It's getting ugly-my mom

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Here is a website that may be helpful for you: Senior care resources in your state.

Ideally you could find a case manager to help with your mother’s issues, ordering her medication, making doctor appointments, etc.
It should not all fall on you.

There should be no need for you to rage at her. Sounds like she has a mental illness and is no longer responsible for her behavior. It would be more appropriate for her to have someone who can be objective helping her out.
An assisted care facility sounds like it would be great. A case manager could help her with that. Obviously she will not be able to go on living independently forever.
God bless.
 
I am going to call and ask for a social worker Monday. I am worried about her. There is a part of me that feels bad because her blood sugar was high Thurs and she’s home alone -and God forbid something happens. I know she’s is terrified of being abandoned.

I’m in such a bad place right now, I’m afraid to call and check on her. This weekend every moment I have that I’m not busy all the awful memories of my childhood flood my brain. Things I thought I made peace with, and they would stay dormant if she wouldn’t repeat behaviors that trigger those memories. Its been pretty good up until very recently. The holidays often trigger my mom even though my sister has been gone for almost 30 years.

I hate the way I am right now, I feel so angry. This is not who I am. She brings out the worst in me. I was really mean to her Thursday, we fought all the way home in the car. So much ugliness. Nothing of what I said wasn’t true but it was still mean. Its so hard because she’s not right in the head, so you can’t make her understand what’s wrong with her behavior, but it still hurts like hell the things she says. I become that tormented, trapped teenager instead of a reasonable adult in her 40’s. 😦
 
Don’t hesitate to pour all of your personal concerns out to the social worker as well as your concerns about your mother. She will be happy to listen to you, and help you as well as your mother. You don’t need to carry this burden around any longer.
 
Well the straw just broke the camels back. I called my mom yesterday to check on her. She sounded really out of breath, it was a short conversation. I called her tonight because my dad had tried calling her and couldn’t reach her -he was concerned. She sounded the same -out of breath. I was asking about her medicine, her blood sugar and she was saying she was having difficulty with her shots. I mentioned assisted living and she went bezerk, she has to get a divorce first, my dad is going to take all her money, I’m “more married to” my dad “than she is.” We’re plotting against her -the last straw? She screamed my dad pulled the plug on my sister. My sister died of cancer, I was 13 years old, holding her hand when she took her last breath but according to my mother my dad pulled the plug. I lost my mind, screamed some obscenities (which I’m sure she didn’t hear because she was still screaming) and hung up the phone.

Once I recovered (crying hysterically in my husband’s arms) I called my dad and told him not to go home tonight. He was planning on it. I didn’t tell him what she said but I knew if she said it me she would say it to him. I told him "it was really bad’. He’s going to talk to his nurse and he’s going to call my mom’s doctor. I reached out to my cousin in another state through email. I’m hoping she believes me. I broke the rule of family silence (my parents are immensely private). I can’t handle her anymore. I don’t know what God wants from me.
 
I am so, so very sorry that you’ve had to live with this. I can understand this on so many levels. My mother is scitzophrenic, and living with a parent who has a mental illness certainly takes its toll. She did the smiling thing as well and no one knew she was sick and tormenting me and my brother until we were adults and she let herself slip. She was the perfect actress, as I’m sure you can understand.

I know you feel frustrated and possibly ashamed that you lashed out during your mom’s attack. PLEASE do not feel guilty or sad about this. You have forgiven her for many years. Forgive yourself this time and think no more about it.

I hope that your dad will be ok. I will pray for you. Feel free to message me if you need to vent! Sometimes it really helps to vent away to a random person. hug
 
rayne89 said:
. I broke the rule of family silence (my parents are immensely private).
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Silence often hides abuse. Good for you for getting it out in the open.
You are not helping either yourself or your mother by trying to carry all this yourself. Give it up to professionals. That’s what they get paid for.

