I've Fallen In Love With A Married Woman! Please Help!

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Should I actually explain it all to her? I could just more or less clam up and hold my breathe for 3 weeks…

I’m going to Mass and Confession right now!

God bless all and thank you for the prayers and help.

W

**Do not explain anything to her!!! All that would do is burden her with your feelings. Not something she needs added to her already great struggles.

But you do need to stop all inappropriate/intimate contact. And yes, talking about one’s marriage and it’s problems IS intimate. If she brings it up you need to tell her that you were wrong to get involved, it’s not your place. Recommend she sees a counselor or signs up for a Retrouvaille weekend with her husband. Just refuse to speak of anything with her that you would not be comfortable speaking of in front of her husband.

If you are forced to work together, keep things civil, polite, but detached. Keep Mary in your heart and thoughts at all times.
**

 

[jrabs]

You say you love her. Love is not selfish. True love longs for the goodness and wellbeing of the other person’s soul. You are jeopardizing both souls. Please let her be.

If you are leaving in 3 weeks time, it should be no problem to bow out of the project now. Regardless if the project is work or non-work, why can’t you simply say it is preparation of your move.

Are you committed to not emailing after you move? Just because you move does not limit your ability to contact her. So I ask again, are you committed to not contacting her at all via email?

Please pray hard over this and do the right thing for this woman, her marriage, her children, HER SOUL!

 

[iamrefreshed]

I’m a married man. A married man who has felt the heartache of betrayal. If you had the least inkling of what that feels like you would leave this woman alone with the man she married.

People who chase after married people will always find a way to justify their actions. “He mistreats her”, “They had to get married” “He’s only there for the kids”.

Those are only excuses to continue in one’s selfish, lustful and sinful behavior.

You are on a path to ruin 7 lives. Walk away immediately.

Remember, if you get her, she will have already cheated on her first husband. Great catch huh?

 

[FCEGM]

Thanks again,

here’s something that has slipped past. We’re involved in a “project” and see each other 3 times a week. The project involved some emailing. So the idea of just unplugging and running is not viable.

In fact the entire idea of running away doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t know why. I’d rather confront the issue and with circumstances as they are may be my only choice…

Should I actually explain it all to her? I could just more or less clam up and hold my breathe for 3 weeks…

How could that be your only choice? Perhaps the idea of running away is distasteful because you really don’t want to set aside all connection to her - you want to leave open a possibility that her marriage will end and you will be there to rescue her from the aftermath. Don’t keep a toe in the water when you see there’s a crocodile approaching.

 

[Whalstib]

All good…in theory…

More of the story…we’re friends! As I stated NOTHING beyond heartfelt talks have gone on.

After going to Mass today (and the readings were quite appropriate for my situation!) it filtered down to the last conversation we had till I got to this state. Last things I said to her in “private” 10 feet away from a group of friends) was I would give her a Lady Of Perpetual Help medal and teach her the Hail Mary.

It seems my guilt may be a way of keeping this from happening. Who’s will would that be?

And yes the same thing happened to me which is why I’m sensitive to her husbands feelings. But are you to say the only salvation for a married woman must come via her husband or another woman? I doubt she’ll just wander into a Catholic Church (Sure she…could…) We met when she was railing about the “child molestor priests” and I stepped in to defend the Church. Now she is curious about the very thing she “hated” only a few weeks ago…

Have I been attacked by the Evil One by trying to enlighten a soul and now one who was about to receive a small drop of teaching will not get it because I found a very small degree of lust and misplaced love? Who “wins” if I just disappear after promising a little story of Mary?

As I type my yearning is to at least give her the medal and Prayers. I have no lust for her at all.
I understand now it’s an attraction not love as said love is of God and he’d not want me to have that relationship.

Can this make it a little clearer why I’m struggling?
Confession app. this afternoon .

Please keep responding…

God bless us all!

Warren

 

[kage_ar]

Married people can have friends of the opposite sex, as long as the spouse is included in that friendship AND the spouse is happy about it.

