Is this wrong of me to do?

[whatevergirl]

This is a strange question, perhaps. I have been praying that my sister finds happiness with a good Catholic man for some time–since she got out of that terrible relationship last year (as many of you know) with a man who left his wife for her. She did leave him–thank goodness–and is getting back into her faith very strongly. She prays, reads religious books, and attends mass every week, she tells me. She is grateful for this ‘second chance’ from God. (me too!!) I am not sure if she has been to confession since her divorce, but I have planted seeds suggesting she goes. (it’s been a while since we discussed it) So, now she is on a dating website…and is dating (not seriously–just dinners, golf, lunches, etc–light get togethers) two very nice men–both, from what it sounds like, are into the faith–and divorced. I started thinking the other day–is it right for me to ask God to bring her to another man? She did not get an annulment-nor is she seeking one. She has thought about it, but told me not too long ago, that she doesn’t think the RCC would grant her one.

So–I’m assuming this means that if she remarries…she is in the state of adultery–right? So…it is wrong then for me to pray that she finds a good man to share her life with? I think it might be.

Please let me know your thoughts. What would you pray in this circumstance, for a sibling/family member going through the same thing?

 

[nobeerinheaven]

Why are you praying for any man at all? It seems to me entirely likely that right now she needs silence and stillness with God. She needs to be filled with love for him and not with love for another man (especially considering the fact that she may indeed have abandoned an entirely valid marriage).

 

[whatevergirl]

Why are you praying for any man at all? It seems to me entirely likely that right now she needs silence and stillness with God. She needs to be filled with love for him and not with love for another man (especially considering the fact that she may indeed have abandoned an entirely valid marriage).

It isn’t something I pray for her solely about. I pray mainly for her to be fully engaged with the Church again–following Christ. I think I asked this because she will sometimes say to me…please pray that I don’t remain single forever. I don’t really know what to say when she says that…which is why I asked. It is not the same as praying that a good person comes into the life of someone who has never been married, or who has had an annulment…do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? I feel in some way, it is not my place (or hers) to pray for her to find a loving husband, when she is still considered married in the eyes of the Church?

 

[yessisan]

I’m glad your sister’s not with that man any more and that she’s getting back to the CC. What’s sad is that she doesn’t know if the Church will say her marriage is null. The marriage tribunal might see something she didn’t.

If I were in your place (which in a way I am since I’ve been trying to convince my mom to seek an annullment of her marriage w/my bio dad), I’d pray: 1) that she takes her faith seriously, 2) that she tries to see if there is anything that would declare her marriage null, and 3)for the man that she does meet, that he loves her, respects her and most important of all, that he is a firm believer and follower of the CC’s laws.

Even if the men were divorced, maybe they can seek annulment, maybe they’re good men, maybe one of these will be the one who will help her follow the law correctly. It is sad that she could fall into “adultery” since that’s what it’d be if she doesn’t seek annulment and her marriage is not declared null.

My mom’s remarried but hasn’t annulled her 1st marriage, I pray often that she’ll see the light and go ahead with the process. I saw on another thread, that 1ke recommended a book (which I bought for my mom last night), it’s called “Annulment: The Marriage that Was”. Maybe you can mention the book to her and it might help her see if she has grounds for annulment, you never know.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m glad your sister’s not with that man any more and that she’s getting back to the CC. What’s sad is that she doesn’t know if the Church will say her marriage is null. The marriage tribunal might see something she didn’t.

If I were in your place (which in a way I am since I’ve been trying to convince my mom to seek an annullment of her marriage w/my bio dad), I’d pray: 1) that she takes her faith seriously, 2) that she tries to see if there is anything that would declare her marriage null, and 3)for the man that she does meet, that he loves her, respects her and most important of all, that he is a firm believer and follower of the CC’s laws.

Even if the men were divorced, maybe they can seek annulment, maybe they’re good men, maybe one of these will be the one who will help her follow the law correctly. It is sad that she could fall into “adultery” since that’s what it’d be if she doesn’t seek annulment and her marriage is not declared null.

