It's been a rough week for this RCIA catechumen

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ForeverJoy

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This past Sunday I discovered that I will NOT be joining the Church during Easter Vigil like I thought. For some reason I’ve been under the impression that even though my annulment still needs to be processed, that I would be able to be baptized and confirmed, although not able to take part in the Eucharist. I was devastated when I realized that would not be participating at all. I pretty much spent the rest of the day Sunday depressed and upset. I’ve had to do a bit of damage control because my 10yr old also became upset when he found out that I wouldn’t be getting baptized and joining the Church with him on Easter.

Does this mean that if I am not granted an annulment I will never be able to join the Catholic church alongside my husband and son? I’m very worried about it, because my first marriage was over 25 years ago, and I had a terrible time finding even two witnesses, and no clue where my Ex may be now. 🤷

I have to admit, while I appreciate and understand the RCIA process and the efforts the Church goes through to educate people interested in converting… it feels like trying to climb Mt. Everest. I can understand not partaking in the Eucharist until (hopefully) the annulment is granted, but not being allowed to join the Church at all? It feels like I have been personally rejected as “not good enough” even though I know in my head that’s not the intention. I am still terribly heartsick over it.

On top of that, my mom hasn’t talked to me the past two months, ever since I told her I was becoming Catholic. I spoke to her tonight on the phone, and she told me again how disappointed she is, and even more so that I’m allowing my son to become Catholic. She also went on to say that I should have told her earlier that I was attending the RCIA classes so she could have talked to me about it, and that if I really want to know the truth I should Google the Catholic Church to see the REAL information, to counter the “indoctrination” I received during RCIA. Finally, she told me that she was very sad that we would never be able to go to services again together as a family, because she would never darken the door of a Catholic Church, but that we were always welcome to take communion with her at her church where ALL Christians are welcomed to the table.

I wonder if the Church really understands the tears and anguish a convert feels trying to determine if joining the Church is really God’s will, and the sadness and hurt we feel knowing we may lose many of our Protestant friends and family simply because they do not understand. Having an annulment being a roadblock to joining the Church is salt in the wounds. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. :bighanky:
 
I am very sorry to hear of your distressing news. As a cradle Catholic, I can’t begin to understand all of the hurdles you’ve overcome. I just don’t get why friends and family would shun you for converting to Catholicism. But, I believe the Holy Spirit drew you to the Catholic Church. And I believe he will get you through this very difficult time.

And, as a mother, I’m sure your mom and you will find your way back to each other. She has probably heard many of the falsehoods about Catholicism. All of your new found knowledge may help her to see you are following the Truth. Just remember, the Eucharist will be waiting for you when all of the details are taken care of.

Also, you can make this a big celebration for your son. You have brought him to our Lord. That is what many parents pray for.

Saying a prayer for you.
 
Well, they could let you come into the Church, but you’d have to live as brother and sister with your husband until your annulment came in. That’s a heckuva burden, when there’s no definite deadline. So I can see where your parish wouldn’t want to get into that territory, unless you were at the brink of death. They don’t want to put you and your husband in a sad situation.

On the other hand, when your annulment comes in, you could be brought into the Church immediately, at any time of year. You’ve already done all the RCIA bells and whistles, so Father could take care of you at any point. Heck, if it were to come in tomorrow, you could still do it. (But yeah, it probably won’t, and the tribunal probably doesn’t work during Holy Week.)

Even if things were the very worst case, anybody can join the Church right before they die. Obviously we don’t want this to be your contingency plan! But there is no case at all in which you would never ever be able to join the Church. None!! So do not panic.

(Yeah, I admit I’m not great at being comforting, but I’m a great one for thinking things will never ever happen, myself. So the first thing is to stop thinking the “all or nothing” thoughts, because “never ever” is just our sad brains lying to us.)

Obviously this is sad, because obviously your heart is longing for this. But it is too soon to panic. Take a deep breath and pray. Pray a lot. Storm Heaven and let Christ know. But also offer up this pain and longing, and use it to grow closer to Christ.

Annoying stuff like this happens, all through life and even about important stuff like this, so you might as well use it for your spiritual benefit.

You might want to talk to your son about how you are being obedient even though it is sad, and that you trust that it will work out for the best. Sometimes obedient waiting brings special gifts along with it.

Or you might want to talk to him about how he is going to be like your trail guide, going ahead of you to Baptism, and that his prayers will be able to help you.

