Is this wrong?

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Aaron1988

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I have found out that living with a woman before I’m married is wrong (a sin?) but the problem is I still live with my ex (we broke up a few weeks ago) for two reasons the first being, neither of us can afford for the other to move out, or to move out. The second being she has a young son from a previous relationship (4 years old) and I can’t even think about moving out until I know that he (and my ex) will be ok and they won’t struggle finacally, because I know I’m not his biological father but I have been a parent figure to him for 3 1/2 years now (since I was 19) and I have always loved him as if he were my own son, so I don’t think he should have to suffer for/because of my sins (or his mothers) he is an innocent child and I think it is right to stay and make sure he will be ok before I move out. What do you think? -Aaron
 
By “ex” do you mean ex-wife or ex-girlfriend?

Living with someone you are not married to and acting like you are a family is wrong. But it isn’t any more wrong now than it was before you “broke up”. If you are concerned with the sinfulness of your current living situation, discuss it with your priest when you confess the living together before you broke up with your girlfriend.

If this is an ex-wife, then a civil separation does not affect the marriage.
 
First of all let me say you are a wonderful man. Not many love the idea of taking on another man’s child but to stick around to make sure he is okay says the world about you. Your post was not very clear as to why you two are spliting up? Is it because you just found out it is a sin? That part needs a little clarification. There are probably going to be 100 post saying you need to leave now…but I guess I have a different opinion. Whatever the reason is for you two not wanting to be together is your decision. But personally I do not think God will punish you for sticking around a little longer to make sure they are okay. That in itself shows you are a good and loving man. It will be a big change for the 3 of you to go through and it is not going to be easy. My suggesetion is to start this process slow with her son. Don’t be at the house all the time. Start spending more time away so it is a gradual split and not so noticable for him. Whatever decision you come to God will understand. I do not believe things are always so black and white when children are involved. It makes situations have alot of grey area. We do not always know if that grey area is sin or not, but pray on it and when you make your decison I encourage you to speak with a priest or deacon about it and maybe before you even make your decision. They may shed some light on the situation from their side. I am a single mother of a 4 y/o girl and I spoke with them regarding situations I was in and situations I am in today. What I thought was wrong, they made me see in a different way. All I can say in pray on it and the answers will come to you. Best of luck and God bless…
 
She is my ex girlfriend (I was aetheist until very recently).

We are breaking up due to her constantly cheating on me (for our entire 3 1/2 year realtionship) and I kept forgiving her but she didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, the last time she cheated (as far as I know) was with a married man (who acording to their messages his wife thought they he was faithful and that they (man and wife) were trying to start a family. He told my ex this and she didn’t even care!) and because I really had trouble getting past this (I have always been anti-cheating, anti-divorce and strongly pro marraige to the point that not getting married has never and will never be an option for me, and to me a relationship should end in marriage, that will last “until death do us part”). Then after they broke up, she broke up with me for ruining their relationship and is now (to the best of my knowledge) dating someone else.

I think it won’t be too hard on him as he does get to spend regular time with his dad, and is now spending alot more time with his dad. (I think he may of/be moving in with him, his fiancé and his fiancée daughter but not sure and ex refuses to talk about it with me).
 
Aaron1988 said:
I have found out that living with a woman before I’m married is wrong (a sin?) but the problem is I still live with my ex (we broke up a few weeks ago) for two reasons the first being, neither of us can afford for the other to move out, or to move out. The second being she has a young son from a previous relationship (4 years old) and I can’t even think about moving out until I know that he (and my ex) will be ok and they won’t struggle finacally, because I know I’m not his biological father but I have been a parent figure to him for 3 1/2 years now (since I was 19) and I have always loved him as if he were my own son, so I don’t think he should have to suffer for/because of my sins (or his mothers) he is an innocent child and I think it is right to stay and make sure he will be ok before I move out. What do you think? -Aaron
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You are living in a sinful situation. It is a sin to live with someone as husband and wife and not be married to them. You or your ex-girlfriend need to move out as soon as possible. You are not responsible for supporting her or her child. It is wonderful that you have taken an interest in her child, but, he is not YOUR child, and needs to bond with his biological father. It is time for you to end this relationship for good and move on.
 
You are an awesome guy and you need to leave this girl behind and find someone that DESERVES you.
 
