Issues with future in laws

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Lisarosabella

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I have been having issues with my future in laws for about 6 months now. It all started when my fiancé would go home for the weekend and then come to me telling me about how his dad was talking about leaving his mom and how awful the situation was and his mom would also tell him things she was upset about his dad doing. I could see how much this hurt my fiancé and I really don’t think it’s something they should have been dragging him into anyway. It seemed to me they were both being rather selfish and should have been talking to each other about the issues and not dragging their kids into it, even if the kids are adults. The thing that finally just made me lose it was when his dad told my fiancé to his face that if they got divorced it wouldn’t affect my fiancé at all. It would only affect his dad and his mom. This was just the most selfish sad thing I’d ever heard and I saw how it just hit my fiancé super hard to hear his dad basically say he didn’t care about his feelings.
There have also been issues with his sister. I liked to have people over for a few drinks and just to hang out. I invited her over and found out that when she drinks she is very unstable. She started fights over anything she could think of. Later my fiancé and I went out to dinner with her and were discussing the parental situation. I said I felt like there was a lot of selfishness and that it wasn’t something the kids should be dragged into. I didn’t think this was a big thing to say, but she lost it and stomped out of the restaurant, went home, and told her parents something about our dinner. I do believe she blew it out of proportion, because when we went back to their house, they began yelling at us the moment we stepped foot in the house. I just walked away went to grab my stuff so I could leave then his sister tried to block my way… Long story short, it was an awful confrontation. I haven’t apologized to his family because I don’t even know what I’d apologize for. My fiancé wants me to feel like I’m welcome at their house but that’s just not the feeling I get when I’m there.
To make matters worse, before all of this I had asked his sister to be a bridesmaid since she is his only sister and I didn’t want her to feel left out. We have treated her like all the rest of the bridesmaids inviting her shopping, to parties, and any other wedding events, but she continually complains that we are singling her out and treating her meanly. I explained to her that she has been getting the same treatment as any of the other girls, and asked her what more she wants me to do to make her feel welcome, but she has refused to answer me or talk to me any further. My fiancé is stuck in the middle of this mess. I honestly feel terrible about the whole thing. I don’t want to hold a grudge, but I am angry about how upset his family situation makes him feel. I also don’t feel like I can trust his sister at all. I have been praying for their family and for God to help me show His love and be charitable, but I’m just lost as to what else to do. Any advice would be helpful.
 
Oh dear. Another dysfunctional family. 😦 The way they behave sounds very much like my family so here is my insight.

You fiancé must deal with his own family, not you. Your job is to be supportive and loving towards him and later on once you are married to make sure your family life is healthy and different from what he has with his parents.

Stay away from the drama as much as you can. You need a safe distance from them and you need boundaries. Their behaviour is very manipulative, a good example being the sister and her pouting over the wedding. I’d say you are making a mistake by constantly trying to accommodate her. She can feel it and that is why she is behaving like a spoilt brat. Of course you want her to like you and all that, but I suspect that if you carry on pandering to her, she will only get worse in her treatment of you. You can’t fix the father’s manipulative behaviour towards your fiancé, but you can do something about the sister and the way she behaves towards you since it is your wedding. Pick your battles and be wise.

I would also not comment about the family dynamic in front of other people, especially family members (the sister incident). That will be seen as you butting in, and it doesn’t matter if your observations are correct or not. Again, this is for your fiancé to address. You can only offer him support but you can’t solve this family’s problem. What you can do is - together with your husband once you are married - dictate how things work in your family in terms of what is considered acceptable behaviour. The rules will apply to this family and for everyone else who comes to your home and interacts with you.

I hope things get better.
 
Frankly, I think you could be a lot more considerate of your fiance and his family. He and his sister are both undoubtedly very upset over the situation with their parents. For you to say “I felt like there was a lot of selfishness and that it wasn’t something the kids should be dragged into” was very inconsiderate. I’m not surprised his sister “lost it.” Even if you were already married, that would be over the top.

You’d do better to support your fiance and his sister, without criticizing their parents. And yes, you should apologize, to all of them.
 
I do think you overstepped a little by commenting the way you did. It is one thing to discuss your fiancé’s feelings about his parents’ relationship with him, in private, and another to voice your opinion on their marriage to someone else, who is clearly very sensitive about it. It does sound like both she and the family overreacted, but it was not your place to comment as you did.

