I've Fallen In Love With A Married Woman! Please Help!

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Whalstib

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Hi,

It’s with great sorrow and shame in my heart i come to you like this on my initial post.

As the title says I’ve fallen in love with a married woman. NOTHING has happened. I’m resolved not to allow it. It’s quite easy for us to avoid being alone and only meet in a group atmosphere as much privacy we ever have is emails where we had instituted a dialogue.

My stock email to her is stay with your husband! Give him a chance, give him a kiss and tell him you love him! They are struggling and got married under in opportune circumstances. It appears he lied about many things. She was alcoholic and drug addicted, now clean. He seems to have control of his habits. Neither Catholics, married in Las Vegas… 4 children…

I on the other hand am a devout Catholic…I thought. I attend Mass everyday, pray Roosary, Liturgy of the Hours. Not long ago I felt a pull to be a monk. I’m 47 she 33.

Speaking with the parish priest he says" just say no!" Not working…

Here’s the deal though. I feel as though I have prayed away any lust so far. Feeling were stronger a week or so back. But I still feel a love for her. I know IF I love her and I do I MUST respect her vows and my own (I’m Consecrated to Mary!) I’ve explained all this to her and we so far are respecting each other boundaries.

But why am I in love with a married woman!? Is it ok to love her if I respect her and NEVER touch her or lust after her? All that seems alright all seems in Gods hands except my love and While I don’t mind the broken heart the denial of it doesn’t make any difference. I only get a little peace when I accept it.

Am I sinning by loving her with no passion or lust or attempting to have her for more than a friend?

One good thing, I’m moving 1000 miles away in a couple weeks so it appears I must only with hold that much longer but what about next time? I feel on one had dirty but on the other blessed to have a love.

very conflicted and sad… please help with more than “just say no”…although i can’t imagine what it could be.

Blessings,

Warren
 
You can’t always help who you love but you need to cut off contact with her. Thank goodness you are moving far away. Change your email address and erase hers from your computer. Do not contact her. She has a husband and four children to think of, and an emotional affair is still an affair (and in some cases is more damaging than a physical affair). Whether or not she is having problems in her marriage is not your business, and it doesn’t excuse her turning to another man for companionship.
 
Whalstib said:
Am I sinning by loving her with no passion or lust or attempting to have her for more than a friend?
Click to expand...
She is another man’s wife. What do you think?

You know the answers to all of your questions or you wouldn’t be here asking.

End this. Now. Go to Confession and get yourself right with God.

~Liza
 
Pray for her husband, disconnect that email address and do not contact her again. Every time you are tempted, pray a rosary for her.

It is easy to slip into the grass is greener, that is a lie from the father of lies.
 
NO contact. No phone calls, no emails, no letters, no nothing. Shame on you both, you ought to feel guilty. Go to confession and stay away from Married women. If you are discerning a vocation then you ought to know you are going to be tempted, 😛
St. Michael the Arch Angel defend us in battle…👍
 
lizaanne said:
She is another man’s wife. What do you think?

You know the answers to all of your questions or you wouldn’t be here asking.

End this. Now. Go to Confession and get yourself right with God.

~Liza
Click to expand...
Am I sinning by living in the echos of… gosh… i don’t even think what we had was anything. It’s all been in my mind and heart. i went to confession and am now in the aftermath of that and still having a bit of a struggle. Do I need to confess daily? Like I said no lust, no plans no schemes.

I do pray for her and her family and her husband. IF I had a fantasy about all this it would be the entire family gets baptized Catholic! I know that’s not up to me but that’s where my mind takes me not down some seedy path of iniquity.

I felt great after confession and perhaps am not accepting Gods forgiveness and living in a state of guilt for what “almost” happened.

Honestly I never initiated this consciously which is what scares me. I was being friendly and answering some questions. She was sad and appreciatted someone being nice to her. All my emails have been to support her and keep her family together. Not once have I made an inappropriate suggestions or harbored any for long and none after confession.

I feel at a loss as the answer of turn it off is not working. I feel i have nowhere to turn and am on my own with this…

hence my guilty feelings.

Thank you all for being firm yet non judgmental. I know I can get through this with some support and time.

Blessings
W
 
I second (third) the suggestion to change your email address and to cut off further contact with her.

Try to think of her in the same way that you think of an old high school flame who is now married. You don’t deny or forget the feelings you may have had but you deal with them ONLY as a past event, not a current reality.

