Is this what I get for trying to please everyone?

[anon98328916]

My niece and nephews are on mid-term this week. I had a few days off work and asked my 2 sisters could they stay over for a few nights. The problem is my nephew stayed two nights and wants to stay another night to see his cousins, I said ok but I contacted my other sister and she said my niece and nephew don’t want to stay over now cause of their cousin staying! The kids were texting me upset and said they just want it to be them and me but I tried to explain to my sister I didn’t have many days off work and I am trying to please everyone. My nephew is getting an extra night over too which they are upset about but I said they can come over another time to make that up. I feel my sister could of explained the situation to the kids instead of this! I feel awful now and I feel my niece and nephew went to bed upset. I am so annoyed and upset now and to top things off I was at confession today and I trying not to get mad. Any advice on what I could do?

 

[EasterJoy]

I am going to assume you did not make it a point when you issued your original invitation to say that you were planning to host your niece and nephew and no one else, but rather just asked if they would like to come.

You didn’t try to please everyone. You just assumed that the two coming would not mind if they had to “share” you and your home with the nephew now staying on because you didn’t mind. You thought your guests would all be pleased to allow you to be their host, whether or not they happened to be your only guests.

You guessed wrong, and they were ungracious enough to let you know it, and not even in a slightly graceful way. If these young people are old enough to text, they’re old enough to know better than that. Their parents ought to be apologizing that the young people lacked the experience to know this was a faux pas on their part.

You can explain that it did not occur to you that your guests would take it upon themselves to limit which other guests you could invite to your own home, as it would never have occurred to you to do such a thing yourself.

I mean, really: Can you imagine someone asking to host you for dinner, finding that they had invited guests other than yourself without (gasp!) asking your permission first? Of course you might be disappointed, if you had hoped to be your host’s only guest. I am sure it would never occur to you to turn down the invitation after you learned you would not be the only guest or that guests had been invited that didn’t thrill you.

The only exception, of course, is if you aren’t offering sleeping accommodations appropriate for the genders and the ages of the guests involved. Young ladies should not have to sleep in the same room with young men even if they are cousins. I’m guessing you did not do that.

I don’t know what else you do in the future, save decline your nephew’s request to stay on. You can’t really put the niece and nephew on the spot to ask if it is OK if you have another guest, because if they are polite at all they will say they do not mind whether or not they actually do mind. It is up to you, the host, to guess at what they will and won’t mind.

I don’t think you committed any sin, here. Your nephew who asked probably should not have put you on the spot to extend his invitation. It was up to you whether or not to ask him to stay on for longer, whether he asked or not, unless you had some kind of implied promise with the later guests that they wouldn’t have to “share” you. Your niece and nephew who threw a fit were definitely rude, even if they had an understandable reason to be upset. As a guest, you must be gracious about it when the accommodations change from what you had hoped. Period.

Since your sister doesn’t see that her little darlings are being rude (probably because she feels free to be honest with you instead of being polite to you), I think I’d simply apologize that the freaking-out guests are upset, explain that it did not occur to you that they wouldn’t make room for you to invite any guests besides them, and tell them you won’t do that again. Whether you invite them less often because of their lack of flexibility and grace as guests is totally up to you.

 

[angell1]

My niece and nephews are on mid-term this week. I had a few days off work and asked my 2 sisters could they stay over for a few nights. The problem is my nephew stayed two nights and wants to stay another night to see his cousins, I said ok but I contacted my other sister and she said my niece and nephew don’t want to stay over now cause of their cousin staying! The kids were texting me upset and said they just want it to be them and me but I tried to explain to my sister I didn’t have many days off work and I am trying to please everyone. My nephew is getting an extra night over too which they are upset about but I said they can come over another time to make that up. I feel my sister could of explained the situation to the kids instead of this! I feel awful now and I feel my niece and nephew went to bed upset. I am so annoyed and upset now and to top things off I was at confession today and I trying not to get mad. Any advice on what I could do?

the only reason I can think of as to why this might be an issue is if there some problem between the cousins.

if not, the kids are just being difficult. there’s no mandate that it be you and them only.

