I've been invited to an invailid wedding

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Psalm45_9

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I started my new job over a year ago and right away I was befriended by a girl in my small department. She is getting married and is very excited by it, she invited me and I sent in my rsvp. She is not Catholic, but her fiance is and they’re getting married in a Protestant Church. No problem there, the Church recognizes these unions. The issue is that her fiance has been married before and has been divorced, without his previous marriage being declaired null. This then makes this not a valid union.

I am really good friends with her and everyone in my department, everyone is going. I don’t want to be considered the unsensitive stick in the mud, but I have religious convictions and I cannot make myself look like I am endorsing something I do not believe in. I talked to my Pastor today and he said I should not go to the ceremony, but I should go to reception and wish her well. The difficult thing is how should I go about it, the ceremony and reception are this Saturday. She is taking Thursday and Friday off this week. Should I approach her sometime this week and tell her, “I’m sorry, but because of convictions I cannot go to the ceremony, but I will be able to attend the reception.” Or should I just not say anything, not go to the ceremony; go to the reception and if she asks why I didn’t go to the ceremony, then I’ll tell her.

I am thinking it would be better to tell her before hand so that way a scene will not be made at the reception. I am praying that she’ll understand and see that I am trying to be respectful. I should have just not have rsvped.

St. Thomas More, pray for me!
 
Unless you are a witness to the marriage or in someway taking part in the cremony, I am not quite sure how you would be doing anything wrong in just going to the event. I could be wrong though.
 
I think your pastor gave you good advice. Odds are no one–particularly the bride and groom–will notice you attended just the reception without going to the service (which will probably be a very short event anyway). RSVPs are usually just to get a headcount for those eating and drinking at the reception. From an etiquette standpoint, it would be rude for anybody to ask where you were at the ceremony. That doesn’t mean somebody probably won’t, but you should just say you were unable to be there until the reception, and just leave it at that. I can’t imagine why anyone would make a scene.

I wouldn’t say anything to anyone ahead of time. Likely when your friend comes back to work after the honeymoon, the subject will come up, but people won’t be as high-strung as they are right now. You can then just tell your friend–if she asks–that your convictions did not allow you to attend the ceremony, and why.

And I admire you standing for your convictions, too!
 
Set your alarm clock for late so that you do not arrive until the reception and simply honestly say, “I overslept”. (Might be wise to show up with a nice gift…I suggest a good Catholic Bible.) This occasion is not your specific responsibilty and can discreetly leave you in a position to counsel them later on.
 
There’s a possibility no one will ask where you were and you probably won’t be the only no show. Just in case, you could make other plans for the the time of the wedding (helping out an elderly neighbor, babysit for a single parent or family with lots of kids, something that folks won’t hold against you) so you can be honest if anyone asks and then show up with a lovely gift, ideally one from their registry. Don’t assume they don’t already have a bible. Gifts that appear to be evangelizing often have the opposite effect one would hope.
 
Absolutely do not tell her that you won’t go to the ceremony. Actually, I think you should go to the ceremony as well.

Even so, your pastor’s advice is good. Unless the ceremony is incredibly small, she won’t notice you’re not there.

Go, enjoy! Pray for them. You’ll be setting the Catholic example for her by being in her life. The Lord will provide the opportunity when He sees fit to get her marriage validated.

John
 
I can’t cite a source right now but I think she would be sinning by going. Also, she is giving tacit approval of invalid marriages. She’s lucky this isn’t a close friend or family member; she then would have to explain why she wouldn’t be there.
 
I frequently attend only the reception for weddings, unless it is a family member or close friend. Since this is just a person you work with, there would be no problem with just attending the reception and not the ceremony. In fact, if it is a morning ceremony, you could always attend Mass at your church instead and pray for this couple.
 
The ceremony is at 2:00pm on Saturday, so the I over slept excuse won’t work. I asked my parents before about what I should get for the wedding, they said I should just give a card with the amount of money it would cost for me to be at the reception. But now that I won’t be attending the ceremony I do think I should get something else. If there’s a Catholic Bible at the bookstore I’ll get one. If not, I’ll find something else, maybe a cook book.

