Is this right or wrong?

[nana3]

My niece who is 15 years old wrote an email to all her aunts and my parents. She is asking us all for forgive her dad for the divorce and the damage he has done to her, her brother, and her mother. He has abused them physically and his wife at the time, who he now is divorced from as well, sexually molested his son, our nephew. She said that the reason she is writing the email is that now that her dad is no longer a cop, he was fired, and now a trucker, he needs a place to stay when he comes to visit them, his children. My sister, their mother, is fine with him staying at their house for three nights in another room. My parents own that house and live across the street from my sister and are giving my sister about $1000 a month plus paying her gas. Her ex,my nieces’ dad is not paying his full child support. He went many years before without paying child support and is behind in payments. My parents realizing that my sister will never be able to rely on this man financially are helping my sister finish her education. So they have not only paid for many years of court appearances due to custody battles, paid for my nephew’s medical bills due to behavioral problems due to the abuse he was receiving that went through so much of their saving, they are still financially supporting my sister and her two kids. So now my niece thinks we, the rest of the family, are being unChristian and unCatholic by not allowing her dad to stay the night at her house. My parents do not like the idea and it really bothers my dad. This man has apologized to my sister and his kids for all he has done to them, but he has made no apology to my parents for all the lies he said about them and to the rest of us. My dad is a good provider and he doesn’t understand how a man can go years without providing financially for his kids. So he could not find work for years as a cop, but he could have worked as something else. He didn’t. He just stayed unemployed and didn’t give financial help to my sister. Most of us have forgiven him for he has come already to family events, like Christmas, but staying at my sister’s house overnight everytime he comes into town is asking too much for my parents.

Am I wrong? Should we just allow him to stay nights at my sister’s house? My dad is one that may allow it if my niece keeps asking and cries about it, but it will eat him up until he gets high blood pressure or other health problems. He already has some problems. He is angry at all this man has done to his daughter and grandkids. I can’t go into all he has done. Let me tell you that it took every ounce of being a Catholic for me to forgive him for he kept hurting my sister over and over again. But I think she still loves him and someday may take him back unless he takes on another girlfriend. For now he doesn’t have a girlfriend and that is why he needs a place to crash when he comes to visit his kids. He is very nice to my sister when he doesn’t have a wife or girlfriend, but when he does have a wife or girlfriend he becomes another man and is just mean to the kids and to my sister. That is why we don’t understand my sister and why she would allow him to stay the night there. It is almost an abusive state she is in.

Anyway, this has caused problems between myself and my best friend, my sister, and her kids. Our relationship have suffered because I am honest in my opinions when they ask me. Also, my parents are paying so much money to my sister and I found out she is paying treatments for her dog that can’t walk. He has something wrong with him and is dragging his back legs. I told her to put him asleep and found out she is paying for acupuncture for the dog and aqua therapy. I was so upset. She is hiding this from my dad. My dad doesn’t understand where all the money he gives my sister is going and that is where it is going. I won’t tell him, but I did tell my sister what she is doing is a sin and now, yet again, we are not talking that much anymore. We use to talk daily and that stopped a year ago when I could not take it anymore. She would not listen to anyones advice and do as she pleased and it would come out all wrong. It would end up using my parent’s money. It angered all of us sisters, but I was the one to speak out.

I guess what prompted my niece to write her email is that I dared to tell my sister in an email that truckers earn better money then cops for he is paying her very little at this time. She wrote about it in her email. Now he did something that my dh adviced him not to do having two brothers that are truckers and that is to lease a truck. My dh told him if he did, he would have to pay for his own gas and his money would be less and sure enough that is the problem or choice he made, but he still has the financial obligation to pay child support. At least that is what I told my niece. He did not have to lease. He is not rich and was starting out. My neighbor started out recently as a trucker and started to make good money. He did not lease though.

Anyway, I just want to know if my parents and the rest of us have the right to tell our sister that her ex should not be staying overnight at their house? Oh, I forgot to mention that by him doing this also, their son has told me that he thinks his parents will get back together. So it raises his hopes and we are not sure if they will get back together

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Anyway, I just want to know if my parents and the rest of us have the right to tell our sister that her ex should not be staying overnight at their house?

In a word, no.

If your parents are upset with the fact that their daughter is allowing her ex-husband to stay in property they own, they can ask her to either find somewhere else for him to stay or move out.

How much her ex-husband owes your sister in child support is between him, your sister, and the courts. How much he makes now compared to how much he made while in a different profession and how this effects his payments is also between the two of them and the courts. If he’s stopped CS payments, is underpaying, or otherwise being negligent in making payments, your sister needs to contact the family courts in her area and find out what her options are.

If you know that your niece and hes sibling(s) are currently being abused by their father (or any other person, for that matter) contact your county’s Child Protective Services as well as the police. Other than that, this isn’t your fight.