I will pray for you and your whole family. Don’t lose heart.
 
Being baptized is important. If you are having difficulty being baptized in the Roman Catholic Church, find another church to baptize you or have your husband do it.

Good luck on your journey.
 
The Church cannot change God’s law. Until your problem is resolved the only solution would possibly be that you and your current husband agree to live as brother and sister and that could be for an indefinite period of time. God’s plan is for all to be saved and that is what the Church is all about, our salvation. And that will not be possible if we won’t obey God’s commandments. This applies to Catholics as well. There is nothing magical about becoming Catholic. Catholics too have to obey God’s commandments. Catholics who disobey God’s commandments endanger their salvation.

And it isn’t really a question of your becoming a Catholic. Your current marital situation is not in accord to God’s law, and this applies to your husband as well. It would be well for you both to give this some serious thought.

Praying that you both reach the right decision.

Linus2nd
 
This happens nearly every year at out parish. Mostly due to the forms not being filled out enough in advance, and is exactly why Pope Francis wants to reform the tribunals.
NOT to allow divorced and remarried communion, but to make the annulment process smother and more efficient. I’m sure you’ve been told about the incredible backlog of cases, not enough people to handle the cases, and the incredible amount of time it takes to properly examine the documents once they are received in order to make a just judgment.
None of this will probably make you feel better though…waiting is always arduous, especially for something so important to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
This is another reason why I’m a big proponent of a 2 year RCIA program. That way it allows for much more discussion about the process, and not a hurry to cram in salvation history, the logistics of conversion, the catechism, the social issues, and personal counseling in these cases.
God bless you on the journey. You will get there…please do not despair.
Here’s a prayer for you:

***Lord God,

We mourn as we reflect on the pain and injustice in our world. Our hearts, families, communities, and societies bear the jagged marks of sin’s devastation. But we rejoice that You have established Your throne in justice and do not forsake those who seek You (Psalm 9:7, 10). You are at work, redeeming and restoring Your people. We remember, Lord, that this work is built on Your entry into our brokenness. You became the Suffering Servant, experiencing oppression and bearing the punishment for our transgressions (Isaiah 53:5-7). As we trust in the atoning work of Your perfect life, sacrificial death, and victorious resurrection, animate us to follow You into places and moments of brokenness. May we point others to Your power to remake our own hearts and the world around us.

Amen.
 
O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Oh goodness! Been where you are. My daughter joined when she was 9. I’ve been through RCIA three and a half times and started a couple of times in the '90s. It’s been a comedy of errors.

“It feels like I have been personally rejected as “not good enough” even though I know in my head that’s not the intention.”

I had that same feeling. It will pass. It’s the initial shock. My annulment took forever. The deacon kept joking about how I voted for Obama and how he didn’t want to “bend over backward to bring in another cafeteria Catholic” and gave me outdated forms, etc. One of my witnesses later decided, prayerfully, she didn’t want to help me join the Church; she is my oldest and one of my dearest friends.

I’ll admit, it’s hard sitting in RCIA, knowing you’re not coming in yet, and may not if the annulment, then the appeal, are not approved, but the person next to you, who’s coming in to appease future in-laws, and dislikes the Church, is going to waltz in… Keep praying.

“I wonder if the Church really understands the tears and anguish a convert.”

My sponsor is an amazing, smart, deacon’s wife. She said basically the same last weekend, that the cradle Catholics don’t get what we’re going through. I got told, in a very sharp voice from the other deacon, the one who messed up my paperwork so I cannot join at Easter with my cohorts, “So what? You’re coming in later? What’s the big deal?” It is a big deal. It’s not a date on a calendar. It’s been like being pregnant and knowing that due date or being engaged, having that date on countdown on my phone and computer. Going with my husband for a nice, gorgeous new dress, jewelry, and shoes (if you knew what a tomboy I am!).

Honey, I wish I could hug you in person, but I’m two states over. You’ll get there, and when you do, you won’t know what to do with yourself, you’ll be so over the moon. It’ll be that much greater and you’ll look back and think, “This, this is the right time. I wasn’t quite ready when I thought I was.”

