Issues in Marriage - Help

  • Thread starter Thread starter lynn0704
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I think people said all of that upthread. No? Unsubscribing. The OP is in out prayers.
 
I agree with you, Blackfriar. Professional help is highly recommended.
And you may be right that those of us who have experienced this are biased. But also, we see the pattern since we have lived it; the pattern is very often invisible to someone when they are going through it.
And while separation is often helpful, I hope the OP will keep in mind that telling an abuser that you are separating is often the most dangerous time of all. I pray that she will get counseling before doing anything, and will keep safety as the first priority.
 
Last edited:
I just wanted to thank you all again. I am still honestly partly in denial that this is happening and the seriousness. But at the same time I’m starting to recognize the severity of the situation. I don’t know if this is a normal response. I feel like for years I have tried to just completely black out the bad times, the temper rages and screaming, but now I can’t seem to get it out of my mind. It’s all I can think about and all I can think about is what it would be like to leave. I’m still extremely scared though and my biggest fear is probably that he will try to get custody of our kids or use them to hurt me. I met with my friend for lunch last Friday and told her what has been happening. Although it was so hard, I feel relief that I have finally spoken of it and told someone. She wasn’t surprised. We had gone on vacation with her and her husband and kids over the summer. Afterwards, we haven’t really hung out all together, although her and I have stayed close. She told me the reason that we don’t spend time all together anymore is that her husband has a big problem with mine and couldn’t stand to watch how mine treated me when we were on vacation. and that a few times he had to walk away because he wanted to go after my husband to stop. It was a bit shocking because I didn’t even realize my husband was treating me poorly then. I guess I’ve just become so used to it but she said basically it’s hard to watch how he treats me. I spoke to my priest too. He felt that I should leave and “step away” for awhile. I know what I have to do. It’s now the daunting thought of how do I actually do it. How to figure out money and logistics and make a move without destroying everyone around me, and how to get the mental strength to do it. I did call a shelter and left a message for a counselor there to try to set up time to speak with them. Thank you for all of your prayers and comments. It gives me a glimmor of hope that some of you have been in similar situations and made it out okay and are better off now.
 
For all the mortal sins I’ve committed, regretted, worked to change, the one sin that sits in my throat daily: the guilt to my kids that I let them suffer through hell in not getting out earlier, bc I was too weak, too meek, too kind, too enamoured with ”til death do you part.” (I’m Lutheran, marriage isn’t a sacrament here, but I did give my word)
Get outside help, please, before things get truly bad.
And be aware that once they realise you’re not responding to their games, that’s when it (statistically) gets ugly. You’ll be in my prayers.
 
SnowRose said:
And be aware that once they realise you’re not responding to their games, that’s when it (statistically) gets ugly
Click to expand...
Yeah. Please be extremely careful. Some things the women´s shelter may tell you will maybe sound overly paranoid and will make you feel like in a wrong film, but trust them. It tooked me extremely long to see clear and accept that there was actual a danger for my life back then.
Passages like your friends staying away sound so familiar to me. For you as a slight of hope: after I separated, some forgotten friends stayed close and loyal to me because they awaited a final decision of me.
Don´t worry now for every detail of organisation. This can be done after you and your children are at a safe place. Keep on being strong. The lady at the women´t shelter back then told me you had the power to endure this all the years, the power to balance out his “moods”. the power to keep it secret. This whole energy is now free for you to build something new
Keep this in mind, dear OP 🙂
 
Last edited:
Thank you all. I was moving forward with renting a townhouse and getting things in order to leave. I talked to both my priests who were supportive of taking time apart from my husband, and I also finally shared with my family and some close friends what has been secret for so long in my marriage. It felt like such a relief to finally get it off my chest, since then though it’s like I can’t think of anything else except all the outburts and hurts he has cause me and my family. I know there have also been many good times, or relatively good times, but my mind is consumed by the bad right now. And I’ve been feeling this range of emotions from sadness to anger to confusion. I finally talked to my husband about it all, I was extremely nervous how he would react but things were so tense in the house and my kids were sensing it all so I felt like I had to try to talk about it before I just completely blindsided him by moving out with the kids. It actually went relatively well all things considered and he was calm about it all. Pretty much accepted he is at fault and wants to change to save our marriage. He also said that I don’t appreciate him though and the things he does for me and our house and kids. I do admit he does a lot, spends a lot of quality time with the kids, takes care of many house things, etc.
But I also think what am I supposed to be doing thanking him everyday, he doesn’t do that for me. And I don’t want this to end up being a case of what each of us did wrong and need to change. I know I’m not perfect but I can also see that our troubles are mostly caused by his underlying issues than me not appreciating him.

That was a few days ago. I’m getting ready to go see my family out of state with my kids for the week to give us some space. It seems my husband is trying, he is being overly nice, going out of his way to do things, kiss me/hug me hello goodbye and those kinds of things. The problem is that I’m not sure how I feel. It’s almost irritating how nice he is being and I’m numb to the ways he is being affectionate. Maybe this is normal to feel this way, but it’s like now that I’ve recognized it all, I don’t know that I can ever actually get past it or whether it’s even worth trying to save our marriage since our marriage has been ridiled with these outburts for the entirety of it. Maybe it’s better for my kids for us to try, but I just don’t know that I have the energy or desire to make it work now that I’ve recognized how bad it’s been for so long. I also don’t know that he could ever really change enough to make it acceptable to me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top