Issues in having a relationship with a girlfriend

[JABA]

Hey all.

This is my first post, and I dont know if this is the right section to post this question. So please forgive me if I posted in the wrong section ,lol.

I am 25 years old and have never had a girlfriend in my life. I have been on a few dates with different women which would of developed into something special, but I put an end to it from my part before it developed any further. I hurt some people doing this and I hate myself for this. I will explain further why.

A lot of people at work do not understand why I have never had a girlfriend all my life or why I never pursued these relationships any further. They think I am weird that I dont have a girlfriend and am still a virgin at 25 years of age. They have really opened up eyes to take a look at my life. In a way also they also made me feel depressed . Now I think I am strange and weird compared to them, like I am the odd one out. Is this true when you people compare yourself to me regarding relationships? am I strange?

I have now come to a point in my life where I feel very lonely . I sometimes go for lone walks in the park and seeing other guys kissing and holding hands together with their girlfriends makes me feel so depressed and that I am missing out so much in my life.
I am really now, more than ever feel the need to be in a loving relationship and spend my time with that special someone.

My main problem is that I feel these strong conflicting feelings, emotions and thoughts. I really want to have a relationship now, but dont want to get married till another 10 years or more. Of all the girls that I dated, all have premarital sex and use contraception. As I catholic I know this is wrong. I want to have a loving relationship but at the same time I dont want to be placed into position to have premarital sex or use contraception which I dont know if I will be able to resist the temptation of doing in a relationship. I also dont want to develop a relationship with a girl and then they dump me for not wanting have having sex with them because of my religious beliefs.

Please help.

How do I deal with these issues?, what do I do?

 

[NHInsider]

Hi - I don’t know how much use my advice is to you, as I’m a middle-aged woman . . . but you’re right, loneliness isn’t a healthy long-term way to live. I think you should start by making some friends - not girlfriends, just friends - with an assortment of people - young singles like yourself (male and female), young marrieds, and older people as well. You need (we all need) to have friendships and relationships with others - that’s the way the Lord created us. And that’s the way most of us found our spouses - a friendship developed into something deeper. Relationships that start out with the intention of romance tend to either never get off the ground, because they are unnatural and forced, or they tend to flame out, because they’re all based on pheremones and sex and can’t withstand the wear-and-tear of ordinary life. And if you meet someone in a friend context and get to know them before you start dating, you’ll find girls who aren’t looking for instant sex (in fact, a lot of girls would rather not – it’s actually a common complaint among young women that the guys they meet expect sex early in relationships).

Incidentally, I don’t know what things are like in Australia, but here in the States many young men seem to remain single much longer than they used to, and longer than their sisters do even today. In my own family all my daughters are married and neither of my sons are. My older son is just your age, lives in a house with three other guys and has lots of friends of both sexes, but isn’t interested in “settling” yet. He’s a sports nut, so he tends to make friends in sports context - he plays on at least 3 coed teams that I can think of (flag football, softball and kickball). They hang out together in groups, going to watch the local college teams, going to the beach, going to shows - some of them are paired up but just as many are not.

If you’re not into sports, what do you enjoy? If you’re musical, join a chorale or a band. If you’re bookish, are there book groups at libraries and bookstores? Sign up for a class in photography or bird-watching. You get the idea. Obviously if your parish has a young singles group that would be a good place to make friends with like-minded people, but sadly that is one group many churches don’t serve well. But you do need to put yourself in a place where you can meet people and make non-romantic relationships first, before you’ll be able to develop a healthy romantic relationship.

 

[1ke]

A lot of people at work do not understand why I have never had a girlfriend all my life or why I never pursued these relationships any further. They think I am weird that I dont have a girlfriend and am still a virgin at 25 years of age. They have really opened up eyes to take a look at my life. In a way also they also made me feel depressed . Now I think I am strange and weird compared to them, like I am the odd one out. Is this true when you people compare yourself to me regarding relationships? am I strange?

