It's a strange case. What should I do?

[ela2]

Hello,

My mother-in-law has varying personalities. When she is communicating on the phone, she is nice and loving. however, whenever we (my husband and I) meet her, she is very angry, negative, rude (verbal abuse), manipulating and controlling.

My husband and his siblings find this behaviour normal, saying ‘this is how she is’, but I feel I am just pretending and lying when I reply ‘i love you too’ to her consistent loving sms. I do not want play this weird game. My husband urges me not to be rude and reply to her ‘loving’ sms. When I do, I feel like a hypocrite.

thank you for reading.

ps: she is also a communion minister in her church and prays and attends mass daily.

 

[Joe_5859]

I am sorry for your struggles. Family can be tough to deal with.

I would not encourage you to enable her manipulation, but I would just say that you can love someone even if you do not like them very much. To love someone simply means we desire for their good. It doesn’t mean we think they are perfect or that we are their number one fan.

 

[CarolNoel]

I am sorry for your struggles. Family can be tough to deal with.

I would not encourage you to enable her manipulation, but I would just say that you can love someone even if you do not like them very much. To love someone simply means we desire for their good. It doesn’t mean we think they are perfect or that we are their number one fan.

I loved my mother, but I did not like her! She is gone now, and I am glad I loved her, but can’t change the fact I still don’t like her

 

[Regina_Love]

Why not ask her over the phone some time? Be very kind in your tone of voice during the discussion. let her know that you’ll be visiting rarely when you are made to feel uncomfortable. It worked for me. My MIL did not realize her actions & the effects it had on us.

 

[kimkayc]

Pray for her.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I am sorry for your struggles. Family can be tough to deal with.

I would not encourage you to enable her manipulation, but I would just say that you can love someone even if you do not like them very much. To love someone simply means we desire for their good. It doesn’t mean we think they are perfect or that we are their number one fan.

^THIS.

Love is not an approval of everything someone does; it’s not a feeling of affection; it’s a choice. It doesn’t mean the same thing as, “I really like you,” or, “I’d love to spend more time with you.”

You can love her by praying for her, especially for her to have a good relationship with God. You can love her by forgiving her even if she doesn’t deserve it. You can love her by hoping and praying that she does not alienate her family (including you) with her negative behavior. You can even love her from afar, desiring for her to have a good life and to eventually get to Heaven.

If you choose to do any or all of those things or something similar, you can most likely honestly say “I love you” to her and mean it.

 

[MJJean]

^THIS.

Love is not an approval of everything someone does; it’s not a feeling of affection; it’s a choice. It doesn’t mean the same thing as, “I really like you,” or, “I’d love to spend more time with you.”

You can love her by praying for her, especially for her to have a good relationship with God. You can love her by forgiving her even if she doesn’t deserve it. You can love her by hoping and praying that she does not alienate her family (including you) with her negative behavior. You can even love her from afar, desiring for her to have a good life and to eventually get to Heaven.

If you choose to do any or all of those things or something similar, you can most likely honestly say “I love you” to her and mean it.

^^ This.

And you can love her by reminding yourself that she gave birth to your beloved spouse, raised him, and helped make him into the man he is today.

 

[ela2]

Thank you very much for your replies. Yes, I will pray more for her and try to love her even though it is so difficult to be around her. I must myself grow more in love, I know, and I am working on it.

However, I cannot yet love her by reminding myself that she gave birth to my beloved spouse, raised him, and helped make him into the man he is today as one person suggests, because yes she did gave birth to him but did not really raise him and did not really help him into the man he is today. He was emotionally abused by her when he was small (she also tried to commit suicide in front of him when he was 6 years old), etc. and so accordingly he turned into a defensive, manipulating, alcoholic, etc. It was tough living with him!

It was only through our devotion to Our Lord and His Beloved Mother and a couple of priests (and to be not so modest, my constant pleas to the Lord) that he became the man he is today - the man God intended for him to be.

