Is this what it's supposed to be?

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Hiroyoshi

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I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings, so to speak. It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship, and when I’ve asked, she says that the people in her family “just can’t be alone.”.

Rather odd, that, considering that she lived alone for many years prior to our marriage.

I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem - as she intensifies her contact with her ‘friend’ she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way.

This isn’t a tragedy - Darfur was a tragedy. MH 370 is an ongoing tragedy. It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.
 
I don’t have any answers for you, but wanted to tell you that my prayers are with you. I’m so sorry for what you are going through physically and emotionally. My only advice would be to find some saints you can relate to and pray with them, in addition to the Lord. Peace.
 
Hiroyoshi says** : “I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings … It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship… I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem … she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way… It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.”**

Different people react differently to news of a Loved One dying soon.
Your Wife, for instance, is feeling a HUGE emptiness is coming soon.
She dealt with that by finding her next Husband.

And, if you like her Husband-to-be, then you can be happy that she will NOT suffer too much after you “Abandon” her.
You see this as you dying … She may view this as you walking out on her.
Remember, a grieving person does not always think rationally.
This alone, should help you expect to get less loving attention from your Wife.

Then, each time she looks at you, she is reminded of your upcoming Death.
This may also affect the former Closeness you both felt together.
I imagine that you feel like the Victim in this situation (and you are) … but, it may well be that your Wife ALSO feels like the Victim (and she is one, too).

If the disease you will Die from is going to leave you incapacitated (or leave you with intense pain for months), then NOT just you are going to have to bear it, but also your Wife. She will be helpless to assist you, and (probably) Depressed that you are dying in such a dramatic manner.

There are psychological professionals who are experts in helping Spouses through situations like yours.
This might be a good Option for you to do.
I don’t normally suggest therapy for a person, but this is one of those times.
Death (somehow) is an OBSCENE subject to most people.
And, so, everybody just wants to dance around the issue, and almost nobody wants to directly confront the harsh Reality of the relationship damage.
At least, you will be able to share your Pain with an understanding Therapist.

It appears that you have not discussed this matter with your Wife.
If you haven’t, that is always a good place to start.
Let her know that permanently leaving her is hard for her to take.
Use all of your Compassion and Empathy … and maybe she will say some words that bring you Comfort.
 
Hiroyoshi said:
I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings, so to speak. It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship, and when I’ve asked, she says that the people in her family “just can’t be alone.”.

Rather odd, that, considering that she lived alone for many years prior to our marriage.

I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem - as she intensifies her contact with her ‘friend’ she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way.

This isn’t a tragedy - Darfur was a tragedy. MH 370 is an ongoing tragedy. It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.
Click to expand...
I’m sorry to hear this. Maybe either individual or couples counseling could help. Maybe see a priest or marriage counselor. I’m really not sure.

I’ll pray for you.

JK
 
4love2God said:
Hiroyoshi says** : “I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings … It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship… I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem … she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way… It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.”**

Different people react differently to news of a Loved One dying soon.
Your Wife, for instance, is feeling a HUGE emptiness is coming soon.
She dealt with that by finding her next Husband.

And, if you like her Husband-to-be, then you can be happy that she will NOT suffer too much after you “Abandon” her.
You see this as you dying … She may view this as you walking out on her.
Remember, a grieving person does not always think rationally.
This alone, should help you expect to get less loving attention from your Wife.

Then, each time she looks at you, she is reminded of your upcoming Death.
This may also affect the former Closeness you both felt together.
I imagine that you feel like the Victim in this situation (and you are) … but, it may well be that your Wife ALSO feels like the Victim (and she is one, too).

If the disease you will Die from is going to leave you incapacitated (or leave you with intense pain for months), then NOT just you are going to have to bear it, but also your Wife. She will be helpless to assist you, and (probably) Depressed that you are dying in such a dramatic manner.

There are psychological professionals who are experts in helping Spouses through situations like yours.
This might be a good Option for you to do.
I don’t normally suggest therapy for a person, but this is one of those times.
Death (somehow) is an OBSCENE subject to most people.
And, so, everybody just wants to dance around the issue, and almost nobody wants to directly confront the harsh Reality of the relationship damage.
At least, you will be able to share your Pain with an understanding Therapist.

