Is this wrong?

[anytimequilter]

Clearly, he knows you are “there” for him, yet he hasn’t expressed a need to confide in him. If you really do care about him, leave him alone and move on.

This also something I have told myself many times; not a new thought for me. I have even told myself its in God’s hands. He is at the chapel praying and I am praying that is all that I can do.

Perhaps he doesn’t feel friendships with the opposite sex are appropriate. For me – as well as for many of the Saints – friendships with the opposite sex are not spiritually prudent and should be avoided.

very depressing thought

but are trying to rationalize it anyway

I have as much in myself pulling me not to go to the chapel as I do pulling me to go to the chapel. I am completely divided…I would accept either way if one way would just shut up

This is a prime example of I wish I knew what God wanted me to do. Its not a sin to go to the adoration chapel at any time, but what it good, what is better and what is best?

If I pray to God for an answer how will I know what the answer is? Here on the discussion board there a many different opinions, so I don’t honestly know which direction is best.

Is there a passage in the Bible for something like this?

 

[St_Francis]

This also something I have told myself many times; not a new thought for me. I have even told myself its in God’s hands. He is at the chapel praying and I am praying that is all that I can do.

very depressing thought

I have as much in myself pulling me not to go to the chapel as I do pulling me to go to the chapel. I am completely divided…I would accept either way if one way would just shut up

This is a prime example of I wish I knew what God wanted me to do. Its not a sin to go to the adoration chapel at any time, but what it good, what is better and what is best?

If I pray to God for an answer how will I know what the answer is? Here on the discussion board there a many different opinions, so I don’t honestly know which direction is best.

Is there a passage in the Bible for something like this?

In your shoes, I would tell myself no way, no how am I ever going to the chapel at the time he is scheduled to be there. I have also learned the importance of making a definite plan and sticking to it rather than only doing something “when I feel like it.”

I sometimes even tell God this: I am going to do this very badly because I am new at it, or I need Your help to do this half-way decently because I am only doing it to fill my plan and don’t at all feel like doing it. I now also treat the opposing feelings like temptations, praying for help with them. I am trying to develop my will and get my feelings under control.

Anyway, if God wants you and this man to be friends or anything else, He will make sure to get you two together. But for you to visit God hoping to find this man… maybe not such a good thing spiritually.

 

[anytimequilter]

I would tell myself no way, no how am I ever going to the chapel at the time he is scheduled to be there

This is the advice I would expect to receive if I was considering going to meet my ex-husband. Believe me there would be no way no how that I would go somewhere he would be.

That is a situation where this type of advice would make sense to me - I don’t understand it in the context of going to adoration when a good person would be there. It makes sense to avoid my ex, he’s a messed up alcoholic who does nothing but poison everything that comes into his life. He wouldn’t go to the adoration chapel to save his life - - he only goes to mass on Christmas because its a “family thing”. He has no idea of who God is or any desire to try.

Anyway, if God wants you and this man to be friends or anything else, He will make sure to get you two together.

I used to honestly believe these comments when I heard them. Now I realize that our human free will can really reek havoc on our lives no matter what God had in mind. There are examples of this all over. You don’t have to look very far. My marriage - God didn’t stop my husband from drinking and leaving bruises on my kids. My nephew - God didn’t stop the accident that took his life. My nephew wasn’t driving he was just a passenger that fell victim to someone else’s horrible human free will.

What is funny about this post is there were so many opinions on what I should or shouldn’t do - but when I ask how I can know what God wants me to do and where in the Bible I should read for guidance… no one even tried to answer those questions. And those are the real questions after all. Maybe no one has the answers that I need

 

[underacloud]

Here on the discussion board there a many different opinions, so I don’t honestly know which direction is best.

Really? It seems to me the responses have been overwhelmingly of one type.

Let’s try to make this a bit more simple. You have a crush on a married man. That being the case, it is imprudent of you to even seek friendship with him, since it could become an occasion for sin for one or both of you.

If his circumstances change - ie he gets an annulment - you could reconsider your options. But for now, it is in both of your best interests to hold each other as little more than casual aquaintances. Be polite, be kind, but remain aloof, and certainly don’t go out of your way to bump in to him.

 

[anytimequilter]

Really? It seems to me the responses have been overwhelmingly of one type.

Really? So what the most people say must be the right answer???

I see nothing creepy about what you want to do. You are using the modified schedule as a way of discernment.

Invite him out for a cup of tea or a cup of coffee.

Agreed. Don’t beat yourself up wondering and worrying, grab a cup of coffee with him.

