Is unrequited love always disordered?

[DL82]

As some of you may know from previous posts, I broke up with my fiancee 18 months ago, I have had no success in trying to contact her again, though am trying again this Valentine’s day. I’ve told myself over and over that I should move on, many others have told me the same.

The truth is, I know some women through Church who have similar interests and would be good spouses, and some women through work who I am attracted to. There’s nobody I feel attracted to AND who shares my goals in the spiritual life. I’m not just interested in my ex because she’s attractive, nor just because she’s a committed and loving Catholic. I suppose on some level I feel like I deserve a second chance, though I know I don’t.

Anyway, the point is, I can’t get her out of my head. Can’t. Don’t even want to. I don’t fantasise about her, at least not sexually, I am reconciled to the reality that we’re not together right now, but can’t cope with the thought that we’d never see eachother again, that I’d ever forget her or think someone else was better, even though I know there probably is someone out there I’m better suited to.

My question is, is unrequited love ALWAYS disordered in some way, is it always a sin or imperfection?

Divorced people are counselled that they are still married in the eyes of God.
The sacrament of confession makes certain our forgiveness, which God may already grant to us in advance when we make an act of perfect contrition. Likewise the sacrament of baptism bestows the guarantee of the Holy Spirit, but some, such as the household of Cornelius in Acts 7, receive the Spirit ahead of the sacrament.
Is it possible, if I’ve really decided that this is the girl I want to love until the end of my days, that the grace of marriage, the grace of always loving her, is already present, even if the sacrament never took place?
If so, would it not be a good and holy thing to accept that, unless she changes her mind, I’ll be single all my days? I know that sounds desperately sad, but I love the sadness it entails, it’s a sadness that speaks a warning to others, but also speaks of the depth of love. I love this sadness. I would feel a fraud to abandon it, even if I could make someone else happy, even if my ex found someone else to make her happy.

There are people in the world who just never move on from an event like this. Is it wrong to want to be one of those people?

 

[Island_Oak]

As some of you may know from previous posts, I broke up with my fiancee 18 months ago, I have had no success in trying to contact her again, though am trying again this Valentine’s day…

Resist the urge. Are you imagining she would be happy to hear from you? I’m sure she’s well aware that you would accept her call. The fact is she has made no effort to contact you or rekindle the relationship in the last 18 months.

I’ve told myself over and over that I should move on, many others have told me the same…

It’s WELL past time to move on. Aren’t YOU getting tired of being stuck? NO woman finds it attractive to have a man pathetically fawning over her. Women appreciate being pursued, but once they’ve made it clear they are not or no longer interested, your continued attention goes from annoying to creepy to downright scary. HINT: she has moved on, why would you allow yourself to get stuck on this detour and waste time, opportunities to meet others and squander this wonderful time of your youth?

My question is…Is it possible, if I’ve really decided that this is the girl I want to love until the end of my days, that the grace of marriage, the grace of always loving her, is already present, even if the sacrament never took place?
If so, would it not be a good and holy thing to accept that, unless she changes her mind, I’ll be single all my days?

I’m quite sure if you polled 100 people you wouldn’t get a one who believed you were anywhere close to “married” to this girl. The “grace” you speak of is a one-sided fantasy that your girlfriend clearly never bought into or shared. Quite the opposite, in fact, it sounds like as you became more serious about the relationship, she pulled away. She never felt for you what you imagine you feel for her. For you to take your obsession and weave it into a rationale for not dating or ever marrying is an utterly ridiculous waste of energy and emotion.

**

…I know that sounds desperately sad

, but I love the sadness it entails, it’s a sadness that speaks a warning to others, but also speaks of the depth of love. I love this sadness. I would feel a fraud to abandon it, even if I could make someone else happy, even if my ex found someone else to make her happy.**

Sorry…but this reads like the script of a pathetic afternoon soap opera where lovers are separated, die and magically come back to life for a second chance. In other words~it has no place in the real world. It’s clear you need to pursue some individual counseling/therapy. With such guidance you might discover why you you are more comfortable with your fantasies than moving on to meaningful, balanced relationships with real people who are actually interested in being in a relationship with you, not acting as if you no longer exist.

There are people in the world who just never move on from an event like this. Is it wrong to want to be one of those people?

YES…they are known as lonely and delusional and I can’t imagine why you’d want to join their ranks.