It appears that you have not discussed this matter with your Wife.
If you haven’t, that is always a good place to start.
Let her know that permanently leaving her is hard for her to take.
Use all of your Compassion and Empathy … and maybe she will say some words that bring you Comfort.
Click to expand...
THIS! ! ! 👍

It is sad that you and your wife are going through this. I simply cannot understand your wife’s attitude in this…so I will not comment. I think the above post says it best.

May God Bless you on your journey home to Him.

James
 
This must be really hard on you. But one thing I thought of when I read your post. This person she is seeing now might not be her next “Husband.” It may look like that now, but it might not work out. This would be a “rebound” relationship, and they don’t usually work out. I’ll be praying for the two of you. May you have peace and may she see what this is doing to her relationship to you and to God.
 
4love2God said:
Hiroyoshi says** : “I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings … It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship… I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem … she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way… It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.”**

Different people react differently to news of a Loved One dying soon.
Your Wife, for instance, is feeling a HUGE emptiness is coming soon.
She dealt with that by finding her next Husband.

And, if you like her Husband-to-be, then you can be happy that she will NOT suffer too much after you “Abandon” her.
You see this as you dying … She may view this as you walking out on her.
Remember, a grieving person does not always think rationally.
This alone, should help you expect to get less loving attention from your Wife.

Then, each time she looks at you, she is reminded of your upcoming Death.
This may also affect the former Closeness you both felt together.
I imagine that you feel like the Victim in this situation (and you are) … but, it may well be that your Wife ALSO feels like the Victim (and she is one, too).

If the disease you will Die from is going to leave you incapacitated (or leave you with intense pain for months), then NOT just you are going to have to bear it, but also your Wife. She will be helpless to assist you, and (probably) Depressed that you are dying in such a dramatic manner.

There are psychological professionals who are experts in helping Spouses through situations like yours.
This might be a good Option for you to do.
I don’t normally suggest therapy for a person, but this is one of those times.
Death (somehow) is an OBSCENE subject to most people.
And, so, everybody just wants to dance around the issue, and almost nobody wants to directly confront the harsh Reality of the relationship damage.
At least, you will be able to share your Pain with an understanding Therapist.

It appears that you have not discussed this matter with your Wife.
If you haven’t, that is always a good place to start.
Let her know that permanently leaving her is hard for her to take.
Use all of your Compassion and Empathy … and maybe she will say some words that bring you Comfort.
Click to expand...
I agree completely with 4love2God. This is a compassionate and sane response.

Hiroyoshi,
I am sorry for your prognosis and for the compounding relationship struggles with your wife. This must be incredibly hard for you both. I said a prayer for your intentions. God bless you both.

Our Father…

Hail Mary…

Glory be…

Amen +
 
I would have a deep recourse within myself. dying, or moving on, and meeting my God would dominate my thoughts. At the same time I would do all in my power to assist my wife in facing my death. I know my wife would never entertain another man while I was still alive. Our love is solid because it is centered on Jesus Christ and each other. We always have each other and our children in mind. I would ask God in prayer if I were you to give me a compassionate understanding, and even acceptance of my wifes apparent lack of understandiing.,and sensitivity. She should know how hard this is on you, but may be over-whelmed, and insecure. (thinking only of herself) a human weakness.
 
I have no advice, but I wanted to say God Bless You and your Family. I will be praying for you all.
 
Thank you all, for your kind and thoughtful responses.

Above all, I want my wife to continue life in happiness, and to face death with courage. My own feelings must eventually be subsumed into compassion, and love - no matter what.

You guys are the best. You’ve made a difference.
 
4love2God said:
Different people react differently to news of a Loved One dying soon.
Your Wife, for instance, is feeling a HUGE emptiness is coming soon.
She dealt with that by finding her next Husband.

And, if you like her Husband-to-be, then you can be happy that she will NOT suffer too much after you “Abandon” her.
You see this as you dying … She may view this as you walking out on her.
Remember, a grieving person does not always think rationally.
This alone, should help you expect to get less loving attention from your Wife.

Then, each time she looks at you, she is reminded of your upcoming Death.
This may also affect the former Closeness you both felt together.
I imagine that you feel like the Victim in this situation (and you are) … but, it may well be that your Wife ALSO feels like the Victim (and she is one, too).