You have a crush on a married man

Are you trying to make be feel bad about myself? He is legally divorced and neither you or I know what his status is in the eyes of God. You can’t look annulments on the internet

You have a crush on a married man. That being the case, it is imprudent of you to even seek friendship with him, since it could become an occasion for sin for one or both of you.

I hope that you realize there are all types of people you can be friends with. People are not dogs, we are able to control ourselves and we do know right from wrong. We are not all preoccupied with sex.

FYI… I had a very good friend who is a man and yes he is married. We talked a lot - more than I have ever talked to anyone. No we did not do anything immoral at all - - he is actually the reason that I started going to the adoration chapel. I feel he brought God to me in many ways. Some of us know that life isn’t in any way the way its shown to be on Cinemax.

I think I will just eat some ice cream and drink some booze - - but I guess I will stay away from the adoration chapel I mean there could possibly be a man praying there

 

[underacloud]

Really? did read them?

I said overwhelmingly. You picked out a few that go against the overwhleming majority.

But if you like - go ahead and ask him to have coffee. You can then have a chat, get to know him better, and discover if he has an annulment or is seeking one. If not, then it’s definitely time to let it go.

But, as others have suggested, I think you already have enough to go on to determine that it’s not a good idea.

FYI… I had a very good friend who is a man and yes he is married.

But I presume you don’t have a crush on him.

but I guess I will stay away from the adoration chapel when there could possibly be a man praying there

No one has suggested this. The only suggestion is that you don’t actively pursue a relationship (friendship or otherwise) with a married man whom you have a crush on.

 

[EasterJoy]

Really? So what the most people say must be the right answer???

Are you trying to make be feel bad about myself? He is legally divorced and neither you or I know what his status is in the eyes of God. You can’t look annulments on the internet

I hope that you realize there are all types of people you can be friends with. People are not dogs, we are able to control ourselves and we do know right from wrong. We are not all preoccupied with sex.

FYI… I had a very good friend who is a man and yes he is married. We talked a lot - more than I have ever talked to anyone. No we did not do anything immoral at all - - he is actually the reason that I started going to the adoration chapel. I feel he brought God to me in many ways. Some of us know that life isn’t in any way the way its shown to be on Cinemax.

I think I will just eat some ice cream and drink some booze - - but I guess I will stay away from the adoration chapel I mean there could possibly be a man praying there

Ahem. You know what you’re doing, and it is not “accidentally” crossing paths with someone. You are trying to run into someone you have tried to contact directly, but who has not responded. This is also a person you know very well could have legitimate reasons for not responding, both personal and moral.

What if he does not want to become better acquainted and does not want to say why? What would you advise him to do that he has not already done? If Providence means to bring you together, Providence can do it without you doing anything that most people would consider has a high likelihood of being annoying.

He knows where to find you. Give him some time. After two or three months, fine–try another direct overture, like asking him out for coffee. Until then, let him run into you or send a message to you, if he wants to do that. He knows where to find you, and he’s in a situation where many of us are more inclined to want to be just left alone. Let him have that for a while.

 

[anytimequilter]

You picked out a few that go against the overwhleming majority.

I don’t think just because the majority feels a certain way that is automatically the right thing to do. You don’t have to look very far to see examples in the world of when the majority was wrong

The only suggestion is that you don’t actively pursue a relationship (friendship or otherwise) with a married man whom you have a crush on.

My question on the original post was merely about going to the chapel - not starting a relationship. Somehow that started in the replies. In fact one of my posts even said

I don’t expect a “response”, just a reminder that I am not the only one in that situation. Good people do find themselves in bad situations. To your point, I would also like to be sure that he remembers that I am alive should he ever get to the point that he would like a friend.

But I presume you don’t have a crush on him.

When God is working in your life - well the devil really kicks into overdrive to try to prevent the good from happening. I am sure we all have experienced this in some way.

 

[anytimequilter]

After two or three months, fine… He knows where to find you, and he’s in a situation where many of us are more inclined to want to be just left alone. Let him have that for a while.

I understand this completely. And I have been doing exactly that.

FYI … it has been over a year since I found out that he goes to the chapel. It was Lent 2014 so its not like I am going all hyper because I just found out last week. I have known for some time, I can’t forget things I learned.

I suppose no one will ever understand. Its a waste of time and energy

Thanks to everyone though I needed to get it off my chest

 

[Gertabelle]

Wow, quilter, you seem to already have made up your mind before you ever asked your question here. So why did you even ask? No matter what anyone here says about just being direct (ask him out for coffee) or leaving him alone, you dissect every post and tell us all why our advice is incorrect.