When you move, do not delay finding a good, holy priest to confess to regularly. And you may want to look for a counselor as well, preferrably as Catholic one. Try this link to see if there is a faithful Catholic threapist in your area. catholictherapist.com/
 
First of all, you’re not in love with her. You’re rather attracted to her.

Too many people confuse the two. Attraction is an emotion and neither moral nor immoral. It’s what you do with it that can be immoral. Love is a decision and an act of the will, not of the dopamine.

Look, I’m a married guy, and I can still feel attraction for other women from time to time, and I have many beautiful female friends. But I do not do things like call them every other night, write love letters to them, or do anything that would remotely resemble an “emotional affair” as that would cause scandal. Rather, I channel the feelings into prayer for them. Eventually, the attraction fades.

On the other hand, the old feelings of being “in love” with my wife have since faded into reality. But I can still say with my head high that I remain in love with her and her alone. That is because love is a decision, and remains loong after the feelings disappear.

Channel your attraction into prayer and penance for her and her marriage, and do not tell her about it. Since you are worried, you must not also be doing things like “sharing” your private lives and having long conversations or long e-mail exchanges so that it does not get fanned into something more alarming.
 
Stop feeding it. The more you feed it by thinking of “what if” scenarios, of her, whatever - you feed it and it grows. Stop feeding it and it will eventually die. And do not mourn the death of it - instead, rejoice that you are free of this self imposed addiction to a woman you can’t ever have. Free of sin, and free to find the woman God has in mind for you.

~Liza
 
You have to spend a lot of one on one time with someone in order to fall in love with them. You should never be spending a lot of one on one time with a married woman, even via email, and that you are going to need to cut it out. If she is having marital problems, she needs to talk to a counselor, not another man. You do her no favors by being her confident.
 
Thanks again,

it makes it easier to share my problems even online than sit here and try to figure them out.

I think some of this is a lesson. I’ve been pretty unforgiving with others I know in “affairs” (which this didn’t even get that close to…never kissed never held hands etc…no dates…) But now I see how weak we are as humans. How a simple trying to help a friend can by our own pride and selfishness snowball into territories not expected.

I hope some of you with a little less compassion can notice this is also a pride issue and as I said I live a devout Catholic life (Which probably the only thing that saved me!).

This can happen to anyone anytime. It defies logic and best intentions. it’s insidious and creeps to a point of no control before you realize it.

I have a broken heart and it’s because I have abused Gods gift of love not because I’m suffering from “puppy love”.

God Bless you all and pray for me!

Warren
 
Whalstib said:
Hi,
But why am I in love with a married woman!? Is it ok to love her if I respect her and NEVER touch her or lust after her? ren
Click to expand...
wrong question
why are you emailing a married woman and discussing her personal life on that deep level?
the infidelity has already begun, friend
end it now or choose the misery that will surely follow like night follows day

if you really love her you will get out of her life completely and turn all your time and attention to your own wife, family, spiritual health, and duties.
 
this lady needs help. if her love for her husband had died, if there is violence in her family, what is the best thing to do? She needs to go for counselling. may someone please help her. i been married for 12 years myself. there is so much violence due to my wife’s anger. i myself am struggling to find peace and realize now that i am far away from church and god. now working far away from her, i find so much peace and time for devotion and actually being very close to god. thats y i think that this ladt needs help.

jesus said, who among you has sinned, cast the first stone.

we are all sinners in one way another, thats y thats this test for our friend. let resolve the issue with her husband. do not be the person in the picture, as that means you are involved in her decisions, good or bad.

i feel for you as a christian brother and also for the lady
 
Take it from me, this is not love. Your attracted to her but not in love with her. True love comes from God; lust ids temptation which comes from Satan. Considering the circumstances, this is anything but true love.

Satan is trying to tempt you away from your true vocation. I’ve had a similar experience- I am discerning a call to the holy priesthood, but often since I began seriously discerning have I felt temptations (which have, in fact, gotten worse since I started discerning! A horrible feeling that almost made me question my vocation had it not been for a strong confessor and friends reminding me that another priest is the last thing the Evil One wants). I did eventually learn that these feelings were not love but lust.
 
Whalstib said:
Am I sinning by living in the echos of… gosh… i don’t even think what we had was anything. It’s all been in my mind and heart. i went to confession and am now in the aftermath of that and still having a bit of a struggle. Do I need to confess daily? Like I said no lust, no plans no schemes.

