Issues

[joandarc2008]

A year or so ago my dh got abusive was leaving me - I fought for him, started counseling, an things were working out. Well, then my health took a turn for the worse. Now he is saying I am not productive and showing no compassion even though I am filing for disability and he now is telling me he wants to leave two days after my grandfather died. I have steeled myself for it and decided I will miss my stepdaughter and the dog even though I still love him. Besides that in my case I have decided the best moral action for me is inaction. I will not file for divorce. If he files I will be keeping every asset I can. If he files for anullment - I will write response to a) protect the validity of the marriage and b) to make a case that if the marriage is found to be invalid he not be allowed to enter into another Sacramental Union without permission of the local vicar. No one else deserves to be a victim of this man and only my action will allow them to be. BTW> Ther is a still a part of me that hopes he wil truly enter idividual counseling and gethelp. If he does this with God’s help it can be all avoided but it as all God’s plan

 

[dulcissima]

I don’t recall. Before you tried to work things out, had you read the thread on narcissists?

They are totally lacking in empathy.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and document as much as you can. Make sure you talk to your priest and probably a lawyer also at this point.

 

[joandarc2008]

As much as I hate to say this we have a very “Cafeteria” Catholic priest at my parish- and yes we only have one - so trust what he says with a grain of salt. It is a very sad statement at our parish as we have all kinds of things going on that shouldn’t be but they are being dealt with.

I am dealing with this situation through my SFO fraternity where I have started formation. They are wonderful. I have a very faithful peer group. And God will take care of this.

I did talk to my husband tonight - he is willing to start his own therapy. We shall see. I do love him. I am not starting couples counseling until I feel he has made a good amount of progress and I told him his DOCTOR needs to be male. I am sick of him manipulating the ladies.

I don’t ahve the patron Saint I do for nothing. I leave tomorrow for my grandfather’s funeral - I think he was suprised that I had the nerve to go without him.

 

[dulcissima]

“I don’t have the patron Saint I do for nothing.”

Being a martyr is something that you should not take lightly. Be a martyr for God and for your faith. Do not be a martyr for a lie, for a sham. A valid marriage is something that is made between two people. The good intentions of one person can not create a marriage.

 

[Ailina]

A year or so ago** my dh got abusive** was leaving me - I fought for him, started counseling, an things were working out. Well, then my health took a turn for the worse. Now he is saying I am not productive and showing no compassion even though I am filing for disability and** he now is telling me he wants to leave **two days after my grandfather died. I have steeled myself for it and decided I will miss my stepdaughter and the dog even though I still love him. Besides that in my case I have decided the best moral action for me is inaction. I will not file for divorce. If he files I will be keeping every asset I can. If he files for anullment - I will write response to a) protect the validity of the marriage and b) to make a case that if the marriage is found to be invalid he not be allowed to enter into another Sacramental Union without permission of the local vicar. No one else deserves to be a victim of this man and only my action will allow them to be. BTW> Ther is a still a part of me that hopes he wil truly enter idividual counseling and gethelp. If he does this with God’s help it can be all avoided but it as all God’s plan

I’m sorry you are going through this again. It takes two to make a marriage work, not just one. You cannot make it successful by yourself; your spouse too has to do his part in this union or it will never be successful. Even God would expect him to do his part; that’s where free will can wreak havoc on relationships.

Please make sure you are taking care of yourself and not taking on undue stress that can only add to ill health. Sometimes when our marriages are sick, we too become physically sick; that has been my personal experience. It was only after my ex left that I recovered my health back. I too did not file for divorce, but I did set reasonable boundaries of behavior which he would not agree to.

 

[SarahR]

I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather, and the pain you are going through in your marriage.

One advice though, is regarding
“I have decided the best moral action for me is inaction. I will not file for divorce. If he files I will be keeping every asset I can.”

If he files for divorce, depending on your location, if you don’t legally Respond to his Petition in a timely manner (my area allows for 30 days), the divorce may go into default, which might mean he gets everything he asked for in his Petition, or you lose the right to later retain an atty or represent yourself fully. I’m not familiar with your specifics but hopefully you will be educated on your legal rights/responsibilities should he file.

Again, I’m sorry, and praying for you, God bless.

 

[gretahope]

“I don’t have the patron Saint I do for nothing.”

Being a martyr is something that you should not take lightly. Be a martyr for God and for your faith. Do not be a martyr for a lie, for a sham. A valid marriage is something that is made between two people. The good intentions of one person can not create a marriage.

This is very sound wisdom. Yes, a martyr for something greater than ourselves is one thing…but for someone who is abusive means probably idolatry. I’m speaking to myself here, and learning that so much of my life is wrapped around enmeshed, codependence because of my upbringing that I’m rethinking a lot of things.

I pray God gives you strength, hope, and wisdom in your journey.

 

[joandarc2008]

Well, I did see him the night before I left for New England and he did admit he has an issue and is willing to go to his own counseling. I told him that was fine and he could stay in the other room until he did that.

 

[joandarc2008]

Just as an update - I did get a rather hateful email from him last night telling me that I was not trying hard enough to get better and that if I was not going to try harder then I needed to just stay with my parents. I have called my doctors and been very frank they are going to leave a note for my doctor so they can work on some transportation issues for me so that he will have less control and let my doctor know that he needs to have my medical issues re-explained in terms he can understand. The therapist that works with the doctor told me Shame on him. She is right and I will not walk away from marriage easily but I know much of this will be about setting boundaries with him and opening up to people like my doctor about what is really going on instead of putting on the happy,sunshine face.