if they’re old enough to text, I’m assuming we’re not talking about 5 year olds, are we? it’s a bit of a ridiculus thing to be upset about, in the first place. my parents would have grounded me for years if I threw a temper tantrum at my aunt about something like this.

maybe you can ask them why it upsets them so much? and explain to them that some situations need compromises. eg. their cousin needing to stay that extra night

 

[angell1]

My niece and nephews are on mid-term this week. I had a few days off work and asked my 2 sisters could they stay over for a few nights. The problem is my nephew stayed two nights and wants to stay another night to see his cousins, I said ok but I contacted my other sister and she said my niece and nephew don’t want to stay over now cause of their cousin staying! The kids were texting me upset and said they just want it to be them and me but I tried to explain to my sister I didn’t have many days off work and I am trying to please everyone. My nephew is getting an extra night over too which they are upset about but I said they can come over another time to make that up. I feel my sister could of explained the situation to the kids instead of this! I feel awful now and I feel my niece and nephew went to bed upset. I am so annoyed and upset now and to top things off I was at confession today and I trying not to get mad. Any advice on what I could do?

and were they told that your other nephew was staying an extra specifically because he wanted to see them?

 

[EasterJoy]

the only reason I can think of as to why this might be an issue is if there some problem between the cousins.

if not, the kids are just being difficult. there’s no mandate that it be you and them only.

if they’re old enough to text, I’m assuming we’re not talking about 5 year olds, are we? it’s a bit of a ridiculus thing to be upset about, in the first place. my parents would have grounded me for years if I threw a temper tantrum at my aunt about something like this.

maybe you can ask them why it upsets them so much? and explain to them that some situations need compromises. eg. their cousin needing to stay that extra night

You’re right: under normal circumstances, their behavior was over the top rude.

If there is a problem between the cousins, the hosting aunt ought to have been told discretely and in a “with deep regrets” kind of way.

 

[mommy_k]

I would not get involved with the cousins getting along and such.

When they said they didn’t want to come because thier cousin is there an extra night–would have said, ok, I’ll miss seeing you.

That’s it…no chit chat about why, who, when and so on.

 

[seagal]

I would not get involved with the cousins getting along and such.

When they said they didn’t want to come because thier cousin is there an extra night–would have said, ok, I’ll miss seeing you.

That’s it…no chit chat about why, who, when and so on.

^^ This

You are not responsible for the carryings on of other people. If they choose not to be in each other’s company that’s their choice.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would not get involved with the cousins getting along and such.

When they said they didn’t want to come because their cousin is there an extra night–would have said, ok, I’ll miss seeing you.

That’s it…no chit chat about why, who, when and so on.

This is the typical way a host would handle it. When the mother of these guests is your sister, you can expect there will be more dialogue than this. If not, well, that is the sister’s call.

I would think, by the way, that these two sisters were raised by the same parents and can discuss this matter based on how their own mother would have handled it. Most of us have parents that would have told us to suck it up and go unless we had a very serious reason (such as past torment or abuse coming from this cousin) to decline the original invitation.

As for: … the kids were texting me upset and said they just want it to be them …

Since they are only children, this is when you call their mother, your sister, and ask her to explain to them that this kind of complaining is just not done. If there was some hidden abuse from the disliked cousin, they need to say so, but they need to use that as the reason they are unfortunately sending regrets. They do not throw a fit to get their host to withdraw an invitation to someone else, not unless it is someone so bad they think she will never want to darken the door of her home ever again. “I am their aunt, I appreciate that they feel they can be honest with me, but you can’t send them out into the world thinking that it is OK to send a text like that to a host. That’s going to get them into some trouble, some day.”

Do not approach the cubs directly, though. Talk to Mama Bear. Anything you say that upsets her will make her far more angry if you say it directly to her children.

 

[Allegra]

In my opinion, your niece and nephews are being ungrateful snots. I would tell them all to stay home.

 

[mommy_k]

This is the typical way a host would handle it. When the mother of these guests is your sister, you can expect there will be more dialogue than this. If not, well, that is the sister’s call.