My mom’s remarried but hasn’t annulled her 1st marriage, I pray often that she’ll see the light and go ahead with the process. I saw on another thread, that 1ke recommended a book (which I bought for my mom last night), it’s called “Annulment: The Marriage that Was”. Maybe you can mention the book to her and it might help her see if she has grounds for annulment, you never know.

hey thank you for that recommedation, yessisan. she loves to read…so that might be a good start.

 

[yessisan]

hey thank you for that recommedation, yessisan. she loves to read…so that might be a good start.

Oops, the book is Annulment: The Wedding that Was. Sorry, my bad.

The link above is to amazon and you can see inside the book and the sorts of questions it contains. I bought it for $2 last night.

 

[chevalier]

If the marriage isn’t null, one isn’t free to date because one is married. Before there’s a verdict (and from the second instance as well because nullity verdicts with little exception are automatically appealed) from the tribunal, one doesn’t know the status of the marriage and in that case, “Marriage possesses the favor of law; therefore, in a case of doubt, the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.” (Canon 1060)

Besides, a nullity verdict is not automatic, nor a consequence of divorce. It’s not a right. This means that we won’t get a nullity verdict just because we had a bad marriage and bad divorce.

 

[kristacecilia]

If the marriage isn’t null, one isn’t free to date because one is married. Before there’s a verdict (and from the second instance as well because nullity verdicts with little exception are automatically appealed) from the tribunal, one doesn’t know the status of the marriage and in that case, “Marriage possesses the favor of law; therefore, in a case of doubt, the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.” (Canon 1060)

Besides, a nullity verdict is not automatic, nor a consequence of divorce. It’s not a right. This means that we won’t get a nullity verdict just because we had a bad marriage and bad divorce.

Not that I think anyone here really needed to hear it, but I think so many people completely misunderstand what a declaration of nullity is. Heck, I had to explain it to my grandmother- and she was raised in the Church, attended Catholic school all through, and is much more holy than I am.

 

[kristacecilia]

This is a strange question, perhaps. I have been praying that my sister finds happiness with a good Catholic man for some time–since she got out of that terrible relationship last year (as many of you know) with a man who left his wife for her. She did leave him–thank goodness–and is getting back into her faith very strongly. She prays, reads religious books, and attends mass every week, she tells me. She is grateful for this ‘second chance’ from God. (me too!!) I am not sure if she has been to confession since her divorce, but I have planted seeds suggesting she goes. (it’s been a while since we discussed it) So, now she is on a dating website…and is dating (not seriously–just dinners, golf, lunches, etc–light get togethers) two very nice men–both, from what it sounds like, are into the faith–and divorced. I started thinking the other day–is it right for me to ask God to bring her to another man? She did not get an annulment-nor is she seeking one. She has thought about it, but told me not too long ago, that she doesn’t think the RCC would grant her one.

So–I’m assuming this means that if she remarries…she is in the state of adultery–right? So…it is wrong then for me to pray that she finds a good man to share her life with? I think it might be.

Please let me know your thoughts. What would you pray in this circumstance, for a sibling/family member going through the same thing?

Am I missing something? A married man left his wife for her… was this her exhusband? If he was previously married I don’t think she has to worry much about having her so-called marriage to him declared null. He was probably not free to marry in the first place.

Or am I misunderstanding?

 

[yessisan]

Am I missing something? A married man left his wife for her… was this her exhusband? If he was previously married I don’t think she has to worry much about having her so-called marriage to him declared null. He was probably not free to marry in the first place.

Or am I misunderstanding?

From what I remember (when WG first posted about her sis), I think she divorced her husband and then started dating the married man.

 

[TIME]

WG, This does seem a little tricky. I would agree with what yessisan, has said and hopefully you can explain things to your sister. You have a great talent for articulating the Church’s teachings in a kind manner.

I would also get that book, on Annulment. The Anulment process takes some patience and work but if she started now she could spend time in desernment & praying. Also not dating while the annualment process is being conducted. doesn’t mean not having any friends of the opposite sex.

I’ll be praying for her.

 

[jmcrae]

Just ask God to bless her with whatever she needs right now.

