It hurts to sit on a fence

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Irishgal49

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Happy Easter all,

I have been a fence sitter for a long time. I guess I should clarify that. I am saying that I’m not really in or out of the church at this point and I’m pretty miserable. I try to go every year to the Saturday vigil to see if watching people convert and coming into the church can inspire me to get off the fence but it doesn’t seem to be working. To be fair, I do have a mental illness and I struggle with it quite a bit–in fact, I have three of them and I have a really good friend who is a priest. I hate to admit it but if he wasn’t a friend and I wasn’t afraid of hurting his feelings I probably would’ve left along time ago.

I think that I really rushed into converting to Catholicism in 2000 and part of the problem was I didn’t really have a good RCIA class because I had no idea what the church really believed. I don’t agree with most of it and so I guess that’s just kind of left me wishing I could leave. My priest/friend keeps saying he will never give up on me and that just makes me cry a lot because I feel like he’s put so much time into trying to help me and I just don’t feel like anything is working. He thinks my mental illness has a lot of influence on my feelings. I’m on decent medication but I grew up in a really abusive home and I have a lot of issues of feeling wanted or feeling like I belong.

I really just wish I would’ve taken a little bit more time and take it a lot slower. I feel like I was kind of rushed. Also the sponsor that I had I had to leave me about halfway through the RCIA. I sure couldn’t blame her for leaving as her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he ended up dying just a couple months later. So I felt kind of bad that was happening and I was just too embarrassed to talk about my feelings. I really needed somebody to talk to about joining and needed to talk about waiting and have someone give me some guidance.

Anyway, after all that going on with my saddle on the fence, I really just want to ask everybody to pray for all of those who came into the church last night and hopefully they’re clear and strong about the decision they made. I also pray this decision will be one that they won’t regret but will embrace.

It’s really hard for me and I’m just not sure what to do at this point but it is really beautiful to see that there are people who are genuinely happy and I wish them all of the best.
 
First thing is the fact that it doesnt really matter what you agree with or dont agree with. It is a matter of our love for Jesus Christ. If you dont love Jesus Christ and you dont mind far greater misery in the hear after, then move on but if you feel a drawing toward God and desire the gifts he can give you, you need to put some real effort into developing a relationship with God. As with any relationship, it takes effort, daily meditation, study, and prayer are almost a requirement for me.

A reverent Mass and the eucharist are also required. Personally I attend a sung Latin Mass which was the core of my success of getting from where you are, to where I am now.

I will pr ay for you.
 
You may give up on the Church (we are, after all, an amazing collection of imperfect people), but God will never give up on you. Mental illness is an incredibly difficult cross to bear. Being in the Church is a lot like falling in love. There are good days, and there are angry days. If there are things you simply don’t believe in, or have doubts about, or wish you had learned better, there are resources to help you. In the end, it’s a walk we all take, sooner or later. There are no simple answers, because faith takes an act of will to bring belief to fruition. You renewed your baptismal promises last night. Hang onto them. I wish you the best, and hope you are able to fall in love again.
 
Why not attend RCIA again? It can be for Catholics who have received the sacraments who want more understanding about their faith.
 
Irishgal,

Ask your priest if you can sit in on the RCIA classes again when they start. Perhaps you really were not properly taught because you lost your sponsor halfway through.

But ask yourself this: would your life be better “without being Catholic?” What do you think would be different? It’s hard to believe that you don’t believe most of what the church teaches. Would you really be able to give up believing in the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist? (I don’t mean for you to answer those questions here, I just put them out there for you to think about.)
 
How about trying to do the best you can given your circumstances? Instead of trying to accept everything and believe everything, just ask God to guide you, and leave it up to Him to convert you. Go to Mass when you feel up to it and go to Mass where you feel most comfortable.

I will be praying for you.
 
I sense some anxiety and if so “we Catholics” have not done something right. Please know that anything negative you are experiencing as a result from other catholics is not from God as only comfort to all can come from Him.

Peace, comfort, and understanding and be with you my friend!!!
 
Mediocre rcia kept me and my husband out of the church. He converted to the faith after years of self study. He eventually converted to Eastern Catholicism.

Converts are kind of on a spiritual high after Easter but the bubble quickly bursts when the church goes on hiatus for the summer. It is sad they are left with no Bible study, no more classes no guidance ‘until the fall’. We were SO anxious to be received, only to have nothing to grab on to, no ministry, etc. They all shut down for the summer.

So we joined ministries outside of our parish. There are many, many Catholic Apostolates that can mentor, educate, the faithful. So just do not rely on your one parish.
 
Thank you so much for all of your replies I wanted to reply to each and everyone but I thought maybe be better just to put it in one post.

St Donatus: I have absolutely zero prayer life and I do not do much of anything in the way of spiritual practice. So I guess you’ve got me there and if you want to relationship with someone I guess you need to talk to them. Thank you for that and I have started reading the Psalms after a Tenebrae service last friday that really touched me. I guess I need to start praying again and seeing how that helps I appreciate your comment on that.

