Hi, OP! I thank God that you are here in your journey - for exactly where you are right now!
I wholeheartedly believe you when you say that you are just learning this for the first time. I remember the horrible feeling I had when I learned it. Sure, I knew that the Church teaches “no contraception” but without knowing anything about sin (mortal or venial), among basically all of the Church’s teaching, I had nothing with which to form my own conscience based on God’s love and truth. But now you are in a great place!
You have received all the “technical” information that you need to make decisions in this situation. As a woman whose upbringing was, “I love that person - therefore s/he must be in heaven after death,” I can tell how stressful this is to learn that this isn’t what God wants for or asks of us. But now I am going to chime in and ask you to do something . . . BREATHE!!!
OP, it is very hard to wrap your head around all of this in one sitting. Please slow yourself down. Others are correct, you cannot receive the sacraments at this time (and going up for a blessing, while often encouraged, is neither a part of the Mass or required or necessary). But there are so many things you can do right now to grow your relationship with God.
- Pray! The Rosary was suggested and is always helpful. Our Mother wants to help you through this. She loves you infinitely more than even you love your own children!
- Attend Mass weekly (and Holy Days of Obligation). Look up information about spiritual communion and pray that Jesus comes into your heart until you are able to receive Him sacramentally.
- Read the Bible. Ask the Holy Spirit to change your heart. There are several passages in the Old Testament where God tells the Israelites that He wants to change their stony hearts into natural hearts. Find some of those and make them your prayer.
- Read and study the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Focus especially on the sacraments ; Confession, Eucharist , and MARRIAGE. You will be amazed at how much you didn’t know about each of these. And how beautiful they are.
- Learn about and learn NFP. Based on all that you are doing right now, it is highly unlikely that you will get pregnant, as you already know. As someone who expects to be able to control her fertility, and has probably heard all about how inaccurate NFP is (I am basing that on your refusal to even consider it.) I believe that you have never really learned about it. Learning to monitor your fertile signs will help you to feel confident that it really can work. It will not hurt your current situation to learn about these things. (You can continue even as you are wearing the IUD, although there will be changes in your cycle as you wean off the hormones whenever you have it removed.)
A few more thoughts about these suggestions: people on here are correct in that NFP is not an alternate for contraception, but for abstention. In a marriage you both are to be part of the decision making process in abstaining or not. It can be hard. However, if you understand what marriage is and what the marital embrace is supposed to be, it can help.
You are at the starting line of learning about God’s love for you. (Hint: Jesus would have suffered and died on the cross even if you were the only person He would have saved!) Hopefully through these suggestions, you will learn to believe in that love. God doesn’t promise us a long and pain free life. He does promise us that we can chose Eternal Life!
I needed both of those things (understanding that God wants me to chose Him and how wonderfully He made me) to have complete confidence in His plan. I am in my mid 40s and getting to a point where menopause symptoms will start and where we may not be as open in our marriage to adding to our family. I can assure you - there is nothing I would trust more than what I use right now in NFP. I can read the signs and we can decide together if we really want another child. I know that God wants what is best for our whole family - and what is best is being in heaven with Him for all eternity. I trust Him completely that we can follow His plan for our marriage, not sin, and that He will only send us a child if that is the best way for ALL of us to get to heaven.
It is true that presumption (believing that God will forgive you without your repentance) is a sin. However, He knows where you are and loves you. Pray, pray, pray. Ask Him to teach you. And simply work on the things that I recommend. Ask Him to change your heart - it is stony now, but He is the Divine Healer. He will heal your heart, and you will love Him all the more for it!