Get her in touch with a good Apologetic group - someone at your Parish, the DRE or the Priest should be more than able to assist her.

 

[iamrefreshed]

All good…in theory…

More of the story…we’re friends! As I stated NOTHING beyond heartfelt talks have gone on.

“Heartfelt talks” happen between a husband and wife, not ‘friends’ of the opposite sex (one of whom is married).

After going to Mass today (and the readings were quite appropriate for my situation!) it filtered down to the last conversation we had till I got to this state. Last things I said to her in “private” 10 feet away from a group of friends) was I would give her a Lady Of Perpetual Help medal and teach her the Hail Mary.

You’re spot on there! Today’s readings were about adultery!

It seems my guilt may be a way of keeping this from happening. Who’s will would that be?

Read my comment in previous post about justifying our sinful actions. That is exactly what you are doing!

And yes the same thing happened to me which is why I’m sensitive to her husbands feelings.

Sensitive??? Betrayal is a gut wrenching feeling. If you felt it you would never inflict it on another human being.

But are you to say the only salvation for a married woman must come via her husband or another woman?

Again, read my comment on justifying sinful ways. Let God determine the outcome of this womans marriage, not the Devil.

I doubt she’ll just wander into a Catholic Church (Sure she…could…) We met when she was railing about the “child molestor priests” and I stepped in to defend the Church. Now she is curious about the very thing she “hated” only a few weeks ago…

More justification…

Have I been attacked by the Evil One by trying to enlighten a soul and now one who was about to receive a small drop of teaching will not get it because I found a very small degree of lust and misplaced love? Who “wins” if I just disappear after promising a little story of Mary?

Their marriage wins. Do away with your fantasy of the knight in shining armor saving this woman from hell and let God do His work.

As I type my yearning is to at least give her the medal and Prayers.

Four words…United States Postal Service

I have no lust for her at all.

In this very post you claim lust for her.

I understand now it’s an attraction not love as said love is of God and he’d not want me to have that relationship.

Can this make it a little clearer why I’m struggling?

No…It only makes clearer that you are on the road to ruin the lives of 4 children, one husband, one wife and one Warren.

Please stop.

 

[whatevergirl]

All good…in theory…

More of the story…we’re friends! As I stated NOTHING beyond heartfelt talks have gone on.

After going to Mass today (and the readings were quite appropriate for my situation!) it filtered down to the last conversation we had till I got to this state. Last things I said to her in “private” 10 feet away from a group of friends) was I would give her a Lady Of Perpetual Help medal and teach her the Hail Mary.

It seems my guilt may be a way of keeping this from happening. Who’s will would that be?

And yes the same thing happened to me which is why I’m sensitive to her husbands feelings. But are you to say the only salvation for a married woman must come via her husband or another woman? I doubt she’ll just wander into a Catholic Church (Sure she…could…) We met when she was railing about the “child molestor priests” and I stepped in to defend the Church. Now she is curious about the very thing she “hated” only a few weeks ago…

Have I been attacked by the Evil One by trying to enlighten a soul and now one who was about to receive a small drop of teaching will not get it because I found a very small degree of lust and misplaced love? Who “wins” if I just disappear after promising a little story of Mary?

As I type my yearning is to at least give her the medal and Prayers. I have no lust for her at all.
I understand now it’s an attraction not love as said love is of God and he’d not want me to have that relationship.

Can this make it a little clearer why I’m struggling?
Confession app. this afternoon .

Please keep responding…

God bless us all!