Why are you talking about such personal things with people at work?

It’s none of their business, and you should not be sharing personal details with them.

Also, who cares what those people think? You should focus on living a life of holiness and being close to God through prayer, the Sacraments, and good works.

Yes, a person who is striving to live in holiness and sanctity will be at odds with the modern culture around them. This is not a sign you are doing anything wrong, rather something right.

I have now come to a point in my life where I feel very lonely . I sometimes go for lone walks in the park and seeing other guys kissing and holding hands together with their girlfriends makes me feel so depressed and that I am missing out so much in my life.
I am really now, more than ever feel the need to be in a loving relationship and spend my time with that special someone.

To date someone to satisfy your own needs is the wrong reason to date someone. If you are lonely, get some friends. Get a dog. Join a club.

If you want to get married, date a woman.

My main problem is that I feel these strong conflicting feelings, emotions and thoughts. I really want to have a relationship now, but dont want to get married till another 10 years or more.

What makes you say this? If someone is called to the vocation of marriage, then one should respond to that call.

If you are wanting to get married for some other reason, perhaps you should have a sit down with your priest to discuss vocations.

Ten years is a very long time. Any woman you date is going to want to move the relationship forward much faster than that. If you truly do not intend to marry for 10 or more years, and meeting the right girl will not change your mind, then DO NOT DATE.

How do I deal with these issues?, what do I do?

Talk to your priest. Maybe you have some of your priorities out of order or an unrealistic view of marriage.

 

[runningdude]

Same boat here, 22 year old single male, faithful obedient Catholic all my life. A few years ago in college, almost all my friends were still virgin, but that number slowly whittled down to nearly none (and none are married). For some being single tormented them to the point they would lose it to anyone. My other friends would praise them at the time, but a few weeks or months later, he or she would be on my shoulder crying because the one they lost it to left them.

I however did have a girlfriend or two, so I think I may have escape much of the peer pressure to date simply for dating’s sake. However, I also had my heart handed to me on a platter by a girl who was a sweet and faithful Christian girl who also waiting for marriage.

This really knocked me over for several months. One morning, I even woke up and realized that I was an Atheist. Scariest week of my life, being an Atheist. Intellectually, I knew there had to be a God, but emotionally, I just didn’t feel there was. In the aftermath, I realized (with the help of the sacrament of reconciliation), that I had been playing a mental straw-man with my faith.

I had tried to convince myself that virginity had secular benefits as well, but my slight crisis of faith made me realize that no morality makes any sense without God. I was trying to play both sides of the fence, but realized yet again, God requires unconditional belief. Either He is real, and everything matters, or He’s not, and nothing matters.

What I know is that I’m a virgin by choice. I know this in part because I had several opportunities to lose it, but turned them down. What I learned from having my heart ripped out and having my faith unplugged was that virginity isn’t the end goal. Virginity is just a number. V=0!

Chasity is the Goal! Chasity is a virtue that one can strive to achieve. Virginity is easy - achieved with as little as being so socially awkward, no wants to “do you”. Chasity means developing healthy and meaningful relationships that help you grow closer to God. For laity, it means developing relationships at church, at work, and among family and friends. For the married, it means developing a special physical intimacy reserved for one’s spouse. For some religious brothers and sisters, it means developing a relationship directly with God while in the seclusion of the monastery.

My advice, develop strong friendships, while staying true to your faith and beliefs. This can be extremely difficult, especially when your friends are not striving for the same things. But with strong friends and a healthy conviction, you can deflect criticisms of awkwardness or weirdness.

God wants us to strive for holiness and chastity, developing healthy relationships with him and others. Virginity without chastity is just a number!

 

[JimG]

Why wait ten year or more for marriage? By then you’ll be 35 or older and historically, that’s a rather late age to begin a family, and if you marry a woman of the same age her biological clock will be ticking down. Procrastination is not necessarily a virtue.