Yes I understand that I need to leave ASAP.

It will be me leaving as I feel it would be too unsettling for my exs son to have too move house and I could never make a child leave his home.

No disrespect but surely an innocent childs welbeing is more important and why should an innocent child have to suffer for MY sins? MY sins are MY fault and the only person to suffer because of them should be me and I take FULL resposibility for my sins so why should an innocent child suffer?

Yes he is not my child but he is still a child and should an adult not be morally responsibility and put a childs welbeing before their own?

But I will be leaving ASAP.
 
Aaron1988 said:
…she has a young son from a previous relationship (4 years old) and I can’t even think about moving out until I know that he (and my ex) will be ok and they won’t struggle finacally, because I know I’m not his biological father but I have been a parent figure to him for 3 1/2 years now (since I was 19) and I have always loved him as if he were my own son, so I don’t think he should have to suffer for/because of my sins (or his mothers) he is an innocent child and I think it is right to stay and make sure he will be ok before I move out. What do you think? -Aaron
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Oh, man, I have been here, and in spades. I feel for you, brother, because I know what’s it’s like to love a child and to have to let him go.

Pray for strength, be firm with your ex, and come up with a definite and specific plan for ending this living situation. It’s good that her son is spending time with his biological father. It may make things easier.

I’ll pray for you.
Then after they broke up, she broke up with me for ruining their relationship…,
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Ummm…
 
I realise that to most of you this seems obvious that I should leave and I realise I probably seem really naive (I’m 22 so you’re right in thinking this) I’m new to not just catholic beliefs but to Christianity as a whole as I was previously aetheist, but I just wanted to thankyou all for the guideance you have given me and I realise now that the best thing would be (not to get into this situation in the first place) to leave, but also to sort things out with my ex and make a plan for leaving so as to make sure they will be ok but be able to leave as soon as it is (morally) possible.

Which brings me to a second question with whom is it ok to live with (obviously I won’t be able to afford a place by myself just yet). Is it ok to flat share? Obviously not with women but what if it was mixed?
what about renting a room in a family home as this seems to be fairly cheap in my area? Would the parents have to be married? (I’m thinking yes they would have to be married and no single parents of the opposite sex). Thankyou all once again for all
of your advice. -Aaron
 
Aaron1988 said:
I realise that to most of you this seems obvious that I should leave and I realise I probably seem really naive (I’m 22 so you’re right in thinking this) I’m new to not just catholic beliefs but to Christianity as a whole as I was previously aetheist, but I just wanted to thankyou all for the guideance you have given me and I realise now that the best thing would be (not to get into this situation in the first place) to leave, but also to sort things out with my ex and make a plan for leaving so as to make sure they will be ok but be able to leave as soon as it is (morally) possible.
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I salute you. Well done, young man.
Which brings me to a second question with whom is it ok to live with (obviously I won’t be able to afford a place by myself just yet). Is it ok to flat share? Obviously not with women but what if it was mixed?
what about renting a room in a family home as this seems to be fairly cheap in my area?
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Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with sharing a flat with other men. Rooming with a single woman could be scandalous and present an occasion of sin. There’s nothing wrong with renting a room from a family.
Would the parents have to be married?
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I’ll defer to the more knowledgeable posters.
 
Aaron1988 said:
Which brings me to a second question with whom is it ok to live with (obviously I won’t be able to afford a place by myself just yet). Is it ok to flat share? Obviously not with women but what if it was mixed?
what about renting a room in a family home as this seems to be fairly cheap in my area? Would the parents have to be married? (I’m thinking yes they would have to be married and no single parents of the opposite sex). Thankyou all once again for all
of your advice. -Aaron
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Ideally, you should room with single Christians of the same gender as you or if a family, then a Christian family. In this way you will have a support system and less occasion to sin. It is very hard to live with people who have drastically different values than your own, especially if you are new to Christianity.

I’m not saying all other options are all sin, just that it’s important to remember that the people you are close to (live with, hang out with) will influence your daily decisions to some extent. Better to have a strong support system.

I will second the advice to not room with any single women.
 