Venite: Falling in love again would be wonderful I will certainly let you know.

Irishmom and Macstar: I love the idea of RCIA again. I am at a totally different parish where my good friend is the pastor and I have made friends with the adult education director. We went toe to toe on a few things cause I’m a stubborn mule but she is a really nice person and I’m sure that I could get in on the next class. Thank you for that suggestion I will do that.

Msshebear: Doing the best I can… What a concept. I hammer myself so hard my priest friend says that he doesn’t even hardly give me penances because I beat the **** out of myself so bad. It’s part of my OCD. I do really like the idea of just kind of chilling back a little bit and not being so hard on myself. I’m just one of those people who doesn’t even want to give up anything for Lent because I know I won’t do it perfectly. Thanks for that comment I needed that thought.

Adf417: I will accept the gift of peace.

Casilda: We have a beautiful Byzantine Catholic Church that is about 20 minutes from me. I have visited there before because I have this passionate love of icons. It is such a beautiful place. I think I could see why somebody would want to look at all those beautiful icons every Sunday.

Thanks for your prayers Clearwater. You’ve given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate all of the honesty and really good feedback. Thank you.
 
Wow, I related so much to you while reading this. I’ve had a near (but not quite) identical experience as you since joining the Church. I pray you find your way–all in God’s timing. Rejoice in the fact you have your priest friend to rely on in this time, that is truly a blessing I assure you. I will remember you in my prayers, especially as I pray the Divine Mercy novena for the next week. God bless and happy Easter!
 
Praying for you. I know how tough it can be to have OCD along with anxiety and depression.
You could return to RCIA again and study at your own pace with no obligations. You could also teach yourself. I highly recommend the YouCat, The Baltimore Catechism, or the free Catholic Correspondence course published by the Knights of Columbus. This website has a lot of information on Catholicism, too.

Welcome. If you volunteer at church, you will meet and make lots of friends.
 
Irishgal,
I joined the church because I married a Catholic and he wanted to go to his church, and I figured why not, it;'s the same God?
I took out some books on Catholicism from the library and one was by a priest who I later learned was extremely liberal, but he says “you can believe anything and still be a Catholic.”
So okay, I joined the church.

That was 20 years ago. As time went on I struggled at times with the teachings, but they all came to make sense, with the help of a Bible study and Catholic Answers.
I highly recommend attending another RCIA, and relying on God to help you draw closer to Him. I’m very happy you’ve begun praying.

You might enjoy praying the Rosary. I find it very calming.
God bless.

.
 
I can associate so much with the OP. It really is incredibly difficult when you don’t believe half of what the church teaches.
 
I’m curious why you don’t believe half of what the Church teaches. It seems to me you should either believe all or none. The Church was either founded by God incarnate or it wasn’t. If it was then I’d think it makes sense to believe all that she teaches. Personally I find that what the Church teaches makes sense and when people follow her teachings their lives truly are better and more peaceful.

You also need to be careful in paying attention to feelings. This can be especially true given the circumstances of your life. I myself had a very difficult childhood due to my parents divorce. As a result I too often feel unwanted and unlovable by both my fellow man and even God. But this is just a feeling. Not that it isn’t very powerful. It comes from damage that can be repaired, though not easily. Life is a struggle and a journey. Some people have it tougher than others. But I truly believe that by God’s grace all evils work for good.

As someone else mentioned prayer is essential. I can be very negligent in my prayer. But when I’m praying as I should I draw closer to God and the Church. When I don’t pray as it should I start to drift. Again, this is hard work but goodness is always hard work.

My prayers are with you and all who joined the Church.
 
Thanks for your response. The church was clearly founded by Christ. Of course in two thousand years there is plenty of potential for new ideas to be introduced that are not necessarily what Christ intended. I’m finding certain ideas increasingly hard to accept in light of recent events, top of the list being papal infallibility. Which then leads me to a simple conclusion: if a matter of faith can not be proved by scripture, its at best doubtful. So why half? Half (or there about) can be proved by scripture in my view and half can not. So I guess I believe about half of what the church teaches.
 
peter26 said:
Thanks for your response. The church was clearly founded by Christ. Of course in two thousand years there is plenty of potential for new ideas to be introduced that are not necessarily what Christ intended. I’m finding certain ideas increasingly hard to accept in light of recent events, top of the list being papal infallibility. Which then leads me to a simple conclusion: if a matter of faith can not be proved by scripture, its at best doubtful. So why half? Half (or there about) can be proved by scripture in my view and half can not. So I guess I believe about half of what the church teaches.
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Which half is scripture itself in? The Church teaches us what scripture is so im not sure how this paradigm works my friend. 🤷

Peace!!!
 
One could make a very strong argument that the canon of scripture is simply that which has been accepted as scripture at all times in all places by all the faithful.
 
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