 

[JABA]

If you’re not into sports, what do you enjoy? If you’re musical, join a chorale or a band. If you’re bookish, are there book groups at libraries and bookstores? Sign up for a class in photography or bird-watching. You get the idea. Obviously if your parish has a young singles group that would be a good place to make friends with like-minded people, but sadly that is one group many churches don’t serve well. But you do need to put yourself in a place where you can meet people and make non-romantic relationships first, before you’ll be able to develop a healthy romantic relationship.

This is true. I dont have that many friends. Going to work is my social life Maybe this is why I feel this way.

Why are you talking about such personal things with people at work?

It’s none of their business, and you should not be sharing personal details with them.

I work as a nurse and when working nightshift you can end up spending up to 10 hours with the same staff everyday. Some of the staff I work with, I have known them for years. We end up sharing alot about our personal lives and problems.

Also, who cares what those people think? You should focus on living a life of holiness and being close to God through prayer, the Sacraments, and good works.

True

Yes, a person who is striving to live in holiness and sanctity will be at odds with the modern culture around them. This is not a sign you are doing anything wrong, rather something right.

I know this is true. Its just hard when almost all the other people you know are different. It makes it hard sometimes.

What makes you say this? If someone is called to the vocation of marriage, then one should respond to that call.

If you are wanting to get married for some other reason, perhaps you should have a sit down with your priest to discuss vocations.

Ten years is a very long time. Any woman you date is going to want to move the relationship forward much faster than that. If you truly do not intend to marry for 10 or more years, and meeting the right girl will not change your mind, then DO NOT DATE.

I dont feel that I am personally ready to commit to marriage or to have children as yet. I feel that I was a kid and went straight to being an adult. I feel that I have missed on my teenage years in life. I also dont feel that I am 25 years old and want to experience those teenage years now

Same boat here, 22 year old single male, faithful obedient Catholic all my life. A few years ago in college, almost all my friends were still virgin, but that number slowly whittled down to nearly none (and none are married). For some being single tormented them to the point they would lose it to anyone. My other friends would praise them at the time, but a few weeks or months later, he or she would be on my shoulder crying because the one they lost it to left them.

I however did have a girlfriend or two, so I think I may have escape much of the peer pressure to date simply for dating’s sake. However, I also had my heart handed to me on a platter by a girl who was a sweet and faithful Christian girl who also waiting for marriage.

This really knocked me over for several months. One morning, I even woke up and realized that I was an Atheist. Scariest week of my life, being an Atheist. Intellectually, I knew there had to be a God, but emotionally, I just didn’t feel there was. In the aftermath, I realized (with the help of the sacrament of reconciliation), that I had been playing a mental straw-man with my faith.

I had tried to convince myself that virginity had secular benefits as well, but my slight crisis of faith made me realize that no morality makes any sense without God. I was trying to play both sides of the fence, but realized yet again, God requires unconditional belief. Either He is real, and everything matters, or He’s not, and nothing matters.

What I know is that I’m a virgin by choice. I know this in part because I had several opportunities to lose it, but turned them down. What I learned from having my heart ripped out and having my faith unplugged was that virginity isn’t the end goal. Virginity is just a number. V=0!

Chasity is the Goal! Chasity is a virtue that one can strive to achieve. Virginity is easy - achieved with as little as being so socially awkward, no wants to “do you”. Chasity means developing healthy and meaningful relationships that help you grow closer to God. For laity, it means developing relationships at church, at work, and among family and friends. For the married, it means developing a special physical intimacy reserved for one’s spouse. For some religious brothers and sisters, it means developing a relationship directly with God while in the seclusion of the monastery.

My advice, develop strong friendships, while staying true to your faith and beliefs. This can be extremely difficult, especially when your friends are not striving for the same things. But with strong friends and a healthy conviction, you can deflect criticisms of awkwardness or weirdness.

God wants us to strive for holiness and chastity, developing healthy relationships with him and others. Virginity without chastity is just a number!