Warren

Hi again Warren;

I understand what you’re saying…but maybe put it in your mind like this–if you were her husband…would you want a man teaching your wife the faith–who was interested in her, potentially? She needs to seek this through her marriage, not through a man who may be interested in her for romantic (not lustful) reasons. The devil wants us to be confused…like my sig line states…by Fr Corapi–his favorite color is grey. He likes to confuse, and therefore, convince people that what they are doing is right–but all along it’s wrong. Nothing wrong with talking to another person–married or otherwise–of the faith. THAT is not wrong. But, the title of your thread is such that it would not be appropriate to have personal conversations with her any longer, because this is more than you chatting about the faith–it’s about you falling in love with a married woman–or so your title illustrates. God might have put her in your path to become enlightened, but nothing more. If she is interested in learning more, there are a myriad of objective avenues within the Church to help her.

Affairs start with thoughts…then the thoughts move into innocent actions…then those actions progress. I just think that if we hover our hand over a flame, it will burn us, eventually. Not saying that you will ever have an affair–but people think lust always drives affairs, and that’s not so. Many affairs happen through the very situation that is set here. A single person–a lonely spouse…the two collide…and there you go. If she is not happy in her marriage (I’m not sure if you indicate that here or not?) it is up to her and her husband to fix things–not for any outsiders to come to the preverbial rescue. I think that you have been very brave to be candid with everyone here, and yourself, in what you’re feeling…and hopefully, your confession will help you to let go of some of those feelings…Good luck to you!

 

[jrabs]

And yes the same thing happened to me which is why I’m sensitive to her husbands feelings. But are you to say the only salvation for a married woman must come via her husband or another woman?

As Kage_ar stated, a friend is someone her husband would approve of her having.

Please drop her as a friend. She needs friends that can help her - spiritually as well. You are not that friend.

You are not responsible for her salvation - please do not be confused into thinking you are helping her achieve heaven.

It is so easy to rationalize all the reasons why you are friends, why you need to stay in touch, to teach her the Hail Mary, to work on a project - those are flimsy reasons.

If it were a soured relationship with an ex-girlfriend, you’d find a dozen quick escape methods - never call and never email again. Consider her the same. Be strong - you can do it.

 

[whatevergirl]

“Heartfelt talks” happen between a husband and wife, not ‘friends’ of the opposite sex (one of whom is married).

You’re spot on there! Today’s readings were about adultery!

Read my comment in previous post about justifying our sinful actions. That is exactly what you are doing!

Sensitive??? Betrayal is a gut wrenching feeling. If you felt it you would never inflict it on another human being.

Again, read my comment on justifying sinful ways. Let God determine the outcome of this womans marriage, not the Devil.

More justification…

Their marriage wins. Do away with your fantasy of the knight in shining armor saving this woman from hell and let God do His work.

Four words…United States Postal Service

In this very post you claim lust for her.

No…It only makes clearer that you are on the road to ruin the lives of 4 children, one husband, one wife and one Warren.

Please stop.

Two things I want to say here–first, I had no idea you were a man, iamrefreshed:blush: not sure why! ha I have read a few of your posts, and you don’t write any one way…oh well–who cares, right? hahaha

and two–excellent posts…and insight! So true.

Warren–you have gotten some great advice here. Please do the holy and right thing. :yup:

 

[iamrefreshed]

Warren,

You came here for opinions from faithful catholics…Which faithful catholic has not told you to stop immediately?

Not one agrees with you.

 

[rick43235]

But are you to say the only salvation for a married woman must come via her husband or another woman?

Warren, Warren, Warren…

So now you’re going to be her salvation? Come on man!!!

As I said before, mine is the voice of experience. Man up and do the right thing before you cause a train wreck.

 

[dulcissima]

Warren,

You came here for opinions from faithful catholics…Which faithful catholic has not told you to stop immediately?

Not one agrees with you.

And look at what he chose to title the thread…and has been back-pedaling ever since simply because the good advice that he has gotten requires him to make changes and sacrifices. Sometimes just because something feels good, doesn’t mean that it is good.

 

[Whalstib]

Despite any claims to the contrary I KNOW lust and my heart is free from it. I’ve not been sitting here plotting. I’ve been praying. I cried in front of the Blessed Sacrament for even having entertained such ideas for a moment. I prayed for her and her husband and for their marriage. I spent 3 hours in church!