It’s not fair to your husband either. Let her doctor and her husband – with the help of a case manager – take over now.
 
rayne89 said:
Well the straw just broke the camels back. I called my mom yesterday to check on her. She sounded really out of breath, it was a short conversation. I called her tonight because my dad had tried calling her and couldn’t reach her -he was concerned. She sounded the same -out of breath. I was asking about her medicine, her blood sugar and she was saying she was having difficulty with her shots. I mentioned assisted living and she went bezerk, she has to get a divorce first, my dad is going to take all her money, I’m “more married to” my dad “than she is.” We’re plotting against her -the last straw? She screamed my dad pulled the plug on my sister. My sister died of cancer, I was 13 years old, holding her hand when she took her last breath but according to my mother my dad pulled the plug. I lost my mind, screamed some obscenities (which I’m sure she didn’t hear because she was still screaming) and hung up the phone.

Once I recovered (crying hysterically in my husband’s arms) I called my dad and told him not to go home tonight. He was planning on it. I didn’t tell him what she said but I knew if she said it me she would say it to him. I told him "it was really bad’. He’s going to talk to his nurse and he’s going to call my mom’s doctor. I reached out to my cousin in another state through email. I’m hoping she believes me. I broke the rule of family silence (my parents are immensely private). I can’t handle her anymore. I don’t know what God wants from me.
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I am so sorry it came to this point, but I’m glad that it is the breaking point for you and that you won’t have to put up with this any longer.

Lay down this burden; it’s too heavy.

For tonight, give it to Jesus to hold. He can handle it, I promise. 😉 Go wrap your arms around your husband and thank him for being there for you. Do whatever it takes, within reason, to get yourself a good night’s sleep. A warm bath is probably a great idea. A glass of wine, sipped slowly while you’re taking that bath, might be even better. Alternately, perhaps you might try a mild sleep aid. (Don’t mix that with alcohol, though.) If physical touch is one of your primary love languages, tell your husband to hold you while you go to sleep. In short, after something this disturbing and upsetting, you need rest. Your mind, heart, and spirit need to heal, and sleep will help with that more than anything else.

Tomorrow, call a social worker and make an appointment with him or her. But until then, leave this burden behind you. It isn’t that you haven’t tried hard enough or haven’t been a good enough daughter; do not let anyone, including yourself, tell you that. Right now, the best daughter you can be is the one who gets her mother the professional help she obviously needs. Putting her into a position to abuse you further does neither of you any favors.
 
UbiCaritas said:
I am so sorry it came to this point, but I’m glad that it is the breaking point for you and that you won’t have to put up with this any longer.

Lay down this burden; it’s too heavy.

For tonight, give it to Jesus to hold. He can handle it, I promise. 😉 Go wrap your arms around your husband and thank him for being there for you. Do whatever it takes, within reason, to get yourself a good night’s sleep. A warm bath is probably a great idea. A glass of wine, sipped slowly while you’re taking that bath, might be even better. Alternately, perhaps you might try a mild sleep aid. (Don’t mix that with alcohol, though.) If physical touch is one of your primary love languages, tell your husband to hold you while you go to sleep. In short, after something this disturbing and upsetting, you need rest. Your mind, heart, and spirit need to heal, and sleep will help with that more than anything else.

Tomorrow, call a social worker and make an appointment with him or her. But until then, leave this burden behind you. **It isn’t that you haven’t tried hard enough or haven’t been a good enough daughter; do not let anyone, including yourself, tell you that. **Right now, the best daughter you can be is the one who gets her mother the professional help she obviously needs. Putting her into a position to abuse you further does neither of you any favors.
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These are very wise words.
 
Hi Rayne. Wow! I’m so sorry that you grew up with this. It all sounds so very, very abusive and unhealthy. I agree, you need counseling! You were 13 years old and your mother was damaging you emotionally! And your father kept playing into it? And now the drama continues?

You need help. You need guidance for how to set boundaries with crazy. You also need to find a way to get Mom and Dad to appointments without your help. You should have backed off years ago, but, there is no time like the present. What you describe is really beyond the pale. 😦
 
UbiCaritas said:
Tomorrow, call a social worker and make an appointment with him or her. But until then, leave this burden behind you. It isn’t that you haven’t tried hard enough or haven’t been a good enough daughter; do not let anyone, including yourself, tell you that. Right now, the best daughter you can be is the one who gets her mother the professional help she obviously needs. ** Putting her into a position to abuse you further does neither of you any favors**.
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Amen!
 
