Issues in Marriage - Help

[lynn0704]

I have been married over ten years and have three young children. My husband is ten years older than me and we met shortly after I graduated college. In hindsight, we were not a good match from the beginning and I was too young to get so involved. We had some pretty large fights but I just kept going on with him, he treated me like I was this dream that saved him. After we got married, it became apparent quickly that he had a temper. On our honeymoon, he became angry and ended up ripping off his pants at hotel because of some issue with his flipflop. Then after it, there has been a temper outburst around every six months for the duration of our marriage. When he tries to do something and it doesn’t work as he expects, he goes into a rage and ends up breaking things - dishwasher, phones, punched holes in wall, the car navigation, etc. At times he has been physical with me. Not hitting but has shoved, held down, pushed. The last time he was physical was probably two years ago. It has probably not occurred since because I can see now when he is going to have a blow up and I try not to provoke or engage in it as I know it will elevate.

About six months ago, he became enraged and broke a bunch of stuff in front of our children. At that point, we talked to our priest and he started to see a psychologist. He went on medicine and that has seemed to help with the rage elevating to breaking things as there hasn’t been any major blow ups since. However, he has continued to become angry quickly and takes it out by screaming at me. He has called me a moron in front our kids and other names. When I try to talk to him about something that he doesn’t like once he is done with the discussion, he will start yelling as he knows that I will back off because I don’t want our kids to hear him (usually after the kids are in bed). I have reached a point where I’m thinking about what it would be like to leave and separate as I know deep down I should probably have done this a long time ago. I don’t know why I haven’t left in the past - it’s a combination of fear of the unknown, dividing the family, or ruining this perceived perfect life that we have from the outside. We live in our dream home, our kids go to catholic school. In between the outbursts, I get into a mode of thinking everything is great as he can be wonderful and we have generally a good relationship when there isn’t a blow up. He does nice things for me and does treat me kindly most of the time.

We haven’t had sex in over six months and there’s reason that I know of why not. I feel terrible at the thought of leaving though - he is trying as he is on meds and seeing a dr now, the kids love him and have fun with him, we have our dream home and what appears to be a dream life which would be lost if I left. 90% of the time things are wonderful. I’m at a crossroads and I feel guilty even thinking of leaving. I am scared of breaking up our family and honestly don’t want to hurt him either as I do care for him, and I’m honestly scared how he will react if I tell him that I want to separate.

 

[alice24]

If you choose to leave, make sure your children are safe and you aren´t alone with him when you say it to him. Really, don´t. Even if he seems relaxed.

I´m maybe not the right person to answer this as your situation reminds me too close of my own past with an abusive man who had temper issues. Maybe I see too much of this in your story, so I will only say, please, please be careful. Talk to a specialist about the violence. It seems that you are a way too used to this kind of behaviour. You children need a safe and respected mum as a role model.
I wish you all the best, dear OP.

 

[Cruciferi]

https://www.helpourmarriage.org

Seeking marital counseling and continuing with a psychiatrist are essential!

However, he has continued to become angry quickly and takes it out by screaming at me.

I wonder if he’s taking his medication regularly? Don’t hesitate to try more than one medication. This should be discussed with his psychiatrist.

We haven’t had sex in over six months and there’s reason that I know of why not.

Whatever the reason, this should be addressed.

 

[TheLittleLady]

It sounds as if you and the children are in danger. Find a safe place and go there.

 

[Tulitas]

Call the Women’s Shelter immediately. He’s not going to change anytime soon. Get his attention by leaving and going somewhere safe. Do no disclose your location. When the kids ask questions just tell them Daddy needs to see a Doctor and that they will not see him alone for a while, as he gets help. Get the advice of a good priest and a Catholic counselor. There are people out there to help you! AVAIL yourself of this help!

 

[angel12]

I am so sorry you are going through this! And it must be very hard to think clearly. You will be in my prayers.

As someone else has mentioned, his medication may need to be changed/adjusted. Does his doctor know he still has these angry outbursts? If he doesn’t want to tell the doctor, you should.

Screaming at you and calling you a moron is abuse, just as surely as shoving you and holding you down was. And children catch more of this than we realize. Ultimately, you may have to decide what to do based on whether you want them to grow up thinking this is normal.

 

[hoping4more]

About six months ago, he became enraged and broke a bunch of stuff in front of our children. At that point, we talked to our priest and he started to see a psychologist

He went on medicine

We haven’t had sex in over six months and there’s reason that I know of why not.