She doesn’t know too much about Christianity, but when she found out I was an RCIA instructor, she has been asking me questions a lot about Christianity. Slowly I’ve been evangelizing her over the year, when she saw The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe; I explained the movie to her. She thinks I have good qualities. I knew half way through the year this would not be a valid wedding. I don’t want to formally say that I did not go to the ceremony, because they are not married in the eyes of God, even more so because the Protesant minister who is celebrating the ceremony is saying that they are.

Her fiance got married the first time, because he unexpectatly had a child, his ex was unfaithful, so they diovorced. He has been living with girl I work with for three years. So obviously he really has no inclinations to the Faith which he baptized. I am sure the thought of annullment never crossed his mind, it’s additional time and money; and he might not even know what that is. Which is shocking since his parents, who live down stairs from him, are straight from Italy. My pastor said that most Italians today are secular, even my parent’s generation.

It is frustrating, she is the same age as me, she is excited about finally getting married and having the perfect ceremony, and here I am saying that she really isn’t married, their current state will not change, just legally they are considered man and wife.

Thanks for helping eveyone, I am just praying that if I get asked why if someone asks why I didn’t attend the ceremony and I say, “religious convictions.” That everyone will be ignorant enough to think that a Catholic cannot attend a Protestant service.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
I can’t cite a source right now but I think she would be sinning by going. Also, she is giving tacit approval of invalid marriages. She’s lucky this isn’t a close friend or family member; she then would have to explain why she wouldn’t be there.
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Just an FYI, I’m a guy, lol. 🙂
 
Well, the Holy Spirit is on my side. I had a manditory meeting today with my supervisor who will also be attending this weekend. I told him what was up and because of the circumstances I cannot attend the ceremony, but I will be at the reception. My only concern is if I get cornered into why I wasn’t at the reception, that if my co-workers have a negative opinion about me that it will not be brought into the work place.

He told me not to worry, alot of people don’t show up for the ceremony, but go to the reception. He also told me to come up with an excuse. The other option he gave me is to tell her beforehand, which I told him is not a wise idea.

St. John the Baptist, pray for me!
 
Skip the wedding, go to the reception, and tell her you got stuck in traffic.

Then go to confession for telling a lie.

I really think the lie is the lesser of two evils in this case and I’m guessing it would rate as a very venial sin.
 
Sandi said:
Skip the wedding, go to the reception, and tell her you got stuck in traffic.

Then go to confession for telling a lie.

I really think the lie is the lesser of two evils in this case and I’m guessing it would rate as a very venial sin.
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This seems unnecessary, and a little questionable. Here’s the thing: The OP is going to do the right thing for the right reason, and it’s really nobody’s business where he is until the reception. Odds are no one will say anything, and as I mentioned before, those who do are rude, and rudeness doesn’t merit a response. I’m quite sure the bride and groom will have other things on their minds then if/why the OP wasn’t at the ceremony.

As a suggestion, you might ask your boss or someone else to call you on your cell phone when the reception gets underway, that way you can slip in as unobtrusively as possible. That is, you don’t want to get to the reception site while the ceremony is still going on, or get there way after the ceremony has ended.
 
I have gone to many weddings where the number of people at the reception far out weighed the number of people at the ceremony. No one is going to say anything unless it is a very small ceremony.

And to tell you the truth, when I got married, I couldn’t tell you who was there outside of the wedding party and immediate family.

I think people are making a mountain out of a mole hill on attending the reception only in this case.
 
Unlike some of the very kind posters here who are encouraging you to go to the ceremony I take the other perspective. It has to do with the perspective of obligation. You actually have an obligation as a Catholic to not go to a marraige that you know for sure is not valid. So, I agree that the advice that your pastor gave is the most prudent.
 
Do not go against your conscience, no man should and whilst you cannot be judge of anyone else’s conscience no-one can be judge of your conscience either.