If the disease you will Die from is going to leave you incapacitated (or leave you with intense pain for months), then NOT just you are going to have to bear it, but also your Wife. She will be helpless to assist you, and (probably) Depressed that you are dying in such a dramatic manner.

There are psychological professionals who are experts in helping Spouses through situations like yours.
This might be a good Option for you to do.
I don’t normally suggest therapy for a person, but this is one of those times.
Death (somehow) is an OBSCENE subject to most people.
And, so, everybody just wants to dance around the issue, and almost nobody wants to directly confront the harsh Reality of the relationship damage.
At least, you will be able to share your Pain with an understanding Therapist.

It appears that you have not discussed this matter with your Wife.
If you haven’t, that is always a good place to start.
Let her know that permanently leaving her is hard for her to take.
Use all of your Compassion and Empathy … and maybe she will say some words that bring you Comfort.
Click to expand...
With all due respect, I could not disagree more. What you described here is what modern day Hollywood chick flicks are made of to make money. But it is NOT a way to really live.

Sure the wife in this situation is probably hurting very badly but… she is not a child who can not comprehend. She married for better or for worse and she is not keeping her vow. This might give insight into why she is already lining up her next man, but it does not excuse her poor behaviour. This man is dying, it is not his place to be the bigger person and see his wife’s point of view. Unfortunately, he not only has to deal with his upcoming death but also has to accept the betrayal of his wife

OP, my heart bleeds for you. You deserve the best and I admire that you are not bitter.
 
While I am single,
I would like to think that if I ever did marry,
it would be for good times and bad,
in sickness and in health,
until death do us part
and to actually show some love
and appreciation for my husband,
especially in his hour of need,
and be there for him
and make the most of our time together.

I would pray with him and for him.

I think it would be quite rude
to trot out prospective husband number two
while the first one was still alive.
 
the_phoenix said:
While I am single,
I would like to think that if I ever did marry,
it would be for good times and bad,
in sickness and in health,
until death do us part
and to actually show some love
and appreciation for my husband,
especially in his hour of need,
and be there for him
and make the most of our time together.

I would pray with him and for him.

I think it would be quite rude
to trot out prospective husband number two
while the first one was still alive.
Click to expand...
Excellent post.

OP, you will be in my prayers as well.
 
anglewannabe replied to my Post : "What you described here is what modern day Hollywood chick flicks are made of to make money. But it is NOT a way to really live."

yeah, I stole my idea from Sleepless in Seattle.

And,** “Sure the wife in this situation is probably hurting very badly but … She married for better or for worse and she is not keeping her vow”
**
HUH? … Hold on, there.
What has the Wife done to BREAK her Wedding Vow?
The only way that Hiroyoshi’s Wife is different recently is ** : “there is a problem - as she intensifies her contact with her ‘friend’ she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way.”**

This statement does NOT say any more than
  1. She is spending some more time with one of her Friends;
  2. She is giving her Husband less Kindness than she did a few months ago (or so); and
  3. She is also less Patient than she used to be.
This, at best, is a person who is more Moody than she used to be, and spending some less time at home, to visit her long-time friend.
This behavior does not rise to the level of breaking her Vow. No, not at all.

My Heart aches for Hiroyoshi.
A person receives a Death Sentence.
He hopes that everything else will go PERFECTLY in the other parts of his Life, to help compensate for it.
But, the stress has caused things to go Less Perfectly than before (making the Problem seem LARGER).
This is Un-Fair . . . some parts of everyone’s Life is not fair, but Timing is Everything.
It didn’t happen 5 years ago … it has plopped into Today.
So, Today is the ONLY Time that a solution (or betterment) of the Issue can Occur.
Time is of the essence.

Then angle said** : “This man is dying, it is not his place to be the bigger person and see his wife’s point of view.”**

Hiroyoshi asked for an answer with Compassion.
I suggested that he might pursue this issue with Thoughtfulness and Compassion.
And, the way I offered was to learn Compassion for his Wife’s mood-change, which if properly understood, can open his Heart to soothing waves of Compassion. This feeling alone can have the Power to change the dynamics of their relationship (and, probably for the better).
At this point, Hiroyoshi can then direct his now-more-Compassionate Heart to himself.
Relief at Last.
If he would have asked us to GANG-up on his Wife, and blame her for all of his misfortune, then I would have responded differently.
 
Praying for you OP. You sound like a brave and generous man. God bless.
 