These are surely related.

It is tough since these are so spread out. I guess he doesn’t even have times of elevated emotional/anger in between?

I would, around others or some type of mediator, tell him to leave/you are leaving, if you think you will be safe there(maybe short outburst or prolonged outrages, not good if he knows where you are).

No idea why he has these outburst. You probably should not try to diagnose it either. Tell him to talk to a priest/psycholgist etc and figure it out.

 

[Xantippe]

Seeking marital counseling and continuing with a psychiatrist are essential!

I have, though, seen advice not to do joint marriage counseling with an abusive person.

Individual counseling is a good idea, though, as well as is reading Why Does He Do That?, and maybe making contact with an abuse hotline. (Do the last two discreetly, please!)

Please be safe!

 

[lynn0704]

Thank you for all the responses. They are honestly making me feel a bit panicked though. I have always been in denial that it’s abuse. I think mostly because when the times are good between outbursts, they are generally really good and he does nice things for me, is great with our kids, takes care of so much with the house and family, etc. It’s almost like I imagined the terrible blow up. I started writing down incidents, it makes it seem more real to write it down as I usually make excuses for it or block it from my mind after a few days and then we go into a good period so it seems forgotten. I don’t know why but it’s like I’ve finally hit a wall where I can’t keep it all from my mind and I feel like I need to face the reality of what’s happened and happening. My oldest is 8 and I think some of it is that I know she is seeing the outbursts now and understanding what is happening. I don’t want her to think that is how a man is supposed to treat his wife. I made an appointment to meet with one of our priests today, and I am having lunch with a friend today and plan to tell her at least some of what has been going on. I’ve never really spoken of it to anyone, probably since that requires admitting and facing the reality that it has happened.

 

[angel12]

I made an appointment to meet with one of our priests today, and I am having lunch with a friend today and plan to tell her at least some of what has been going on. I’ve never really spoken of it to anyone, probably since that requires admitting and facing the reality that it has happened.

That’s a very good plan. Someone outside the family needs to be aware of what’s going on. You need the support.

 

[Beta.Gamma]

You need professional, personal Catholic advice. Please don’t make a major life decision based on the anonymous opinions of others.

 

[lynn0704]

I am not going to make a major decision based on opinions on the internet. It is still helpful though, especially when in denial or trying to rationalize and make excuses for my husband’s behavior. I have internalized it all for over ten years and it’s a big step for me to even write a post on an anonymous board.

 

[Viki63]

I have been where you are.
It is hard to make a move when things are good, and when there’s a blowup, all you can think about is getting through it in one piece. So keeping a record of events is a good idea.
What helped me finally was going to a therapist who asked, “Why do you let him do that to you?”
I didn’t understand, I said I’ve tried everything, and I thought I had. But staying in the relationship was allowing him to treat me badly. The therapist helped me make a clear-cut plan.

I told him that if he ever hit or threatened me again, I would leave. A week later he did, I called a friend for a ride and left with my son. Once I was out of the situation, my thinking became much clearer.
But in your case, there may be some danger, so don’t do this alone. As others have suggested, get help and don’t argue with him alone.
God bless.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Even this response is classic from abused spouses.

Your parish priest knows how to help, your parish likely supports the women’s shelter in town.

 

[BlackFriar]

Lynn don’t be panicked.
Keep in mind that everyone here is posting through the lenses of their own flawed pasts as well.

Can you tell us what you meant in your marriage vows when you said “for better or for worse” as that may be the key to where you can go from here and retain personal integrity.

The first thing I suggest is not to take any advice here too seriously as we don’t know the ins and outs and never will know you, we have no skin in this game, and we are not experts.
It is good that you are seeking out appropriate experts to provide you a sounding board for good objective a view.

Personally I do not see any significant markers that require wholesale and immediate exiting of the situation which you rightly observe will cause serious trauma for yourself and the children. Your husband is responding to your challenges by seeing professionals for his formerly unacceptable issues.

The line in the sand (ie for a warning of at least temporary separation) would probably be any physical aggression of your person or the kids which, despite repentance, keeps happening and escalating. Psychological abuse is more difficult. We all abuse each other to some degree in this area and the limit has a lot to do with culture and individual personalities and styles. As you suggest the line would seem to be when its significant, in front of the children and repeated despite challenge and repentance.