I know you must have wrestled with this in your heart not wanting to hurt your friend but on the other hand not wanting to act against your conscience. You must always observe your conscience and make your excuses not to attend and if you love your friend you will do this kindly without the lecture and without imposing your conscience on theirs. If your friend is a true friend they will remain your friend and respect your choices and if they don’t remain your friend then well you know that love is not a people pleaser, sometimes love is hard (and in this case this situation is harder on you than it is on your friend) and if a friend even doesn’t agree with you, if they think the worst of you, then that friend simply misunderstands you and the most misunderstood person that ever lived is Christ Jesus and you can bet your bottom dollar that if you closely follow Jesus the world will greatly misunderstand you and you will suffer greatly as a consequence of their misunderstanding and misinterpretation.

Be courageous and once you have made your decision by the dictates of your conscience be at peace (no matter what happens between you and your friend) because you are at peace with God.

As Mother Teresa said in her Prayer ‘It was never between you and them anyway it was always between you and God.’

Offer these internal sufferings to Jesus united to His Sufferings for someone you love.

In my prayers.
 
Sandi said:
Skip the wedding, go to the reception, and tell her you got stuck in traffic.

Then go to confession for telling a lie.

I really think the lie is the lesser of two evils in this case and I’m guessing it would rate as a very venial sin.
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I don’t understand where the evil would be in not going. I really don’t see the harm in simply checking the “I’m sorry, I cannot attend” box on the invitation and, if asked, explaining that one’s religious beliefs prohibit one from attending, but that one wishes them all the best. If the friend is offended, I would (privately) question whether friends who can’t respect one’s religious beliefs really friends.
 
Looking back I think I should have just checked the will not attend box. But I have gotten close to her so I am going to the reception. My pastor listened to me and lectured with me for half-an-hour on Sunday. I really didn’t want to go to the service, but I was afraid of harassment at work if I didn’t. But my pastor convinced me that his plan is the best one and that I shouldn’t keep my Catholic faith in physical buiIding before the tabernacle.

I have not confronted the girl about the issue. I talked with my supervisor today, who will also be, at least, at the reception. I told him the situation, my obligations as a Catholic, and my concern that if I am questioned, that harassment may follow at work. I wanted to let him know in advance and that this is not a personal grudge I hold, but a mater of circumstances that are beyond my control. I will go to the reception, wishing them well and pray in my heart that her Catholic civil husband will feel called to go through the process of reconciling each other with God.

I also cannot confront my co-worker, because she doesn’t know too much about the breach in Christianity, and the difference between the church she is having her ceremony in and my Church; the one that her fiance was baptized in. Even more so when her entire fiance’s family aren’t raising any objections. If I were to tell her, as well as most people in my department, they would be confused and pissed at the same time. My only concern is that my co-workers will not let it rest there and will basically mock my religious beliefs and critcize me about how could I follow such a faith. That is why I talked to the supervisor. Once the co-workers start talking to each other about the ceremony, it will be only a mater of time before they figure out that I wasn’t there.

If I were to go to the wedding then it would be my duty to yell, “I object!” Talk about scenes, no it is best that I don’t go to the ceremony.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
I can’t cite a source right now but I think she would be sinning by going. Also, she is giving tacit approval of invalid marriages. She’s lucky this isn’t a close friend or family member; she then would have to explain why she wouldn’t be there.
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You’re right. According to Fr. Levis (“Web of Faith – EWTN”), she can’t attend the reception either, because that would be supporting/encouraging her friend’s invalid union.
Since the marriage is invalid; she’d be celebrating the fact that her friend is living in sin. The friend’s husband, who is still married in the Eyes of God and the Church, is an adulterer. (according to Church Teaching)
Therefore, making her friend a fornicator.

I have two cousins who are divorced w/out anulments and I dread the day one of them decides to remarry outside the Church. Most of my family will probably turn against me, but I can’t/won’t support and celebrate them living in sin.
I’m the one who will have to answer to God on Judgment Day; and I’ll be facing Him alone.

God Bless.

In His Most Sacred Heart,

Denise
 
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