The fact that a 15-year-old is intervening on behalf of her father and mother with adult relatives indicates that everyone involved has unhealthy boundary issues that need to be checked. Tell your niece that her parents need to work out her father’s sleeping arrangements between themselves and she needs to respect whatever their decision is.

Were I you I’d take a big step back from this entire situation.

Luna

 

[Castello]

Forgivness is a powerful thing. Christ requires us to forgive our enemies and to do good to those who have done bad things to us.

 

[Trishie]

I think your Dad, your parents, are the ones who have to make the decision.

Your niece is perhaps affected by the fact that her mother cannot think objectively about this man. As a mother I wouldn’t allow a proven child abuser to stay anywhere near my child or any grandchild, but your sister seems to have no such qualms. There doesn’t seem to be a good moral compass in her heart or in the heart of her ex-husband, including no conscience towards your parents. This lack of balance is naturally shared with their daughter, who may have been encouraged by one or both of her parents to write the email. In any case, your sister is very enabled by her parents continuing support of her.

I don’t know that you can do more than your calmly and quietly stated objections, and to pray for your sister and the children, and this man.
I understand yours and your sister’s distress for your parents.
It is your poor parents who have to make the decision on whether or not to allow this man to stay in their house.
My prayers that God will guide your parents in their decision, and that God will protect your parents’ health and well being.
My prayers for you and your siblings who suffer over the injustices your parents have endured and your concern for your sister’s family.
God bless you all

 

[Daralharb]

All things considered- “dad” molested the son; that man lost his rights to anything relating to seeing his children, and if not legally, ethically. The woman should be arrested for letting that monster anywhere near the child.

His pedophile butt should be slipping in a jail cell, not in the same house in a different room.

Feelings schmeelings, this is a situation so disturbing the internet is the last place to be talking about this. Priest, cops, DA; not the internet.

 

[monicatholic]

Forgiveness means to hold no resentment, to harbor no ill will, to desire no wrong to come to another.

Reconciliation begins with forgiveness and requires both parties to want to repair the relationship.

Forgiveness can happen without reconciliation. Some relationships shouldn’t be repaired.

How does the abused son feel about this? Is he old enough now to protect himself? Does he have recourse right now, to counseling in order to examine this?

If these kids are still young and potential victims, your dad needs to stand up and stand firm. He’s the only protection they have. He needs to say no.

If the kids are old enough to protect themselves, your dad needs to speak with each one separately so he can make a decision based on THEIR needs and perspectives, not based on your sister’s potentially enabling denial.

Darslharb’s post points to a most pertinent question-- why no conviction?

 

[nana3]

I think your Dad, your parents, are the ones who have to make the decision.

Your niece is perhaps affected by the fact that her mother cannot think objectively about this man. As a mother I wouldn’t allow a proven child abuser to stay anywhere near my child or any grandchild, but your sister seems to have no such qualms. There doesn’t seem to be a good moral compass in her heart or in the heart of her ex-husband, including no conscience towards your parents. This lack of balance is naturally shared with their daughter, who may have been encouraged by one or both of her parents to write the email. In any case, your sister is very enabled by her parents continuing support of her.

I don’t know that you can do more than your calmly and quietly stated objections, and to pray for your sister and the children, and this man.
I understand yours and your sister’s distress for your parents.
It is your poor parents who have to make the decision on whether or not to allow this man to stay in their house.
My prayers that God will guide your parents in their decision, and that God will protect your parents’ health and well being.
My prayers for you and your siblings who suffer over the injustices your parents have endured and your concern for your sister’s family.
God bless you all

I agree with you completely. There is not much I can do now but pray. Thank you for your words.

 

[nana3]

All things considered- “dad” molested the son; that man lost his rights to anything relating to seeing his children, and if not legally, ethically. The woman should be arrested for letting that monster anywhere near the child.

His pedophile butt should be slipping in a jail cell, not in the same house in a different room.

Feelings schmeelings, this is a situation so disturbing the internet is the last place to be talking about this. Priest, cops, DA; not the internet.

Everything is in the past. DCF or CPS has been called 8 times in the past on this man and his wife at the time. He got away with it all we guess because he was a cop himself and so was his wife. We did not understand. We still don’t understand how he got away with it all. But all that I mention is in the past and what is why my niece asks us to forgive her dad, which most of us have. I have one sister who has mental health issues and lives next door to my niece and I believe she is talking more about her. I don’t think she will ever forgive this man for her husband also left her for another woman. So she has been hurt by a man as well. Also, mentally, she is incapable to understand a lot. I have tried to explain this to my niece, but she doe not get it or fails to understand.