Sometimes things can work if they are put out in the open and those involved are prepared to acknowledge and work at changing. It would be sad to see you put yourself and the kids through serious trauma when the current ongoing trauma is in short sharp bursts (and not over the top violent) with long good times in between. It does sound more like an illness or some sort of denial that is getting in the way of your relationship rather than the relationship itself at this stage to me.

I think the main thing as you say is to address the elephant in the room with bright lights and professional help and see if it doesn’t shrink back down to something you can live with as per your marriage vows. Of course your marriage vows don’t mean everything must be sucked up.

God’s peace.

 

[Viki63]

I’m sorry, Blackfriar, but your advice is off the mark. This man is showing classic signs of abuse: he has broken appliances, punched holes in walls, held down his wife, shoved and pushed her, screamed at her, called her names in front of the children. Then he apologizes, swears he’ll get help, is sweet for another six months until something sets him off again. She has to walk on eggshells, and tries not to provoke him as she knows it will escalate.
This is a classic cycle of abuse. No one should have to live on such terms; this is not what “for better or worse” means. Scripture is clear that it’s acceptable to separate in such cases.

 

[SnowRose]

Agree that all the classical signs are there, and I’m speaking as a domestic abuse survivor. You try everything to make things better but the situation wears you down until you cannot make rational decisions. It still keeps getting slowly worse. Is insidiously a word?
In my case, it finally ended with death does us part. A part of me is humbly thankful we didn’t own a gun to tempt him into taking me and the children along.

So. Get discrete, professional help. Find out what the resources are in your area. Talk to your priest and protect your diary.

 

[BlackFriar]

I’m sorry, Blackfriar, but your advice is off the mark.

Do you really mean you personally see it differently?
As you come from a similar background where you left I suggest the more balanced and self aware advice of @alice24 is apposite:

I´m maybe not the right person to answer this as your situation reminds me too close of my own past with an abusive man who had temper issues. Maybe I see too much of this in your story, so I will only say, please, please be careful. Talk to a specialist about the violence.

My advice was essentially the same as Alice.

This man is showing classic signs of abuse: he has broken appliances, punched holes in walls, held down his wife, shoved and pushed her…

Indeed, but you overlooked the fact he seems to have made significant effort to change (sought medical advice) and apparently has not done the above since.
Proven change deserves some respect even if he hasn’t yet mitigated the remaining concerning violence. He deserves a little time to prove himself in the remaining area surely? The kids still love him to bits according to the OP.

This is a classic cycle of abuse.

I am suggesting an unchanging “cycle” has not been conclusively proven just yet.

But as I say, CAF advice will not help the OP, we all disagree and none of us know the whole story. And we are not provable experts.

All we can do is suggest our OP seeks professional assistance together with the agreement of her husband. If he wont acknowledge the issue and agree that may be THE sign she needs.

 

[pianistclare]

A significant effort to change is TO CHANGE.
Another abuse survivor here. These people always promise to do better. Sometimes they get counseling, Sometimes they think there is nothing wrong with their way of life. But the children ALWAYS pay a price, a very high price. Eventually, the abuser verbally abuses the children because it becomes habitual when unchecked.
This aw-shucks give the poor guy another chance attitude is fraught with peril.
If she temporarily separates he may be moved to genuine change.
It’s worth a try. I don’t know one priest who would not support it When my husband threatened to kill us all, starting with my 12 yr old, everyone I knew said “Why have you not ever said anything? We would have helped you every step of the way.” But I thought I could manage him. I could not. He was out of control. It was gradual.
Please stop discounting the personal and real-life experiences of the women on this thread.

 

[BlackFriar]

Please stop discounting the personal and real-life experiences of the women on this thread.

I do not believe anybody is discounting anything that is significant PC. You may like to quote something we have overlooked perhaps?

What is being observed is the principle that not everybody’s situation is the same and the OPs husband is not your former husband.
For example, I don’t yet see a “when my husband threatened to kill us all” type husband.

We all see the present psychological abuse which cannot continue without change. Some of us however are simply observing some balance needs to be put into the narrative here rather than assume the situation is already 100% proven to be irredeemable.
The OP needs professional and objective advice to assist in discerning that. We here on CAF cannot provide that. Nor can former victims of abuse reliably provide that objectivity.
Alice above, with impressive self insight, wisely observes that possibility of self bias.

But the message is the same. Seek professional advice and if your husband declines or does not change then the trajectory is clearer.