I do pray for her and her family and her husband. IF I had a fantasy about all this it would be the entire family gets baptized Catholic! I know that’s not up to me but that’s where my mind takes me not down some seedy path of iniquity.

I felt great after confession and perhaps am not accepting Gods forgiveness and living in a state of guilt for what “almost” happened.

Honestly I never initiated this consciously which is what scares me. I was being friendly and answering some questions. She was sad and appreciatted someone being nice to her. All my emails have been to support her and keep her family together. Not once have I made an inappropriate suggestions or harbored any for long and none after confession.

I feel at a loss as the answer of turn it off is not working. I feel i have nowhere to turn and am on my own with this…

hence my guilty feelings.

Thank you all for being firm yet non judgmental. I know I can get through this with some support and time.

Blessings
W
Click to expand...
You are experiencing compunction–the feeling of guilt even though you have been forgiven (in this case, through Confession). Compunction is a gift, maybe a grace, because it is a painful reminder not to pursue an action or thought. Embrace it and let it stengthen in you a resolve to pray for her and her family and to avoid any contact with her that will lead you to sin. Nobody said suffering would be easy–ask St. Faustina.
 
Whalstib said:
Hi,

It’s with great sorrow and shame in my heart i come to you like this on my initial post.

As the title says I’ve fallen in love with a married woman. NOTHING has happened. I’m resolved not to allow it. It’s quite easy for us to avoid being alone and only meet in a group atmosphere as much privacy we ever have is emails where we had instituted a dialogue.

My stock email to her is stay with your husband! Give him a chance, give him a kiss and tell him you love him! They are struggling and got married under in opportune circumstances. It appears he lied about many things. She was alcoholic and drug addicted, now clean. He seems to have control of his habits. Neither Catholics, married in Las Vegas… 4 children…

I on the other hand am a devout Catholic…I thought. I attend Mass everyday, pray Roosary, Liturgy of the Hours. Not long ago I felt a pull to be a monk. I’m 47 she 33.

Speaking with the parish priest he says" just say no!" Not working…

Here’s the deal though. I feel as though I have prayed away any lust so far. Feeling were stronger a week or so back. But I still feel a love for her. I know IF I love her and I do I MUST respect her vows and my own (I’m Consecrated to Mary!) I’ve explained all this to her and we so far are respecting each other boundaries.

But why am I in love with a married woman!? Is it ok to love her if I respect her and NEVER touch her or lust after her? All that seems alright all seems in Gods hands except my love and While I don’t mind the broken heart the denial of it doesn’t make any difference. I only get a little peace when I accept it.

Am I sinning by loving her with no passion or lust or attempting to have her for more than a friend?

One good thing, I’m moving 1000 miles away in a couple weeks so it appears I must only with hold that much longer but what about next time? I feel on one had dirty but on the other blessed to have a love.

very conflicted and sad… please help with more than “just say no”…although i can’t imagine what it could be.

Blessings,

Warren
Click to expand...
If I could offer some words of advice/encouragement…

It would be entirely different of course, if you met her, and she was already divorced/annuled (but you say she’s not Catholic?) …perhaps, that might be an entirely different ballgame. But, God would never put a married person in our paths, for us to fall in love with. God would not want us to go against his Word, and spending inappropriate time with a married person–regardless of that person’s marital problems–goes against God, as you know. If you just think of it this way, it will become easier for you ‘to just say no.’ Bottom line–God doesn’t direct us to go in direct opposition to His Divine Word. He wouldn’t ask us to dabble in adultery so we can find our soul mate.(you’re not doing that nor thinking of doing that it sounds like, I’m just stating that point:o ) And secularly speaking, this woman has a myriad of issues that she must deal with on her own–and although you have lent her a sympathetic ear, it’s best to end there. I would simply tell her it’s best if you both end communication…let her get her own life in order, whatever that may be. If she leaves her husband some day, and seeks you out–then it might be God’s will. But, if she leaves her husband FOR you, you will never feel ‘good’ about something like that.

Just remember…God only directs us to those things that will not put us in opposition to His Word. The devil however tempts us to sin…I will keep you in my prayers. You sound like a good man–hang in there, and ‘just say no.’🙂
 
Whalstib said:
Hi,

It’s with great sorrow and shame in my heart i come to you like this on my initial post.