I’m not trying to justify anything…Do you think everyone ends up Catholic? Does everyone go to Heaven?
The arguments against Cathoicism are headlines daily! The popular media is flooded with them. My friend never heard of Chastity, as we were speaking of it a young man approached and said he’s doing the same thing! Coincidence?

I came to the back to the Church via the same impossible circumstances. At anyone point I’d still be lost if others played by the rules…

The idea that we aren’t responsible for others goes against the very teachings of the Church. Yes lust is a sin! One of the most basic and face it Satan’s favorite! Satan hates Mary and would use any crack in anyones armor to keep another soul from approaching Her.

I was brought to Mary via more improbable circumstances!

The fact I recognize this is telling me to pray harder get help but not to run away which is nigh impossible due to our project situation which has 3 weeks left. I can’t change that…

I will concede to Fr. Abbots wishes on this but tell him I feel compelled to at least give her the medal and prayers…

Isn’t this interesting? I know I started out with an entirely different tone. It may seem as though I’m trying to justify my actions but I sincerely believe I have been clouded by something else to prevent the simple gift of a prayer and a medal. Yes it’s kinda like an alcoholic walking into a bar to deliver the mail. Gods grace makes that possible though.

Still open for discussion.

God Bless!

Warren

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**If a spouse found out that their husband or wife was having intimate conversations about their troubled marriage with friend of the opposite sex, do you think they would be happy or upset? Do you think it would hurt or help the marriage?

Any spouse I know of would be very hurt and upset. It would definitely not be a good for the already troubled marriage.

Since you are her friend, how could you want to bring more trouble on her? If you are thinking of doing anything other than cutting all friendly contact (and you really should heed the advice of cutting all contact entirely) then you ARE NOT HER FRIEND.

You are mixed up in an emotional affair, not a friendship. You are the “other man”. Does it feel good? No, not when it’s put that way. But you are not hearing the very clear and obvious truth. Pray for God to open your ears and your heart because what you are involved in is damaging to all involved…especially the children who have absolutely NO SAY. Would you want to explain to them how you are mommy’s special friend who she can talk to about things that she can’t talk to their own daddy about?

You need a wake up call, big time. I pray that God doesn’t have to step in and remove this temptation for either of you…because it won’t be pretty. I won’t go into details but I know of one such situation (an emotional affair where nothing “happened”) that was on it’s way to destroying a marriage. The “other man” was killed in a car crash. Don’t make God get your attention. Do what is right and do it now.**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Despite any claims to the contrary I KNOW lust and my heart is free from it.

Still open for discussion.

God Bless!

Warren

**
OK, why not take a different perspective here. So far everything has been about YOU. How you feel. What you can do to help. Etc etc etc.

What if she has lust in *her ***heart? What if she thinks you are her salvation from her unhappy marriage? What if, by sticking around, you are causing her to focus on what she could have with you instead of fixing what she does have with her husband?

 

[FCEGM]

All good…in theory…

More of the story…we’re friends! As I stated NOTHING beyond heartfelt talks have gone on. . . .[etc.]

Warren, your OP certainly seemed to indicate that your feelings for her were being reciprocated, but all we now hear is your struggle with your feelings. Surely you must be likewise concerned for her own struggle and thus should see that not only must you refrain from contact with her for your own sake, but also for hers - no matter how elevated your motive now may be.

 

[Whalstib]

Ya know…

I really appreciate all the advice but IF running away was in any way possible I’d not be asking for advice. IF breaking off all contact was in the cards it’d be done.

The dilema lies in forced contact! Please get that straight before you suggest we “break it off”.
This is someone I will be face to face with off and on and exchanging emails with for the next 3 weeks. After that your suggestions will be considered.

So far we have had no inappropriate contact. No flirting, kissing etc…the lust was all in my mind for a brief period which lead ME down a bad road of thought. She has done or said nothing to provoke these thoughts. It’ my issue which a lot of prayer is straightening out. On reflection the thought were about 30 minutes and the nest 36 hours my guilty conscious followed by endless prayer!