Thanks for your thoughtful response

Why wait ten year or more for marriage? By then you’ll be 35 or older and historically, that’s a rather late age to begin a family, and if you marry a woman of the same age her biological clock will be ticking down. Procrastination is not necessarily a virtue.

I dont feel that I ready at the moment to commit to marriage or having children. I still feel kind of immature for this type of commitment.

 

[1ke]

I work as a nurse and when working nightshift you can end up spending up to 10 hours with the same staff everyday. Some of the staff I work with, I have known them for years. We end up sharing alot about our personal lives and problems.

And you need to avoid these types of inappropriate conversations, not encourage them.

I dont feel that I am personally ready to commit to marriage or to have children as yet. I feel that I was a kid and went straight to being an adult. I feel that I have missed on my teenage years in life. I also dont feel that I am 25 years old and want to experience those teenage years now

Sounds like you have some really messed up priorities. You want to be a teenager? You are a man. I suggest you focus on how to be a holy MAN not a teenage BOY.

I dont feel that I ready at the moment to commit to marriage or having children. I still feel kind of immature for this type of commitment.

Perhaps some spiritual counseling would help. You should be preparing yourself for marrigae, building solid character that will serve you well as a husband and father. If you are not mature enough right now for marriage, then do not date seriously.

 

[twoangels]

This is true. I dont have that many friends. Going to work is my social life Maybe this is why I feel this way.

Yea, you need to get involved more. I’d focus on some sort of ministry or volunteer work. We’re all called to know, love and serve the Lord. When we’re single, since we’re not dedicating our time to serving God by serving our family, its a great opportunity to serve God’s Church in ministries that married people don’t have as much time for.

dont feel that I am personally ready to commit to marriage or to have children as yet. I feel that I was a kid and went straight to being an adult. I feel that I have missed on my teenage years in life. I also dont feel that I am 25 years old and want to experience those teenage years now

You’re focused too much on serving yourself and satisfying yourself. That’s going to make you lonely. We’re not supposed to be inward focused. We have a hunger to love which is to give ourselves to other people. That may be in marriage or that may be in some other type of vocation.

As for feeling like you’re not ready to be an adult, join the boat. I’m turning 30 this year and I think I only recently have come to terms with “whoa, I’m an adult. I’m not a kid anymore.” Now its more like “Whoa, those kids who are 20 were babies when I was 10. How are they adults? I’m still new to this adult thing. They should be kids!” Then I realize this was the exact same reaction all the adults used to have toward me as I grew up.

Realize this. People used to enter their adulthood when they were teenagers. Our culture has prolonged childhood into the teenage years due to our educational system. But back in the day, when you were a teen, you were out on your own and already separated from your parents. It hasn’t been that way for centuries, but its not so much that you just need to wait for maturity. Maturity is rather thrust upon you by having responsibilities thrust upon you. As such, the less responsibilities you give yourself as an adult, the less mature you’re going to be. These are things you just have to dive into. Waiting ten years isn’t going to make you feel more ready.

Thanks for your thoughtful response

I dont feel that I ready at the moment to commit to marriage or having children. I still feel kind of immature for this type of commitment.

 

[Adam1986]

Hey all.

This is my first post, and I dont know if this is the right section to post this question. So please forgive me if I posted in the wrong section ,lol.

I am 25 years old and have never had a girlfriend in my life. I have been on a few dates with different women which would of developed into something special, but I put an end to it from my part before it developed any further. I hurt some people doing this and I hate myself for this. I will explain further why.

A lot of people at work do not understand why I have never had a girlfriend all my life or why I never pursued these relationships any further. They think I am weird that I dont have a girlfriend and am still a virgin at 25 years of age. They have really opened up eyes to take a look at my life. In a way also they also made me feel depressed . Now I think I am strange and weird compared to them, like I am the odd one out. Is this true when you people compare yourself to me regarding relationships? am I strange?