I can tell you that my parents’ marriage is no picnic, and it affects all of their children, including me, in different ways. We were brought into conflict unfairly, and yes it is selfish- and no, parents should do their best to keep their children out of their marital conflicts. However, if a future in-law took it upon herself to tell me my parents were selfish, as true as it might be, I also would not look kindly upon it. I don’t believe I would have reacted the way she did, and I certainly would not go telling my parents, but no one likes to hear other people saying bad things about their parents. And, parents don’t like to hear that their future daughter-in-law called them selfish either. Maybe it is true, but keep discussions about it between you and your fiancé in the future, and you might consider apologizing. I’m not even saying it’s none of your business, because it is- but he needs to be the one to deal with his own family.

This is an area you and your fiancé need to figure out- what kinds of boundaries will be acceptable regarding his family, how much contact you will have, and how much he will allow himself to be brought into their issues. This is where your focus should be- not on them or what they do (though I understand why you are upset), but rather on how you will handle them as a married couple. He needs to ask his parents not to bring him into their issues any longer. It’s a hard discussion to have, but it needs to happen if he is going to be able to focus on his own marriage.
 
Jesus said, “To your own self be true.” You said what you honestly felt and were not trying to hurt anyone. Don’t beat yourself up: they’ll do it for you.
 
bsroufek said:
Jesus said, “To your own self be true.” You said what you honestly felt and were not trying to hurt anyone. Don’t beat yourself up: they’ll do it for you.
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This is from Hamlet, not Jesus. :rolleyes:
 
Lorelei12 said:
This is an area you and your fiancé need to figure out- what kinds of boundaries will be acceptable regarding his family, how much contact you will have, and how much he will allow himself to be brought into their issues. This is where your focus should be- not on them or what they do (though I understand why you are upset), but rather on how you will handle them as a married couple. He needs to ask his parents not to bring him into their issues any longer. It’s a hard discussion to have, but it needs to happen if he is going to be able to focus on his own marriage.
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How much I need to see them is also something we argue about. He wants me to feel comfortable over there, but I just feel like everyone hates me even if they don’t and I just feel so crabby the minute I step in the house. I don’t want to be there. It makes me upset and I hate having to watch things like this happen.
 
Lisarosabella said:
How much I need to see them is also something we argue about. He wants me to feel comfortable over there, but I just feel like everyone hates me even if they don’t and I just feel so crabby the minute I step in the house. I don’t want to be there. It makes me upset and I hate having to watch things like this happen.
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Before the incident, did you feel comfortable there? Do they involve you in their marital problems too, or just your fiancé when you are not there? Is there a particular reason that you “feel like everyone hates you”? Do they treat you well in general? Are they welcoming?

If the main issue is that you have a problem with how they are involving your fiancé in their troubles, I think you’re going to need to leave it up to him as to how to deal with it. They are his parents. As an adult, he really should be able to put limits on their commenting about each other and not allow himself to be put in the middle of anything. I am sure that it hurts you to see him hurt, but other than encouraging him to set boundaries there isn’t a lot you can do. They certainly should not be dragging him into everything, but the only way they can do that is if he lets them. “Mom, I’m sorry you’re unhappy but I’d rather not discuss the details of your marriage. I love you both and it’s too difficult for me to hear about”. Repeat with Dad. He has to let them figure this out on their own.
 
I kind of agree with the others.

When family members quarrel - they can often say things to each other that they would never allow anyone else to say. So when you fiance’s sister says something about her parents - she doesn’t want you to say the same things. She is going through a terrible time dealing with all of this (just as is your fiance). Everyone deals with it his/her own way.

You can be there to listen - a sympathetic ear - but don’t involve yourself in it - you can’t win that one. (Just as if you and your fiance ever got into an argument - you probably wouldn’t welcome your mom saying “Yeah, he is just a big jerk.”)

As for what you future FIL said - While it isn’t a truthful statement - that a divorce is not about the children - what he might very well have intended was “This is about your mother and I - and nothing you children have done has contributed to the failure of our marriage. It’s about us - not about you.” (He may have been saying it to alleviate guilt. Of course you fiance doesn’t hear it that way - and doesn’t relate it to you that way. He is deeply hurt by his parents’ divorce. But, what his dad may have said - may not be out of selfishness at all.

In any case, I think you should apologize to your fiance’s sister. And if you word it something like “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” - then you don’t have to go into exactly what you said that was wrong. (And, I’m sure it is true - you didn’t mean to upset her).