Country_Gal said:
Hi Rayne. Wow! I’m so sorry that you grew up with this. It all sounds so very, very abusive and unhealthy. I agree, you need counseling! You were 13 years old and your mother was damaging you emotionally! And your father kept playing into it? And now the drama continues?

You need help. You need guidance for how to set boundaries with crazy. You also need to find a way to get Mom and Dad to appointments without your help. You should have backed off years ago, but, there is no time like the present. What you describe is really beyond the pale. 😦
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I don’t know that my dad kept playing into it more like he had no idea what to do and he was grieving the loss of his daughter as well. It was like a tsunami -I think he did the best he could. She saved the worst of of nastiness that was directed at me when he was at work. He knew we were fighting but he never heard the horrid words she said to me, I heard what she said to him though. When he was home she mostly yelled about me being “lazy” and a “slob” or being generally bad when he was within ear shot. Even when he was home she would wait for him to be outside or in the garage when he was using his lathe. He had a side business he used to work on. I am defensive of my dad, I know that. I know he could have chose otherwise but he stayed because he thought it was the right thing to do. My sister and I were both adopted, my dad was the cause of the infertility. I think he thought because she stayed with him even though he couldn’t have kids he needed to be loyal to his marriage vows too. I am so sad for him.😦
 
Talked to my dad. His visiting nurse came. My mom has been in bed all day. He spoke with the nurse, his doctor is going to send his nurse three times a week for now to keep an eye on things and check on him. The head nurse is also looking for options as far as my mom. He didn’t get a chance to call my mom’s doctor, he came back later than planned from the other house but he says he’s going to call tomorrow.

Last night I took a Unisom to help me get some sleep. Tomorrow I’m having lunch with my long times best friend, we’ve been friends from the age of 12 -so she knows all the history. Thank you all for the prayers and sharing your stories, even though I wish other’s didn’t have to experience this -it is comforting to know others understand.
 
she got what she wanted-- a reaction.

she wanted to upset you, and pushed your buttons until you got mad, and then she felt good about it.

if she doesn’t get a reaction from you, I mean, if you chose not to react, she will become more and more furious until you react, or she will start getting more abusive in general, calling names/etc/turning things around/making up stories/etc.
 
Is your mother bad enough to be committed? Even for a while? If she is with mental health professionals 24/7 she won’t be able to keep up the facade of niceness, and they will be able to assess and treat her.

If she and dad moved into one shared sheltered accommodation, then dad moved out leaving her there, it would get her into care of a sort. Dad could keep his other house, on the quiet, and just move there permanently after she was established in care.

Your description of her smug smile, like the cat that got the canary, is a real warning - she manipulates to keep everyone off balance. And I don’t care how needy people get in their old age, if they have alienated their family, they have to take the consequences - she is obviously aware of what she is doing, even if she has a mental illness.

Find her some professional help, from people who are TRAINED for it, and have studied for years to cope with it, and only have to do it for 8 hours at a time, AND do not have an emotional involvement with her. Get her away from your father, into care, and then get to know your father. He is the one who needs your help now.

I do understand about the two faced performance these people can do. At my father’s funeral, the people from his office said what a nice man he was, how much he loved me, and how he was always talking about how proud he was of my achievements!!! I actually checked that they were at the right funeral. My father HATED me, threatened to kill me, told me I was nothing, ignorant, a no-hoper, and so on and on and on. He hit me without provocation e.g. my girlfriend got engaged and he hit me!! He sharpened knives outside my bedroom door at 2am! An hour before he died he held my hand because he thought I was the nurse. When told it was me, he shouted ‘AAAAH GET AWAY.’ and thrust me away from his bed. Those were his last words to me.

This is over 30 years ago, and it still hurts. My mother did nothing much to protect me. She stayed with him to the end. She took her vows seriously too. She was a mouse of a woman, and he treated her very badly too. By the time he died she was a wreck, and never really recovered from the emotional damage.

So, separate yourself from this nasty person, and help your dad to separate himself as well.
 
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