So since you know the only thing you want to hear is that your plan to change your schedule to match his is awesome, I’m checking out of this thread.

God bless you. I pray your guardian angels lead you in God’s way.

Gertie

 

[EasterJoy]

I understand this completely. And I have been doing exactly that.

FYI … it has been over a year since I found out that he goes to the chapel. It was Lent 2014 so its not like I am going all hyper because I just found out last week. I have known for some time, I can’t forget things I learned.

I suppose no one will ever understand. Its a waste of time and energy

Thanks to everyone though I needed to get it off my chest

Ah, so you have been giving him quite a bit of space, then. Then if you were my friend, I’d say don’t insult his intelligence by “accidentally” running into him at the adoration chapel. You are grown-ups and you have his contact information. So contact him, and contact him directly. Give him a call, tell him you’d like to have coffee next week, if he can fit it into his schedule. If he says he is too busy, as if it would be OK if you tried again next month. If he hmms and hahs, then just say, “ah, well, you’re busy, don’t worry about it” and let it go. If he says, yes, sure, then call next month. He’s a grown up, so if he says, “yes, sure,” then take him at his word. Make it easy for him to slip away without hurting your feelings, but also make it easy for him to find time for you in his busy schedule if that is honestly what he’d like to do.

Then when you have coffee, ask how he’s been, just be friends. Take it slowly, and see what happens. Oh, and pray and include the listening part. Very important.

If he essentially asks, “why with me?” then give the very good reasons you have for wanting him as a friend: You know he’s a nice guy, you know he’s a serious Catholic, you know he’ll understand how hard it is to be a divorced Catholic, he seems like a good person to cultivate a friendship with. You can say, “My marriage has been annulled; I don’t know if yours has, but honestly I’m just looking for a Catholic friend to have coffee with who understands my situation.” (Which he kind of does, although some people only see going through divorce from “the man’s” or “the woman’s” point of view. Oh, well. Take that chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.)

 

[anytimequilter]

Wow, quilter, you seem to already have made up your mind before you ever asked your question here. So why did you even ask? No matter what anyone here says about just being direct (ask him out for coffee) or leaving him alone, you dissect every post and tell us all why our advice is incorrect.

So since you know the only thing you want to hear is that your plan to change your schedule to match his is awesome, I’m checking out of this thread.

Sorry if I offended you… but if I thought I had the answer I wouldn’t have asked. I was looking for (name removed by moderator)ut - I even thanked everyone a couple of times for their (name removed by moderator)ut.

What you are calling “dissecting every post” is part of processing. Have you never had to talk through something? I tend to talk through issues a lot. I like (name removed by moderator)ut from others, but that doesn’t mean that I will always agree.

 

[anytimequilter]

Oh, and pray and include the listening part. Very important.

I have prayed and continue to pray. I have often wondered if I am praying “wrong” because I have been stuck in this same place for soooo long … its the listening part that I have the problem with. I mean listening to/for God - not sure if that’s what you meant. What am I listening for? What would it be? I don’t doubt God I doubt my own ability to understand what He would tell me

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

I know on one hand this is very silly, but this is where I am. I guess its a good sign that I don’t have any bigger problems

For the past 9 years or so I have been going to the adoration chapel at the church near my work. Its not my parish, but it is perfect to stop in during my lunch or after work. I really do believe it does me good to go. I had a boss who suggested that I go and it has become a habit that I am glad I started.

Now with my issue, I have been divorced for some time and I do have a church annulment. It is very hard being single trying to find someone to bring into your life - dating or just as a friend. As I am sure many of you have experienced, the dating world is a cesspool. I don’t fit into that world and that is a good thing in my opinion

I did meet this really nice guy at work. I don’t know much about him and he keeps to himself. I heard he had a really bad divorce. We did talk some, but he really kept focused on work. One lady did tell me that I shouldn’t take it personal because he’s Catholic and wouldn’t go down that road without an annulment. She had no idea if he had even thought about starting his or not.

Anyway his job changed, while he is with the same company he moved to another building. So virtually never see him any more. I have reached out and sent instant messages, which is ok. Just not the same as seeing him around.

One day I sent him an instant message and he didn’t respond. I know, I know we are at work he was probably busy, in a meeting… whatever. I still felt bad, as silly as that sounds. So after work I stopped at the chapel… and in my prayers I am sure that I was whining to God about being alone.