Thank you again and keep my MIL in your prayers.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

It was only through our devotion to Our Lord and His Beloved Mother and a couple of priests (and to be not so modest, my constant pleas to the Lord) that he became the man he is today - the man God intended for him to be.

He is a lucky man, to have been surrounded by people who cared about him and who helped him.

Maybe you could minimise the amount of contact you have with her if it bothers you. Always be kind and respectful, but perhaps a bit of a distance would be healthy.

 

[MJJean]

If she tried to commit suicide I would think she has a serious mental illness. In that case, maybe try loving her by feeling compassion for her illness?

 

[ela2]

I think so too, that she has some mental illness, this is what helped me pray for her as before I couldn’t bring myself to pray for her. (She had caused too much hurt during our wedding). It has been one month since I spoke to her on the phone, either I am busy or pretending to be busy, trying to keep distance. She is already sensing this and doesn’t like it much. I know when we speak she will ask ‘don’t you love me? don’t you want to speak with me?’ these are not normal / healthy questions, according to me and she asks them all the time but in different tones depending on the time elapsed.

I am wondering whether the suggestion of Regina Love will work in such a case, where there are many symptoms of a mental illness.

 

[Xantippe]

“I know when we speak she will ask ‘don’t you love me? don’t you want to speak with me?’ these are not normal / healthy questions, according to me and she asks them all the time but in different tones depending on the time elapsed.”

Yeah, you’re right about that. None of this is normal.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I know when we speak she will ask ‘don’t you love me? don’t you want to speak with me?’ these are not normal / healthy questions, according to me and she asks them all the time but in different tones depending on the time elapsed.

Yes, this sounds quite strange. Even if she was your mother it would still be clingy and strange, let alone a MIL. I guess you can always say that you do care about her and not be sucked into further explanations if possible.

 

[MJJean]

I think so too, that she has some mental illness, this is what helped me pray for her as before I couldn’t bring myself to pray for her. (She had caused too much hurt during our wedding). It has been one month since I spoke to her on the phone, either I am busy or pretending to be busy, trying to keep distance. She is already sensing this and doesn’t like it much. I know when we speak she will ask ‘don’t you love me? don’t you want to speak with me?’ these are not normal / healthy questions, according to me and she asks them all the time but in different tones depending on the time elapsed.

I am wondering whether the suggestion of Regina Love will work in such a case, where there are many symptoms of a mental illness.

Those questions seem like another symptom of her mental illness.Regina’s suggestion might work for someone logically thinking and self aware. “I behave badly and it makes people I care about not want to spend time with me. I best change my behavior!”. Might not work so well with someone who is not capable of that kind of thinking.

All I got now is pray for her, treat her in a distantly kind and polite way, and just keep swimming as the fish from Finding Nemo would say.

 

[holyrood]

I’m glad you posted. My own mother acts the same way. With my sisters, she’s happy and cheerful and actually slams back alcohol, laughing and cracking jokes. I never once saw her touch alcohol up until I moved back and saw that, and when I spend time with her, she’s bitter and angry and finding fault with everyone she knows, including me. I have long since concluded she’s at least borderline mentally ill, and the stories she tells of her childhood make me think she has been bitter, jealous, and seen herself as a victim since the day she was born.

I’ll be reading and re-reading the responses, although at this point, I have simply distanced myself.

 

[ela2]

Thank you very much Monicard for you kind and wise counsel. You are absolutely right. Yes, my experience has been very similar to yours. I have been analyzing every visit. Not to justify, but the difficulty was that there were barely any fun moments and the hurtful ones so many in our 2 year old marriage.

Things are the same as before but I am now being more distantly kind and polite and am working on not being easily affected by comments. I see it as a further step in spiritual growth and it is a great challenge as I am very sensitive. To this I will add the change in focus.

Thank you for sharing your own story. I read your story every morning and it has been of enormous help. God bless you and your family and thank you for your prayers, it helps a lot.