Yes ideally it would be with Christians but in England, where I live, Christianity is not very popular with my generation (nor is any religion really) so I would probably struggle to find Christian living arrangements, and even if I did in my very limited experience Christians, my age, here seem to a. Not be catholic (“too strict”) b. Live life the way they want (the very few Christians I knew (only a few my age) had sex years before me) c. Don’t seem to be very moral (get drunk, sleep around, cheat etc) and this sounds really bad but they were prettymuch just like everyone else except they belive in god and are a bit more friendly and charitable than most people; but I want to follow the catholic faith as it is intended to be followed.

So I think it will probably be having to live with non-Christians (unless I can find some) and just having to make sure I keep a close eye on what I am doing, thinking and saying and pray for guidance and help to resist all temptations.

N.B. Not all Christians my age are this way (I hope) just the ones I have met.
 
May God bless you, Aaron. You are a generous man, but please remember that no amount of good can justify something that is inherently evil.

Unmarried couples living together is sinful as it represents an acceptance of unmarried partners living as married even if they don’t have relations with one another. No one knows what is going on behind closed doors so it gives the appearance that the couple is fornicating. The amount of temptation between a man and a woman is too much to bear during cohabitation. It is a fertile ground for sin.

You are right that the child is innocent. He doesn’t deserve to suffer for his parents’ sins, but you cannot take responsibility for him without legally adopting him which you may not be ready to do. We all suffer for the sins of our fathers and mothers, spouses, and other relatives and friends. To bear this suffering is an invitation to suffer with Christ towards our own sanctification.

I’d suggest that after you move out that you take an interest in this child’s moral upbringing. Perhaps be a sponsor for the child in receiving Communion or Confirmation if the child is already baptized as a Catholic. You could act as a mentor and help to counter the negative influences from his parents. Being his only positive role model may very well save his soul!

As mentioned, you do deserve much better than this woman. An unfaithful person almost always remains so as it is a serious character defect. Pray for her, but do not put yourself in a position to sin with her or to suffer from her betrayal.

Good luck and God bless!
 
Aaron1988 said:
Yes I understand that I need to leave ASAP.

It will be me leaving as I feel it would be too unsettling for my exs son to have too move house and I could never make a child leave his home.

No disrespect but surely an innocent childs welbeing is more important and why should an innocent child have to suffer for MY sins? MY sins are MY fault and the only person to suffer because of them should be me and I take FULL resposibility for my sins so why should an innocent child suffer?

Yes he is not my child but he is still a child and should an adult not be morally responsibility and put a childs welbeing before their own?

But I will be leaving ASAP.
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I agree that you should secure the safety and wellbeing of the child. I mean, of course you should! Responsibility for the welfare of a child doesn’t end when a child is born, after all. You can still stay there as long as you don’t have a sinful relationship with his mother: in other words, stop sharing a bed with her and stop sinning with her. Taking responsibility by making sure all your ducks are in a row before bailing is not wrong – it’s call maturity. There is nothing noble about up and quitting on a responsibity. If in doubt, talk to your priest.
 
Thankyou for your advice; just to clear things up a bit I don’t share a bed with her I sleep downstairs; a fact that all her family are well aware of.

In regards to having the possibility of sinning with her; even though I was aetheist my whole life, I have always found that to me even the thought kissing outside of a relationship makes me feel physically sick and is therfore something I have never done. Also to me marriage is extreamly important, to the point that not getting married has never been an option for me (and getting a divorce has and will never be an option for me either, even when I was aetheist) I now know how important it is to be chaste until I say “I do” and I have been chaste since i found god about a week ago, so I am not going to sleep with her (or anyone else until I’m married) as I will not cheat on my wife because she deserves better than that; and I hope she will be able to forgive me for the (2) women I slept with before finding god.

N.B. I haven’t slept with her for approx. A year, but have done other sexual things until about a few months ago. We also haven’t slept in the same bed for about a year due to her sons puppy having a operation and me sleeping downstairs to keep a eye on it for a couple of months, then I was ill, followed by her being ill both for about a week each, then various other reasons and I just never bothered sharering a bed with her again if that makes sense.
 
Aaron1988 said:
Thankyou for your advice; just to clear things up a bit I don’t share a bed with her I sleep downstairs; a fact that all her family are well aware of.