I have now come to a point in my life where I feel very lonely . I sometimes go for lone walks in the park and seeing other guys kissing and holding hands together with their girlfriends makes me feel so depressed and that I am missing out so much in my life.
I am really now, more than ever feel the need to be in a loving relationship and spend my time with that special someone.

My main problem is that I feel these strong conflicting feelings, emotions and thoughts. I really want to have a relationship now, but dont want to get married till another 10 years or more. Of all the girls that I dated, all have premarital sex and use contraception. As I catholic I know this is wrong. I want to have a loving relationship but at the same time I dont want to be placed into position to have premarital sex or use contraception which I dont know if I will be able to resist the temptation of doing in a relationship. I also dont want to develop a relationship with a girl and then they dump me for not wanting have having sex with them because of my religious beliefs.

Please help.

How do I deal with these issues?, what do I do?

I don’t really think I can help you too much because I disagree with what the Church teaches on sex.

But you asked if you were strange…ABSOLUTELY NOT! Everyone is different and unique. While it is true that you are not following the “norm” of young adulthood, it does not make you strange. It just makes you, you.

I will try to give you a little piece of advice though, try meeting a girl through your Church or a Church function. She very well might share your values.

Good luck!

 

[jmj603]

I have now come to a point in my life where I feel very lonely . I sometimes go for lone walks in the park and

Paradoxically, the answer is good male Catholic friends.

Exercise is good though. Have you tried weightlifting?

 

[The_Exodus]

A lot of people at work do not understand why I have never had a girlfriend all my life or why I never pursued these relationships any further. They think I am weird that I dont have a girlfriend and am still a virgin at 25 years of age. They have really opened up eyes to take a look at my life. In a way also they also made me feel depressed . Now I think I am strange and weird compared to them, like I am the odd one out. Is this true when you people compare yourself to me regarding relationships? am I strange?

It is very hard to do, but you need to come to a point in your life where it doesn’t matter if other people think you are “weird” or “strange.” You have to be your own person. If you simply conform to what everyone else thinks is “normal,” who is making the decisions in your life?

This is difficult, I know, and I ought to practice more of what I’m preaching, but social stigmatism comes from a love of the world, and an inordinate love of the opinion of other people. Pride, really, is at the root of it all, because we want people to think highly of us, to think we’re “cool” or “smart” or “nice.” We are not called to do any of those things though. We are called to follow Christ. It is hard, very very hard I know. But remember the promises we are rewarded: blessed art those who are persecuted for my name’s sake, for great is your reward in heaven.

You have before you in your life a great opportunity to stand up for your beliefs, and become more yourself, more the person God meant for you to be, by dying to your love of the world and the views of others, and following what you know is right.

jaba:

I have now come to a point in my life where I feel very lonely . I sometimes go for lone walks in the park and seeing other guys kissing and holding hands together with their girlfriends makes me feel so depressed and that I am missing out so much in my life.
I am really now, more than ever feel the need to be in a loving relationship and spend my time with that special someone.

You are experiencing the real desire for a relationship probably for the first time. That may be new, and somewhat overwhelming to you. But you shouldn’t go rushing off into something. These emotions will become more managable once you begin to deal with them regularly. God may be calling you to find someone, but emotions are fickle, and you ought to consider and pray about it before you jump to any conclusions.

jaba:

I also dont want to develop a relationship with a girl and then they dump me for not wanting have having sex with them because of my religious beliefs.
:

My advice is to be upfront about your beliefs. Tell your potential girlfriend that you are Catholic, and make it known you take your religion seriously (it’s odd that that should have to be said, but in today’s culture, unfortunately it does.) She will either respect that, or not. If she doesn’t, then you’ve saved yourself a lot of potential trouble and heartache. If she does, perhaps she has similar feelings, or particular religious beliefs she takes very seriously as well.