 

[ack]

Divorced people are counselled that they are still married in the eyes of God.
The sacrament of confession makes certain our forgiveness, which God may already grant to us in advance when we make an act of perfect contrition. Likewise the sacrament of baptism bestows the guarantee of the Holy Spirit, but some, such as the household of Cornelius in Acts 7, receive the Spirit ahead of the sacrament.
Is it possible, if I’ve really decided that this is the girl I want to love until the end of my days, that the grace of marriage, the grace of always loving her, is already present, even if the sacrament never took place?

No. This is not part of the church teaching regarding love and marriage.

 

[chevalier]

You’re asking if it’s wrong to reject joy, give up believing God has not forgotten you, keep wallowing in misery - all this by choice? You know the answer can’t be negative. You need to find peace, not embrace the desolation that is holding you down. Go talk to a priest. And no, you are not in any way married to that girl.

 

[whatevergirl]

Pining over someone is not ‘disordered,’ rather I see it more that you are channeling energy and time that could be used for more positive purposes, on someone who has moved on. If you really are struggling to get over this relationship, you might need to see a counselor…have you tried that? It’s not unhealthy to remain single forever if you are called to do so, but it is unhealthy, if you are only doing so because you wish for something in the past that will never be again.

 

[SMHW]

Pining over someone is not ‘disordered,’ rather I see it more that you are channeling energy and time that could be used for more positive purposes…

I tend to agree with this.

I would further say that you may have been (and still are) more in love with the rush that comes from being in a state of infatuation than you ever were with the person with whom you were infatuated. If that is you then I’m going to suggest something a bit radical. GIVE UP ALL PURSUIT OF ROMANCE FOR A YEAR. That means your lost love and all others.

Some people do take a much longer time than is typical to get over an infatuation. But the important thing is NOT to stop living while waiting for what will come next. Go out and meet other people, both men and women. Try to meet people who come from various walks of life and are of various age groups. Become friends with teachers and employer/mentors. Spend some time figuring out who YOU are. It’s been my experience that you can probably learn more about yourself from older people who you respect than you can from friends your own age.

I know that probably sounds like so much psycho-babble. But God created you differently from anyone else in order to have a relationship with Himself. If you eventually get married some day remember you owe it to your future spouse to be the person God created, not some other person who you think you’d rather be.

 

[Trishie]

To be obsessed with someone from one’s past is a good indication that a person needs to grow and mature in accepting reality and in creating a realistic and healthy present and future. Loss is heartbreaking, and healing is a process from which a person must grow into a more complete human person, thus, not remaining frozen and wasting the gift of their life.

 

[chevalier]

Yes, just got to move on. Feelings stay behind, but they are a part of our human experience. A different part is carrying on when it’s not being nice. One day I saw IIRC five of my could-have-beens, in a place where I met another “important person”, I phoned my friend and he was with yet another (his cousin), I then passed a park where I went with yet another… I probably reached 7-8 within 2-3 hours. One of them was a girl who wasn’t a fiancee but was very close to it. See, I’m not dead yet. Stuff’s bad, but the show must go on. You definitely need a hobby or an occupation that will prevent you from thinking for hours when you are alone.

 

[DL82]

Stuff’s bad, but the show must go on. You definitely need a hobby or an occupation that will prevent you from thinking for hours when you are alone.

Thanks to all. Have offered it up to Our Lady, am hoping she will give an answer by the end of today as to whether I should contact her one last time, or wait until next year and then contact her one last time, or just move on. No suffering offered up in pursuit of a vocation is ever wasted. I know plenty of people who have waited years to get an invitation to a monastery they want to discern with, why should this be any different.

Problem with the hobby/occupation thing is I am a researcher, lots of time alone reading, and can’t imagine leaving my PhD half way through. I also live alone, and if this doesn’t work out am going to discern for the life of a lay brother with a contemplative order. Thinking about things alone is more or less what I do - that and serve food to homeless people and serve coffee after mass, I try to spend as much time and energy on those at the moment, am also fasting and exercising as much as I can to try to wear myself out and stop thinking about all this (and maybe get back in shape too).

 

[LilyM]

As far as the question goes, it may or may not be disordered, but it certainly aint helping no-one nohow to dwell on it. Quite the contrary.

 

[puzzleannie]

My question is, is unrequited love ALWAYS disordered in some way, is it always a sin or imperfection?

I missed the memo, I did not know it was ever disordered or a sin or an imperfection. but maybe I don’t know your definition of any of these terms. God loves people all the time who do not return his love. Is he disordered? I think not

 

[chevalier]

Problem with the hobby/occupation thing is I am a researcher, lots of time alone reading, and can’t imagine leaving my PhD half way through.

