.com/chastity/chastity_questions.asp
to better understand about dating vs courtship.

Also, pray for them!

God bless!
SingtotheLord
with praise and thanksgiving for HE IS RISEN! :amen:
 
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