As I was leaving the chapel that day for some reason I pulled the schedule of the people who had signed up for their time slots. Low and behold he was on the list. It was very reassuring that at least I was attracted to someone who was trying to do some good things.

So I thought to myself “what do I do with this information?”. There was no way that I could forget that I saw it.

Since he was signed up with someone else I thought maybe he was just the back up person. So I went to check the situation out. There he came in…

So now I want to go back again… just before his time. Just so our paths cross.

My sister tells me that’s I am going to the chapel for the wrong reason. What do you guys think? I have been going for 9 years or more, I would just be changing the time of visits.

I would appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut

Wow that go long didn’t it

  Sorry but I hadn't read any responses,,if it's not to late to throw my 20. Cents worth in,,

I would move mountains to cross paths, nothing wrong with it,go for it,you only live once,
You know the old saying,better to have lost at Love than never to have Loved at all,

 

[underacloud]

My question on the original post was merely about going to the chapel - not starting a relationship. Somehow that started in the replies. In fact one of my posts even said

In the first post you described yourself as attracted to him. And asked about going out of your way to bump into him. The conclusions people drew flowed quite naturally.

You don’t seem to like the responses you are now receiving. My next suggestion is that you discuss this issue with a trusted priest, sharing with him the same details you have shared here. But perhaps you already know what the likely advice would be.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have prayed and continue to pray. I have often wondered if I am praying “wrong” because I have been stuck in this same place for soooo long … its the listening part that I have the problem with. I mean listening to/for God - not sure if that’s what you meant. What am I listening for? What would it be? I don’t doubt God I doubt my own ability to understand what He would tell me

In practical terms, I just mean to stop talking long enough to examine your conscience and look a gift horses you want to give yourself in the mouth–I mean that as general advice, and not referring to your mouth being different than mine. I think we’ve all had friends that listen to us go on and on and they give us a look that says, “OK, now try again, and be honest.” How often do we look up and look for that look? If we don’t, we’re wasting a good listener, right? A couple of cycles of that, and we get the picture. When God wants to break in and say something, God can do that, but a lot of times the message is, “Do you ever even listen to yourself? This is not that hard.” At least, that is what I find…that is, that I get both kinds of answers.

 

[EasterJoy]

In the first post you described yourself as attracted to him. And asked about going out of your way to bump into him. The conclusions people drew flowed quite naturally.

You don’t seem to like the responses you are now receiving. My next suggestion is that you discuss this issue with a trusted priest, sharing with him the same details you have shared here. But perhaps you already know what the likely advice would be.

She hasn’t suggested doing anything immoral. Men can have women as friends, even if they are married or not free to marry for some reason. That is true if they are priests, that is true if they are religious brothers or consecrated to the single life, that is true if they are married, that is true if they are separated with the bond remaining, and that is true if they have filed for a decree of nullity. She has not suggested doing anything with this fellow that is not appropriate for someone whose marriage must be presumed valid.

On that account, I don’t know what a priest is likely to tell her, except “if you’re interested in something moral, talk to him directly, and if you’re interested in something immoral, treat him as a near occasion of sin and steer clear.” After that, it is advice for the lovelorn, not moral advice.

 

[St_Francis]

This is the advice I would expect to receive if I was considering going to meet my ex-husband. Believe me there would be no way no how that I would go somewhere he would be.

That is a situation where this type of advice would make sense to me - I don’t understand it in the context of going to adoration when a good person would be there. It makes sense to avoid my ex, he’s a messed up alcoholic who does nothing but poison everything that comes into his life. He wouldn’t go to the adoration chapel to save his life - - he only goes to mass on Christmas because its a “family thing”. He has no idea of who God is or any desire to try.

If you said the man went to a coffee shop on Wednesdays at 5:30, I’d say fine, go for it. The reason I suggested that “happening to run into him” at Adoration would be a bad idea is that it is distracting you from what you are supposed to be there for, which is to send time with God. It is exchanging a lesser good for the greatest good.

I used to honestly believe these comments when I heard them. Now I realize that our human free will can really reek havoc on our lives no matter what God had in mind. There are examples of this all over. You don’t have to look very far. My marriage - God didn’t stop my husband from drinking and leaving bruises on my kids. My nephew - God didn’t stop the accident that took his life. My nephew wasn’t driving he was just a passenger that fell victim to someone else’s horrible human free will.

In the situation which you are talking about, it seems like two people trying to do God’s will, which is a totally dofferent thing from when one or more participants are *not *doing God’s will.