But yeah, right now it hurts. Let’s admit it and own and don’t let anyone tell you not to grieve it. Then move past it and grow spiritually. Get involved in your parish. Keep a Mass journal. Tithe. 👍

I send you lots and lots of hugs and some rosary prayers, my friend. Hug your ten year-old for me and I’ll hug mine. :hug1:
 
pianistclare said:
This is another reason why I’m a big proponent of a 2 year RCIA program. That way it allows for much more discussion about the process, and not a hurry to cram in salvation history, the logistics of conversion, the catechism, the social issues, and personal counseling in these cases.
God bless you on the journey. You will get there…please do not despair.
Here’s a prayer for you:

***Lord God,

We mourn as we reflect on the pain and injustice in our world. Our hearts, families, communities, and societies bear the jagged marks of sin’s devastation. But we rejoice that You have established Your throne in justice and do not forsake those who seek You (Psalm 9:7, 10). You are at work, redeeming and restoring Your people. We remember, Lord, that this work is built on Your entry into our brokenness. You became the Suffering Servant, experiencing oppression and bearing the punishment for our transgressions (Isaiah 53:5-7). As we trust in the atoning work of Your perfect life, sacrificial death, and victorious resurrection, animate us to follow You into places and moments of brokenness. May we point others to Your power to remake our own hearts and the world around us.

Amen.
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I hadn’t hear about a possible 2-year program. I actually like that!

I think there needs to be personal counseling as well. No one in the core team knows me or my family. I don’t know what the rubric is for how much they should/need to know. The first year I was in RCIA I talked often, participated in class. This year I pretty much never open my mouth, for various reasons.

Thank you for the prayer! Whatever your role is in RCIA, it is appreciated. :hug1:
 
pianistclare said:
This happens nearly every year at out parish. Mostly due to the forms not being filled out enough in advance, and is exactly why Pope Francis wants to reform the tribunals.
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Used to happen too often at our parish too…and it drives me crazy!

Until the process is smoothed out, the best we could do to solve a person facing one of these unnecessary last minute disappointments is to conduct a very, very thorough interview before the inquiry process even begins. This includes a sit-down with one the pastor, or one of the associate pastors.

It leaves the catechumen with a couple options…1) to proceed with formation, with the understanding that all actions might not be complete by the vigil, but more importantly provide them with understanding that this in no means indicates they are “unwelcomed”, “unwanted” or less worthy than others…or 2) let the annulment process play out and wait to continue RCIA after that…of course the first is most favorable.

Peace and all good!
 
DakiniArtist said:
I hadn’t hear about a possible 2-year program. I actually like that!

I think there needs to be personal counseling as well. No one in the core team knows me or my family. I don’t know what the rubric is for how much they should/need to know. The first year I was in RCIA I talked often, participated in class. This year I pretty much never open my mouth, for various reasons.

Thank you for the prayer! Whatever your role is in RCIA, it is appreciated. :hug1:
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I’m the Director of Religious Education. 😉
It’s actually recommended that the process take 2 years.
That way the period of discernment doesn’t detract so much from classroom time. If you go on a school year based timeline, you end up with only about 6 months of prep (figuring discernment and holidays) and that just NOT enough time. For example: One could begin RCIA in September 2014, and live through one entire year including observing the 2015 vigil Mass as a catechumen, continue instruction, culminating with entrance in
Spring 2016. I agree with this model. But, many parishes favor the one year model. Although as I said, it hardly equates to a full year. 🤷
What they need to know is the story of Salvation history, and what the Church teaches on a host of topics that I won’t list here, but you know what they are. Everything from the Mass, Papal infallibility to Saints, to the Corporal and Spiritual works of mercy. And about a 100 other things. 😉
During the period of Mystagogia , (if people stay around, sometimes they bolt) we cover private devotions such as the Rosary, Divine Mercy. Novenas, retreat suggestions, etc. as well as what ministries might they be interested in or programs to attend in the parish to get involved and further their education. We stress that no one is ever through learning about the faith. Indeed, we are all works in progress, God bless you!
 
Linusthe2nd said:
The Church cannot change God’s law.

And it isn’t really a question of your becoming a Catholic. Your current marital situation is not in accord to God’s law, and this applies to your husband as well. It would be well for you both to give this some serious thought.

Praying that you both reach the right decision.

Linus2nd
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Linus, I know your heart is in the right place but I’m not sure you heard the sorrow in mine.

I am not implying, nor necessarily disagree with, the Church’s teaching about marriage. My sadness and heartbreak is because I believed erroneously that I was going to be able to provisionally join the Church, to partake in all the sacraments except Eucharist (just like a “regular Catholic” in my situation) until the annulment process was completed.