I am painfully aware one cannot save another’s soul. I’m also aware that we DO play a role in each others salvation. ( please note; I NEVER said I could save her soul…please stop picking out portions of what i say to try to prove a point)Would any of you seriously totally clam up when asked about your Faith and Christ by a married person of the opposite sex? We don’t always feel comfortable speaking of God with every one especially those with no Faith. Yes the feeling of attraction and just a few minutes of lust have raised red flags hence my search for help.

Yes left to my own lustful devices (we all have lust! Even YOU) many lives could be ruined. That could happen tomorrow with another woman. Heck it could happen to YOU today! I kid you not that I pray devoutly and am chaste in all ways. I judge everything on if it makes me worthy to receive the Body of Christ EVERYDAY. I shared this with a friend after Mass and while suprized they said “Christ gave you quite a Cross for Lent!”

I will be sure to let you know what FR. says! Would it be appropriate to share my penance with you as well to help us all get an idea of this?

Thank you all so much for being here, you’ve helped me immensley and continue to do so.

God Bless,

Warren

 

[hasikelee]

Ya know…

I really appreciate all the advice but IF running away was in any way possible I’d not be asking for advice. IF breaking off all contact was in the cards it’d be done.

The dilema lies in forced contact! Please get that straight before you suggest we “break it off”.
This is someone I will be face to face with off and on and exchanging emails with for the next 3 weeks. After that your suggestions will be considered.

I was on the receiving end of a single man attracted to me at work. We spent on average 20 hours a week on projects together. I felt no attraction towards him, although it was a friendly relationship.

I am still employed at the same company and I see him Monday thru Friday.

What it takes is you firmly telling her that you can not be her friend. Period. Friend, comrade, confidante, whatever you call it, you cannot be it.

If this is a work-related project and you two are employed by the same company, you better have a copy of your SOP (standard operating procedure) and any other company comment on this situation. My company would have fired me and him if they had found out he was attracted to me. Fortunately, I had the foresight to see this, and I was able to sit down with him and my HR to make a polite cease and desist.

And this was over nothing but a nice, single man’s attraction to me.

You are putting her job and your job at risk. If she is pulling a lot of income for the family, as many families today depend on two incomes, you are basically putting her little kids at risk.

Your posts on this thread remind me very much of that coworker. You are secretly only concerned about yourself and how you feel. For some reason, on top of all this woman is giving to her family and job, you feel the need to get something from her. It’s not sex, but there are plenty of other things besides sex.

Probably, you can’t even see what you are really doing and you sincerely believe this is some true form of friendship. I bet if she had a legal meeting in your HR’s office about never contacting her again, you would lose those feelings very quickly.

If you can’t possibly accept that your feelings and motivations are pure BS, at least pretend you DO love her and butt out before you ruin her marriage, her kids’ lives and her career.

 

[Whalstib]

**
OK, why not take a different perspective here. So far everything has been about YOU. How you feel. What you can do to help. Etc etc etc.

What if she has lust in *her ***heart? What if she thinks you are her salvation from her unhappy marriage? What if, by sticking around, you are causing her to focus on what she could have with you instead of fixing what she does have with her husband?

The help I offer is Christ via the BVM…

IF she has those weaknesses do think by removing me she will not have them any longer? I’m not the problem if she feels that way. More men in the world who can offer MUCH more than I! Believe Me!

The common thread seems to be “who cares”. Do you who say drop it right away 100% believe she will hear again of Gods Grace via the BVM?

Would anyone like to take the opposite responsibilty of not delivering a simple message?

Since breaking off contact won’t happen and emails will be exchanged can anyone point me to some good introductory apologetics websites I could include?

I’m afraid it’s shaping up like this will have to be a pro active solution not a retreat.

I’ll say it again, breaking off conatc is NOT possible. Don’t waste your fonts!

God Bless,

Warren