The dad did not molest the son, his wife did and he did not know anything at the time. In fact the woman he was married to threatened my nephew and told him that she would kill his dad and his mother if he ever told anyone. He kept quiet until they got divorce and then he told the truth. It was two years afterwards. Poor thing held it in for so long. He is still in therapy for sexual abuse therapy.

 

[nana3]

Forgiveness means to hold no resentment, to harbor no ill will, to desire no wrong to come to another.

Reconciliation begins with forgiveness and requires both parties to want to repair the relationship.

Forgiveness can happen without reconciliation. Some relationships shouldn’t be repaired.

How does the abused son feel about this? Is he old enough now to protect himself? Does he have recourse right now, to counseling in order to examine this?

If these kids are still young and potential victims, your dad needs to stand up and stand firm. He’s the only protection they have. He needs to say no.

If the kids are old enough to protect themselves, your dad needs to speak with each one separately so he can make a decision based on THEIR needs and perspectives, not based on your sister’s potentially enabling denial.

Darslharb’s post points to a most pertinent question-- why no conviction?

The abused son has forgiven his dad and told his dad that if he ever lays a hand on him again, he would beat him up. He in in karate and can defend himself. He is now 12 years old. The abused son does not like the woman who molested him and does not talk well of her at all. He is upset that his dad is still friends with her even after they are divorce. My niece asked her dad if he believes her brother was sexually molested and he said no, he doesn’t believe it and that he is making up the whole story. He has been to many counselors and the story is exactly the same and in detail and so they told my sister he is not lying and it happened. He loves his dad though he fears him. He always wants to see his dad. The one who didn’t care if she saw her dad was my niece and that is why we were shocked by her email. We think she is more feeling sorry for him because he has no one now in his life to go and stay with. We believe she has finally forgiven her dad. Something I have encourage her for years. That is the only reason she wrote the email. She over exacted a lot in the email like saying we are all talking about her dad. No one is doing that. Only one of my sister is doing that and she has mental health problems. Like one of my other sister’s told my niece, when she sent out this email to the whole family, she should not have generalized it to us all and just talked to the person who she had the problem with. So there is no boundary issue. There is boundary issues with those who live close together, but I don’t know much about that for all I hear is that niece is always at my other sister’s house and my parents house. She brings up her dad a lot too.

Anyway, no one wishes harm on the ex-husband or the dad but we don’t think he should be in the house either with the kids and my sister.

 

[nana3]

All things considered- “dad” molested the son; that man lost his rights to anything relating to seeing his children, and if not legally, ethically. The woman should be arrested for letting that monster anywhere near the child.

His pedophile butt should be slipping in a jail cell, not in the same house in a different room.

Feelings schmeelings, this is a situation so disturbing the internet is the last place to be talking about this. Priest, cops, DA; not the internet.

Legally, my sister has to allow her children to see their dad. She tried in court to get supervised visitation, but the judge denied it. The judge believed everything this man said for he was a cop and the judge use to be a cop. Even when a photo of proof was shown to the judge of physical abuse on my nephew of a belt mark, the judge said the dad had the right to punish his son. Of course, my sister’s attorney said not to the point of leaving a mark for that is abuse,but he did not listen. So it didn’t matter what my sister said, the judge said this man could see this his children alone. She did protect her kids one whole summer and denied him visitation and was told she was in contempt of court. The judge was not too hard on her, but her ex wanted him to put her in prison. He did not for the sake of the kids. So legally, she did all she could to protect them, but she has to and still has to let him see them. At least now, he see them very seldom and if at her house, she can keep an eye on him, but I honestly don’t know why she would want him to stay overnight. I think it is like Trishie said about her where my sister can’t think objectively.

 

[cmscms]

Dear Nana3, since you are the person writing the OP, I will gear my advice towards you. Trust me, I would have a lot to say to your parents and sister but they are not the ones asking ‘Is this right or wrong’

It sounds to me like there is a LOT of co-depency involved here and forgive my bluntess, but you are part of it. I find it very odd/uncharitble the way there is so much writing about the ex-husbands income and using that as a benchmark as to whether or not he should pay child support. I can’t help but think that if a man’s income drops significantly, he can go back to court to have the support re-adjusted. But at the end of the day, if your sister is not calling her lawyer, there is nothing you can do and it would be best to let it go.

Also, unless your dad asks you directly ‘Where does your sister spend all the money I am giving her’ the financial arragement is between them. I would not like to see my father taken advantage of (which is why I would tell about acupuncture for the dog) but at the end of the day, your dad is a grown man and if he is going to keep handing money over to your sister, that is his choice.

It appears you have maid your opinions known to your sister and I am assuming this was done in a loving way. You have done your job. If your sister does not change her ways, you have the right to your boundaries ‘Sis, I no longer want to discuss this’ but you have no right to expect her to change.

I think this best would be to let it go

CM

 

[joanofarc2008]

Dear nana - I wouldn’t let the man anywhere near the children even if every last cent were paid and every last apology were made. It is just not safe. God bless.