 

[slywakka250]

I am 23 years old, and never had a girlfriend. I have been on a few “first dates,” but none of these girls spoke to me again.

I have a serious problem with social anxiety. I don’t have any friends.

The big problem is I get really nervous and can’t hold a conversation together AT ALL. I’m too scared to contribute my thoughts, as my mind is a whirl of anxiety and fear when interacting with other people. My mind is frequently blank, making it impossible for me to share myself with others and build friendships or relationships.

The loneliness I feel is terrible. I relate to your comment about seeing couples in the park. I walk by in disgust and light up a cigarette, which is often my only friend. Much worse is seeing other guys go up and ask out girls with ease whom you have been attracted to for months or even years, but have been unable to even say a hello to them.

I think its fair to say that not having friends and never having a girlfriend IS strange and not normal. We are social creatures, and being unable to form meaningful relationships is to miss out on life in a big way.

My advice would be as others have said, is to join clubs, get you life together, etc. For the moment I am uncommitted or dissident towards my Catholic faith, as the Church seems to push me into deeper loneliness and despair because of the possibility of hell, and all the guilt and sin associated with sex. To me, the very limited sexual experiences I have had are among the happiest moments of my life, because they are moments I felt I truly had overcome my fear and anxiety of being close to another person, and was finally accepted, even if just for a brief moment, it meant the world to me! So that’s one reason I right now don’t accept the Church’s teaching on sex, so I can’t help you there.

 

[slywakka250]

I am 23 years old, and never had a girlfriend. I have been on a few “first dates,” but none of these girls spoke to me again.

I have a serious problem with social anxiety. I don’t have any friends.

The big problem is I get really nervous and can’t hold a conversation together AT ALL. I’m too scared to contribute my thoughts, as my mind is a whirl of anxiety and fear when interacting with other people. My mind is frequently blank, making it impossible for me to share myself with others and build friendships or relationships.

The loneliness I feel is terrible. I relate to your comment about seeing couples in the park. I walk by in disgust and light up a cigarette, which is often my only friend. Much worse is seeing other guys go up and ask out girls with ease whom you have been attracted to for months or even years, but have been unable to even say a hello to them.

I think its fair to say that not having friends and never having a girlfriend IS strange and not normal. We are social creatures, and being unable to form meaningful relationships is to miss out on life in a big way.

My advice would be as others have said, is to join clubs, get you life together, etc. For the moment I am uncommitted or dissident towards my Catholic faith, as the Church seems to push me into deeper loneliness and despair because of the possibility of hell, and all the guilt and sin associated with sex. To me, the very limited sexual experience I have had are among the happiest moments of my life, because they are moments I felt I truly had somebody who accepted

 

[GraceDK]

To the young guys here who think its not worth waiting for the one and only to have sex I recommend this fantastic web page:

chastity.com/

Virginity is a gift, and a gift that you can only give to one person your whole life. If you give it away to the wrong person /the person you dont marry, you will always regret that.
Sexual activity is a huge responsibility and involves a huge commitment … in essense, Don’t sleep with someone unless you are ready to be the dad of the kid that might come out of it. Don’t sleep with someone who might give you one of many sexual diseases, and dont sleep with someone who you cant see your self with in 30 years time, because when you sleep with someone the hormonal and emotional bonding is so strong that its a trauma to many people, to be dumbed after that… as a rejection of your whole person, because you indeed give your whole person over when you have sex.

Work to have love, not to use people to cure loneliness, or anxiety.

If you have a social phobia or severe problems in making friendships, see a counselor so you can find reasons and tools to move on.

 

[sovegna_vos]

OP- have you considered trying to meet Catholic girls, who would share your value system?

There are Catholic dating sites on the web.

 

[JABA]

OP- have you considered trying to meet Catholic girls, who would share your value system?

There are Catholic dating sites on the web.

I was thinking of doing this.

But feel kind of shy and awkward meeting someone through the internet.

Has anyone here had any experience with dating sights?