As the title says I’ve fallen in love with a married woman. NOTHING has happened. I’m resolved not to allow it. It’s quite easy for us to avoid being alone and only meet in a group atmosphere as much privacy we ever have is emails where we had instituted a dialogue.

My stock email to her is stay with your husband! Give him a chance, give him a kiss and tell him you love him! They are struggling and got married under in opportune circumstances. It appears he lied about many things. She was alcoholic and drug addicted, now clean. He seems to have control of his habits. Neither Catholics, married in Las Vegas… 4 children…

I on the other hand am a devout Catholic…I thought. I attend Mass everyday, pray Roosary, Liturgy of the Hours. Not long ago I felt a pull to be a monk. I’m 47 she 33.

Speaking with the parish priest he says" just say no!" Not working…

Here’s the deal though. I feel as though I have prayed away any lust so far. Feeling were stronger a week or so back. But I still feel a love for her. I know IF I love her and I do I MUST respect her vows and my own (I’m Consecrated to Mary!) I’ve explained all this to her and we so far are respecting each other boundaries.

But why am I in love with a married woman!? Is it ok to love her if I respect her and NEVER touch her or lust after her? All that seems alright all seems in Gods hands except my love and While I don’t mind the broken heart the denial of it doesn’t make any difference. I only get a little peace when I accept it.

Am I sinning by loving her with no passion or lust or attempting to have her for more than a friend?

One good thing, I’m moving 1000 miles away in a couple weeks so it appears I must only with hold that much longer but what about next time? I feel on one had dirty but on the other blessed to have a love.

very conflicted and sad… please help with more than “just say no”…although i can’t imagine what it could be.

Blessings,

Warren
Click to expand...
You say:
My stock email to her is stay with your husband!
Click to expand...
My answer: You are still exchanging e-mails?!

There is absolutely no blessing within this situation and it saddens me to read your words:
I feel on one had dirty but on the other blessed to have a love.
Click to expand...
If you ever have a wife of your own, I pray that she never falls in love with another man and feels it is a blessing. You have taken something which is not yours (yes, I understand no physical relations took place), and now you are rationalizing to yourself. I am sorry, I don’t wish to be unkind; it is sometimes in being honest we find the charity of others.

You have broken at least 3 of the 10 commandments and continue to lie to yourself. Snap out of it. God does not bless people with the wife of another, instead you have been drawn further away from God: the first clue to something NOT being from God.
  • No more contact with her.
  • Keep nothing that reminds you of her (pictures, notes, momentos, etc.)
  • Do not go to confession until you are completely contrite and no longer find this a blessing
  • Do not receive the Holy Eucharist prior to a true and contrite confession
  • Never allow yourself to be put in this situation ever again.
    To drive it home with you, I will illustrate what you have done:
  • You have hurt a married man
  • You have hurt your future wife
  • You have lied to yourself
  • You have continued to engage in communication with this woman
  • You have failed to put God first in your life
    These emotions will fade all on their own if you have no future contact with this woman. If I were you, I would pray for the forgiveness of her husband. You have hurt him in a grave way and even if he does not know it, he has been hurt nonetheless.
:rolleyes:

Consecrated to Mary? What would she say to you?

I pray that you find peace.

Kelly
 
Warren,

I was in a similar situation several years ago with a woman I worked with. I thought I was keeping everything under control, but in fact, everyone was aware of how I felt, and I lost a good deal of respect because of it. Looking back, I feel like a fool whenever I think about it. Believe me, your perception of the situation is NOT a realistic one. Go to the nearest mirror, look yourself in the eye and say, “Enough!”
 
Thanks again,

here’s something that has slipped past. We’re involved in a “project” and see each other 3 times a week. The project involved some emailing. So the idea of just unplugging and running is not viable.

In fact the entire idea of running away doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t know why. I’d rather confront the issue and with circumstances as they are may be my only choice…

Should I actually explain it all to her? I could just more or less clam up and hold my breathe for 3 weeks…

I’m going to Mass and Confession right now!

God bless all and thank you for the prayers and help.

W
 
Whalstib said:
Should I actually explain it all to her?
Click to expand...
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! To do so could cause harm to her marriage.

If this is a work project ask to be reassigned. If this is a personal project, get out of it.

You are playing with fire, and I’m not sure what it’s going to take for you before you get really burned, and hurt others in the process.

LET THIS GO.

Trust me. I know first hand how this can go.

~Liza
 
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