Oh, and i also agree with “Contra Mundum”. Don’t go out of your way to accomodate your SIL in regards to your wedding. Treat her the same way you would any other bridesmaid. Don’t give her special attention because she is whining about something - unless you want to encourage the whining.
 
Lorelei12 said:
Before the incident, did you feel comfortable there? Do they involve you in their marital problems too, or just your fiancé when you are not there? Is there a particular reason that you “feel like everyone hates you”? Do they treat you well in general? Are they welcoming?

If the main issue is that you have a problem with how they are involving your fiancé in their troubles, I think you’re going to need to leave it up to him as to how to deal with it. They are his parents. As an adult, he really should be able to put limits on their commenting about each other and not allow himself to be put in the middle of anything. I am sure that it hurts you to see him hurt, but other than encouraging him to set boundaries there isn’t a lot you can do. They certainly should not be dragging him into everything, but the only way they can do that is if he lets them. “Mom, I’m sorry you’re unhappy but I’d rather not discuss the details of your marriage. I love you both and it’s too difficult for me to hear about”. Repeat with Dad. He has to let them figure this out on their own.
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I guess I felt welcome before, but not like they were really happy to see me. I don’t feel welcome now because when I walk in they don’t even look up from what they are doing. Everyone in the house sort of segregated into their own corner so it’s really not a fun environment to be in. They also tend to argue with each other about every little thing. Not just the parents, but his siblings too. With each other and with their parents. It’s really tough to sit there an listen to. I’d rather be in a more positive or even neutral environment.
 
Hello there, Lisa - this is really tough and there is no easy answer. It’s obvious that you care a lot about your fiance and it is hard for you to see what he is going through - and to figure out your place in all of this. In some families, the members are all very separated emotionally from each other, and in some families, everyone is entangled in the others’ lives and relationships. It sounds like you may be walking into the latter.

Are you and your fiance in premarital counseling? If not, *please *seriously consider talking with a qualified counselor about this and other common concerns that married couples face. This is more important than any wedding plans that you are making. My husband and I came from opposite family backgrounds and that has had a siginificant impact on how we relate - to each other and to our families of origin. I’m not sure where we’d be if we hadn’t gotten some good advice and tools to start off with. You might also want to start reading the book “Boundaries in Marriage.”

I don’t want to sound dramatic, but this isn’t going to smooth out on its own. You need to seek help together in who you will be as a couple in the midst of this family and how you will relate. You can come thru this together, just don’t push it to the side - take the time now to get the support and guidance you need. Blessings to you both!!
 
Some people may remember me posting here about my in-law troubles. Please listen to the advice you are being given. I also speak from experience coming from a fairly dysfunctional family of my own.

My husband and I had trouble in our engagement with family issues that were not resolved before marriage. I worked hard on learning to set boundaries with my family, which was a huge accomplishment. However, hubby did not set boundaries with his own parents, most especially his mom (who tends to have a very sharp tongue and acts ugly when her feelings get hurt or she doesn’t get her way). Father-in-law was a calming influence and tended to temper his wife. Sadly, when he died, mother-in-law lost the talents of her husband and all heck broke loose. My marriage nearly ended over the fact that hubby would let his mom run roughshod over me–you name it, she did it–and did not hold her accountable. You are identifying actions you don’t like. Have you told your fiancée? Does he see the same things? Does it bother him how his family is treating you?

The reason I write this is to let you know that I so agree that planning the details of the ceremony pale in comparison to resolving the issues you have in each other’s families. When I read your posts, I thought a lot of myself. I also didn’t like the treatment that hubby was getting from his own family long before some of the stuff was directed at me. I didn’t like going to his family’s house seeing how he was treated. And we got into many fights because of it. It finally took a wonderful Catholic marriage counselor to set us both straight.

Although you were probably venting frustration, I would be the bigger person and apologize. After that, I would insist fiancée on taking the lead with all his family issues, including how his sister may be acting. It is so important to your future happiness. I cannot emphasize it enough. And do pray for strength to be the bigger person and endure the things you don’t like. Hand it over to our Lord. The short prayer “Jesus, I trust in you” is so powerful. It has helped me through some low times. I will pray for you and fiancée tonight.
 
Lorelei12, please accept my apology for the offense. I meant it in good fun in the spirit of your original post, not as a put down.
 
McMcMe said:
Lorelei12, please accept my apology for the offense. I meant it in good fun in the spirit of your original post, not as a put down.
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Sorry I took it the wrong way! Thanks for the clarification. 😉
 
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