I know that my current marriage situation is not within the Catholic Church’s teaching about marriage. But please try and understand what it FEELS like to be rejected by family & friends when they find out that you are converting. And then ADDING to that pain, being told that something you did 25 yrs ago when you were just a kid (and never thinking you’d EVER become Catholic) is standing in the way of you joining God’s church. It’s a double whammy of hurt and heartbreak.

I’m not asking for the Church to change her teachings, I was just looking for a little bit of understanding about how difficult and painful this process can be, and how it can FEEL like we’re being rejected by everyone, including the Church.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
 
ForeverJoy said:
I believed erroneously that I was going to be able to provisionally join the Church, to partake in all the sacraments except Eucharist (just like a “regular Catholic” in my situation) until the annulment process was completed.
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I think where part of the hurt and confusion is coming in is that you are under the impression that a person who is baptized as a Catholic and in an irregular marriage can partake in any sacraments at all. They cannot do so as long as they persist in marital relations.

They could seek confession and resumption of the sacramental life if they resolved to remain continent indefinitely or separate from the person they married civilly.

The Church has had much experience with people entering the Church prior to a decree of nullity, only to have their marriage found valid. The Church has seen such people-- who are forever and permanently Catholic-- then up and leave the Church and continue to live in their irregular marriage situation instead of doing what they claimed they would do if the marriage was found valid, which is to abide by the Church’s decree.

The Church, in prudence, establishes the norm of waiting until the person is free to undertake the sacramental life before making any steps in that direction. Of course, in danger of death the Church will administer the sacraments.

ALSO, if your marriage is found to be VALID, it is very important that you be unbaptized at that point because if you are, then the Pauline or Petrine Privilege to *dissolve *the marriage could be used and then you could join the Church. These may not be open to you if things are not done in the proper order.

Trust the Church! She knows what she is doing.
ForeverJoy said:
And then ADDING to that pain, being told that something you did 25 yrs ago when you were just a kid (and never thinking you’d EVER become Catholic) is standing in the way of you joining God’s church.
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That isn’t actually what is preventing you from becoming Catholic. It is your current marriage.

Yes, I know that is difficult to hear. And I am sure that given time to work through the process of examining the marriage, either the marriage will be found null OR you will be able to petition for a dissolution of the bond via privilege of the faith. You will then be able to convalidate your current marriage and receive the sacraments.
ForeverJoy said:
I’m not asking for the Church to change her teachings, I was just looking for a little bit of understanding about how difficult and painful this process can be, and how it can FEEL like we’re being rejected by everyone, including the Church.
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Please don’t think that attempting to correct some of your misunderstandings on Church teaching equates to NOT understanding your feelings or that it is difficult to convert. Many of us here are converts. And most of us have worked in RCIA in various capacities too, so we have either been you or worked with those in your situation.

Trust in the Church, in her Wisdom, in her Truth.

Yes, I know it is difficult and I know it is frustrating. And your mother is not making it easier. Sigh. Here’s a virtual hug: :hug1:
 
pianistclare said:
I’m the Director of Religious Education. 😉
It’s actually recommended that the process take 2 years.
That way the period of discernment doesn’t detract so much from classroom time. If you go on a school year based timeline, you end up with only about 6 months of prep (figuring discernment and holidays) and that just NOT enough time. For example: One could begin RCIA in September 2014, and live through one entire year including observing the 2015 vigil Mass as a catechumen, continue instruction, culminating with entrance in
Spring 2016. I agree with this model. But, many parishes favor the one year model. Although as I said, it hardly equates to a full year. 🤷
What they need to know is the story of Salvation history, and what the Church teaches on a host of topics that I won’t list here, but you know what they are. Everything from the Mass, Papal infallibility to Saints, to the Corporal and Spiritual works of mercy. And about a 100 other things. 😉
During the period of Mystagogia , (if people stay around, sometimes they bolt) we cover private devotions such as the Rosary, Divine Mercy. Novenas, retreat suggestions, etc. as well as what ministries might they be interested in or programs to attend in the parish to get involved and further their education. We stress that no one is ever through learning about the faith. Indeed, we are all works in progress, God bless you!
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I second that Pianistclare I never went through rcia I had private instruction from a very orthodox priest who was around seventy and that instruction lasted for nearly two years. Let me say I learned things that I probably would not have learned otherwise I realized afer I sponsored someone in rcia years later what thorough instruction I had during those two years of one on one instruction from very good priest.
 
