It's a sin to give in to despair but I keep finding myself in despair

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sorrowful1

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No, it’s not just because of employment problems ( at least, I can seek financial help from my parents) , but because, I feel kind of “isolated” (not lonely) from everyone. My vision/concepts all seems to be totally different from almost all I know of, save a friend or two. It bewilders me as well as saddens me, like “God, why do I have to be or why am I so different?” Because of my absolutely contradictory opinions and beliefs on God and many other things, sometimes I wonder if I will just die alone without anyone by my side.

I do try to discuss our differences but mostly, those people aren’t willing to. When I take refuge to God and do prayers, I find peace but even that doesn’t seem to work, at times.

I despair.

I pray, please suggest me how do I get rid of this utterly sinful thing?
 
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My heart goes out to you. It seems this has been a long struggle for you 😦 Have you ever sought Spiritual Direction?
 
As someone on the autism spectrum, I can relate. I’ve always felt “different”, but you know what? That’s not such a bad thing. Do you have any outlets? I like to write and make music that has been described as “alien music” by multiple people. Prayers.
 
What makes you happy?

Not who or doing things with others, what makes you happy? What do you do by yourself which brings you joy?

Try to find things that you enjoy, that in turn will give you the opportunity to find others who enjoy similar things and set you on a path where you are not concerned about what others feel about you.

Hope you are able to conquer this dispair.
 
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Struggles do not bother me. Being so different to the point of being isolated does. So far, I haven’t seen a spiritual director because I’m 98% sure, he/she will be appalled by what I pour unto them.
 
Used to spend hours doing art out of my imagination as a way of expressing my thoughts. Kept a diary to vent out my frustrations. Now, I don’t even have the heart to do it.
 
That’s a great piece of advice , thank you.

There are many things , but I guess I’ve been bothered too much about “how to make others happy”. Benevolence or stupidity, I can’t name it.
 
Yep, I know what you’re talking about as I’ve had to deal with similar circumstances all my life. It doesn’t help I’m turning 40 next month either (Life begins at 40? Yeah, right…) or that I’ve had to struggle with depression and anxiety all my life. Makes me wonder why I bother with God anymore…sorry I couldn’t be of more help…
 
Feeling different than our parents, family, community is a part of the human development. EVERYONE goes through this. Sadly, most people don’t talk to their kids about it, don’t warn the kids this feeling is coming, so it is an endless cycle of feeling alien.

This can hurt us into despair, into isolation, into a form of pride.

The beauty is we are all unique and we all share similarities. Often artificial constructs keep us from discovering the similarities in others. That is an OLD person, there is no way they understand or share my fascination in XYZ thing. That is a very holy person, there is on way they have the sorts of doubts I have. That person is 10 years younger than me, that is my dull boring mom.

What is one thing that you enjoy? You spoke of art, are you studying art? Are you in a local artist’s group? Online artists’ group? Have you had a show?

Heck, I am a boring church secretary. I doubt people would think I am a big fan of hard science fiction and horror novels, that I can read books about obscure scientific things for hours, that I have tattoos and a purple mohawk, that I am a cutting edge cosmetics freak and I love metal and punk as well as tonal modern music and disco.

You might be surprised what you have in common with people who are right in your orbit, and if not, the internet and forums bring like minded people into discussions.
 
No, please. It helps me a lot, in fact, to see such people around here. I’m thankful to the internet because i can pour out my feelings without having to actually “see” people frown at me – that leaves me wondering what’d have happened to me if I were born in the 20s (although, I’ve a great fascination to the bygone era).
 
Wow!!! When you said metal and punk, and that you can spend hours reading obscure scientific stuffs, it skipped my heartbeat !!!

I dig deep down into medieval history and get lost in them. I do art , it makes me happy but going into the abyss of history, digging up weird science, reading fictions related to world wars and ancient/medieval crusades etc. these are something else; and then, I try to talk about them to an acquaintance " I was wondering what it’d be like if the sun suddenly crashed into our planet (or if dinosaurs were still freely roaming around us today) and it’s actually in the you tube!! Some science fanatics cooked up a hypothesis of “what if” and I find it interesting". I tell them these. Mostly the reaction is " You weirdo. Why do you waste your time searching for things that is impossible to happen!!"

That’s just an example.

You’re so very right. We’re never taught or prepared to face situations like ours. Anyway, thank you, it makes me happy to see that I’m not the only one who feels that way.
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sorrowful1 said:
I pray, please suggest me how do I get rid of this utterly sinful thing?
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It sounds like you may suffer from depression. Depression is not a sin.
sorrowful1 said:
So far, I haven’t seen a spiritual director because I’m 98% sure, he/she will be appalled by what I pour unto them.
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A professional spiritual director or mental health therapist is non-judgmental and - believe me - impossible to shock.
 
I think maybe you are thinking that Christian hope is the same as optimism or enthusiasm… it’s not. It’s the trust that God will make good on His promises to help us attain to Him in Heaven. So “despair,” the serious sin, relates to rejecting that…

I agree you should see a priest for an extended chat, make regular confession to, etc. once in a while… and no, you are unlikely to say anything too shocking.
 
@TheLittleLady Think I got hooked just with the introductory plot!!! I had to force myself to stop halfway because I want to save the thrill for the actual book. Thanks a gazillion. I defo will get the book after I finish the current one (a Tudor history based fiction. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with them!! Well, been a while).

These days, If I watch YouTube , it’s all about dogs. It keeps me cheerful and optimistic (Vlog After College – features a corgi and his human dad). Otherwise, you know I’m a mad thing who looks up for weirdest stuffs).

Alright, I googled about it (Ask a mortician). I think I might find it a li’l bit sensitive? It said talking about death. Well, I’m that mad thing who used to watch “How people were killed (capital punishment) in the medieval times”. I cringed with fear at human insanity of those times, yet couldn’t stop watching out of curiosity as well as interest. And now, I’m saying " Ask a mortician" might be a sensitive stuff for me . Hypocrisy much.
 
@kapp19 @blackforest I’ve never seen a spiritual director at the Church or a mental health professional. Now, I think I must really do so.

But I wonder what a psychologist will have to say for my " being so different from others that it has led me to depression". Go find out who will match your passion? I’m an introvert. I couldn’t afford that. Sometimes, I hate myself for being this difficult.
 
You must see someone.
Take a step. Take one step towards someone. Everyday take one step towards someone. We need each other, and no human being can survive without help from others.

Some have talents as doctors and priests, others like you are artistic and have deep sensitivities. It’s all good, and it’s good to share our gifts with others. You can learn from a physician or a pastor. They are called healers for good reason. Healing is their gift to share with you.

I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety all of my life; it runs in the family. Seeing my family doctor was a huge relief. Seeing a counselor was a huge relief. Taking communion to the hospital helped lift the fog.
Reach out. It can be humbling to admit we need others, but we all do.
 
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If you are a reader, let me suggest Romano Guardini’s “Learning the Virtues that Lead You to God”.
It’s written by a man who suffered from these things in his own life and came to acceptance and courage. It is one of my favorite go-to books in times of trouble.
 
Yes you really should. Ask your parish priest for a referral to a good Catholic psychologist - if you are in the USA at least, that should not be too difficult.

-K
 
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