What is funny about this post is there were so many opinions on what I should or shouldn’t do - but when I ask how I can know what God wants me to do and where in the Bible I should read for guidance… no one even tried to answer those questions. And those are the real questions after all. Maybe no one has the answers that I need

God does allow us to make our own decisions, but we do have guidelines: does the proposed act involve mortal sin? Venial sin? and does it lead towards God or away from Him? And that last is why, in your shoes, given what you have expressed here, I would not go to the Adoration Chapel while the man is there.

 

[underacloud]

She hasn’t suggested doing anything immoral. Men can have women as friends, even if they are married or not free to marry for some reason. That is true if they are priests, that is true if they are religious brothers or consecrated to the single life, that is true if they are married, that is true if they are separated with the bond remaining, and that is true if they have filed for a decree of nullity. She has not suggested doing anything with this fellow that is not appropriate for someone whose marriage must be presumed valid.

On that account, I don’t know what a priest is likely to tell her, except “if you’re interested in something moral, talk to him directly, and if you’re interested in something immoral, treat him as a near occasion of sin and steer clear.” After that, it is advice for the lovelorn, not moral advice.

I understand what you are saying (except for below), but I reiterate my advice that pursuing friendship with a married man on whom you have a crush is a bad idea. And I do believe it is morally bad, not just a matter of prudence. It is a near occasion of sin regardless of specific intents.

Married people can of course be friends with the opposite sex, but with caution and limitations. And when there is attraction, in either or both directions, they need to step back.

She has not suggested doing anything with this fellow that is not appropriate for someone whose marriage must be presumed valid.

Really? I disagree. To me, this all depends precisely on whether this man is free to marry.

If he is not, then the OP has a crush on a married man. In which case, she should remain aloof.

If he is - if he has received an annulment - then by all means pursue him.

Since she doesn’t know, why not have coffee with him and try to find out.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is the advice I would expect to receive if I was considering going to meet my ex-husband. Believe me there would be no way no how that I would go somewhere he would be.

That is a situation where this type of advice would make sense to me - I don’t understand it in the context of going to adoration when a good person would be there. It makes sense to avoid my ex, he’s a messed up alcoholic who does nothing but poison everything that comes into his life. He wouldn’t go to the adoration chapel to save his life - - he only goes to mass on Christmas because its a “family thing”. He has no idea of who God is or any desire to try.

I used to honestly believe these comments when I heard them. Now I realize that our human free will can really reek havoc on our lives no matter what God had in mind. There are examples of this all over. You don’t have to look very far. My marriage - God didn’t stop my husband from drinking and leaving bruises on my kids. My nephew - God didn’t stop the accident that took his life. My nephew wasn’t driving he was just a passenger that fell victim to someone else’s horrible human free will.

What is funny about this post is there were so many opinions on what I should or shouldn’t do - but when I ask how I can know what God wants me to do and where in the Bible I should read for guidance… no one even tried to answer those questions. And those are the real questions after all. Maybe no one has the answers that I need

But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil. Matt. 6:33-34

Better to take refuge in the LORD
than to put one’s trust in mortals. Ps. 118:8

Indeed, I wish everyone to be as I am, but each has a particular gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire. 1 Cor. 7:7-9

As for adoration of the Most Blessed Sacrament:
*I adore You, Lord and Creator, hidden in the Most Blessed Sacrament. I adore You for all the works of Your hands, that reveal to me so much wisdom, goodness and mercy, O Lord. You have spread so much beauty over the earth and it tells me about Your beauty, even though these beautiful things are but a faint reflection of You, incomprehensible Beauty. And although You have hidden Yourself and concealed your beauty, my eye, enlightened by faith, reaches You and my souls recognizes its Creator, its Highest Good, and my heart is completely immersed in prayer of adoration. * --St. Faustina

“*Holiness is a disposition of the heart that makes us humble and little in the arms of God, aware of our weakness, and confident – in the most audacious way – in His Fatherly goodness.” *- St. Therese of the Child Jesus

“When the Sisters are exhausted, up to their eyes in work; when all seems to go awry, they spend an hour in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. This practice has never failed to bear fruit: they experience peace and strength.” --Blessed Mother Teresa

Let nothing and let no one be a distraction to you when your destination is that precious hour you have with Our Lord. If you happen to see this man at the adoration chapel, ignore him as much as possible without being uncharitable. If you are going to seek out his company, do it somewhere else. If he values his time in the chapel as he ought to do, he will see the wisdom of this. He may easily see anything else as folly.