I’m in a similar situation, actually. Also working on a Ph.D., although not a hired researcher (I just do my own research for myself and that’s it). It can already be time-consuming on its own. Maybe put your time and effort there? I’m trying to do that with mine - concentrated effort should mean finishing early and having a Ph.D. a year earlier doesn’t hurt.

 

[whatevergirl]

I would also add DL…that it’s important to be careful not to ‘idolize’ someone…you’re not idol worshipping…but when we place someone on a pedestal, and idolize them…we allow that to get in the way of our relationship with God. Try to just move your gaze from her, to God…a little more each day…asking God for help to stay focused on Christ and not on the ‘waves’ that are around you. (think of Peter walking on water out to Christ)

I hope things get better…good luck to you!

 

[kage_ar]

If she wanted to contact you, she would have.

Move on.

 

[Feanor]

I think there is something special about the first girl you fall in love with or at least believed at the time you were in love with. I know there is for me.

Mine occurred during a summer thing about 15 years ago (I was 17), and ended to due her moving back to her familial home far away. I tried to keep it going but it never did. I still think of her about once every two months and I am primarily attracted to women who share her general features (I am married now- have been for 8 years). Sometimes I even look up her blog and artwork on the net. She is a very cool girl- I don’t tell my wife this though!! That being said I haven’t spoken or emailed her in 11 years and I am not infatuated with her at all at this point. I love my wife unilaterally- even moreso as we are expecting our first child in June!

When I started to pursue girls again, and received, some attention I felt much, much better. I believe that men tend to actually get over the emotional side of a relationship better than women due to our psychological make-up.

Truth is that men are very vulnerable and in need of having our ego’s stroked. We are sometimes afraid of losing women as we feel like it is a reflection of our intrinsic worth as men. This is what leads some- especially the young in years and in maturity at ALL ages- to controlling activities.

We generally can get much relief from another relationship- or a calling to the priesthood- which is true and complete love of God- and the stroking of the ego that comes with the role of a priest.

I think women tend to be more attached to the ACTUAL COMPLETENESS of a man thus making it sometimes harder for them.

I am not saying women are more evolved or anything we are just different. I am a therapist so I may have a nominal insight into this type of thing (there I go looking to have my ego stroked!!!)

I hope this is helpful as I put a bit of thought into writting this man-to-man.

God Bless- you WILL feel better- I can almost PROMISE you!!

 

[LSK]

I know this may be a painful question, but the relationship ended because…?

 

[DL82]

I know this may be a painful question, but the relationship ended because…?

Because she wasn’t ready to get married (and neither was I, but I didn’t see it, she did) and I wasn’t prepared to wait. I tried to pressure her into getting married anyway, so she ended it.

Now, on the other hand, I can say in all honesty that I also know I’m not ready to get married, and I guess she’s not either, but I am ready to wait and get to know her slowly, as a friend, on her terms. Better to wait, even if it takes a decade, than to lose her forever. I’ve seen that now.

 

[chevalier]

On *mutual *terms, not hers. It needs to be a mutual decision or a mutual view, not just you capitulating before her because she has the power of ending the relationship. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things on her terms on principle - but you shouldn’t base a relationship on capitulation. You don’t want to be the defeated foe in a relationship.

 

[whatevergirl]

On *mutual *terms, not hers. It needs to be a mutual decision or a mutual view, not just you capitulating before her because she has the power of ending the relationship. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things on her terms on principle - but you shouldn’t base a relationship on capitulation. You don’t want to be the defeated foe in a relationship.

This is good advice, I agree. Plus DL, if you both were not ready to marry and you were pressuring her, it might be that you were worried about losing her, and thought marriage would ‘keep her.’ There’s an old song by .38 special (I’m dating myself here lol) that says…'hold on loosely, but don’t let go…if you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose her…" Wise words. I seriously would move on…keep praying for strength to do just that. Just my two cents.

 

[Feanor]

This is good advice, I agree. Plus DL, if you both were not ready to marry and you were pressuring her, it might be that you were worried about losing her, and thought marriage would ‘keep her.’ There’s an old song by .38 special (I’m dating myself here lol) that says…'hold on loosely, but don’t let go…if you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose her…" Wise words. I seriously would move on…keep praying for strength to do just that. Just my two cents.

Yes these are very wise words- although I don’t know who the heck 38 special is!!