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Eowyn86
Guest
Hi everyone. I’m a happily married mother of two, and I’d really like some advice and objective opinions on a situation I’m having with my mother right now.
Some background: I’m a cradle Catholic and an only child. My parents gave me a very sheltered upbringing; in fact, I would even go as far to say they over-protected me. The choices that they gave me even into my teens were basically, “do it my way or face severe consequences.” I fully support that a minor child should obey their parents, but I also think that children should be taught *how *to make decisions beyond “because Mom and Dad say so.” I was never allowed to challenge my parents growing up. Whenever I tried to explain that I had a point of view different from them, they would immediately shoot me down, tell me how wrong I was and then ground me from doing anything. Example: in high school I was in a team sport that had an 11 month season, going to high school half time while going full time to the local community college. I was expected to get straight A’s in all my classes–anything less and I would lose the privileges of driving and having any sort of social life with my friends. I took an economics class that was extremely difficult for me. When I came home with a C on an exam, my parents were furious. I explained that I was feeling overworked and that I thought that I should back off on something–not take as many courses at the college next quarter or stop doing the sport after the season ended. They told me “no way.” I was keeping the same school workload next quarter, I had to go out for sports again next season, and the all A’s rule still stood. And then my mom told me that I was just being lazy and looking for excuses to get out of going to school. If I still decided that I disagreed with their decision, I could turn in my car keys and come straight home after school and not do anything with my friends on the weekends.
When I got into college, I had no idea how to make my own decisions. I always had to ask someone for permission to do anything, because that was what I was used to. I had no idea how to make my own choices. So I’d ask “permission” from friends, boyfriends, etc. It’s probably no surprise that I ended up pregnant at 19. Fortunately for me, it was with a decent guy. We got married, and he’s grown into a wonderful, supportive husband. He has been trying to empower me to make my own decisions and take charge of my own life rather than always asking him if it’s okay for me to do something.
My mom hates him. She says that she loves him, that he’s a good dad, etc., but her actions speak otherwise. She takes any opportunity to point out his faults, she’s always disrespecting him. It’s been going on since we’ve been married, and I feel awful for not standing up to my mother about it. Mom is always challenging our parenting decisions. When DH is talking to my 3 year old and disciplining her over some behavior, my mom will walk right in the middle, put herself between DH and my daughter and then let my daughter do whatever she was doing, while blaming DH for “not handling it right.”
Last night I challenged her about the whole situation. I explained to her that by doing that, she’s teaching the kids that it’s okay to throw the rules out the window when they feel like it. She threw it back in my face. She basically told me that it’s all DH’s and my fault because we’re inconsistent with the kids all the time. To be honest, consistency is something that DH and I are trying to get better at–we’re not good about it at all and we know it. But I told her that it’s not an excuse for her to ignore our rules. She started being very rude to me, and so I told her point-blank that she was being rude and to stop talking to me that way. She rolled her eyes and said very sarcastically, “oh, please. Just talk. You’re the one getting all upset over it, look how calm I’m remaining.” She always finds a way to use my own words against me, and sometimes I believe that she’s actually got a valid point.
So how to I handle the situation with regards to my kids? I mean, does she have a point that since I’m inconsistent she’s not confusing the kids any more than I am? Or does it even matter since she’s not their parent? Part of me feels like I should be able to just tell her, “too bad, you’re not their mother so you don’t have a say.” But the other part of me feels like that would be too harsh a statement to make.
If something was unclear, let me know and I’ll try to give more information.
Some background: I’m a cradle Catholic and an only child. My parents gave me a very sheltered upbringing; in fact, I would even go as far to say they over-protected me. The choices that they gave me even into my teens were basically, “do it my way or face severe consequences.” I fully support that a minor child should obey their parents, but I also think that children should be taught *how *to make decisions beyond “because Mom and Dad say so.” I was never allowed to challenge my parents growing up. Whenever I tried to explain that I had a point of view different from them, they would immediately shoot me down, tell me how wrong I was and then ground me from doing anything. Example: in high school I was in a team sport that had an 11 month season, going to high school half time while going full time to the local community college. I was expected to get straight A’s in all my classes–anything less and I would lose the privileges of driving and having any sort of social life with my friends. I took an economics class that was extremely difficult for me. When I came home with a C on an exam, my parents were furious. I explained that I was feeling overworked and that I thought that I should back off on something–not take as many courses at the college next quarter or stop doing the sport after the season ended. They told me “no way.” I was keeping the same school workload next quarter, I had to go out for sports again next season, and the all A’s rule still stood. And then my mom told me that I was just being lazy and looking for excuses to get out of going to school. If I still decided that I disagreed with their decision, I could turn in my car keys and come straight home after school and not do anything with my friends on the weekends.
When I got into college, I had no idea how to make my own decisions. I always had to ask someone for permission to do anything, because that was what I was used to. I had no idea how to make my own choices. So I’d ask “permission” from friends, boyfriends, etc. It’s probably no surprise that I ended up pregnant at 19. Fortunately for me, it was with a decent guy. We got married, and he’s grown into a wonderful, supportive husband. He has been trying to empower me to make my own decisions and take charge of my own life rather than always asking him if it’s okay for me to do something.
My mom hates him. She says that she loves him, that he’s a good dad, etc., but her actions speak otherwise. She takes any opportunity to point out his faults, she’s always disrespecting him. It’s been going on since we’ve been married, and I feel awful for not standing up to my mother about it. Mom is always challenging our parenting decisions. When DH is talking to my 3 year old and disciplining her over some behavior, my mom will walk right in the middle, put herself between DH and my daughter and then let my daughter do whatever she was doing, while blaming DH for “not handling it right.”
Last night I challenged her about the whole situation. I explained to her that by doing that, she’s teaching the kids that it’s okay to throw the rules out the window when they feel like it. She threw it back in my face. She basically told me that it’s all DH’s and my fault because we’re inconsistent with the kids all the time. To be honest, consistency is something that DH and I are trying to get better at–we’re not good about it at all and we know it. But I told her that it’s not an excuse for her to ignore our rules. She started being very rude to me, and so I told her point-blank that she was being rude and to stop talking to me that way. She rolled her eyes and said very sarcastically, “oh, please. Just talk. You’re the one getting all upset over it, look how calm I’m remaining.” She always finds a way to use my own words against me, and sometimes I believe that she’s actually got a valid point.
So how to I handle the situation with regards to my kids? I mean, does she have a point that since I’m inconsistent she’s not confusing the kids any more than I am? Or does it even matter since she’s not their parent? Part of me feels like I should be able to just tell her, “too bad, you’re not their mother so you don’t have a say.” But the other part of me feels like that would be too harsh a statement to make.
If something was unclear, let me know and I’ll try to give more information.