Hiroyoshi said:
I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings, so to speak. It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship, and when I’ve asked, she says that the people in her family “just can’t be alone.”.

Rather odd, that, considering that she lived alone for many years prior to our marriage.

I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem - as she intensifies her contact with her ‘friend’ she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way.

This isn’t a tragedy - Darfur was a tragedy. MH 370 is an ongoing tragedy. It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.
Click to expand...
My advice ditch the Buddhism and spend your remaining time becoming a holy, saintly Catholic. Catholic/Buddhist is possibly the very definition of cognitive dissonance and I’m thinking will not turn out well for you as you meet our Lord in particular judgment.
 
4love2God said:
Hiroyoshi says** : “I’m dying relatively young, and my wife has my replacement waiting in the wings … It’s someone with whom she had a previous relationship… I want her to be happy when I’m dead, but there is a problem … she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home. Feels a bit like I’m now in the way… It is unpleasant, and any advice on how to handle this with kindness and compassion would be appreciated.”**

Different people react differently to news of a Loved One dying soon.
Your Wife, for instance, is feeling a HUGE emptiness is coming soon.
She dealt with that by finding her next Husband.

And, if you like her Husband-to-be, then you can be happy that she will NOT suffer too much after you “Abandon” her.
You see this as you dying … She may view this as you walking out on her.
Remember, a grieving person does not always think rationally.
This alone, should help you expect to get less loving attention from your Wife.

Then, each time she looks at you, she is reminded of your upcoming Death.
This may also affect the former Closeness you both felt together.
I imagine that you feel like the Victim in this situation (and you are) … but, it may well be that your Wife ALSO feels like the Victim (and she is one, too).

If the disease you will Die from is going to leave you incapacitated (or leave you with intense pain for months), then NOT just you are going to have to bear it, but also your Wife. She will be helpless to assist you, and (probably) Depressed that you are dying in such a dramatic manner.

There are psychological professionals who are experts in helping Spouses through situations like yours.
This might be a good Option for you to do.
I don’t normally suggest therapy for a person, but this is one of those times.
Death (somehow) is an OBSCENE subject to most people.
And, so, everybody just wants to dance around the issue, and almost nobody wants to directly confront the harsh Reality of the relationship damage.
At least, you will be able to share your Pain with an understanding Therapist.

It appears that you have not discussed this matter with your Wife.
If you haven’t, that is always a good place to start.
Let her know that permanently leaving her is hard for her to take.
Use all of your Compassion and Empathy … and maybe she will say some words that bring you Comfort.
Click to expand...
The rationalizations on this board are unbelievable. No, this is not how it is supposed to be.

Last I checked, marriage was through sickness and health.

I would suggest telling your wife that her behavior is unacceptable. Remind her of her marriage vows. Of course she will get angry, but then offer up your sufferings for your sins. Jesus was betrayed too.
 
Groo said:
The rationalizations on this board are unbelievable. No, this is not how it is supposed to be.

Last I checked, marriage was through sickness and health.

I would suggest telling your wife that her behavior is unacceptable. Remind her of her marriage vows. Of course she will get angry, but then offer up your sufferings for your sins. Jesus was betrayed too.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Anglewannabe and Groo claim that the OP’s Wife has broken her Wedding Vow.

They each make this determination based on the following statement from the OP** : “there is a problem - as she intensifies her contact with her ‘friend’ she’s less inclined to patience and kindness at home.”**

Which Wedding Vow does a person break, if (for a couple of months) she is LESS Patient, and gives less Kindness, and who spends a couple hours a week with a Friend?

I mean, this is something that happens (at least once in while) in everyone’s Marriage.
So, come on Post-ers, upon what Evidence do you guys POUND on the OP about this?

I think you guys are Lying to the OP.
So, is it a LIE?
 
In the Gospels, Jesus raises the standard of adultery beyond the physical to the emotional (e.g. looking with lust; adultery of the heart). The wife is becoming emotionally attached to another man. So there is a kind of adultery on the emotional level already. And when women get attached on an emotional level, the physical often follows.

At best, this is a near occasion of sin. At worse, there is a physical relationship already. We don’t know what she is doing when she visits this guy, but I would bet they are not playing scrabble.

That is why I suggested the OP remind his wife of her wedding vows. This is to warn her against falling further into sin; and to set reasonable boundaries.
 
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