In regards to having the possibility of sinning with her; even though I was aetheist my whole life, I have always found that to me even the thought kissing outside of a relationship makes me feel physically sick and is therfore something I have never done. Also to me marriage is extreamly important, to the point that not getting married has never been an option for me (and getting a divorce has and will never be an option for me either, even when I was aetheist) I now know how important it is to be chaste until I say “I do” and I have been chaste since i found god about a week ago, so I am not going to sleep with her (or anyone else until I’m married) as I will not cheat on my wife because she deserves better than that; and I hope she will be able to forgive me for the (2) women I slept with before finding god.

N.B. I haven’t slept with her for approx. A year, but have done other sexual things until about a few months ago. We also haven’t slept in the same bed for about a year due to her sons puppy having a operation and me sleeping downstairs to keep a eye on it for a couple of months, then I was ill, followed by her being ill both for about a week each, then various other reasons and I just never bothered sharering a bed with her again if that makes sense.
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Just for the record “living” with someone of the opposite sex is not the sin. It’s true that it can tempt one to sin, but it is not a “sin” to live with your boyfriend/girlfriend. The sin is immoral and indecent behavior when one gives into temptation by living in close proximity and alone with that boyfriend or girlfriend. Any sexual activity that belongs only in the marriage bed is not to be done between unmarried couples according to the Church, and as long as that rule is being followed, you’re not sinning in the eyes of the Church by living with her.

I would not worry about “scandal” because people need to not jump to conclusions about what everyone besides themselves are or aren’t doing. YOU have to answer to God for your actions. And if someone questions you about it and you are inclined to answer them, they will know you are not living in sin.

But from what you write about your situation, if you continue to keep yourself separate from the mother of this child, and continue to not break the rules of the Church by not engaging in sexual behavior outside of marriage, you are not sinning by continuing to live there. You certainly have an ideal living arrangement suitable for not tempting you. Besides, it sounds like you don’t even like her, which hardly makes the fact that she is upstairs a temptation.

My OHO is that you are right to secure the child’s welfare and security before leaving. And I wouldn’t worry about what others think because you are the one to answer to God. If you’re still in doubt, talk to your pastor.
 
I don’t dislike her as such, as everyone makes mistakes, and I forgive her (and I have told her that I forgive her) for what she did as there is no reason to not forgive someone for a mistake they made.

At the same time, however, there is no temptation at all, to sleep with her, as although I still care about her as a human being I KNOW that sex before marriage is NOT love as love comes before sex as does life long commitment (marriage) so I do not feel any temptation for premarital sex because I now know it is the same as cheating on my (future) wife, and my future wife deserves more than a guy who does that, so I will ensure I don’t. Also I think she may have a boyfriend (but I’m not sure it could just be a friends with benefits thing - which I’m also against - but god gave us free will so I have no right to tell her I think its wrong) I just want what is best for her son then I am definately going to leave and work on my relationship with god before (hopefully) finding someone with the same beliefs as me and starting a family as god would wish us to.
 
Aaron1988 said:
since i found god about a week ago.
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Dear One,

May the Lord Bless and keep you. May His face shine above you. May His graciousness be like an endless stream. May the Lord show His favour, on your house and your neighbor, till the last remaining strife on earth has ceased. May He grant you peace.

Blessings - Chochy
 
Rence said:
Just for the record “living” with someone of the opposite sex is not the sin. It’s true that it can tempt one to sin, but it is not a “sin” to live with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
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Please reconsider this statement. As you mentioned later on, the temptation to sin is there. The appearance of sin given by two unmarried people living together is also a scandal. Nobody is supposed to be peeking into the bedroom, but what are people to assume when the unmarried are living as man and wife? It promotes a permissiveness of immorality which is in itself inherently evil. Cohabitation is the exclusive privilege of husband and wife.

Check this out. I used to work with an Orthodox girl who gave your same argument. She had a bishop from her church come from overseas to stay with her and her boyfriend in their apartment. He accepted, and everybody in their community knew about it! How in the world did that happen with a clergyman??? I couldn’t believe it!
 
OP, just wanted to say you’re awesome. God bless you. Many guys your age don’t even care about their own child’s well being, let alone someone elses. Start looking for somewhere else to live, and in the meantime you can make sure everything is ok with your ex and her son. Just sleep downstairs as you have been doing. Then when you find somewhere else to live you can leave.
Seriously, God bless you for caring so much about this child and his mother, even though she doesn’t deserve your kindness. That is the epitome of Christian love for neighbor.
 
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