I would think, by the way, that these two sisters were raised by the same parents and can discuss this matter based on how their own mother would have handled it. Most of us have parents that would have told us to suck it up and go unless we had a very serious reason (such as past torment or abuse coming from this cousin) to decline the original invitation.

As for: … the kids were texting me upset and said they just want it to be them …

Since they are only children, this is when you call their mother, your sister, and ask her to explain to them that this kind of complaining is just not done. If there was some hidden abuse from the disliked cousin, they need to say so, but they need to use that as the reason they are unfortunately sending regrets. They do not throw a fit to get their host to withdraw an invitation to someone else, not unless it is someone so bad they think she will never want to darken the door of her home ever again. “I am their aunt, I appreciate that they feel they can be honest with me, but you can’t send them out into the world thinking that it is OK to send a text like that to a host. That’s going to get them into some trouble, some day.”

Do not approach the cubs directly, though. Talk to Mama Bear. Anything you say that upsets her will make her far more angry if you say it directly to her children.

The op said the sister told her about her kids not wanting to stay over because the nephew was there…then the kids texted after, thier mom aleady knew…
Every family is different, but for me I don’t want to know about drama, or gossip or taking sides.

 

[EasterJoy]

The op said the sister told her about her kids not wanting to stay over because the nephew was there…then the kids texted after, thier mom aleady knew…
Every family is different, but for me I don’t want to know about drama, or gossip or taking sides.

Until they are old enough to set their own curfew and run their own social calendar, their social faux pas against their auntie needs to be brought to the attention of at least one of their parents.

It is a mistake to address rudeness delivered by texting with a return text.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I have often been criticized for planning every detail in advance instead of going with the flow, but this is the perfect example of why I insist ‘failing to plan is planning to fail’

When you originally asked the niece and nephew come to come over, did you imply it was only them? Or did you let them know point blank their cousin would be there?

When you originally asked your nephew over, did you tell him point blank, you will be here for two days and then you must leave because your cousins are coming? Or did he only find out they were coming after he got to your place and then wanted to see them

The reality is, some people just don’t like to be around others. Even as adults we sometimes have to invite different people at different times because our friends don’t get along with each other. And just because someone is a minor, does not mean we can choose who they like.

Not to mention, if I was a mom and someone asked me if my child could come sleep over, it would never occur to me to ask ‘Are other kids sleeping over?’ I would have assumed it would have been up to you to offer that information eg ‘can your kids sleep over, it will be fun their cousin will be here’

As well, the mother of the niece and nephew has probably known for a long time her kids can’t stand their cousin. This happens all the time and just because it is convenient for siblings, doesn’t mean cousins have to like each other. Your sister maybe did not tell you about the friction to avoid gossip. Perhaps your nephew’s mom knew as well but did not have the heart to tell her son.

As much as I think the niece and nephew were not polite and you have a right to be mad they were disrespectful, you can’t really get mad at them for changing their plans without letting them know

Angie

 

[Allegra]

I have often been criticized for planning every detail in advance instead of going with the flow, but this is the perfect example of why I insist ‘failing to plan is planning to fail’

When you originally asked the niece and nephew come to come over, did you imply it was only them? Or did you let them know point blank their cousin would be there?

When you originally asked your nephew over, did you tell him point blank, you will be here for two days and then you must leave because your cousins are coming? Or did he only find out they were coming after he got to your place and then wanted to see them

The reality is, some people just don’t like to be around others. Even as adults we sometimes have to invite different people at different times because our friends don’t get along with each other. And just because someone is a minor, does not mean we can choose who they like.

Not to mention, if I was a mom and someone asked me if my child could come sleep over, it would never occur to me to ask ‘Are other kids sleeping over?’ I would have assumed it would have been up to you to offer that information eg ‘can your kids sleep over, it will be fun their cousin will be here’

As well, the mother of the niece and nephew has probably known for a long time her kids can’t stand their cousin. This happens all the time and just because it is convenient for siblings, doesn’t mean cousins have to like each other. Your sister maybe did not tell you about the friction to avoid gossip. Perhaps your nephew’s mom knew as well but did not have the heart to tell her son.