ForeverJoy said:
This past Sunday I discovered that I will NOT be joining the Church during Easter Vigil like I thought.
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:hug1: I know that feeling! The same thing happened to me in February and it was like a huge punch in the gut. In my case, I’ve never been married before but my husband has. Before he was a Christian. It was 27 years ago and they were married less than a year. At the time I found out, I was so frustrated I actually thought I never should have even mentioned his prior marriage! No one would have ever known.
DakiniArtist said:
But yeah, right now it hurts. Let’s admit it and own and don’t let anyone tell you not to grieve it. Then move past it and grow spiritually. Get involved in your parish. Keep a Mass journal. Tithe. 👍
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:blessyou: It took me a week to be able to breathe again, but now I can see the good in this. Unknown to me, my husband and oldest daughter are planning to start RCIA in the fall and join the church next year. (Obvious, the husband is dependent on his annulment. 😛 ), and my youngest daughter wants to wait until next year also. This is amazing to me because for YEARS my family kept me from joining… I didn’t want to join unless we all did. I finally let that go in the last year and put my trust in Christ. My son is still struggling, but I will never stop praying for him.

Now I am in the position of having to decide to join as soon as the annulment is final or wait for the rest of the family. What a great decision to have! And I have to add… Advent has taken on a WHOLE new meaning! Sometimes I feel like I’m in a perpetual Advent season. 😉
 
ForeverJoy said:
Linus, I know your heart is in the right place but I’m not sure you heard the sorrow in mine.

I am not implying, nor necessarily disagree with, the Church’s teaching about marriage. My sadness and heartbreak is because I believed erroneously that I was going to be able to provisionally join the Church, to partake in all the sacraments except Eucharist (just like a “regular Catholic” in my situation) until the annulment process was completed.

I know that my current marriage situation is not within the Catholic Church’s teaching about marriage. But please try and understand what it FEELS like to be rejected by family & friends when they find out that you are converting. And then ADDING to that pain, being told that something you did 25 yrs ago when you were just a kid (and never thinking you’d EVER become Catholic) is standing in the way of you joining God’s church. It’s a double whammy of hurt and heartbreak.

I’m not asking for the Church to change her teachings, I was just looking for a little bit of understanding about how difficult and painful this process can be, and how it can FEEL like we’re being rejected by everyone, including the Church.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
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I’m reminded of a talk I heard once from a priest that basically went like this: Jesus asked us to take up our crosses but He never said we have to carry them alone. Jesus ALWAYS walks with us and carries us as we carry our cross. How blessed are we to have such a wonderful God that He bears us and our burdens if we just follow Him. I know it is very heavy on your heart what you are going through but offer this heaviness up to Jesus on the Cross; submit to His Will and He will make your burden light. God bless you on your journey and may He continue to grant you patience and love to face your detractors. Remember, to suffer in His Name makes you holy as well. 🙂
 
ForeverJoy said:
Linus, I know your heart is in the right place but I’m not sure you heard the sorrow in mine.

I am not implying, nor necessarily disagree with, the Church’s teaching about marriage. My sadness and heartbreak is because I believed erroneously that I was going to be able to provisionally join the Church, to partake in all the sacraments except Eucharist (just like a “regular Catholic” in my situation) until the annulment process was completed.

I know that my current marriage situation is not within the Catholic Church’s teaching about marriage. But please try and understand what it FEELS like to be rejected by family & friends when they find out that you are converting. And then ADDING to that pain, being told that something you did 25 yrs ago when you were just a kid (and never thinking you’d EVER become Catholic) is standing in the way of you joining God’s church. It’s a double whammy of hurt and heartbreak.

I’m not asking for the Church to change her teachings, I was just looking for a little bit of understanding about how difficult and painful this process can be, and how it can FEEL like we’re being rejected by everyone, including the Church.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
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I understand perfectly well and I will be praying for you. I have given you a possible solution, it is up to you to make the decision. In the meantime you can still go to Church.

Linus2nd
 
OP: you’re in one of those tough spots where time will eventually heal the wounds. Given time, the documentation, etc., will work out, I presume, and also your mother—through your explicit actions and words (I hope) will come to recognize that any prejudices she may have are illusions.
 
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