I’ve been doing that for someone who is very close to me, and the results are actually rather astounding. Never underestimate the power of prayer.

 

[whatevergirl]

From what I remember (when WG first posted about her sis), I think she divorced her husband and then started dating the married man.

Yes, that is what happened–good memory! Thing is–that relationship is now over, and she has begun dating new people. We talked last night, and she has thought about the annulment process, but she said something interesting last night. She said she doesn’t want to open a healed wound with her ex husband–like …sending an annulment process in motion will involve him–and he may feel that the marriage was always a marriage. Remember, he fought to keep it together–he did not want the divorce. So, she feels that he might be gravely insulted that she would consider seeking an annulment. I guess it’s a bit complicated, to say the least. I think the new man she has been having dinners with seems to be very nice–he is devout Catholic–and had an annulment. He must know that she would need to have an annulment if they were to marry–I wonder if God placed this new person in her path for a reason. My sister likes the fact that he ‘does the right thing,’ so maybe this will be good for her.

 

[yessisan]

Yes, that is what happened–good memory! Thing is–that relationship is now over, and she has begun dating new people. We talked last night, and she has thought about the annulment process, but she said something interesting last night. She said she doesn’t want to open a healed wound with her ex husband–like …sending an annulment process in motion will involve him–and he may feel that the marriage was always a marriage. Remember, he fought to keep it together–he did not want the divorce. So, she feels that he might be gravely insulted that she would consider seeking an annulment. I guess it’s a bit complicated, to say the least. I think the new man she has been having dinners with seems to be very nice–he is devout Catholic–and had an annulment. He must know that she would need to have an annulment if they were to marry–I wonder if God placed this new person in her path for a reason. My sister likes the fact that he ‘does the right thing,’ so maybe this will be good for her.

Well, things are looking good! If the man she is sort of seeing now has had an annulment, maybe it’s for the best of your sister. I have heard that the annulment process is very emotional, especially when writing out all the things about how they met, etc. That’s why my mom doesn’t want to do it. She did it once in Mexico but the priest who she spoke to didn’t want to help her (he blamed my mom for all the things that happened to her and for the divorce ). Anywho… Back to your sister… I think, that regardless of who began the divorce motion, both your sister and her ex need to know if there is any way they could remarry. What if their marriage wasn’t valid in the first place? I kind of know where your sister is coming from (not wanting to hurt her ex), but if she is dating again or thinks of dating, it’s not good for her soul since she still is married to her ex.

I feel so bad for her. I will pray for her so she may be able to decide whether or not to seek an annulment. I hope all turns out for the best for all parties involved.

 

[kristacecilia]

Yes, that is what happened–good memory! Thing is–that relationship is now over, and she has begun dating new people. We talked last night, and she has thought about the annulment process, but she said something interesting last night. She said she doesn’t want to open a healed wound with her ex husband–like …sending an annulment process in motion will involve him–and he may feel that the marriage was always a marriage. Remember, he fought to keep it together–he did not want the divorce. So, she feels that he might be gravely insulted that she would consider seeking an annulment. I guess it’s a bit complicated, to say the least. I think the new man she has been having dinners with seems to be very nice–he is devout Catholic–and had an annulment. He must know that she would need to have an annulment if they were to marry–I wonder if God placed this new person in her path for a reason. My sister likes the fact that he ‘does the right thing,’ so maybe this will be good for her.

Ohh… okay. I knew I must be missing something because otherwise it was way too obvious…

I would definitely say to pray that, instead of praying for a specific thing for your sister to do/not do, pray that she follows the will of the Lord no matter where that might take her.

 

[Gertabelle]

Along with praying for your sister’s soul, and whatever God’s will is for her, you could also have heart to heart conversations about what God has planned for her. So when she says, “Please pray that I don’t remain single for the rest of my life,” you might use that as a starting point to ask her what she thinks God has planned for her, or how He is using this single time in her life for her good, or what she thinks it would be like to be in a sacramental marriage as a solid Catholic… or pick your own response that could lead into a thoughtful conversation about her faith and God’s plan, rather than just the hope of another wedding.

God bless you in your love for your sister! You all are in our prayers.

Gertie