 

[bearkatjen]

Absolutely everyone involved should work on forgiving this man, but that doesn’t mean he should sleep over at the same house as his victims. Him sleeping over is a safety concern. It has nothing to do with child support or holding grudges, it’s quite simply not a safe situation.

 

[nana3]

Dear Nana3, since you are the person writing the OP, I will gear my advice towards you. Trust me, I would have a lot to say to your parents and sister but they are not the ones asking ‘Is this right or wrong’

It sounds to me like there is a LOT of co-depency involved here and forgive my bluntess, but you are part of it. I find it very odd/uncharitble the way there is so much writing about the ex-husbands income and using that as a benchmark as to whether or not he should pay child support. I can’t help but think that if a man’s income drops significantly, he can go back to court to have the support re-adjusted. But at the end of the day, if your sister is not calling her lawyer, there is nothing you can do and it would be best to let it go.

Also, unless your dad asks you directly ‘Where does your sister spend all the money I am giving her’ the financial arragement is between them. I would not like to see my father taken advantage of (which is why I would tell about acupuncture for the dog) but at the end of the day, your dad is a grown man and if he is going to keep handing money over to your sister, that is his choice.

It appears you have maid your opinions known to your sister and I am assuming this was done in a loving way. You have done your job. If your sister does not change her ways, you have the right to your boundaries ‘Sis, I no longer want to discuss this’ but you have no right to expect her to change.

I think this best would be to let it go

CM

I want to say this with all respect but we are not being uncharitable to the ex-husband. I can’t obviously go into all the details here of the child support, but he owes my sister in child child alone over $30,000 and in medical bills it is higher than that. When he lost his job and was without work, my sister informed him that he should go to the courthouse and show proof that he was out of work so that they won’t keep adding on that he owes child support. He ignored her. When his income decreased, she did the same, again he ignored her. Her son one time accidently told her that his dad was working, but he was telling my sister he was not. So he is not incident here at all. He just didn’t want to pay. So don’t say that we are not being sympathetic to this man. He could have gotten more than one job or a job outside of being a cop. In fact, he went to court one time and on the bench said he could not work as a cop because of heart problems, but then later he said he could not do any work but be a cop. He was and is a good liar. You don’t know him. Yes, we forgive him, but he keeps using my sister, but as you said, there is nothing we can do about that. If my sister wants to be made of fool of over and over again, than what can we do.

I found out that my other three sisters thought my email was beautiful and honest. There was nothing offensive in there, but yet this sister and my niece took great offense to it and were angered by the email. So I am out of it all. My niece was the one to start all this with her email, but if she ever does again, I am going to ignore whatever she writes. One thing we all agree on is that whatever is said to this one sister, she is angered by it and takes offense so it is best to just not say anything.

Yes, my dad has asked me where the money goes, but again I am staying out of that one too.

 

[nana3]

Dear nana - I wouldn’t let the man anywhere near the children even if every last cent were paid and every last apology were made. It is just not safe. God bless.

I agree with you, but according to the State of Florida, he has the right to see his kids and he can see them alone. He can have them every other weekend and two weeks in the summer. There is nothing my sister can do about that. He got away with the abuse being a cop.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I agree with you, but according to the State of Florida, he has the right to see his kids and he can see them alone. He can have them every other weekend and two weeks in the summer. There is nothing my sister can do about that. He got away with the abuse being a cop.

Oh yes, the Great State of Florida - that is where my divorce was - say no more. I will hold you ALL up in prayer.

 

[nana3]

Absolutely everyone involved should work on forgiving this man, but that doesn’t mean he should sleep over at the same house as his victims. Him sleeping over is a safety concern. It has nothing to do with child support or holding grudges, it’s quite simply not a safe situation.

I agree with you completely. There are some in my family though that it may take longer to forgive. I agree with all your statements!!!

 

[Allegra]

There doesn’t seem to be a blessed thing your can do about this situation. It isn’t your house and it’s between your sister and her former husband. If your parents want to intercede, then I wouldn’t blame them, though.

 

[cmscms]

I want to say this with all respect but we are not being uncharitable to the ex-husband. I can’t obviously go into all the details here of the child support, but he owes my sister in child child alone over $30,000 and in medical bills it is higher than that.

OK, maybe I was not clear by what I meant by uncharitable. Saying you resent the man for not paying your sister child support is normal because no one wants to see her sister go through that.

However, to write that your husband told him not to lease and truck and imply you are mad that he went ahead and did it anyways, is crossing a boundary. The details of his income are between him and your sister.

As a grown woman, you can set yoru boundaries with your sister, but you can’t tell her who to let stay at her house. If there is a legitimate concern for the safety of the kids, call the cops. But beyond that there is nothing to be done

CM