As much as I think the niece and nephew were not polite and you have a right to be mad they were disrespectful, you can’t really get mad at them for changing their plans without letting them know

Angie

I disagree very strongly with the idea that children or adults, for that matter, are allowed to randomly treat their own cousin with contempt. We don’t know if there is a legitimate reason for these kids to avoid their cousin, or if they just don’t think he’s cool enough for them. I have several cousins and relatives that I have very little in common with and who, were they not related to me, I admit I would probably not seek a friendship with them. But the fact is, they are my cousins. I love them. I spend time with them. When I’m around them, I try to show an interest in their lives and they do the same . It may be that these cousins have a legitimate reason to not feel comfortable around their cousin, but it doesn’t seem likely or the OP would have probably mentioned it.

 

[EasterJoy]

…The reality is, some people just don’t like to be around others. Even as adults we sometimes have to invite different people at different times because our friends don’t get along with each other. And just because someone is a minor, does not mean we can choose who they like…

As much as I think the niece and nephew were not polite and you have a right to be mad they were disrespectful, you can’t really get mad at them for changing their plans without letting them know

Angie

Anybody who got to be old enough to have a personal cell phone without learning that a polite guest rolls with the punches and accommodates what they get from a host graciously is on the “remedial” level when it comes to manners.

Etiquette does not allow us to let on that we have an anti-social side, even though most of us occasionally do. It does not allow us to let on that we are self-centered, even though to some extent we all are. It does not allow us to let on that we lack the grace to put the needs of others ahead of our own. It expects us to will ourselves to have it.

Etiquette does not require us to be good people, but it does require us to pretend that we are.

 

[As_for_my_House]

I don’t agree that the two cousins should buck up and pretend to enjoy a two day, overnight stay with a cousin that for some reason they do not look forward to spending a weekend with.

It is always a good idea when you invite guests for a long intimate social get-together, to let the guests know who will be included ,other than the assumed hosts. This should be done at the time of the invitation and * before *they accept your invitation.

Assuming that the 3rd cousin was intimate with his other cousins was a mistake.

That being said, there was a more gracious way for the two cousins to decline. They simply could have said something came up and that they can not attend. You, in turn should not ask for further explanation and should graciously accept their decline. *Had they only handled it this way. *This would avoid gossip and hard feeling in the family.

 

[mommy_k]

I agree with the above, and thier mom could have declined gracefully-with just saying something came up. Because she went into a bit too much detail, this screams to me that she will further gossip about the situation, if the op calls her to say her kids were rude to send inapprpriate texts

I have been baited into things before I started to just answer briefly on situations like this, and I can guarantee she will defend her kids and make the op feel guilty.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t agree that the two cousins should buck up and pretend to enjoy a two day, overnight stay with a cousin that for some reason they do not look forward to spending a weekend with.

It is always a good idea when you invite guests for a long intimate social get-together, to let the guests know who will be included ,other than the assumed hosts. This should be done at the time of the invitation and * before *they accept your invitation.

Assuming that the 3rd cousin was intimate with his other cousins was a mistake.

That being said, there was a more gracious way for the two cousins to decline. They simply could have said something came up and that they can not attend. You, in turn should not ask for further explanation and should graciously accept their decline. *Had they only handled it this way. *This would avoid gossip and hard feeling in the family.

Yes. There was hardly a less gracious way for the two cousins to have declined, since they had no convenient way to stand in their aunt’s literal presence, fall to the floor, and have a physical tantrum in protest. (I suppose they could have used Skype.) Next time, perhaps they need T-shirts that say “High Maintenance Guest”

Yes, the whole etiquette dance says that if a guest sends regrets after you inform them of a change in the guest list, you both pretend everyone is a nice person who would happily get along with everyone. If they are vague, you don’t insist they give you the real reason they declined. Good manners requires allowing others the room to keep their mouths closed when they don’t have something nice to say.

