Islamic Divoce Question

[mellowcalico]

I noticed there are a few Muslims who post here, so I thought it might be a good place to ask my question.

I have a Muslim friend who recently went though an Islamic and a Civil divorce. (The Islamic divorce came first). She doesn’t seem to want to talk about it much, but she seems very sad (which is understandable). I do know she wasn’t happy in her marriage.

I want to cheer her up and console her as best I can, but I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing (hey, I once walked into the men’s side of a Mosque when I was there to pick up a friend. Luckily I was politely corrected and forgiven . But I you never know).

Is there anything I should avoid mentioning? Is there a degree of shame associated with the divorce (religiously that is)? Is there some Islamic law that I could remind her of to help her get though this? Her sisters tease me (and her) and tell me not to set her up with any Christian men, but they do that jokingly.

If it helps, she is a Sunni Muslim and an Afghan. I would say she is moderately religious (she is Western in her dress, friendships, etc) but she does observe Muslim traditions and holidays.

Thanks!

 

[Usbek_de_Perse]

I’m not a Muslim, but I majored in Islamic Studies in college. As far as I know, there is no particular shame in divorce for Muslims from a religious point of view. A divorced person is free to remarry, none of the issues that confront Christians are involved. There may be some social stigma, of course, and I would imagine that in traditional Afghanistan, a divorced woman would have difficulties. Given that she is living in Western culture, she is likely much liberated, and that may well have been some of the cause of her divorce (maybe not, though).

 

[mellowcalico]

Thank you!

It must just be the typical stress that people go though with a divorce then. She is very Westernized. I met her when we were kids and she barely spoke a lick of English. Later in high school, she and I worked together studying for her citizenship exam. She still honors and holds true to her roots, but she’s just as American as anyone else.

It’s good to know I can go into cheering up/supportive mode without putting my foot in the wrong door (like I did all those years ago).

 

[Sam_777]

As far as I know, there is no particular shame in divorce for Muslims from a religious point of view. A divorced person is free to remarry, none of the issues that confront Christians are involved. There may be some social stigma, of course, and I would imagine that in traditional Afghanistan, a divorced woman would have difficulties.

 

[planten]

I’m not a Muslim, but I majored in Islamic Studies in college. As far as I know, there is no particular shame in divorce for Muslims from a religious point of view. A divorced person is free to remarry, none of the issues that confront Christians are involved. There may be some social stigma, of course, and I would imagine that in traditional Afghanistan, a divorced woman would have difficulties. Given that she is living in Western culture, she is likely much liberated, and that may well have been some of the cause of her divorce (maybe not, though).

Excellent post, Usbek de Perse. Thanks. Divorce is the most undesired thing in Islam. Of all the things that Allah dislikes, Divorce is the worse of the permitted things. That is Hadith.

But it so happens that some people cannot get along. So instead of they being unfaithful to each other, it is allowed that they separate, by a proper manner. I describe the way the divorce must be pronounced in Islam.

1. Only the husband himself can divorce (dismiss) the wife. The wife cannot divorce the husband.
2. The wife can claim resignation (Khula’a). That she does not want to live with her husband any more. Her greviences will be heard and she will be permitted to leave her husband.
3. After divorce, the lady has to refrain from engaging with another man for four months. She has to live a secluded life for 4 months. That is also a case for every widow too.
4. The divorce should better be announced to the wife during her clean period. Not during her menses.
5. After the first announcement of divorce (There are totally three chances), the wife should not go away from the house of her husband. She should remain in the same house and cook and eat and even serve her husband if he needs anything.
6. If during one month, the husband touches ( Means much) his divorced wife, that pronouncement of divorce is cancelled. That divorce is no more.
7. During the month, the husband is also allowed to remarry the same wife.
8. If there is no reconcilliation within 30 days, the husband can give second notice of divorce to his wife, during her clean period. Then same condition as in No. 6 and 7 above applies.
9. If there is no reconcilliation at all, and during those times, the families and friends of the couple try to help, if all fails and the third notice of divorce is given then that divorce is final and for ever.

There is more. But I leave it here. Please know that most Muslims do not follow the above rules about divorce… They misuse the law of divorce too much.

 

[mellowcalico]

Thanks again for the information.

I don’t think they did the Islamic divorce as you described Planten. Then again, you said not every Muslim follows the process. Pretty much he announced the divorce to her and left the house (moved out and he moved back in with his family). so she didn’t really have the opportunity to do #5. He left her and their child. I remember that clearly. He did come back and visit a few times and she would drop off their son to visit him at his parent’s place.

My understanding was a certain amount of time passed, and then they filed for a civil divorce in the state they live in. The state awarded her custody (which is a good thing IMO because her ex-husband neglected to give the child his medication–the child needs daily insulin shots-- he and would often “forget” to feed the child–which is really bad for a severely diabetic child). It’s all very sad really.

 

[planten]

Thanks again for the information.

I don’t think they did the Islamic divorce as you described Planten. Then again, you said not every Muslim follows the process. Pretty much he announced the divorce to her and left the house (moved out and he moved back in with his family). so she didn’t really have the opportunity to do #5. He left her and their child. I remember that clearly. He did come back and visit a few times and she would drop off their son to visit him at his parent’s place.

My understanding was a certain amount of time passed, and then they filed for a civil divorce in the state they live in. The state awarded her custody (which is a good thing IMO because her ex-husband neglected to give the child his medication–the child needs daily insulin shots-- he and would often “forget” to feed the child–which is really bad for a severely diabetic child). It’s all very sad really.

Mellowcalico, now the moral and spiritual matters are left far behind. We do not know who was at fault. Wife or the husband did not co-operate. There are always reasons behind the break up. There may be a third person involved. There may be economic reasons.

Now that love matters are left far behind, it is better to rely more on the material matters, i.e. money matters. In the Muslim marriage system, there is always an amount of money (gold etc) settled as a gift for the bride. That is called Haqq Mehr (The dowery). That belongs to the bride.
The bride is not required to bring anything for the husband at all. But the husband is to pay her, before marriage,or at the time of marriage, or even some time later, a set amount of money which was agreed at the time of marriage. That could be something like 10,000 Sterling pounds or Dollars.

I hope the wife has received that money (Haqq Mehr) from the husband by now.

Living in the western countries, I felt that it was next to impossible to divorce a wife because the penalty price for the divorce was too much. In UK if any one divorced the wife, he was to pay a lot of money to the wife for the rest of her life, depending on the earning of the husband.

It is good that the court gave custody of the child to the mother because father was showing neglectful attitude. The mother will have to bring up her son. Will she be able to do that? The devil had HIS way into that family .