If the real reason for the last-minute regrets has nothing to do with the new guest, the guest sending last-minute regrets needs to make it clear that they hope that in the future they will have a chance to do an over-nighter with this last-minute addition. If they *don’t *say that, then maybe they have a real reason to have to back out and maybe they don’t, but do assume they would rather not get a second opportunity like the one they’ve backed out of. It is the original Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell. Do not force your guests to either lie pointblank about how they feel about your handpicked guest or else say something ungracious. That is not nice.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with the above, and thier mom could have declined gracefully-with just saying something came up. Because she went into a bit too much detail, this screams to me that she will further gossip about the situation, if the op calls her to say her kids were rude to send inapprpriate texts

I have been baited into things before I started to just answer briefly on situations like this, and I can guarantee she will defend her kids and make the op feel guilty.

You’re probably right. And really–if someone described this situation to me and then dissed their sister for daring to say their little darlings weren’t polite, I’d internally roll my eyes and think, “Lady, I don’t even know you, but if this was your sister you ought to have known you were trying to teach a pig to sing.”

The OP should not be baited into a guilt trip, however. She needs to defend the boundary that gives her the authority as a host to invite whomever she wants to her home without getting “permission” from other guests. She did the right thing by giving them the heads-up so they could decline if they wanted to. She would be gracious if she did not let on she knew with near certainty that they had declined because they had a dim view of her choice of guests. Unless her later guests had information that her stay-on guest posed a threat to other guests in their age group in the context of an overnight stay, they had no room to weigh in on whether they like her guests or not.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I don’t agree that the two cousins should buck up and pretend to enjoy a two day, overnight stay with a cousin that for some reason they do not look forward to spending a weekend with.

It is always a good idea when you invite guests for a long intimate social get-together, to let the guests know who will be included ,other than the assumed hosts. This should be done at the time of the invitation and * before *they accept your invitation.

Assuming that the 3rd cousin was intimate with his other cousins was a mistake.

That being said, there was a more gracious way for the two cousins to decline. They simply could have said something came up and that they can not attend. You, in turn should not ask for further explanation and should graciously accept their decline. *Had they only handled it this way. *This would avoid gossip and hard feeling in the family.

I agree with this. Especially with children, when it includes staying overnight, I can’t imagine visiting someone and not knowing who else would be sleeping in the house. Depending on parental levels of caution and family dynamics, some parents wouldn’t let their children stay overnight with opposite sex kids - even if they are cousins. Even if I am having guests over for a short time, I always include who else I might be inviting, as the dynamics can be wildly different with multiple guests as opposed to one guest or one family.

That said, obviously, you were surprised by your first nephew’s request, and it is understandable that when plans change, and you think everyone will be ok with the new plan, you might forget to go through that process that you originally went through with the initial invitation.

So on the one hand, it would be understandable for the kids to bow out gracefully, or for the parent to say “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with a sleepover if there are other kids there too” or something like that, they certainly don’t have to be rude about it.

And on the other hand, while I understand that they might be frustrated that the terms were changed from something they were excited about to something they don’t think they can do, they should also be understanding that you didn’t plan it this way, and that you made a simple mistake of thinking they’d be happy with this arrangement, and that you are stuck in the middle of a problem that isn’t really yours.

If I were you, I might apologize for not thinking to check with them before you okayed the extra night. But I would also expect them to be gracious and apologize or express regrets to you since they know you were trying to do something nice for them.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I want to add, I don’t think it would inappropriate to talk to the first nephew or his parents and say that you’re sorry, but you didn’t realize that your other niece and nephew were really excited about some alone time with you, and that on second thought it would be better if they arranged a get together between themselves a different day. Or that you didn’t think through the sleeping situation and that first nephew should leave before bedtime - so they will get some visiting during the day, but the second set of kids will be the only ones sleeping over (if that’s ok with the second set’s parents). I wouldn’t go through contortions over this, but I would look at the situation as my mistake, and offer to do that if the second set’s parents would like. And then I’d try to not dwell too much after that except to remember the two takeaways:
1-the kids love you so much they want you all to themselves
2-trying to “make everyone happy” almost never ends in success!